Tired of school, kids? Tired of attending the same old traditional Ivy-League institutions? Well fear not, my stoopid little comrades! HOPE IS ON THE WAY! Thanks to generous contributions made by the American tax-payer, I – Meowsevich S. Punchenko – am happy to announce the grand opening of Punchenko University (PU)!
PU is not your average institution for higher learning, no, PU is a state-of-the-art educational facility designed to tailor to your indoctrination needs! We pride ourselves on ensuring you (or your child) will be a Communist New Man upon graduation or we will give you your money back!
(Money back guarantee subject to change. Void where prohibited. Money back guarantee not recognized in all 50 US states or any other developed capitalist nation-state. Money back guarantee is not in fact a money back guarantee, but instead a guarantee that monies either A. Given or B. Acquired will remain within the institution and will thus be appropriated. Punchenko University is not responsible for any monies stolen, missing or stored in an off-shore account. Please refer to Student Manual for further details.)
PU is situated in the beautiful Ural Mountains in glorious Mother Russia overlooking the former No. 32 Labor Camp and The Great Purge Mass Grave Site. We feel those students enrolled at PU, as well as their parents, should be treated to this awesome beauty for as long as humanly possible. That is why PU is unique, we aren’t the traditional four-year institution, but instead we are a twenty-year (to life) institution so that you, or your child (or both), can continue your education – indefinitely!
Need text-books? Not a problem, comrade! We’ve got you covered! PU’s bookstore is 100% tax-payer funded to ensure our students won’t have to spend a dime on our wide selection of manifestos and other agitprop materials. And besides, how could they afford such things? Big Book Corporations the world over are bent on turning blood profits off your educational needs. That is why PU prides her/his/itself on providing things that you simply cannot provide for yourself! Hey, look! Is that former President Clinton’s autobiography amongst that stack of fine communist selections? Why yes! I think it is! Better grab that one up quick, students. Every good communist loves the Clintons!
Students always look forward to Denounce All Class Enemies Day at PU. As shown above, a cadre of revolutionary student mass fill out their denounce slips to condemn their parents, friends, educators and other assorted reactionary dogs for crimes committed against the state. Please note that all students are given a Hillary Clinton Living History workbook to study the accomplishments of this remarkable, courageous, awe-inspiring and powerful womyn!
Sweet Little SusieDear Mommy and Daddy, consider your lives OVER! I know you both have been engaging in subversive activities against the state! Your time will come capitalist dogs! Expect the authorities to drag you out of your bed at 2:30 in the morning! Oh, by the way, I made an A+ on that Science test you helped me study for, thanks.
Rot in hell reactionary scum,
Your Little Susie
P.S - There is no hell. Hell was an invention of the Zionist Christofascist White Male bent on scaring good communist from committing acts of revolutionary struggle. What I meant to say was rot in Detroit. Yes, Detroit! Now piss off and wait quietly for the ACLU to arrive.
That little Susie! Isn't she just adorable! I'm sure her underpaid suffering educator will give her an A++ for that little diatribe. I'm sure her underpaid suffering educator will also give the other children the same grade as well. It is the Communist way, and nothing is more important than stringent Party orthodoxy!
Smaller class sizes? You bet! We at PU believe that not only should classes be smaller, but they should also be segregated into appropriate victim-groups. We believe that the struggle against capitalism can only be achieved when the student is grouped into socio-economic-ethnic-group-think units. This ensures that an encounter with other socio-economic-ethnic-group-think units will ultimately lead to violence, moral-competition and ultimately revolution. It is imperative that society be divided and in a perpetual state of class-conflict. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton’s paycheck depends on it!
And who should we thank the most at PU? Why, none other than our top-notch androgynous educators, thats who! Without them we would be utterly lost, forever swimming in a sea of capitalist lies, American myths and unending imperialist hegemony sweeping the globe in utter terror! Our educators come from the finest institutions Mother Earth has to offer, such institution like: Kim Il Sung University, Moscow State, Harvard, Princeton, Oxford and, of course, UC Berkeley. Our educators know what your child needs in order to succeed, and they will stop at nothing to expose their weaknesses, humiliate them in front of the class or report them to the proper authorities for “sensitivity” training. We know what makes them tick, and in order for them to find a mediocre job in our future uncompetitive world we must work hard to build children into government-dependent adults.
For PU course information please consult NYCoRE here.
I thank you for your time and hope you will someday find the time to visit us at PU. We look forward to seeing you (oh, we will be seeing you! Mark my words!) and also look forward to providing your child with the best edukashion American tax-dollars can afford. And yes, they will pay, all 600,000$ in tuition fees – they really don’t have a choice in the matter!
Chairman Meowsevich S. Punchenko ( PhD. ½ Ed.D ¼)
PU President and Dean of the Student Working Masses
By the way, Mr. Principle, Director, Headmaster-in-Chief, sir..., will there be classes on the proper way to end political debates with filthy kkkapitalists without sounding like a total weenie? I have been having problems with that, and would really appreciate to be one of the first enrolled in that class.
Bettywill there be classes on the proper way to end political debates with filthy kkkapitalists without sounding like a total weenie?
Of course! Our hand-to-hand combat courses teach you the best skills for silencing the capitalist whores and their disgusting lies. We will teach you the basics like breaking store windows, parading down the street in jackboots, using a truncheon effectively and, last but not least, how to make full and proper use of your AK-47. We know how hard it is to silence the opposition, and that is why we're here to help! Because We Care About America's Future™!
Sign up for this course and many more today! We are also offering an MBA program to all our students as well (MBA meaning Masters in Brothel Administration, with Bonnie Fwank as distinguished professor of course). I'm currently pursuing my PhD. in Contemporary Appliance Literature (which is nothing more than reading instruction manuals over and over again). We want to give The Children™ so many opportunities to be successful, and that is why we are handing out Degrees like candy! Because We Care About America's Future™.
I'm sorry, I meant to say "Stick up!".
Fork it over, nice and easy...
And the Ph. D. too.
Come here. Count all the Franklins.
Now, how many Jacksons?
No....screw Tito. I'm talking Andrew.
Yes, he's my favorite Jackson too, Lupe. Just keep counting and you can keep the last one.
Excellent! I kept my word. See? Nancy would have only given you an Abe.
Let me suggest a course in Cheerleading. I do not mean in the normal sense, for that would require lithe women and attractive ones. Now I personally would not much mind cheerleaders looking like draft horses, but then I'm odd that way. No, this degree in cheerleading is that: how to endlessly chant mindless things for the advancement of the party:
"George Bush lied."
"The water will rise until it laps the base of Pike's Peak."
"America is Imperialist."
And the graduates will spend all their time either in computer stores or waxing parlors, but not always the ones that you might think. That Baba Wawa really is a puzzler; do you know that she travels with embalming fluid?
This degree in cheerleading is a degree in chearleading for US, the Party. Those in the Inner Sanctum. We who pull the strings of the world. The Enlightened. The Knights Templar. We who ordain the rising and setting of the sun and of the moon.
Lupe, Lupe! Did Caremark send me those medicines yet? Lupe!
Commissar TheocritusLet me suggest a course in Cheerleading. I do not mean in the normal sense, for that would require lithe women and attractive ones.
"George Bush lied."
"The water will rise until it laps the base of Pike's Peak."
"America is Imperialist."
Yes, Radical Cheerleaders. Excellent! Commissar Theocritus, they live and breath for the Party.
TPC post on Radical Cheerleaders
I find that the links to the Radical Cheerleaders website at the TPC article on Radical Cheerleading have been discontinued. They must have fallen on hard times. I think this one must be a successor website of the same crowd, it's not as good as the old site though:
Google searchRadical Cheerleading is Protest+Performance. It's activism with pom poms and middle fingers extended. It's screaming FUCK CAPITALISM while doing a split. ...
Some inspiring cheers.
Chairman, you really must help these girls. In this crazy mixed up fascist world that Bush has created they can barely afford a website anymore. I think they should all receive honorary PhDs and become professors at PU.
Your Excellency! Oh my, I didn't notice you were standing there... have you lost weight? Yes, yes, here... take this PhD. in Village Economics, it should serve you well when debating whatever fascist the Repugs throw up in '08. Your publisher was most generous in providing us with the authorized history of you, Your Excellency. The little ones are already dressing up in pantsuites and rubbing vaseline through their short butch haircuts as well in honor of your noble contributions to society.
Theocritus and Otis: We were unsure about having the radical cheerleaders due to their ability to infect the entire student body with various life-threatning STDs. I was hoping to hire something more... ugh, I hate saying this... "conservative" as far as appeal/appearance. With that said I am thinking about hiring the Dallas Cowboys cheer leaders. I know, I know... it isn't fair for me to choose them over the progressive and equally as beautiful Radical Cheerleaders.... but I am anyways (and I think you, comrade Otis, would agree with me on this. Dr. P, last time I asked, is still suffering from the clap after a stay with these "radical douchebags". He tells me he was drunk, but we all know these academic types, eh comrades? Eh?)
Oh look at the time, I have to get going. I have some contractors installing the Italian marble in my office along with some stuffed wild game (elephants comrades! Real stuffed elephants! Neat-o! Hehehehe!)
(Note to self. Convince Ron Perelman to get Revlon off its ass to get that Agent Orange in a pretty tube with some good stinkum for HRC's party for the anniversary of the time that Bill was acquitted in the Senate. She can apply it with the paint scraper liberated from the George Washington.)
Dr. P has a French disease? Quel dommage! I understand that it can be cured if Melissa Etheridge will play the skin flute for him. That would be a first for everyone concerned. But he might wonder if the cure was worse than the disease; after all you've heard about these, er, ladies with the stainless-steel rotary tongues.
The Radical Cheerleaders (Earth killers)They made pom-poms out of plastic bags and passed their cheers out in zine form
PLASTIC BAGS!?!? EARTH KILLERS! EARTH KILLERS! Hisssss! Plastic bags are suffocating Gaia, you pigs! How dare they call themselves radical... how dare they! Now then, if these bags were re-usable tote-bags with a progressive message ironed on them, then that would be acceptable. But NOOOOOO, they have to use plastic death bags in their little pig cheers! OUTRAGE! CALL THE ACLU! HAVE THESE PIGS REMOVED FROM COLLECTIVE SIGHT!
Oh, and please accept this bottle of Rare Breed as a token of my appreciation for all the work you've done for The Children ™.
But Chairman and Field Marshall, do not underestimate the utility of plastic bags. Think of all the people who vanished during our Beloved Empress's time in the White House, and who were found later on, quite dead, but with no marks on them. Plastic bags do not admit air. Nor does Our Many Titted Empress either.
Also, where would be be without plastic bags for our mules? I personally insist on my mules swallowing plastic bags full of heroin because the condoms tend to break and although I don't give a rat's ass about their lives, it's the cost of the heroin and the plane tickets. One of the bastards insisted on flying first-class and I let him, but I weakened the condom just a little bit. No investigation of course, and so no cops to bribe.
I've found that a mule can pack in about #2 of smack double-wrapped in plastic bags. Now no one is born with the ability to swallow that but I have found that if I recruit from DNC staffers, they have years of experience in swallowing anything. Why, one time at the Rancho del Rio Grande at Red Square Memorial Field, we were playing baseball, or rather they were and I was drinking and watching, and one of them was running with a bat in his hand. The bat entered his mouth and he swallowed.
He straightened up, the handle sticking out of his mouth, gulped, and it came out his ass. And this was not, as you might think, a BEQ. Merely the office manager for the Texas branch of the DNC.
BranishConsidering many four year universities have banned the imperialist U.S. Armed Forces from recruiting, is Punchenko University going to open its doors to al-Qaida recruiters? Offering 72 virgins to every recruit is a very enticing enlistment bonus.
Yes, but only in the K-3rd grade of PU. We feel it best that students at the earliest stages in their educational career make the choice to serve when they are still crapping yellow. This saves us both time and money (the school gets federal funding for every new kindercomrade enlisted! KA-CHING $$$$! Thank-you Democrat led Congress! Thank-you!)
Of course we will be putting this federal money to good use. I plan in the near future to open a chain of family-friendly brothels/crack dens which I am naming Chuckie Schumers. This family-friendly brothel/crack den will have arcade games, hookers, booze, drugs, ski-ball and a banjo playing animatronic Bill Clinton, complete with animatronic Janet Reno, Sandy Burger and a merry chorus of animatronic Arkansas State Troopers. I'm still in the works on finding a mascot to entertain The Children (while their parents get coked up and frisky with hookers, mind you), so far I'm leaning towards a sewer rat.
Chuckie Schumers: A Damp Darkened Whore House Where a Democrat Can Be a Democrat!
Meowa banjo playing animatronic Bill Clinton Standing on a bridge watching people on a boat pass underneath? "Squeal like a Monica!"
Can you get the Arkansas State Troopers to do a Rockette's style chorus line?
And I'm so impressed that the Disney folks have time to do PU, considering their incredible workload in making the Goremon look like human being.
Juanita is waiting for you. She's a doctor, you know, trained in Cuba, with huge lovely brown eyes and lustrous black hair. She'll soothe you.
Come back, Punchenko. You're working too hard. Let Theocritus help you.
Chairman M. S. PunchenkoNo... I AND I ALONE WILL EDIT THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER. Enemies, enemies are everywhere.... I can't trust such power in the hands of students... NO! I refuse to trust such power, such yummy yummy power in the hands of the underlings! You're conspiring with them, aren't you, Theocritus? You're trying to launch a putsch in my own school? Yes, I know how all of you are conspiring against me! I know how you want to take PU away from me! I won't let you! I WON'T LET YOU! Ahahahaha! Ahahaha! <scurries away and locks door>
...OK we have 2 drama queens...the mime and the Chairman...sheesh
And where is the mime? I've got a good case of blood-lust. I've never tried all-out nuclear war.
And Ex Lax takes so long to work its way through. I high pressure hose connected to a 50-gallon barrel of mineral oil will do the trick.
Come out peacefully and no Dachshunds will get hurt.
Aww crap. Here comes PETA. So much for Plan B.
Meowsevich! Remember the free will donation you just made on behalf of PU?
I invested it all in cattle futures. With the market killing I made in that, I re-invested in railroad cattle car futures. With all the gulags I have on the drawing board, I'm willing to give you 15% on those cattle car futures.
Deal or no deal?
Do it For The Children!
I think that two gulags at least could be used to pick the nits out of Congress, and another one to polish Nansky's 757. And after all, that won't satisfy her for long, and we'll need skilled workers to make seat covers from supple, tanned leather, and you and I both know that the best of that is the tanned skin of white RepubliKKKan virgin boys of northern European descent whose beard have not yet shown nor voices broken. Who would inherit trust funds from their parents.
And how Nansky will love that: farting on dead white people. And she will not get the irony that there is no difference, really, between the sitter and the sittee.
There is one catch.
You have to change the marketing from "A Moral Alternative" to "An Alternative to Morals"
Oh...and of course I'm going to be named to the board of trustees.
Of course we can talk.
Let's do cocktails some time and kick back a few Bug Eyed Queens.
Recipe for a Bug Eyed Queen:
1 Fifth of Eagle Rare Reserve Bourbon, unspilled.
1 Bug Eyed Queen, shaken and stirred to a point of frenzy.
1 clump of hair
1 motel room
Mix until combustion, then serve ice cold in the parking lot.
This is the only drink which is not only a drink but a floor-show for third-world children; I have never after that time felt the need to give to Save the Children for I've entertained them mightily in the past. And I'm sure that they were not hungry for months, after laughing that hard.
But after that, the BEQ vanished. I had hoped for, say, a convenient murder, but it was just after that that we had the first successful SDI trials. My (straight) friend Ron coined the name Bug Eye claiming that those glances could shoot down Soviet missiles.
I still maintain that we in the party could benefit from BEQ defense. The only problem would be getting them to shut up long enough to hear what was going on, although we could use them as an information service. Five gossiping BEQs have more information-gathering ability than the CIA and the FBI together, and if Saddam Hussein had dressed better, we would have known exactly what was there and the color of the walls of the rooms it was held in.
Her Most Supreme Excellency, Ruler of the World, Defender of the Goremon Faith, World Renowned Author, Mother of Chelsea, Husband of Bill, Lord and Protector of the Progressive Way, Winner of a Grammy - Hillary R. Clinton - The Majestical, The Awesome, The Powerful, The Butch, The Wise and the Most Fashion Savvy Womyn in all the UniverseWith all the gulags I have on the drawing board, I'm willing to give you 15% on those cattle car futures.
Deal or no deal?
<opens door> DEAL! DEAL! DEAL! DEAL!
Meow, Walking on Thin Ice,Her Most Supreme Excellency, Ruler of the World, Defender of the Goremon Faith, World Renowned Author, Mother of Chelsea, Husband of Bill, Lord and Protector of the Progressive Way, Winner of a Grammy - Hillary R. Clinton - The Majestical, The Awesome, The Powerful, The Butch, The Wise and the Most Fashion Savvy Womyn in all the Universe... I applaud your return to the world and will do what I can. But do I detect an effort to cut me out? There was a side deal between Hillary and me, and we even sealed it with some BEQs--that that forms a bond more permanent than that trite blood brothers bit. It's what Casteneda was all about, but he just didn't have the right drug.
When you were last at the Punchenko Wing of the Rancho del Rio Grande de Teocrito I did not show you all of the rooms. There is one reached by a stair case entered by a false wall at the back of a closet. I had not wanted to spoil your festive mood, but please know that it is still there, and the room that it leads to is still there, and Bruno is there too. And you cannot believe where I got him. Nor what he is capable of.
It might be said that he is the world's expert on the anatomy of the BEQ, and I do not mean the drink. Now Our Empress is pretty damned good at that one herself, but even she, with her steely reserve, did not get more than a few feet inside that door. Where. Bruno. Waits.
I'm all for this Progressive bit, and I can go along with a gag, and I'll stand shoulder-to-shoulder with the Party when it comes to prizing dollars and power out of the hands of The Little People™, but in a contest between my love of the Party and my love of the dollar? No contest, not even a temptation. Not a possible, probable shadow of doubt, not a shadow of doubt whatever that my heart belongs to my wallet.
And why do you think that I live close by the Rio Grande? The scenery? No. The Mexican police take a lot less money to bribe because the border agents are too busy asking you for papers to do any real policing, so I cannot tell you all of the bodies which are freighted in and out right under their noses.
Not only do I recycle kulaks, but I am doing paper documents too. Have you seen those desk attractions with a million dollars of shredded money in them? I have one of the original U.S. Constitution. So far the only bidder in the ball park is George Soros, but I'll give you a deep discount for, oh, say, 75%.
Deal? And we can freeze out the bitch. I put some slow-acting poison in her BEQ. I'm immune to it by now. God am I immune to it.
So it's a matter of making sure to get off but not too much.
Hey. I've got an idea. You know, HRC is getting a little big for her britches, which is quite an accomplishment in and of itself. Didn't know there was that much Kentucky Fried Child. You know: No Child Left on a Plate. Let's set a honey, er, money trap for her, tell her that she can raid the Harvard endowment, and when she rolls up with her convoy of Renobilts to haul away all the loot, we'll give her the Social Security Administration. That will send her insulin to lethal levels and then we won't have to worry about her. My dear, nearly departed, friend.
...Lupe! Have those East German engineers finished Meow's suite in his wing? He ought to be a little big sluggish when he gets here...
Meow, I have a brand new delicacy here for you at Rancho del Rio Grande de Teocrito. The batter-fried sweetbreads of RepubliKKKan virgins. You'll love them wiith a sangria. I'm sanguine that you'll love my sanguinary sangria, collected with utter sang foid.
Chairman M. S. PunchenkoDr. P, last time I asked, is still suffering from the clap after a stay with these "radical douchebags". He tells me he was drunk, but we all know these academic types, eh comrades? Eh?
Punchy, old boy, you know I always use two-ply when sampling from the RadCheer platter. And, of course, I'm always the crowning finial of their pyramid.
Gimme a "C", gimme an "L", gimme an "A", gimme a "P".
What's that spell? Applause, bitches!
I wouldn't recommend being the first one to stop clapping...
Supposedly these "books" (which will be burned) have been out for a while (since 2005 actually, and just why weren't we aware of this and who should we blame? hmm?).
I knew there was a Party Approved book called Why Mommy is a Democrat, but never in a million evolutionary years would I expect this kind of filth to make it out of the unionized printing houses! No sir!
Not in a million evolutionary years!
Luckily for me I found out about this hateful publisher through Chris Matthew's little show, which, by the way, slammed these books as "propaganda" with the help of a scary dykey progressive womyn (who may be hiding under your bed as we speak <gasp!>).
They even have a little hateful video which can be found here.
Once again the relentless reich-wing hatemongers will stop at nothing to steal away the 1-5 year-old voting bloc away from us! It's Southern Strategy all over again and we are getting the shaft! OUTRAGE! Buy these books from www.worldahead.com and toss them into the incinerator once your butler brings them into your library while you're smoking a montecristo and drinking aged brandy! Do it for The Children™, but more importantly - do it for Socialism!
And the child-fondling priests who were not disciplined until forced to? Behavior worthy of the party.
Let's not forget Bishop Spong, conducting gay orgies on the altar. Not Romish, I know, but still one of the flock.
We have the NEA working for us, inculcating in young minds progressive ideas; we have large, established churches, doing the same. We have governments. Every organization which ought to know better has, out of amour propre and just plain silliness, decided to work for us. They will be first against the wall, of course.
Ignore these radical Republicans. The voice of John the Baptist, crying in the wilderness. Come the revolution I shall personnally decorate canvasses with their brains and sell them to museums endowed from public money, in galleries next to Andreas Serrano's "Piss Christ."
And we will have no use for fellow travelers, either, will we? If they were treacherous enough to betray the country that made them possible then they could betray us, couldn't they? Of course they could. So do not worry. They will all be dead, for I shall foment an interenecine war--they are the worst--and we shall murder the last one standing. Then all that will be left will be the drones on Tooheyland. Which will be the new name of America.
Commissar TheocritusThen all that will be left will be the drones on Tooheyland. Which will be the new name of America.
One could call this "The Dream of a Marxist/Leninist Amerika".
And of course we would have to eliminate our fellow travelers. But we must be careful how it is done. For example, the NEA. They may continue to be Useful Idiots for years to come.
Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev
I am made of envy of course; it animates me. But I am particularly envious of the people who invented gun control. Are them members of the Party? Honorary ones, to be sure, but that is so very good that they themselves must be done away with.
Commissar TheocritusBut I am particularly envious of the people who invented gun control. Are them members of the Party? Honorary ones, to be sure, but that is so very good that they themselves must be done away with.
Indeed Comrade Theocritus, getting guns out of the hands of law abiding sheep-le and into the hands of criminals and children was invented many years ago my honorary party members. Once we get the law abiding sheep-le disarmed, then we can nationalize the police force and go door to door and round them up. However, I must say, I have some serious trepidations about disarming the following states: Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, N & S Carolina, Virginia, West "By God" Virginia, Kentucky, and Tennessee. The military can be used in those states once we gut the Posse Comitatus act. When our Many TIttied Empress is in the Ovum Office, the confiscation of the sheep-le's firearms may begin! Thus the nationalized police and the military, both under party control, will have guns! Think of the peaceful society will have created! Glorious!
Once The Party™ is in power, who needs these "Gun Control" imbeciles? No one!!! To the Gulag or the Firing Squad with them!!!
Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev
But you are utterly right about confiscating firearms in Texas. When Our Many Titted Empress was positing taking them in 1992 as part of her Buggy Whip Control, er, Bad Hair Day, er, National Health Care initiative, my neighbors said, "Well, this is as good a reason to secede as any."
These people must be eliminated.