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Putin alleges Tea Partiers in Ukraine, wins over US media

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Vladimir Putin, tired of being labeled as a "bully" by media left and right, held a press conference in the Kremlin earlier today, offering a completely new angle to his case for the seizure of the Crimean Peninsula and the possible invasion of Ukraine: the presence of a Tea Party element at the Maidan in Kiev.

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"The Ukrainian nationalists have historically been a grave threat to peace in Eastern Europe, indeed, the whole planet and possibly the solar system," the Russian President said through an interpreter. "They were likened to Nazis by the previous Soviet government, which was universally esteemed by American media as true, unbiased, and factual," Vladimir Putin paused to wipe away sentimental tear. "Remember Pravda's motto? 'We report, you agree.' I make little funny there," the Russian President smiled as chuckles rippled through the room.

"However," Putin proceeded gravely, "according to new information from reliable sources, this so called 'independence' movement in Ukraine has been taken over not only by Jews and Neo-Nazis, but TEA Party members as well."

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"Here is picture of hundreds of activists waving Gadsden flags and other totalitarian symbols of oppression in Maidan Square," said the Russian President to an audible gasp of horror from the Western journalists. "Believe it or not, they are shouting for lower taxes and limited government."

As one reporter for NPR began mumbling, "I knew it, I knew it," an ABC correspondent fainted in her chair. The presser was briefly paused to allow medical personnel to carry a trembling New York Times journalist from the room.

U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid immediately seized on the news: "We must no longer punish our Russian brothers who have joined us in this most noble cause," he whispered passionately from the Senate floor. "I hope my Republican colleagues will join me in granting Russia with most favored nation status and access to any military technology we might not have already passed on to them."

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Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who was nodding in agreement behind Reid, took the microphone next. "World peace is threatened by dangerous radicals. They may be supported by the likes of Senator Ted Cruz, but certainly not by the reasonable, true conservatives in the Republican Party. We stand with Putin," McConnell finished and turned away to be warmly embraced by Senator Reid.

President Obama immediately countered Putin's press conference with a statement of his own.

"This new information changes everything," Obama said from the Oval Office. "In the past, I had threatened to release another picture of me posing decisively with a telephone if Putin continued to escalate the situation, but I have directed the photographer to wait indefinitely. Instead, by my direction, we are sending a carrier task force to the Black Sea to assist the Russian military in their mission, and in addition, three divisions of crack IRS auditors."

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In an interview on MSNBC, Hillary Clinton hotly denied comparing Putin to Hitler.

"I never made any such comparison, directly or indirectly," said the former Secretary of State. "It should be abundantly clear to anybody who was paying close attention that I was talking about Rush Limbaugh."

Meanwhile, the New York Times, ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, NPR, and Martha Stewart Living have all issued lengthy retractions and apologies for referring to Vladimir Putin as a bully.

Speaking of the media's latest view of President Putin, Chris Mathews of MSNBC admitted, "It's weird, I just can't stop looking at his shirtless pictures."

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Some of the larger pictures presented by Putin's investigative team to prove Tea Party presence in Ukraine.

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Yes, Chris Matthews makes much more sense. And great agitdord work.

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Have there been any confirmed sightings of that radical dissident Teodor Cruzski?



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As someone posted under this post on our Facebook page...

Given TEA stands for Taxed Enough Already... does that mean anti-Tea Party types are the Please Over Tax Us - or POTUS?

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Red Square wrote:Given TEA stands for Taxed Enough Already... does that mean anti-Tea Party types are the Please Over Tax Us - or POTUS?
I think not. It means that the anti-Tea Party types are the moochers who claim the product of the efforts of others.They are the Please Over Tax Them - or POTT-heads.

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Red Square wrote:That would be Fyodor ...

Thank you for clarifying my misunderstanding of what I thought I heard...receptions on the contraband crystal radio (that is not in the toolroom of the People's tractor barn and never has been there) has been pretty rough, between solar flares, bad bio-rhythms, and the Zampolit rummaging around all the time... Teodor, Fyodor, tom-ay-to, to-mah-to, its still the same teabaggers!


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It's worse than we thought! Next they will spend over 20 hours debating healthcare...

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Indeed, and reading Dr. Seuss no doubt.

Rumor has it that Rand Paul and Mike Lee were also in the crowd, but I ran out of time before leaving for work sly devils that they are, they avoided the camera.

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The woman to Cruzinsky's right, she looks familiar and dangerous. I fear she may be a CIA operative. Do we know her favorite flavor of pudding?

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Yes, yes, send in IRS auditors! None can resist such -- they are our greatest weapon other than TSA gropers inspectors and EPA regulators. In fact, I humbly propose also sending in said EPA regulators to detain any teapartiers and other enemies of Mother Russia who are spewing toxic carbon dioxide into air (i.e., breathing).

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Kommissar Blogunov -

I Bow To The Master! All hail Kommissar Blogunov!

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I just thought of a great way to get an Anti-Flag Burning amendment to the Constitution passed.

Henceforth all Conservative gatherings and protests, we need to take upside-down American flags and burn them.

The leftists' heads will spin and they'll clamor for that amendment faster than you can say, "Gimme an EBT card!"
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M84
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Juche Couture wrote:Image
I just thought of a great way to get an Anti-Flag Burning amendment to the Constitution passed.

Henceforth all Conservative gatherings and protests, we need to take upside-down American flags and burn them.

The leftists' heads will spin and they'll clamor for that amendment faster than you can say, "Gimme an EBT card!"
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I would consider this idea "brilliant," Comrade, but that would mean my ideas were Less Brilliant, and I cannot abide that.

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Thoughts? Ideas? You two thoughcriminals march yourselves down to the nearest Jiffy-Lobo and get that nonsense cleaned up...

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Oh comrades, I have just returned from the Ukraine and the situation is far more serious than we thought. Those degenerate savages with their backward Tea Party senses are destroying what is left of "their" country by going out of their way to purchase massive gas guzzling SUVs so they can smother what is left of the natural environment in a sickening cloud of smaug, just like the Nazies they are leaving NOTHING behind in their retreat from the Russians. Do not forget about the environment! They are even stealing a clean world from our children's children! They also have the audacity to try and ARM themselves with GUNS where they can get them! Is that how people act in the 21st Century? By pointing guns at other people to get their way? It's ridiculous!

These ignorant and unreasonable Ukrainians we are dealing with are intelligently equivalent to knuckle dragging apes!

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Juche Couture wrote:Kommissar Blogunov -

I Bow To The Master! All hail Kommissar Blogunov!
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Thank you for your kind comments, but there is a Master worthy of all praise, and I am not He. Also, His Equalness, Red Square, made some editorial improvements to the original as well as the graphics.

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M84 wrote:
Juche Couture wrote:Image
I just thought of a great way to get an Anti-Flag Burning amendment to the Constitution passed.

Henceforth all Conservative gatherings and protests, we need to take upside-down American flags and burn them.

The leftists' heads will spin and they'll clamor for that amendment faster than you can say, "Gimme an EBT card!"
Image

I would consider this idea "brilliant," Comrade, but that would mean my ideas were Less Brilliant, and I cannot abide that.
Rejoice, comrades! For there is no such conflict in our Progdom where all ideas are equally brilliant.


 
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