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Reservoir Progs

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Four perfect criminals are brought together by the mysterious "Niceguy" Soros to perform the perfect crime: hijack an entire country.

Lead by Mr. Red, they each receive marching orders detailing their part of the scheme.
You'll be shocked, horrified, and kept on the edge of your seat by this gritty crime drama inspired by a true story.

Rated R: some material not suitable for small children or people with a strong attachment to the US Constitution.

"Four stars - made my legs tingle and my voice even more shrill. ...loved every mind-numbing second." -The Huffington Post

"Intoxicating" -The New York Times


Another fine mess by the Hell Gazette.

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A NOTE FROM RED SQUARE, PEOPLE'S DIRECTOR:
The Party looks kindly at your propaganda efforts, comrade Pan'em! Our visual agitation department has been ordered to build up on your idea and produce more glorious agitprop materials (scroll down), including this movie poster:


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The burning question is Which one is Mr. Pink?

But equally burning could be Which one is Mr. Red? For every made prog is read, through and through.

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Comrade P.E.C.

I have been greatly enjoying the movie so far but I thought it was all for the children??

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It is for "The" Children, but not "small" children. For them they go to the Glorious Young Pioneers of The Year of Hope 2009 Theater to watch "Mr. Obama and Snuggle Bunny Bring Universal Health Care".

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A message from NETFLIX: If you liked this movie, you may also enjoy "All Progs Go To Heaven," a documentary about the life and times of Senator Edward Kennedy. Also consider renting "O Heavenly Prog" starring Barack Obama and "The Shaggy Prog," a comedy of errors themed on Joe Biden's career.

In addition, your children may enjoy the remake of an all-time classic, "The Half-Black Fang."

These films are to replace such previously popular but outdated movies as "Typical White Christmas," which are to be discontinued.
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I am deeply honored, comrades, that these efforts are appreciated. Even more gratifying, however, would be the extra 3 beets and 1 half-ration of vodka I was promised this week...? Is my local "beet warden" on-line?

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Panem Et Circenses wrote:I am deeply honored, comrades, that these efforts are appreciated. Even more gratifying, however, would be the extra 3 beets and 1 half-ration of vodka I was promised this week...? Is my local "beet warden" on-line?

Isn't sharing with the collective more than enough to make you happy, comrade? Hmmm?

As Comrade Obama has said, "Focusing your life solely on making extra 3 beets and 1 half-ration of vodka shows a certain poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. Because it's only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself and toil for free in the public service that you realize your true potential."

Explore your true potential, comrade! The collective is right behind you. Watching. Closely. Very closely.

If you're lucky, you may become a candidate for our next Cube-wide campaign of denunciations and purges.

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Oh, comrades - the extra rations were not for me. They were for undervantaged, er, disprivileged - make that disenfranchised children.
Yep- disenfranchised children.
And widows.
And orphans.

...although... they wouldn't have much use for the vodka, would they?

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Red Square wrote: As Comrade Obama has said, "Focusing your life solely on making extra 3 beets and 1 half-ration of vodka shows a certain poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. Because it's only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself and toil for free in the public service that you realize your true potential."

Well spoken, Comrade Red Square! We need more comrades willing to follow the example of our heros and labor selflessly in public service! Comrade Michelle Obama never asked for 3 extra beets in reward for her tireless service she had a 300k no-show job in Chicago and now lives high on the taxpayers' dime as First Lady. Chairman Obama never asked for extra vodka to compensate him for volunteering to lead us because things go better with coke anyway. None of our fine public servants - Comrades Pelosi, Reid, Murtha, Rangel, Dodd - have ever so much as hinted they expected anything in return for their contributions to the country as they likely have appropriated everything they wanted by now.

I hope you will heed these words, Comrade Panem Et Circenses, and stop thinking of only yourself until you can get into public office and make a really big score instead of settling for chump change.

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Panem Et Circenses wrote:Oh, comrades - the extra rations were not for me. They were for undervantaged, er, disprivileged - make that disenfranchised children.
Yep- disenfranchised children.
And widows.
And orphans.

...although... they wouldn't have much use for the vodka, would they?


I'm glad to see you have come to your senses, comrade. You can give me any spare vodka you have, I will see that it is disposed of properly.

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Commissar Theocritus wrote:The burning question is Which one is Mr. Pink?

But equally burning could be Which one is Mr. Red? For every made prog is read, through and through.


Commissar, I wonder about your Party loyalty, every loyal Party member knows that Comrade Harry Reid's nickname since childhood is "Pinky".
<br>Harry "Mr. Pinky" Reid is one tough prog.

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What?

No "Prog Day Afternoon"?

That's the one where the taxpayers are forced to pay for Fredo's sex change.
Very progressive.

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The thing I like the most about Quentin Tarantino movies is that almost everybody dies...Horribly!

Rumor has it he's working on another project called "Inglourious Beeturds"

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Comrade Whoopie wrote:The thing I like the most about Quentin Tarantino movies is that almost everybody dies...Horribly!


OMG. I hope he never decides to make a movie about the Democratic Party.


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Bread and Circuses, quit blubbering. You'll get all the beets that you want, and all the vodka, and a good bit more, but you have to put your money where your mouth is.

Sure, you talk a good battle, but what have you done for the collective recently? When's the last time that you stole pencils from a blind man's cup? Has it been more than a month since you took candy from a baby and told the mother that candy was bad for babies? Did you say that before or after you put the candy in your mouth?

You can talk a good talk here, but if you want your beets, and a good deal more, I might add, for we members of the Inner Circle do not scruple over quibbles, deliver to the Rancho by Friday

1. The pencils from one blind beggar's cup.
2. The retirement plan of someone whom you convinced would be better served by government
3. A bushel of lies.

For #3 you are not permitted to recycle Bill Press, Mike Malloy, Janeane Gawdawfulo, Rachael Madcow, Thom Hartman or Alan Colmes.

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Commissar Theocritus, I was just about to start on the project you have outlined when I noticed the last line. How am I complete it with this restriction placed on the work?

Also, would pencils stolen from anyone do? His O-liness has healed all the blind here in Michigan. There are many UAW folks that are blind to reality, will that work?

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P.E.C., as far as I'm concerned you can conflate #1 with #2. UAW members are of course blind, having willingly plucked out their eyes and given them to their union bosses. This is the opposite of the deal that Odin got. If you can strip a UAW member of his pension, then that's 2/3 the battle won in one fell swoop.

As for #3, I did give you an out. Just think of all the remaining lying talent. Katie Couric, Brian Williams (although insist that he get the brown matter off his nose before you get too close). Ellis Hennican! What a monumental liar. You may use Mark Morford, if you can stand the hilarity, and if you can keep your lunch down, try Jodin Morey.

More lies there than all the dick-pill commercials on earth.

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3. A bushel of lies.
Bush-el Of Lies! Commissar Theocritus, I do believe you made a funny! I nearly spewed borscht all over my party-approved 8" CRT komputer monitor.

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How did you get an 8" monitor? That's all that I have and I had to blackmail two commissars, have one transferred to Vladivostok, and make sure that a fourth didn't wake up from a routine appendectomy.

We may have to have a show trial here. Have you ever been the subject of a show trial? Pupovich is very good at show trials; in fact he even eggs us on for a show trial so he can strut his stuff.

If you have an 8" monitor, that means that you are insufficiently diligent which means a show trial for you.

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Well, it is shared between three of us so that amounts to, uh [carry the 7 - no, borrow the 7], um [now where is the 'minister of saved or created jobs' to help me with the math??], er - just enough to meet party rules.
(between comrades, this is where the extra 3 beets and half-ration of vodka went)

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PetC, let me urge you to continue on posthaste (or what was posthaste; now FedExhaste) in your betrayals and back stabbings. Also never lose a chance to steal someone else's diary. Many a time some dear comrade has come to the Rancho and managed to lose his diary, and within just a few days he'd found it useful to make me a gift of his bank account.

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I heard a rumor that Disney is making something for very small children called "The Princess and the Prog." Can anyone confirm that?

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It didn't make it through the system. A pea is a quiet and unassuming little vegetable; they couldn't cast a prog like that.

Another possibility was a buddy movie--a left-wing princess and a progressive set out across the country to right the wrongs done to the proletariat by the greedy fat cats and the soulless, sterile soul of Wally World. They couldn't cast that either: the princess spent all her time complaining that she wasn't respected enough and the prog kept sighing and lecturing, like Mike Malloy, and eventually the best boy shot them both.


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It's too bad that Mike Malloy was shot; last night I heard a canned show on America Left on XM. He was inviting callers. Mike has two flavors of callers--resentful, hurt, and raving, or shills.

"We invite callers. But not right-wingers. If you're a right-winger and you live where there's 52" of snow, take off your clothes and play in the snow."

This just two days after he admonished his prog listeners to be careful in the snow. "But if you're a Republican, go to the mall and when you hit an icy spot in the road, floor it."

And Michael Moore says that it's too bad that Osama didn't hit the red states instead of the blue ones.

I'm so glad to be a progressive. If I'd said anything that sanguinary and not been insulated from my actions by my political beliefs, people would think that I was a nasty bastard. Like one of those Republicans being urged to kill himself or to be killed.

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Will this movie reach the heights of "Prog Day Afternoon", where the Obamessiah robbed a bank and redistributed all the money to the crowd that came to see? Or, "My Life as a Prog"? "Progma?"

There was a horror film shown in the Motherland once called, "Heart of a Prog". They put the pituitary gland of a conservative in the brain of a progressive and....and...the loyal proletarian began to...to THINK! it was terrifying.

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Tsarevna, I hereby sentence you to re-education camp. Or three weeks of Jiffy-Lobo.

You have forgotten yourself, Madame Comrade. Progs don't think. Thinking is hard. Thinking requires honesty. Thinking requires integrity. Thinking requires abstraction from yourself.

We Made Progs never think. We feel and scheme. First, we are all about our own high-minded morality, and whether or not it works is beside the point. That's why we don't think. But to get our way we scheme.

Report to Jiffy-Lobo.

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COMMISAR!!! While I commend your noble effort in denouncing this thoughtcrime I am astonished and at your revealing hand in our game of poker. To be blunt....

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Thinking is hard. Thinking requires honesty. Thinking requires integrity. Thinking requires abstraction from yourself.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!!! WE CANNOT HAVE THE PROLETARIAT KNOWING SUCH THINGS!!!

Hail Obama!

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Don't worry, RR. The proletariat has been educated so long by unions that they can no longer think. They merely balances prejudices and desires to formulate demands which someone else must meet.

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Theocritus wrote:You have forgotten yourself, Madame Comrade. Progs don't think. Thinking is hard. Thinking requires honesty. Thinking requires integrity. Thinking requires abstraction from yourself.

But....comrade Commisar, that's what I MEAN! That's why the film was so SCARY! I....never mind. I see the error of my ways. After all, even insinuating the public can think, even stories about a thinking public, even satire about a thinking public is anathema to the Glorious Ideas put forth by our Glorious Leader.

I would go to Jiffy-Lobo, but as every good citizen should do, I removed my own frontal lobes as soon as I joined the Party. Everything has been happier and more joyful ever since.

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Tsarevna, this is all very laudable; I much like the idea of doing your own pre-frontal lobotomy for it saves the doctors' time for necessary things like Nanski's botox and liposuction for our Many Titted Empress's ginormous thighs. And relieving the ever-present crick in the neck of Z0bama which he gets from looking down at us.

But do please know that those <i>lobes can grow back</i>! Once I gave a dear friend, who had sadly slipped from the Red Brick Road, a rather thorough Jiffy-Lobo, and when the doctor was finished, my friend couldn't focus or eyes or stop drooling. The perfect prog, I thought. I rubbed my hands and called it a good day's work and walked away.

In less than a year I saw him again, and he was reading, and not only reading, he smiled at me and said, "Theocritus! Guess who gave me this?" he held up a book. "It was the author, P. J. O'Rourke. I just met him."

I was aghast. Progs should never be allowed around people like P.J.; he can say one thing which will burst entire castles of unwieldy, but essential, ideology. And it seems that the contact had made my friend's pre-frontal lobes start regenerating.

So do watch it. If you ever start thinking prudently and paying attention to reality, hie thee instanter to a Jiffy-Lobo.

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Panem Et Circenses wrote: Image

The woman with the nicotine-stained pearls; giver her a breath mint. Quickly!
And some Visine!


 
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