In a distasteful "up yours" gesture of aggression, South Korean capitalists have staged a hostile and unprovoked attack against peaceful communist North Korea, its caring leadership, and personally Dear Leader Kim Jong-un, by sending an array of menacing condom-shaped balloons over to the glorious workers' paradise of economic equality, equipped with unhealthy and fattening bourgeois chocolates dangling from the base of the phallic symbols to sweeten the deal.
It is a known fact that chocolate is a drug-like addictive substance, which is why the loving and compassionate North Korean government banned its manufacture and consumption, replacing it with a healthy and non-addictive diet of grass clippings, seaweed, and tree bark with occasional grub meat.
To make things worse, chocolate is packed with calories, saturated fat, and sugar, which are now being banned even in the arch-capitalist United States. In addition to causing headaches, obesity, heart burn, and rectal itching, chocolate also triggers emotional problems like irritability, confusion, anger and mood swings.
Combined with blatantly pornographic balloons, this calculated mix of drugs, sex, and hullabaloo is clearly designed to agitate and disorient North Korean workers and peasants, provoking the least ideologically conscientious of them to stage an uprising against their caring government and Dear Leader himself.
It is understood that if this vulgarity on the border doesn't stop, the peaceful North Korean military will have no choice but to respond with ballistic missiles shelling the hostile balloon launch sites, which South Korea is cleverly disguising as civilian parking lots.
The bourgeois propaganda organs, obedient to their capitalist masters, have predictably described the lewd provocation as a mere "gift" to the "suffering" people of North Korea, promoting the insidious lie that the toiling masses across the border are somehow "starving" and are "desperate" for their "food." Below is an example of such ridiculous distortions.
On Wednesday, about 200 South Koreans attached thousands of chocolate snacks to 50 giant balloons and released into North Korea after Pyongyang reportedly banned the coveted treats from the country earlier this month. The pies, which have become popular among hungry North Koreans, are considered as a symbol of capitalism and represent a cultural impact that might encourage an uprising.
"We will continue to send Choco Pie by balloons because it is still one of the most favorite foodstuffs in North Korea," said Choo Sun-Hee, one of the organisers of Wednesday’s balloon launch.
In response to the activity, Pyongyang has pressed Seoul to stop their people and threatened to shell the launch sites.
The horror, the horror! South Korea cannot be allowed to expose North Korea to kkkapitalism! What a slippery slope that would be; today snack cakes, tomorrow Big Gulps! Where would the insanity end?
I too have have violated the pure sanctity of the Glorious Democratic People's Republic of North Korea. During my misspent youth I was a Capitalist Aggressor Stooge. I joined the US Air Force to enhance my role in the Cold War. I wasn't satisfied with the typical civilian role of "Nuclear Hostage". I ended up as a load master on C-130s. One of my favorite missions occurred during a confrontational exercise held by South Korea (spit). The prevailing winds were predicted to be from the South to the North. I guess this is slightly unusual. So our cargo compartment was loaded with many bales of leaflets that I couldn't read. Our job was to fly at a fairly high altitude for us along the border and dump the leaflets out the back. In effect we were littering North Korea. I always suspected that the leaflets would be more effective if they were edible. This is what I did to win (what a pity) the Cold War. I'm done denouncing myself. I'll report to the nearest Alaska Railroad Station.
Maintaining the Current Truth,
Look at the bar-b-que that he and Tovarichi treated my twin aunts to...
But... it got worse!
Comrade OtisBut who cries for the poor exploited Ivory Coast cocoa bean farmers who've never even heard of Choco-Pies! Shame!
Seems the very wind blows unfavorably for the lowly bean people. But come Next Tuesday,™ this too shall pass.
Cower in fear, capitalist dogs! Kim Jong-Il has No Dong!
(Yes, that's really what they call it.)
While mending my government issued socks, I overheard my block captain say that his commissar heard from his cousins state approved health provider, that the non gender specific first spouse of the dear leader has seen the tragic events unfold in South Korea, and is weighing in.
I am only loosely quoting from a letter drafted Aug 4 2014
From the Office of the First Lady of the United States of Obama
To the puppet state of Non North Korea:
It has come to the attention of my splinter regime, that your south Korean irregular forces are littering our northern allies with Choco-based hypnotics and Male oriented, helium laden and non biodegradeable allergine rich balloons.
While we do condone the handing out of condoms to anyone in a thousand mile radius, we are concerned that the sheer size may intimidate our friends in the north.
Here in my husbands country, we ( I) have been successful in removing all the Choco-salty snacks the young capitalists desire in our elementary thru high school detention centers, and replacing them with the healthy choices needed to fuel their voting skills.
Before We submit your ten largest companies to the Whims of Louis Lerner, we will give you two weeks to offer different snacking options.
Eg: Non sugar/ Dairy based treats
Vegan nut/legume options
Gluten free transgender friendly tofu.
environmentally sustainable algae pellets.
or anything already approved by me. (see public school menu options)
Also in closing we will recommend that you not send your treats via male oriented phallus shaped - greenhouse gas fueled, non biodegradable and migratory bird death traps.
looking forward to your complete cooperation,
First Lady of the United States of Obama.
There you have it folks, while you were all sleeping and dreaming of a brighter tomorrow , or just in the arms of the esteemed holder of the flagpole, making babies for the fatherland, the Leaders dear are insuring equality for all.
This has been your favorite beet flavored beverage, reminding you that beets are a natural source of vitamins and minerals.
In response to South Korea floating giant condom balloons over North Korea, North Korea retaliates by floating giant Sandra Fluke balloons over South Korea to encourage South Koreans to practice birth control.
Quote:The Socialist Party of the United Soviet States of Amerika™ stands in solidarity with the peaceful and freedom loving people of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (North Korea) in their struggle against the South Korean proxy provocateurs of the bourgeois, running dog imperialist counter-revolutionaries hiding like cowards in the United Soviet States of Amerika. We call on General Secretary and President for Life Obama to seek out and punish these evil capitalist war-mongers for their crimes of chocolate abuse against the peaceful people of the free state of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea.
Comrade OtisBut who cries for the poor exploited Ivory Coast cocoa bean farmers who've never even heard of Choco-Pies! Shame!No one. Not since the KKKapitalist French invaded the country in their war for chocolate...