Dateline Seattle, Washington -

Seattle officials announced today that they are calling for a ban on any and everything offensive in the city of Seattle.

Slated to become the USSA's first fully non-offensive city, Seattle's Office of Civil Rights announced a ban on words such as "citizen" and "brown-bag", and officials we spoke to assured us that they were just getting started.

"Sure, we've got a long way to go," stated Sheila Jackson-Sharpton, the head of the Office of Civil Rights committee to ban all things offensive, "But we have to start somewhere, and we're starting with banning any words which anyone in the city of Seattle might find offensive, assuming that the offended person is properly progressive, of course. No one NEEDS a high-capacity dictionary!"

Ms Jackson-Sharpton told us that by this time next month they hope to start banning things other than words, such as the moon.

"The moon is mostly white, and that's not acceptable in a non-racist, fully progressive city such as Seattle" stated Ms Jackson-Sharpton to a crowd of reporters.

The city is currently installing thought scanners, provided by the Google Corporation, on every street corner, and we're told that by the end of 2014 there will be absolutely no thought crime tolerated in Seattle.

I denounce Comrade R.O.C.K. In the USSA for posting this before I did! As Commissar of Time, I will be retroactively posting this as soon as the wormhole is functioning again (For which I denounce Comrade Hero Space Dog for spilling Vodka all over the control console during the drunken May Day party)

Having blamed others for my perceived shortcomings, I will now join the Progressive choir in welcoming Seattle's new and more enlightened sensitivity! Undocumented Migrant Democratic Voters will no longer feel as if they are second class persons by being reminded they are not citizens, and persons of color will no longer feel as if they are associated with bagged lunches. Truly, Seattle is a bastion of Proper Progressive Thought(TM) and a heroic light to the world, that shines through the darkness of capitalistic excess and shows the Hope(TM) of Socialism.

Colonel 7.62 wrote:I denounce Comrade R.O.C.K. In the USSA for posting this before I did! As Commissar of Time, I will be retroactively posting this as soon as the wormhole is functioning again (For which I denounce Comrade Hero Space Dog for spilling Vodka all over the control console during the drunken May Day party)

Having blamed others for my perceived shortcomings, I will now join the Progressive choir in welcoming Seattle's new and more enlightened sensitivity! Undocumented Migrant Democratic Voters will no longer feel as if they are second class persons by being reminded they are not citizens, and persons of color will no longer feel as if they are associated with bagged lunches. Truly, Seattle is a bastion of Proper Progressive Thought(TM) and a heroic light to the world, that shines through the darkness of capitalistic excess and shows the Hope(TM) of Socialism.

I denounce you both! I just spent an hour getting this story together and now its been stolen. I want my 1 hour refunded with appropriate mental anguish penalties added just to make it fair.

TheBlaze: Government workers in the city of Seattle have been advised that the terms "citizen" and "brown bag" are potentially offensive and may no longer be used in official documents and discussions.

KOMO-TV reports that the city's Office of Civil Rights instructed city workers in a recent internal memo to avoid using the words because some may find them offensive.

- Elliott Bronstein, Seattle's Office for Civil Rights
"Luckily, we've got options," Elliott Bronstein of the Office for Civil Rights wrote in the memo obtained by the station. "For 'citizens,' how about 'residents?'"


In an interview with Seattle's KIRO Radio, Bronstein said the term "brown bag" has been used historically as a way to judge skin color. "For a lot of particularly African-American community members, the phrase brown bag does bring up associations with the past when a brown bag was actually used, I understand, to determine if people's skin color was light enough to allow admission to an event or to come into a party that was being held in a private home," Bronstein said.
According to the memo, city employees should use the terms "lunch-and-learn" or "sack lunch" instead of "brown bag."

Bronstein told KIRO Radio the word "citizen" should be avoided because many people who live in Seattle are residents, not citizens. "They are legal residents of the United States and they are residents of Seattle. They pay taxes and if we use a term like citizens in common use, then it doesn't include a lot of folks," Bronstein said.
Seattle, however, isn't the only city with an eye on potentially disruptive words.

The New York Post reported in March 2012 that the city's Department of Education avoids references to words like “dinosaurs,” “birthdays,” “Halloween” and dozens of other topics on city-issued tests because they could evoke “unpleasant emotions” among the students.

Dinosaurs, for example, conjures the topic of evolution, which could rile fundamentalists and birthdays are not celebrated by Jehovah's Witnesses. Halloween, meanwhile, suggests an affiliation to Paganism.

Officials said such exclusions are normal procedure, insisting it's not censorship.
“This is standard language that has been used by test publishers for many years and allows our students to complete practice exams without distraction,” a Department of Education spokeswoman told the newspaper last year.

Oh Pshaw - I denounce the whole lot of you!

Non-offensively, of course.

Well, they will need to keep the Smurfs happy, so every two to three years they will be able to say "blue-moon." If a Smurf happens to defend himself he would still be a white-blue, so the every two-to-three year ban-lifting would not be impacted.

I DENOUCNE OLD BIDDY SHARP-JACK FOR BEING AN INTERLOPER!!! I, your very own Frau, was the first to ban the bandible in the Peoples Gulag!! Surely you got the memo!??

Currently everything is banned on the Banned List... please check your list for updated bandibles so you will be in compliance! NO MORE MOONING UNTIL FUTHER NOTICE!!

Comrade Fraulein, as a former member of a world class synchronized mooning team, I must ask - will mooning still be allowed during the "blue moons" referenced by Comrade Marx above?

As a citizen of Washington state I would like to know the city of Seattle's plans for the phrase "tea-bagger".

Oops! I used the word "citizen"! Now I'm in trouble!

ratskins wrote:As a citizen of Washington state I would like to know the city of Seattle's plans for the phrase "tea-bagger".

Oops! I used the word "citizen"! Now I'm in trouble!

Comrade ratskins, I refer you to the opening post, where Comrade Jackson-Sharpton stated "...we have to start somewhere, and we're starting with banning any words which anyone in the city of Seattle might find offensive, assuming that the offended person is properly progressive, of course."

Obviously, use of the word "tea-bagger" is fine.

I am, however, greatly concerned - and deeply offended - concerning your use of the word "citizen".

Would "not-white bag" be O.K.? And if the bag actually was white (who would spend bridge credits on that!?) could you carry it? I'm assuming that sandwiches will still be approved if they are made with "not-brown bread," you just can't eat them (unless they are of the 1% white bread variety?). I await orders to tell me what to think tell others.

Comrades,

Since pictures are said to be worth one thousand words. I will gather the masses to burn all forms of art produced by means other than Comrade Obama approved pictures. It's so obvious, why haven't we finished this cultural incineration under King Obama's first dictatorship term?

Comrades
I have the privilege, (which shouldn't exist), of announcing this news from a fellow Comrade living in the People's Federal Republic of Wessex. Those who know history and geography may remember it as Southern England. A fanatical religious faction over there has got wind of this, and the proud Comintern of Seattle will soon be eclipsed by those demanding that the suffix "ham" be removed from all place names, advertising, menus, and anything else visible in any town Common or street there. No more Buckingham Palace or West Ham FC. Though the former should have been pulled down a century ago, it will remain as a spectacle by which the Proletariat may live vicariously for to maintain public order alone.
And does Starbucks offer beet kvaas at their flagship kiosk?
There hasn't been this kind of carrying on since what used to be West Germany banned the sale of a motorcycle branded the Triumph Acclaim 50 years ago because it means "sieg heil" when translated. I await the report by the People's Lexicographer on all this when the next Party Plenum convenes.

Frankly...

I find that "Space Needle" contraption an offencive eye sore. I mean! Does Space have some form of venereal disease that requires a hypodermic injection?

Since I am offended, they must demolish it at once.

And... while we are at it, I find any building in the metro area surrounding the "Space Needle" above 5 stories tall to be offensive. Tear these monsterour monuments to Bourgeois misbehavior down at once to spare me my discomfort.

I also find it offencive that pretty females in that area walk about with any form of attire. Rather they should go about their daily lives in the buff (with the exception of certain high heeled shoes).

The Seahawks! VERY Offencive!

What else?.....

I am FURTHER offended that I have not received a sizable commission for my contributions to the improvment of the Sity of Seattle.

ROCK, go denounce yourself.
Slashing through the moon... How are our Mooslim comrades supposed to know when Ramadan begins and ends without the moon? Just because it's white doesn't mean that the infidel sattelite planetoid cannot be exploited by the Religion of Peace (or risk being decapitated, or blown up or something really unpleasant...)

Your racist hatred and intolerance is noted...

Tovarichi wrote:ROCK, go denounce yourself.