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Spirit of Ambassador Stevens Doesn't Want Investigation

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TPC News, Washington DC - In an effort to cooperate with Republican calls to investigate the events leading up to the attack on Benghazi, House Democrats on Thursday took the unusual step of going straight to the source of the controversy.

"Only one person can answer all their questions," explained Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, "and though he has passed on, Ambassador Stevens can still be summoned from the beyond, and this is what we did."

"No one whom Republicans want to investigate was actually in Benghazi as a witness. So this is nothing but a desperate attempt to win political points for the next election. When they tried to get House Democrats to participate in their grandstanding and pretend it's anything other than political theater, we decided that enough was enough and went to the only person that could clear things up. We went to Mme. Blavatsky," Pelosi said.

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Mme. Blavatsky, a long time resident of Washington DC, is a trusted spiritual medium of the old school, who conducts seances by special request. With very few people outside the Beltway familiar with her name, Mme. Blavatsky is nonetheless a highly influential figure in the salons of the Democratic Party.

Though the press is rarely present at such Democratic Party events, this one warranted extensive media coverage. The invited journalists and bloggers were asked to stay behind the roped-off area in complete silence, as high-ranking House Democrats sat at a large round table holding hands, with the striking Mme. Blavatsky at its head.

"Shhh!" she said after a long silence, and called on everyone at the table to close their eyes and concentrate.

The seance went through the usual standard operating procedures (we mustn't bore our readers with those details), and within a reasonable period of time Mme. Blavatsky was alternately speaking tongues, laughing, weeping, and gossiping with famous dead people who were idling their time in the beyond.

The trivial chatter eventually shifted to Benghazi and her wish to speak to Ambassador Stevens.

As Mme. Blavatsky went quiet, the House Democrats at the seance table became noticeably fidgety. Many opened their eyes and saw an amazing thing happen.

As if all of a sudden, a doorway to an adjoining room opened, revealing a spectral figure of a bespectacled man. He appeared old and worn, looking more like Harry Reid than Ambassador Stevens. Did Stevens wear glasses?

"I am Ambassador Stevens," the shadowy shape said. "Why do you summon me?"

Mme. Blavatsky explained the situation.

"Benghazi?" said the spectral form in the doorway. "Please, I ask that you don't investigate that unfortunate misunderstanding. There's nothing to be gained. You'll only aggravate old wounds. I know better than you, as I am a spirit, and again I ask you to stop the investigation."

With that desperate plea from beyond, the seance seemed to be over. Mme. Blavatsky thanked the spirit for dropping in, fully expecting him to skedaddle. The high-ranking Democrats around the table seemed to expect the same thing, lowering their hands and beginning to chit-chat.

But the ethereal spirit didn't seem to have gotten the memo.

"If you want to investigate anything," he said, showing no intention to vanish back from whence it had come, "you should investigate those Koch brothers. I've been up here in heaven for a while and I'll tell you God doesn't like those Koch brothers. I've got it on good authority from up there, at the highest levels of heaven, that the Koch brothers are doing the work of the devil and that's why they're behind global warming. I ask from beyond the grave here: stop this right-wing Koch-fueled conspiracy about Benghazi and investigate those damn evil Koch brothers from hell! I repeat, investigate the Koch brothers!"

Just then the lights suddenly went out and security hurriedly led the assembled press corpse out of the mansion and back into the light of day with a news story, which boiled down to one sentence: Spirit of Ambassador Stevens asks the Democrats to stop investigating Benghazi and start investigating the Koch brothers.

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This is a stroke of genius, Comrade Center. Spirits have been voting for Democrats for years, there's no reason they cannot testify for us as well.

So, mystery solved. I don't know why Obama himself didn't think of this, given the wonderful relationship he's had with dead voters over the years.

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After reading this factual article, there was something which didn't feel exactly right, and I still can't put my finger on it. Even though there is absolutely nothing in the text which caused me to question a single letter, this odd sense of bewilderment kept rearing its ugly head and forced me to do some fact checking. Well, after calling Comrade Pelosi's office, the feeling disappeared. Everything is factually correct and yes, the Koch brothers need to be taken down. According to a Pelosi staffer, Comrade Reid was with his werewolf pups over at Circus Circus enjoying the adventuredome the entire day, so in no way could he have been in both places at the same time.
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It seems the invited journalists and bloggers were also provided with resources to do their own fact-checking, with each given a "special edition" Ouija board (the planchette being glued in place).

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Red Walrus wrote:After reading this factual article, there was something which didn't feel exactly right, and I still can't put my finger on it. Even though there is absolutely nothing in the text which caused me to question a single letter, this odd sense of bewilderment kept rearing its ugly head and forced me to do some fact checking. Well, after calling Comrade Pelosi's office, the feeling disappeared. Everything is factually correct and yes, the Koch brothers need to be taken down. According to a Pelosi staffer, Comrade Reid was with his werewolf pups over at Circus Circus enjoying the adventuredome the entire day, [highlight=#ffff00]so in no way could he have been in both places at the same time.[/highlight]
But surely with his high degree of holier-than-thou self-righteousness sanctity he has attained the gift of bilocation, no?

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Yes Comrades, once again terrestrial phenomenon creates an inexplicable storm of events and coincidences that seem to benefit the Koch Brothers. Even now the most facilitous political maneuvering cannot overcome the typical Republican political bigotry. Until these reich wingers like Gowdy, who continue to brazenly distort and vilify peace loving Islamic passions, the true viewing of the blasphemous tape will never see their rightful airing so that the American peoples will never have a chance to make an informed decision.

Image Look, we all know that “Babs Boxer” was denied a seat on the committee, however during her weekly address to the Beltway Séance Administration, Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi carefully looked past the pigmented green eyes, the distorted features of Barbara Boxer, whose pea soup rage at Republicans efforts to desensitize Americans to the Koch Brothers violence against the American people continues to be a major concern. While not crafting and channeling legislation, Boxer has now been encamped outside Gowdy's committee doorway, whose efforts prevent societal equality to spirits. Yes, Steven's appearance through Reid cements the notion that the Koch Brothers need to be taken down indeed and Boxer will see it through!

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The Democrats ought to take that act on tour.

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RedDiaperette wrote:
Red Walrus wrote:After reading this factual article, there was something which didn't feel exactly right, and I still can't put my finger on it. Even though there is absolutely nothing in the text which caused me to question a single letter, this odd sense of bewilderment kept rearing its ugly head and forced me to do some fact checking. Well, after calling Comrade Pelosi's office, the feeling disappeared. Everything is factually correct and yes, the Koch brothers need to be taken down. According to a Pelosi staffer, Comrade Reid was with his werewolf pups over at Circus Circus enjoying the adventuredome the entire day, [highlight=#ffff00]so in no way could he have been in both places at the same time.[/highlight]
But surely with his high degree of holier-than-thou self-righteousness sanctity he has attained the gift of bilocation, no?

Comrade RedDiaperette,

No one knows for sure if Commissar Reid has attained bi-location powers as of yet. However, close personal associates of Reid claim he is suffering from advanced Dissociative Disorder or more commonly referred to as having a "Split Personality" . Therefore, Comrade Reid could have aimlessly wandered into the seance and in fact had The Ambassador's spirit channel through him without even knowing he left Circus Circus. When asked by several Koch brother operatives, the werewolf pups incessantly declined to comment on Reid's whereabouts during the time of the supernatural office function.
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Comrades, may I remind you that summoning the dead (and I don't mean just for voting) is nothing new to Comrade Nancy:

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Indeed, comrades - Nancy Pelosi sees dead people.

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TPC CORRECTIONS AND AMPLIFICATIONS

The People's Cube has received numerous anger letters from high ranking democrats stating that the article Spirit of Ambassador Stevens Doesn't Want Investigation is completely untrue and false... as the events at the actual seance "didn't happen that way." Greater illumination however was not forthcoming in the word-for-word sameness of the letters.

The People's Cube also received one angry letter purporting to be a direct communication from the Spirit of Ambassador Stevens. Its contents were an exact duplication of the letters referred to above and is signed Harry Reid.

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Karl Marx Treatment Center wrote:TPC CORRECTIONS AND AMPLIFICATIONS

The People's Cube has received numerous anger letters from high ranking democrats stating that the article Spirit of Ambassador Stevens Doesn't Want Investigation is completely untrue and false... as the events at the actual seance "didn't happen that way." Greater illumination however was not forthcoming in the word-for-word sameness of the letters.

The People's Cube also received one angry letter purporting to be a direct communication from the Spirit of Ambassador Stevens. Its contents were an exact duplication of the letters referred to above and is signed Harry Reid.
I rest my case. Comrade Reid was at the office work function seance, but didn't know it. After his illegitimate offspring gave him his daily doses of Haldol ™, Seroquel ™ and Thorazine ™, Reid returned to his timid demeanor and began to babble about how the Koch brothers were actually nice guys. Since The People's Cube received an exact duplication signed by Reid of above stated truth, I am completely satisfied Comrade Reid can channel spirits and ghosts and is on the verge of breaking through the glass ceiling of time travel. It all fits together perfectly for any logical non-thinker like me, and of course our loyal People's Cube contributors. Nothing to see here except the affirmation that the Koch brothers are an extension of evil Bush and Cheney (as Comrade Reid cannot tell a lie when channeling). Yes sir, I am completely at ease with the truth.


 
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