The whoosh of air as the shovel swings back and then forward. The satisfying clang as it strikes its target upside the head. The shovel-shaped dent in the skull.

The howls. The moans. The crawling around on all fours as the “whackee” fumbles to scrape up his yellow teeth, gold piercings, red mucus and gray matter. The vacuum tubes (Opiate) and ice axe (Whoopie) sticking out of places where they weren't sticking out before.

How often did this happen in the past year, and to whom? Who was the most deserving? Who received the most shovel-whacks? Who had the temerity to bend and leave a dent in my shovel, as opposed to his head?

Who dared to do what only the impetuous and stupid would do—offend and/or denounce Commissarka Pinkie?

That comrade could be eligible for The People's Cube First Annual “Shovel Whackee of the Year” Award.

Vote for your favorite, submit your nominations, and get ready to swing and duck! (Actually, only Pinkie will do the swinging; the rest of you will have to duck if you know what's good for you.)

FINE PRINT: Grand Prize subject to availability and Commissarka Pinkie's whims. Winner must meet all eligibility requirements. Eligibility requirements subject to change without notice. All results will be final. Commissarka Pinkie reserves the right not to award the winner or any runners-up. She also reserves the right to shovel-whack the winner as well as the runners-up, losers, nominators, or any slack-jawed, knuckle-dragging idiot bystanders dumb enough to get in the way. Anyone else has no rights at all. Commissarka Pinkie will not be held responsible for any theft, injury, mental anguish, loss of residence/income, or inability to procreate or otherwise get a date as a result of participation in the Shovel Whackee of the Year Award Program. For a complete list of rules, requirements, and prizes, please send your bank account number, PIN, and a self-addressed stamped envelope to Commissarka Pinkie c/o The People's Cube. Allow 12 months to 5 years for response. Commissarka Pinkie reserves the right not to respond at all. Void where prohibited and you will be eliminated for not using Party-approved facilities.

A flutter of the red headscarf to Comrade Tooorisky, who will allow me to take credit for this unless it totally flops, in which case he will join the pathetic pantheon of proles who have been clients with the business end of Pinkie's shovel.

Pinkie, I'm surprised that you don't just count the notches on your shovel handle.

And what of Betinov? Or Buffoon? Surely they deserve some honorable mention.

Comrade Pinkie,

I voted for myself to insure at least one vote. I was amazed to see that my back was the target by others as well!

Popularity can be a good thing, in this case, not so much.

No mention of "Rookie of the Year"?

I must take exception to that.

I figure that any time my name does not appear in official documents is good news.

Thank you, Whoopie, I knew I'd forgotten a few comrades who deserve to be something more than "Other." Brain and Boot are hereby added to the poll.

Betinov, for one, will surely be miffed that he was overlooked in the first place, but one look at my shovel and I believe he'll swiftly get over himself.

Pinkie - here's a picture from last year's award ceremony, where you also sneakily advertised Betinov's home-made beet hair dye for an extra vodka rationing coupon. As a result the award ceremony was cut short as you were getting more and more smashed and wound up whacking jury members while screaming "I'm the one who cares!" before collapsing into the orchestra pit and falling asleep.

other = the mime, Mikael Rudolph

(If it's for denizen's of the cube only, then I'll have to write in another)

This year Pinkie had a cheap imitator...

Pinkie,

Very delighted to see the equality of equalness when voting adjustments are properly distributed!

My head is on a swivel, your travel schedule is not equally distributed. That may be grounds for a denouncement by those higher up the food chain than myself.

Tickets to SWOTYA show are in short supply, they arrived at the *bunker and a fight for them immediately ensued. The guilty parties will remain unnamed but rest assured, they will be censured. If you did not now have a ticket I do accept bribes, or seat filler positions are still open.

* I neither confirm or deny that a bunker exists.

From Comrade Otis and the Soviet Socialist Marching Harmonica Army Band album Spoiled Rotten Beets

Let's Dig Away
[lyrics - based loosely on Not fade away]

Pinkie you you're something girl
got your love locked up in a shovel whirl
Come out, come out
and play tonight!
Digging the whole whole world digging the site
All of our shovels go clickety-clack
keeping time
dancing the whackity whack
keeping time
'till morning's back

Your caring to her just better be real
or else you'll know just how she feel
Oh yeah, we'll dig away
dig away!
we'll dig away

I voted for Krasnodor, but now I wonder if Tooorisky should have gotten my vote.

Comrade Pinkie,

Would you be able to do a kind of back and forth flip of the shovel and whack one and then the other?

How about a triple whack, to include Comrade Groucho Marxist?

Superkommissar Maksim wrote:Tickets to SWOTYA show are in short supply

SWOTYA? As in swat ya?

Leninka wrote:How about a triple whack, to include Comrade Groucho Marxist?

You just want to hit me, don't you?

Reiuxcat: Ordinarily I might say yes to nominating The Mime, on the grounds that if he can still vote after he's dead, then surely he can receive an award under the same circumstances. However, the winner should ideally be someone who's actually been whacked by my shovel this past year.

Leninka: Given the right stimulus, I can achieve multiple whacking and even do it in various positions.

Groucho Marxist wrote:

Leninka wrote:How about a triple whack, to include Comrade Groucho Marxist?

You just want to hit me, don't you?

No, that's not true. I'd like to whack Comrade Whoopie, too, because he didn't buy me a MarXmas BeetCake.

My skull is grateful that Whoopie is leading the pack. Of course I voted for him, and am about to fire up the wormhole so I can go back and vote for him a few more times. Meanwhile, since I am comfortably losing the vote, I will suggest maybe Comrade Pinkie should receive a taste of her own medicine for a change. Just sayin'

Hmmm…

While I rest assured that the present list of nominees is most worthy of the field, I would have thought that after so many eloquent -- if not elongated -- diatribes posted to the peoples' blog pages by yours' truly that certainly somewhere might be established enough evidence to ensure that one might perhaps deem me worthy of a position on the peoples' poll for the 2010 "Shovel Whackee Of The Year"?

Alas, not even an honourable mention. I do, after all, enjoy a good whack. Perhaps next year may bear more fruit.

That comrade could be eligible for The People's Cube First Annual “Shovel Whackee of the Year” Award.

What a fine selection of Comrades for some formal whackanition!!!!!! I have noticed that ole thunderthighs has excluded me little self from the target of this award.

Ohhh..wait a sec, seems there is this fine print thing, ahh, what the hey I voted for Obamacare before I read the darn thing, this fine print stuff should be no different.

Ummm, but what the hey let's just see what in it, and let me just take a sec to peruse the typical formal legal yadda, yadda, yadda stuff.

FINE PRINT: Grand Prize subject to availability and Commissarka Pinkie's whims. Winner must meet all eligibility requirements. Eligibility requirements subject to change without notice.

YIKES.......Think Snoogie, Think!!!.......Gotta weasel out of this somehow before I get to be the target of this she devils shovel affections.....GOT IT....Shameless meaningless flattery!!!!!

Pinkiekins?

Have you been losing weight? Your avatar looks sooo lovely of late.

Well, I see the voting is progressing nicely. What a relief, I was afraid I'd have to have my election attorneys demand a recount or worse, actually revisit all of Pinkie's posts in 2010 and count up all the times she whacked me.

For those who still haven't voted, you'll be getting a visit from my ACORN registrars and their SEIU goons assistants.

Please pay no attention to the nice man with the truncheon pacing malevolently back and forth in front of the polling place. He's just there to assist you in making the right choice.

Commissarka Pinkie wrote:Reiuxcat: Ordinarily I might say yes to nominating The Mime, on the grounds that if he can still vote after he's dead, then surely he can receive an award under the same circumstances. However, the winner should ideally be someone who's actually been whacked by my shovel this past year.

Leninka: Given the right stimulus, I can achieve multiple whacking and even do it in various positions.

No worries, it's your shovel, afterall. :-)

Hey Pinkie, look what I found in the KGB files, your first day at the gulag...

Somebody........please tell me this picture of Pinkie is a sepia-tone and not an actual color photograph........

So many worthy candidates.....hmmmmm.....I vote "Present".

Comrade Krasnodar,
The picture is definitely sepia-tone. Color photography wasn't invented until much later.

Grigori E.R. wrote: Comrade Krasnodar,
The picture is definitely sepia-tone. Color photography wasn't invented until much later.

I denounce Grigori's attempt to earn a shovel whack before the voting ends.

This is my favorite time of the year! chestnuts roasting over open fires, jackfrost nipping at your nose, the loud, repetitive klang of Pinkie's shovel doling out end of the year justice! Such a magical time. Congrats to all the nominees, you have much to look forward too!

[video][/video]

Grigori E.R. ,
I extend my congratulations to you, sir, for your dazzlingly effective statement about the sepia-tone that, undoubtedly, has put you front-and-center on Pinkie's Shovel Radar.

Grigori E.R. wrote:So many worthy candidates.....hmmmmm.....I vote "Present".

Comrade Krasnodar,
The picture is definitely sepia-tone. Color photography wasn't invented until much later.

I denounce Comrade Grigori! It is a well known fact that color photography has existed since the mid 1800's. Many striking examples from the 1890's onward exist of color photographs. Would you perhaps care for a trip through the wormhole to experience these first hand?

Most Glorious Malevolent Pinkie -

Thank you, Whoopie, I knew I'd forgotten a few comrades who deserve to be something more than "Other." Brain and Boot are hereby added to the poll.

Betinov, for one, will surely be miffed that he was overlooked in the first place, but one look at my shovel and I believe he'll swiftly get over himself.

Comrade Betinov may get over himself with one look at your instrument of Social Justice but I'm incapable of getting over meself! Ever! I'm also incapable of getting over your head scarf! It's so That 70's Show! So Carter Era!

But I prog-ress...

I knew passing along my toilet paper and bread rations to Comrade Whoopie would one day pay off and I thank him for pointing out the oversight.

BUT!

Lest we forget the many failures and transgressions of our Dearest Whoopie?


His failure in the Cheka?


Causing his "friends" consternation?


Not properly minding his goats?


Carousing with undesirables?

Oye! His only redeeming quality is his torrid love affair with this beautiful Communist woman!...


who wouldn't dream of knockin' 'dem boots?

,,,me vote will be placed carefully comrades...

Sorry Comrade Whoopie. I was trying to divert attention away from your lead, but it looks like Comrade Buffoon's got you back front and center. Congratulations on your new babe.

Comrade Whoopie I am for being of much pride for you to be at list top. You must be feeling so much of the year end joy that so many of the peoples are for caring for you in such way.

Isn't anyone going to vote for Betinov?

Here I went to all this trouble to add his name after people had already cast votes, thereby resetting the tally and throwing numbers off, and yet no one has voted for him.

Not even Whoopie, who suggested him. But then I shouldn't be surprised. No doubt Whoopie suggested Betinov because he didn't pose a threat to Whoopie's chances of winning. (That's why we progs are slobbering and jumping up and down with crossed legs for Sarah Palin to run in 2012. Not that we don't think Obama would have trouble winning against anyone else. But because we just want to be able to destroy her and proclaim her a loser once and for all.)

Now, I suppose I could vote for Betinov, but it would be nothing but a "pity vote." Only where should my pity end, comrades? Already I give "pity shovel whacks", have given a "pity Beet of the Week" to Marshal Pupovich, and I've had more "pity dates" than non-pity dates (and never you mind who was the object of pity each and every time).

Oh well, at least I've raised awareness about it--and I would never even go that far if I didn't care.

Pinkie- there seems to be something wrong with your voting machine- I am only allowed to vote once. How am I to help my candidate if I can't cast necro-votes, undocumented-votes, and Dallas-Cowboys-votes? Help a prog out!

Commissarka Pinkie wrote:Isn't anyone going to vote for Betinov?

OK, so I went and voted for Betinov.

Better him than me I figger.

I wonder if Pinkie ever had a chance to meet Matthew Brady ?

Very well, comrades, since tomorrow night is New Year's Eve, shall we use that occasion to whack crown our Shovel Whackee of the Year?

I know I'll be here, since I can't even get a pity date to sit with me in front of the TV to watch Ryan Seacrest + 50,000 losers freezing their butts off in Times Square.

Krasnodar: I've never met Matthew Brady, but I always thought Greg was kind of hot, whereas Peter was just a jerk, even after his voice changed.

Commissarka Pinkie wrote:Very well, comrades, since tomorrow night is New Year's Eve, shall we use that occasion to whack crown our Shovel Whackee of the Year?

I know I'll be here, since I can't even get a pity date to sit with me in front of the TV to watch Ryan Seacrest + 50,000 losers freezing their butts off in Times Square.

Krasnodar: I've never met Matthew Brady, but I always thought Greg was kind of hot, whereas Peter was just a jerk, even after his voice changed.

I would sit with you, but my wife would kill both of us.

OK, I just now had to delete a post by Rachel Corrie's Ghost because I accidentally hit the Edit button when I meant to hit the Quote button, and totally effed up the post in making my response.

My only defense is that I've only had one glass of vodka so far this morning. Nonetheless, I am supremely pissed at myself (but relieved it wasn't Red Square's post because I've seen what happens when a comrade is dumb enough to edit/delete one his posts), and have no other recourse but to shovel-whack someone.

Vladimir Scratchanitch, since you're the one who happens to be in the immediate vicinity, I'm afraid the shovel must fall upon your head.

WHACK!!!

If you weren't stupefied before, you certainly are now.

Commissarka Pinkie wrote:Vladimir Scratchanitch, since you're the one who happens to be in the immediate vicinity, I'm afraid the shovel must fall upon your head.

WHACK!!!

If you weren't stupefied before, you certainly are now.

Sure. Why not. Fits with my lifetime of being a white male in Amerika.

Of course it's my fault you deleted a post and have had only one glass of vodka for breakfast.

I learned long ago to accept my damnable role as the damned.

Well now. Isn't this a fine fettle of kitsch. Pinkie has to hold a poll to see who will get the a little shovel (tough) lovin'? And THEN SHE HAS TO BE REMINDED TO INCLUDE ME?

I, Betinov, who personally stuffed over 5,000 envelopes with the wrong mailer, sending the "Briefing to the Party Stalwarts" letter outlining the current spectacular progress of the Five Year Plan to Dismantle Capitalism Through Statist Regulation to crucial swing voters in three key states...

I, Betinov, who, during my appearance on "Meet the Press," admitted that Robert Gibbs is often called "Beltway Bob" in the White House for the uncanny resemblance between his press briefings during the recent elections and statements made by "Baghdad Bob" during the invasion of Iraq...

I, Betinov, who left the latch on Vice President Biden's quarters unsecured, resulting in almost twelve hours of unsupervised public intercourse requiring a lot of favors, bribes and threats to hush up...

I, Betinov, who leaked the photos of the National Park Service workers planting full-grown vegetables in the First Lady's White House Garden...

I NEED NO PITY VOTES! I STAND ON MY RECORD!!

Speaking of the First Lady's happy little garden, might it not be appropriate to award her a Beet of the Week (and send notification of such to the White House)?

Excuse me Comrade Betinov, but how can you " stand on your record " when you don't even have legs ?

You could lie on the record, perhaps. After all, most politicians lie on the record.

On second thought-

Nothing brings me more happy thoughts than knowing Comrade Whoopie is acknowledged by the collective as most deserving a concussion.

But, shouldn't we all be equally deserving of such Pinkie Justifacatated Head Trauma? Are we not ALL shovel ready? Do we not all take our orders equally from the shoe phone? Did Adolph Hitler not invent the oven mitt and highway speed limit sign?

Do we not all giggle when John Boehner gives tough talk to our beloved Communism and then sobs like a San Fran peep booth attendant handing out Pelosi mops?

Commissarka Pinkie wrote: I know I'll be here, since I can't even get a pity date to sit with me in front of the TV to watch Ryan Seacrest + 50,000 losers freezing their butts off in Times Square.

Happy New Year Pinkie...

Don't feel bad, Comrade Whoopie. We just opened up a 15 year old bottle of Champagne. It was "Horrible." We threw all but 2 sips out (one sip to horrify, the second, to verify).

In the meantime, we're counting on a custard coconut pie stilll cooking in the oven. What do you think our chances are of extacy?

Why, thank you, Whoopie (she says as she wipes his drool off her cheek). I never knew you cared pitied.

Does this mean you want to be Shovel Whackee of the Year, or that you're hoping to seduce me into passing you over?

(Carefully opening first one eye then the other as he cringes in the corner covering his head)
Pinkie, of course I care, albeit not as much as you do on such a wide range of issues.

Perhaps you can see your way clear to award me something less coma inducing than a taste of cold steel. Although stealing a kiss without getting whacked is it's own reward.

It looks like Comrade Whoopie is the winner.

Do we all get to swing the shovel?

I twan a gniws ta eipoohW! naC I worrob ruoy levohs eikniP?

Comrade Whoopie,

Looks like your elected, it's your lucky day.

I'm still dumbfounded that she didn't pound me into the ground like a tent peg.

Could it be we have a new merciful Commissarka for the New Year? She did resolve to be even more caring (if such a thing is possible). Then again, I wonder why the Rooster is out of sorts. I'm hoping that's New Years celebrating and not the results of a glancing blow of Pinkie's benevolent shovel.

Comrade Whoopie wrote:

Commissarka Pinkie wrote: I know I'll be here, since I can't even get a pity date to sit with me in front of the TV to watch Ryan Seacrest + 50,000 losers freezing their butts off in Times Square.

Happy New Year Pinkie...

Pinkie peck sm.jpg

AND WHERE IS THE KISS FOR THE FRAU AND LENINKA!!!!!????

Yes! Where is it?

Here you go ladies...

Peaches in soap suds? Shouldn't that be on the Commodore's Chow thread?

Comrade,

That is disgusting! You kissed the wrong cheek, the left side is correct in this instance.
Places everyone! We'll try this again from the top, or bottom!

Tooorisque, that is the left cheek (same as Pinkie).

Comrade Whoopie,

Not stage left, MY left!!!!!!!!!!

Comrades, may I remind all of you that the title of this thread is NOT "Butt Kissee of the Year Award."

Whack Whoopie already damnit and be done with it. He won, and is entitled to the whacking.

Commissarka Pinkie,

Everyone who went off topic should get a double whack, except for me.

Like a good prole, I followed the lead of others, because no one told me what to do.

Comrade Whoopie wrote:Here you go ladies...

Kiss_My_Ass_by_dmitroza.jpg

Fraulein,

What an attractive posterior you have.

Comrade Whoopie,

Do I mean that little to you?

On with the Whacking.........oh, peaches........nice.

You have the love of the whole Collective Leninka.

Leninka, all the gulag gals occupy a most equal place in my heart, without exception.

And what of the Gulag guys? Are you perhaps discriminating based on sexual preference? And what is with this sexist "gals" commentary? You sound like a white male oppressor. I denounce.... Oh. Peaches.... nummy... 'scuse me. BRB.

Thank you for your support, Comrade Grigori.

Comrade Whoopie,

Again, congratulations on surviving a whack-a-do, whack-a-do, whack-a-doodle-do.

Colonel 7.62 wrote:And what of the Gulag guys? Are you perhaps discriminating based on sexual preference? And what is with this sexist "gals" commentary? You sound like a white male oppressor. I denounce.... Oh. Peaches.... nummy... 'scuse me. BRB.

I DEMAND WHOOPIE GIVE COLONEL 7+ A KISS TOO!! What is all this discrimination about??!!

Aw Crap! Who the hell ate all my peaches?!?!?!?

I better find a new hiding spot spot, maybe the colonel can loan me a time portal or something....

I charge a 20 percent time portal tariff on peaches. It's for the good of The Children(TM).

Comrade Whoopie wrote:Here you go ladies...

Kiss_My_Ass_by_dmitroza.jpg

Comrades,I don't know who is behind this photo, but it will be your arse if I find out. 87)

Comrade Tooorisky, that is the behindage of Whoopie himself... he just does not like to admit of such. Nor will I reveal how I know it is his behindage but one night, late last summer, after Bruno left Father Prog Theocritus rancho, there was a small, gathering of like minded progs and . . . but I digress.
It is Whoopie.

You're all very cheeky indeed.

just sayin, that your not sayin. that Whoopie shouldn't have been sayin all that he was sayin in 2009 to get himself a 2010 too much sayin' award...

I am excited to see that I "am approved". This must be added to my resume immediately (although, I'm not sure what for).

Outraged? I'm not outraged. I'm honored that Pinkie would consider me for one of her prestigious awards and I'm honored that so many voted in my favor, for it was the People's choice, not Pinkie alone. Outraged? Nay, I'm humbled.

Will these leaks never end? Good grief Comrade Buffoon! Those Women Riding Pigs Carrying Uzis was Top Secret. They were to be the New People's Cavalry! The Taliban would have been shitting bricks. Pigs? Women with Uzis? It would have been an Islamic nightmare beyond compare. All that would've been needed was a chopper with loud speakers playing "Flight of the Valkerie". I did have one problem with the pigs though. Try as I did, I just couldn't teach them to surf.

Anyway, I think Comrade Whoopie has some serious competition for this year's award. We'll see.........................

PIGGIE DON'T SURF!