Ever since I signed up at the BarackObama.com website to request a free bumper sticker, I have been receiving regular friendly emails from various people I never met, who share with me their concerns and life stories. All these different people have one thing in common: they write to me in the same caring, soothing voice, using the same simple words and sentences.
And while the issues may vary, every such heart-warming letter invariably asks me to carry out the same four actions: tell others to pay a little more in taxes; use my email, Facebook, and Twitter to ask Congress to help Obama to make America a better place; share my personal success story that involves some sort of government assistance, and give them three dollars so they could keep sending me these nice and friendly reminders to ask others to pay more taxes, to pressure Congress through social media, to make up stories about how the government helped me to stop being a loser, and to send them money.
After several months their emails began to merge into one warm, fuzzy blur; I can no longer tell what the issue is that they presently care about, but there is always a guaranteed certainty that I can help someone or something if only I do the same ritualistic four-step dance and send them three dollars so they can go on caring about issues.
On the plus side, I have learned to write these letters to myself in my head whenever the nice and caring people at BarackObama.com fail to send me one. This is what they look like:
Subject: SAY NO TO BREADCRUMBS! Campaign Against Pigeon Obesity
A recent government study of the alarming obesity rates among inner-city pigeons has discovered that this debilitating disorder is caused by America's addiction to feeding the birds with breadcrumbs that are high in carbohydrates and low in nutrition. Unable to fly, the overweight birds spend their lives with nothing better to do than to engage in depraved, indiscriminate sex with other pigeons.
This study has inspired the First Lady Michelle Obama to organize a "SAY NO TO BREADCRUMBS!" campaign with the purpose of raising awareness about how much she cares about the proper diet and exercise among low-income Avian-Americans.
But she can't do it without you.
She needs you to use your email, Facebook, and Twitter to tell Congress to ban breadcrumbs and to pass a bill that would make the use and possession of breadcrumbs a felony, with violators being subject to heavy fines and/or imprisonment, as well as to secure five hundred million dollars to fight inner-city pigeon obesity by issuing government food rations and promoting a healthy avian lifestyle, which will include group flying lessons and pigeon-size condoms to prevent an increase in urban populations due to excessive recreational sex caused by their inability to do anything else.
We need to send a strong signal about where Americans stand on this issue. All it takes is for all of us together to start paying a little more in taxes.
Chip in $3 or more to Organizing for Action, the grassroots movement that will get the job done.
Subject: ANIMAL JUSTICE: tell Congress to stop abusing out pets!
In a recent online chat at Google Hangout, the First Lady explained to her audiences the steps they all need to take in order to comply with correct pet-caring procedures. Her remarks were met with an overwhelming support from groups of concerned citizens. This inspired Michelle Obama to push the issue a little further, with a new "ANIMAL JUSTICE" campaign to end domestic abuse of pets, in which many American engage on a daily basis by feeding their dogs inappropriate food and depriving them of necessary exercise.
The only way to help the defenseless animals is to pressure Congress via your email, Facebook, and Twitter to ban the unauthorized sale of pet food and to pass a bill that would make animal feeding a felony, with violators being subject to heavy fines and/or imprisonment.
It is only fair that all domestic pets be fed by specially trained government pet-feeders who must have unrestricted access to pet-owners' premises at all times. The health of our pets also requires that they be walked by licensed pet-walkers who will make sure the pet is properly exercised, and who will electronically tag all ensuing pet droppings, which the owners must then collect using government-issued GPS tracking devices within specified time limits, lest they be subject to heavy fines and/or imprisonment.
This will, of course, require a new, well-funded government program, for which pet owners will have to pay just a little more in taxes.
Tell Congress to do the right thing!
Subject: HOME COOKING: tell Congress to end the practice of unsupervised food preparation!
You probably know that the First Lady is very concerned about your well-being. That is why she has always opposed home cooking. Government studies show that the plague of unsupervised, unlicensed home cooking has long been causing immeasurable suffering on its unsuspecting victims throughout the United States.
Michelle Obama has made it her goal to eliminate the concept of a kitchen from modern living environment - and now she has a plan that will also create millions of new jobs for Americans.
But she will need your help.
Send Congress a message via email, Facebook, and Twitter and tell them to ban all sales of food items and cooking utensils to private citizens, making home food preparation a felony punishable by heavy fines and/or imprisonment. The people must demand the creation of a comprehensive kitchen removal and disposal program, whereby government technicians would uninstall all existing kitchen equipment in private homes, ending this outdated custom once and for all.
Concerns about public health require that all citizens consume prescribed rations in specially designated feeding areas, administered to them by trained government people-feeders on the basis of a correct menu calculated by government nutritionists.
To make this dream a reality, all we need to do is pay a little more in taxes. Most of the lower-income and middle-class family budgets will not be affected, considering how much this program will save them by eliminating food shopping from their lives. Cooking utensil buyback programs, such as "Cash for Kitchenware," will further incentivize this lifestyle transformation.
This plan has already been endorsed by prominent government officials, including Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who praised its obvious benefits, such as prevention of accidental burns, food poisonings, and kitchen fires.
Such a program will finalize the complete liberation of women from the shackles of family, as well as give all citizens a gift of additional free hours every day, which they can use to contact Congress via email, Facebook, and Twitter and ask their representatives to improve their lives with more bans, taxes, and government programs.
Subject: FAIR HOUSING: tell Congress to end housing disparity!
Did you know that some indecently opulent lawn ornaments in Florida could have paid for a decent home for a struggling middle-class family in Ohio?
Congress can stop this right away - but not without your help.
We need you to use your email, Facebook, and Twitter to tell Congress to ban private homes and make living in private residences a felony punishable by heavy fines and/or imprisonment. Demand that the lawmakers do the right thing and put an end to the glaring injustice of housing disparity.
A fairer approach, deserving of a just and advanced society, is to move all citizens to government housing facilities built in UN-approved, environmentally-compliant areas, where they would no longer need to worry about mortgages, property taxes, maintenance and repairs, or owning a private vehicle.
Not only will this save innumerable gallons of water currently wasted on private lawns; such a plan will dramatically improve the quality of garbage collection and recycling, as well as streamline all other government programs, such as feeding humans and their pets by designated government caretakers, monitoring their behavior for possible violations, and transporting their offspring to government-supervised educational, recreational, and nutritional care centers.
While this plan will require that all of us begin to pay a little more in taxes, it will surely be offset by not having material, and often emotional, costs associated with living in an individual residence. As an added bonus, citizens whose housing and nutritional needs are provided by the government, will have a lot more free time on their hands to contact Congress via email, Facebook, and Twitter to demand more government programs.
Citizens whose government takes care of all their needs are the really free citizens. Remember that only by empowering the government can we liberate the middle class and other struggling communities from the need to take care of themselves. This, friends, is the true liberty envisioned for us by the founders.
Michelle and Barack Obama need your help to bring this vision to life. They want you to know that everything they have done so far would have been impossible without your help.
Share with us your personal stories and tell us why you would like the government to provide food and shelter for you and your pet. We will make sure Congress sees your testimonies and takes immediate action.
If Congress fails to act, this fight doesn't end tomorrow. We'll just need to put even more pressure on Republicans to pass the President's balanced plan. Join this fight now.
* * *
This message is brought to you by Michelle and Barack Obama's campaign
to raise awareness about how much they care.
And this was the original image that started the whole idea. But after I was done writing, it no longer fit into the narrative. So here it goes.
Say no to breadcrumbs! Millions of pigeons and other low-income birds suffer from obesity-related disorders because Americans keep them on an unhealthy breadcrumb diet.
I see drumsticks. Yep! Drumsticks....Have the staff crank up the deepfryer!!!
Subject: PROPER BATHROOM USAGE: tell Congress to outlaw illegal toilets and showers and install video cameras in ALL American bathrooms!
It's come to the attention of the First Family recently - especially to Malia and Sasha - that many Americans are flushing too much and using too much water in the shower.
Did you know that every time your shower time exceeds three minutes, or you flush more than once, the ASPCA is forced to kill a kitten? I'm afraid it's true; and with the sequester affecting the availability of humane euthanasia techniques, their little deaths aren't gentle.
No shower should EVER take longer than three minutes - preferably only two - and we urge you to write to your representatives to demand in-bathroom video cameras in all American homes. If you have nothing to hide, why should you care? We need legislation now that will provide the soon to be created Department of Homeland Bathrooms with unlimited video access to all bathroom activities, for the sake of the People. And Barack and Michelle, especially, like to take an occasional view into the bathrooms of good Americans just like you - so let's give them a chance and demand those cameras today!
Tell Congress to do the right thing RIGHT NOW! And don't forget to send $3.00 to Barack and Michelle as soon as you can - it costs a LOT to keep these emails going out to the People!
Where is that bronze pigeon? It should be where Lady Justice used to be outside Their Court Houses. I bet the legend on the plinth says, "Here I stand for the Accused."
Subject: SEA LEVEL FAIRNESS ACT
In the wake of Republican-caused Hurricane Sandy last year, it has become apparent to Michelle and Barack that there is a terrible inequality in the way height is distributed in this country. While undeserving fat cats live safely thousands of feet above sea level, the less fortunate are at sea level - or, in the case of Hurricane Katrina ravaged New Orleans, below, thanks to George Bush - and spend their lives in dread fear of the day a natural disaster created by climate change deniers and Big Oil will wipe them off the map and even worse, off the voter rolls.
We don't think this is fair and neither should you. That's why Barack is proposing the Sea Level Fairness Act; this legislation will require those living well above sea level to buy height credits on a government authorized Height Credit Exchange. The proceeds from these sales will be distributed to government-authorized contractors in order to dig FEMA-selected low-lying homes and business out of holes so they will be above sea level and finally be able to see level! Is that to much to ask? We didn't think so.
Tell Congress to approve the Sea Level Fairness Act NOW so we can knock those high-living fat cats off their perches and prop up needy, deserving, low-lying voters. And don't forget to send $3.00 to Barack and Michelle as soon as you can - it costs a LOT to dig America out of its holes!
And if she'd relentlessly badger supporters for $3 it could be used to fund BOTW, which was discontinued due to sequester cuts.
Is it possible to send a shovel whack via email? After all, people still need to be motivated.
PJ Media readers also left some good comments, so I'm posting some of them here:
CraigZ: My Three Dollar bill has been scanned and is ready to be emailed wherever needed! I Serve the Soviet Union!
Sara B: In addition to banning the kitchen, food prep and what not I suggest we all be assigned food tasters like dear leader has. Think of all the jobs it would create! Then of course there would be regulating agencies established to make sure the tasters don't gain too much weight, unions so the tasters only have a certain number of assignments a day...the bureaucracy will be endless. It's a progressive dream come true!
friedfish2718: What about shoe inequality? The female 1% may own dozens (if not hundreds) of shoes while the homeless women own just 1 pair. This injustice must stop!
Artghost: Agreed. And what is wrong with a country that doesn't give the people Nordstrom Stamps along with the SNAP allotment? It isn't fair that some people have to shop at Target while others shop at Nordstrom.
BristolU: Dear Friend
A recent Government study has shown that 100% of golfers want to play 18 holes with Tiger Woods. With a small contribution of $3...
Oh never mind.
Pgk: I think pregnancy equality is an issue we really all need to work together to raise awareness of. For thousands of years, only women have been allowed to become pregnant. With women now serving in active combat roles in the military, the time has come to allow men to become pregnant. I suggest we all work together to lobby Congress to pass legislation ending this injustice now.
Sparky Redux: The housing letter is all wrong. Building brand new compounds for former home-owners is far too expensive. Far better to just have them move in with the 1%. (And if the 1% don't like sharing and decide to move out, so much the better.)
That's how Lenin did it and, by gum, if it was good enough for Lenin's subjects, it should be good enough for us. As for that accusation that Lenin and his inner circle moved into the mansions of the Tsarist era millionaires and didn't share them, well, that's just a hateful observation and there's no place for hate in the brave new world we are building under the benevolent and loving Obamas.
Anyone at all?
That's what I thought!
"Thenk u berry mooch ev'rybuddy..."
Red SquareMillions of pigeons and other low-income birds suffer from obesity-related disorders because Americans keep them on an unhealthy breadcrumb diet.
Michelle Obama and I are doing our part ... what about you?
ummm, seems to be a common theme. And probably the same leftist tactic all Dictators start off with.
R.O.C.K. in the USSAAnd don't forget to send $3.00 to Barack and Michelle as soon as you can - it costs a LOT to keep these emails going out to the People!
The U.S. Treasury should commission a new denomination of currency to remind us to tithe our Dear Leader.
SUBJECT: Biblical Justice: Tell God you want new and better commandments now!
Dear Friend --
We're up against a whole lot more than just opposition in Congress.
We're up against an obstructionist entity that is willing to cling to every last outmoded law of society and nature to stop President Obama's agenda in its tracks.
The name of this entity is God, and you can be damned sure that he is not going to stop throwing wrenches in the works of progress unless you do as we say. Organizing for Action is going to shift the balance of power back to real people.
Today's most pressing issue that keeps all real people worried is, of course, same-sex marriage.
All it takes for us to be endowed by our Creator with the inalienable right to marry one or more persons of the same sex, is to demand via emails, Facebook, and Twitter that the Creator quit stalling and add same-sex marriage to his commandments.
This is going to be fun. If we do this right, the Creator won't know what hit 'im.
People like you have shown over and over again that no amount of brimstone can stop millions of Americans calling for change.
It's going to take each of us rolling up our sleeves and chipping in what we can when we can. Donate $5 or more right now to become a founding member of a new creation:
Organizing for Action
TO: Red Square, People's Director
Subject: SAY NO TO BRAIN INEQUALITY! Support Obama's efforts to redistribute brains.
Dear Brainless Supporter--
We know you don't have a brain because you signed up for our mailing list and have donated $3 every time we asked for it.
Did you know that in recent years the brain gap in America hasn't decreased, but has reached catastrophic proportions? While some people have amassed more brain power than they'll ever need, millions of others have never developed an ounce of gray matter and have to rely on the crumbs of small thoughts and ideas that the brainiacs throw at them whenever they feel like it.
It's a shame that in the richest country of the world some people go around flashing their fancy scientific calculators, while people like you must take off their socks every time they need to count to twenty.
This brain disparity can end soon, but we need your help.
The President has started a brain redistribution project called BRAIN Initiative, in order to map the human brain so we can have a better idea of how better to redistribute it from the haves to the have-nots.
Contact Congress via email, Facebook, and Twitter with your demand of equal brains for all. Tell them to support the President's BRAIN FAIRNESS agenda and bridge the brain gap by funding a comprehensive brain redistribution program that would make all excessive individual thinking a felony punishable by heavy fines and/or imprisonment.
To make this dream a reality, all we need to do is pay a little more in taxes. It's only fair to ask those individuals who think over their average quota to purchase brain credits, which will finance the President's initiative, with the remainder to be fairly distributed among the needy and the unthinking who currently rely on the government to do all the thinking for them.
Let's be realistic: true equality cannot exist without brain equality. Only when no one is too smart or too slow can we finally achieve the desired equality of outcomes. Have you ever given up on solving the Rubik's Cube and hated those who can did it in under a minute? Now imagine a conceptually different Cube - the People's Cube - with every side having the exact same color. Let's say that color is red. With all squares equal, all players become equal as well. This is what the President would like to achieve on a national scale as well.
Unfortunately, he was unable to accomplish it during his first term because of the obstructionist Republican Congress and the legacy of the previous administration. But with your support, we can send them a strong signal about where Americans stand on this issue.
The only way we can have more brains is if we get together and fight for brain fairness. This may be your last chance.
Support this effort by buying the People's Cube now - for a low price of 21.99 at the People's Dry Goods Store. Hurry while supplies last!
HOME COOKING: tell Congress to end the practice of unsupervised food preparation!
http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2011 ... lic-school
"At [this] public school, Little Village Academy on Chicago's West Side, students are not allowed to pack lunches from home. Unless they have a medical excuse, they must eat the food served in the cafeteria.
Principal Elsa Carmona said her intention is to protect students from their own unhealthful food choices.
"Nutrition wise, it is better for the children to eat at the school," Carmona said. "It's about the nutrition and the excellent quality food that they are able to serve (in the lunchroom). It's milk versus a Coke. But with allergies and any medical issue, of course, we would make an exception."
Carmona said she created the policy six years ago after watching students bring "bottles of soda and flaming hot chips" on field trips for their lunch. Although she would not name any other schools that employ such practices, she said it was fairly common.
A Chicago Public Schools spokeswoman said she could not say how many schools prohibit packed lunches and that decision is left to the judgment of the principals.
"While there is no formal policy, principals use common sense judgment based on their individual school environments," Monique Bond wrote in an email. "In this case, this principal is encouraging the healthier choices and attempting to make an impact that extends beyond the classroom." "
I really like your boot, Comrade. Really, I do.
I'd like to trump it with this:
Quote:friedfish2718:What about shoe inequality? The female 1% may own dozens (if not hundreds) of shoes while the homeless women own just 1 pair. This injustice must stop!Comrade Sqvare, please tell your friend friedfish2718 his/her statement above brought tears to my eye. It is my dream to own hundreds of shoes!
Only practical ones, of course.
I support your desire to have an array of wonderful shoes! It's only fair!
Taking note of your example, I'd like to illustrate the possible direction we could be going.
Are you sure you, an independent babe, want to go there?
http://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr= ... om&f=false