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Top 16 things that won't happen in 2016

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[img]/images/NewsPaper_Things_Will_Not_Happen_2016.png[/img]

In this New Year edition of No News Good News we are happy to inform our readers that the following things are not going to occur in the coming year:

Top 16 things that won't happen in 2016

  1. Iran nuke annihilates Israel; defiant James Taylor sings "You've got a friend" over smoking pile of ashes
  2. Chicago man claims to be world's worst liar; nobody believes him
  3. College students crumble from micro-aggression; counselors redouble self-esteem-building efforts
  4. Shocking study finds over-hyping 1,000% effective, changes everything forever!!
  5. Drunk driving may cure cancer; fatal accidents reduce cancer deaths 100%
  6. Congress ends hurtful stereotyping of blood types; everyone now A-B-O trans-positive-negative
  7. Indisputable evidence proves: when you're right, you're right; skeptics remain doubtful
  8. Sweeping reform on Wall Street; NYSE hires new cleaning service
  9. Self-driving cars end rush hour: "Welcome to cattle drive"
  10. Expanding university mystery solved; scientists discover fifth dimension of infinite student debt
  11. Rapid magnetic pole migration causes compass confusion; US exports dollar store goods to Asia
  12. Physicists detect billions of parallel universes; also a dozen perpendicular universes, and one at 45 degrees or so
  13. Comatose patients granted voting rights; major parties vie for brain-dead voters
  14. Public both doubts and embraces uncertainty principle
  15. The more things change the more they stay the same: irresistible force hits immovable object
  16. Hurricane downgraded from catastrophe to nuisance; holy-crap panic reduced to panties-in-a-bunch angst

Prepared with equal contributions from Comrade Will Beria.

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And here are some of the highlights continued inside the paper...

[img]/images/James_Taylor_Sings_Got_A_Friend_Israel.jpg[/img]

[img]/images/Sign_Blood_Types.jpg[/img]

[img]/images/Hillary_Logo_Force_Hits_Object.png[/img]

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Red Square wrote:And here are some of the highlights continued inside the paper...

Komrade Direktor, please have mercy upon me if I offend your Direktorial sensibilities. Wouldn't a smoking pile of radioactive ashes still be a dear friend, from before the explosion, just in jigsaw puzzle form? Furthermore, wouldn't the pile of ashes, if they were not generated from a human, still be a friend in the sense that we can scoop it up by the bucketfull and toss it on the Unwashed Masses ™?

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Now we can stop the segregation of blood types...

Truly now it can be called Trans-fusion

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Red Square wrote:Comatose patients granted voting rights; major parties vie for brain-dead voter

I believe the prediction that this won't happen is a little off, comrade. I've seen a lot of evidence that this is already happening.

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Commendations to Kapitan Kourt for his astute observation. "free stuff" has always been the best bait used to attract brain-dead voters.

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I didn't make it but it might as well be part of the No News Good News front page.

ISIS_Hunting_Permit.jpg

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Ivan the Stakhanovets vows to stop stalking Sam Elliott in 2016.
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This image is from The Big Lebowski... an awesome movie!
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A taste if you have not seen it (warning: harsh language)...
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https://youtu.be/GZR58d77a4A?list=FLiJz ... N1flmNxC0w


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That seems awfully close to plagiarism. Of course, this is further proof that The Current Truth™ as express by The People's Cube™ is at The Cutting Edge™ of American societal influence.


 
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