In this New Year edition of No News Good News we are happy to inform our readers that the following things are not going to occur in the coming year:
Top 16 things that won't happen in 2016
- Iran nuke annihilates Israel; defiant James Taylor sings "You've got a friend" over smoking pile of ashes
- Chicago man claims to be world's worst liar; nobody believes him
- College students crumble from micro-aggression; counselors redouble self-esteem-building efforts
- Shocking study finds over-hyping 1,000% effective, changes everything forever!!
- Drunk driving may cure cancer; fatal accidents reduce cancer deaths 100%
- Congress ends hurtful stereotyping of blood types; everyone now A-B-O trans-positive-negative
- Indisputable evidence proves: when you're right, you're right; skeptics remain doubtful
- Sweeping reform on Wall Street; NYSE hires new cleaning service
- Self-driving cars end rush hour: "Welcome to cattle drive"
- Expanding university mystery solved; scientists discover fifth dimension of infinite student debt
- Rapid magnetic pole migration causes compass confusion; US exports dollar store goods to Asia
- Physicists detect billions of parallel universes; also a dozen perpendicular universes, and one at 45 degrees or so
- Comatose patients granted voting rights; major parties vie for brain-dead voters
- Public both doubts and embraces uncertainty principle
- The more things change the more they stay the same: irresistible force hits immovable object
- Hurricane downgraded from catastrophe to nuisance; holy-crap panic reduced to panties-in-a-bunch angst
Prepared with equal contributions from Comrade Will Beria.
Red SquareAnd here are some of the highlights continued inside the paper...
Komrade Direktor, please have mercy upon me if I offend your Direktorial sensibilities. Wouldn't a smoking pile of radioactive ashes still be a dear friend, from before the explosion, just in jigsaw puzzle form? Furthermore, wouldn't the pile of ashes, if they were not generated from a human, still be a friend in the sense that we can scoop it up by the bucketfull and toss it on the Unwashed Masses ™?
Truly now it can be called Trans-fusion
Red SquareComatose patients granted voting rights; major parties vie for brain-dead voter
I believe the prediction that this won't happen is a little off, comrade. I've seen a lot of evidence that this is already happening.
Ivan the Stakhanovets vows to stop stalking Sam Elliott in 2016.
This image is from The Big Lebowski... an awesome movie!
A taste if you have not seen it (warning: harsh language)...