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US to Grant Citizenship to Population of South America

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Washington, DC - Ranking members of the House Subcommittee on Immigration are putting the final touches on a new bill to allow nearly the entire population of South America and parts of the Middle East to immigrate to the United States and become citizens.

Mr. Ron Shifty, a spokesperson for the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), provided details about the legislation which is expected to pass along party lines. "Ms. Pelosi delegated the task of writing the legislation to the brilliant freshman Representative, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY), who quickly determined that we will not be doing any more half-measures for our borders."

"As you can see from the pictures, there are many people that want to come to our country. Many of them are women, children, and non-aggressive-looking men fleeing corrupt and dangerous conditions in their native lands. They are poor, hungry, and just want to work in a country that provides generous economic assistance for people who don't work. But why only let in those few stragglers capable to make the long journey here? That would be unfair to those who are incapable. The plan is to bring all of them in and to urge them to vote."

The proposal consists of letting the entire population of the following countries enter the US and be granted full citizenship:

  • All 12 sovereign countries in South America (Argentina, Bolivia, Brazil, Chile, Colombia, Ecuador, Guyana, Paraguay, Peru, Suriname, Uruguay, and Venezuela)
  • Syria
  • Iraq
  • Afghanistan
  • Bangladesh
  • Pakistan

The announcement was followed by questions and answers. The attendees were warned that it would be racist to ask any questions about the plan's cost, logistics, or its impact on current US citizens or institutions.

Mr. Shifty assured the nation that the committee had thought everything through, with the same thoroughness they give to all legislation. "We don't foresee any major issues with the plan as written," he said. "Just boatloads of happy people."

When asked whether transportation would be provided for the approximately 850 million people that might move to the US under the new policies, he shrugged saying, "we'd probably throw that in, too."

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Unless there is a clear distinction between freshwater and saltwater undocumented Democratic Voters immigrants, Central Americans deserve the same liberties entitlements as Middle Easterners.

I denounce the exclusionary and marginalizing policies overlooking the immigration from Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala to the promised land of next Tuesday in Kalifornia...

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And what of all the peoples of Africa? Why are they excluded? Sudan, Somalia, Nigeria, South Africa (except toxic whites), and so on.... Perhaps the bill requires more input from Reps. Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib.

Or then again, perhaps the bill does already include the peoples of Africa. Perhaps, indeed, we must pass the bill in order to see what is in it. Yes?

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Ivan and Chainmail Kitty, we'll just have to pass it to see who's in it.

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Panem et Circenses wrote:The proposal consists of letting the entire population of the following countries enter the US and be granted full citizenship:

....
Pakistan

I thought the entire population of Pakistan was already in either the U.K. or here doing "Hospitality Management." Just goes to show, eh?

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Mikhail Lysynkomann wrote:Ivan and Chainmail Kitty, we'll just have to pass it to see who's in it.

That's what the cat said after consuming Captain Craptek.

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P.P. Gogol wrote:
Mikhail Lysynkomann wrote:Ivan and Chainmail Kitty, we'll just have to pass it to see who's in it.

That's what the cat said after consuming Captain Craptek.

Comrade Pee Pee,

Cubists play while the squirrel's away. (But watching and taking notes!)


CC "the vigilant"


 
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