• AARP-sponsored cheerleaders
  
• playing field vibrates and scores are determined when someone randomly skitters across the goal line with the ball. All done to to ACDC's “You Shook Me All Night Long”
  
• quinoa replaces meat products sold at concession stands
  
• games are canceled when actual snowflakes fall on the field
  
• each fan family is required to take home a multimillionaire player to continue the lectures re how unfair it is to live in the USA
  
• the 2-minute warning is replaced with the 2-minute nation admonishment
  
• lousy domestic swill beer is sold at $8 per warm plastic cup (oh sorry, already got that one)
  
• pre-chewed pretzels
  
• rubbery chicken tenders will actually be made of rubber
  
• three drink minimum
  
• the “Hail Mary” will be replaced with the “Allahu Akbar”
  
• “Wear Your Own Uniform” day. All black along with masks encouraged
  
• ISIS-sponsored giveaways include headless bobbleheads
  
• Festivus will be recognized as an official NFL holiday. Player introductions will include the airing of a grievance.
  
• concession stands all closed during political protests
  
• concession food containers will be limited to environmentally friendly banana leaves

What's next to screw up the NFL experience?

Genosse Dummkopf wrote:At halftime, duo Shaun King & Rachel Dolezal performs the quartet of Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake. Clad in black, of course.

The oxymoron "quartet-by-duo" meant as a subtle innuendo to the equally oxymoronic "light-skinned-yet-black".

Adding oxymoronness, the perf is named "Swansong", oxymoronically alluding to FNL's (verbatim) Glorious Future.

Kommissar Uberdave wrote:... The rap quartet-by-duo of Talcum-X and Ain't Jemima?