The Obamafields vs. the McClintons
A boy and his dad are working in the fields, harvesting beets for the common good...
Boy: Tell me a story, Pa.
Dad: Son, I'm gonna tell ya about the greatest feud in American history.
Boy: The Hatfields and the McCoys?
Dad: No, son, worse that that... the Obamafields and the McClintons
Boy: How did it start, Pa?
Dad: Well, it was back in '08, I believe. The McClintons claimed that Barrick Obamafield stole something from Hillary McClinton, the matriarch of the clan.
Boy: What did he steal, Pa?
Dad: Her presidency.
Boy: What's a presidency?
Dad: Well, back then, leaders weren't chosen the modern way, by the smart people - only a few enlightened countries like North Korea and Cuba did it that way then. No, back then, regular people chose the leaders.
Boy: People like us, Pa?
Dad: Yeah, stupid bitter clingers like us. Anyways, Barrick and ole Lady Hillary both had the same number of townspeople on their side, see. The race was tied. So they decided to settle the race with a poker game in South Carolina.
Boy: An' Barrick won?
Dad: Yeah, but Willie Jo McClinton, Hillary's co-leader, said Barrick cheated. Said he played the race card when no one was lookin'.
Boy: What's a race card?
Dad: It's like a joker, only higher. It's the high card in all the high-society card games. Anyways, Barrick won the game but Willie Jo was pissed. He wanted to get revenge on Barrick by making him get coffee for the McClintons. But Hillary shushed him right up. She said "We're McClintons, Willie Jo! We don't get mad, we get even!"
Boy: Did the McClintons get even, Pa?
Dad: Not right away. See, Barrick thought he was smart, figured he could make peace with the McClintons by givin' Hillary a cushy job on his ranch... good hours, high pay, no shovellin' sh*t like everbody else had to do. Barrick figured keeping Hillary close by, he could keep his eye on her so she wouldn't be able to hatch a plan to steal back the presidency without him knowin' about it. Hillary accepted the job, and ole Barrick thought between havin' her indebted to him for the job and his havin' the race card, he had Hillary cornered like a Republican candidate in Chicago and he wouldn't have to worry about her.
Boy: Sounds like Hillary was in deep doo-doo, dad!
Dad: That's what ole Barrick thought, too! But then, things started turning white for ole Barrick. His ranch started to fail, had to la off a lot of ranchhands and his unicorn breedin' business went bust. He said it was because the guy who owned the ranch 'fore him, fella named Bush, left a lot of broken down houses and burst bubbles on the property.
Boy: Did Bush mess up Barrick's land, dad?
Dad: No, son, Barrick Obamafield was just a lousy rancher, and a liar and a cry-baby to boot. Don't grow up to be like him. Anyway, folks started to think "why are we lettin' this Obamafield joker hold the presidency when he can't even run a ranch the right way?" And a bunch of them started talkin' about goin' over to Barrick's house and takin' the presidency away from him. Barrick got good n' scared, and told Hillary McClinton to have Willie Jo go out and talk to the folks, calm 'em down and such.
Boy: Did Willie Jo help Barrick, dad?
Dad: Well, he said he was gonna. But when he went into town, he told people somethin' different - he said Hillary would do a better job holdin' on to the presidency than Barrick, and that Bush was right to cut down all the tax trees despite what Barrick Obamafield said, and that it was OK to borrow money from Bain Capital...
Boy: What's Bain Capital dad?
Dad: Someplace that lends money to ranchers. Anyway, lotsa folks believed Willie Jo but some said he was just gettin' even with Barrick Obamafield for what happened in '08. But Barrick, he was mad, he was madder than the hound dog in his stew pot. He was madder than his composite rubber girlfriend in a tanning booth. He was madder than Michelle Obamafield at the county fair after hearin' that all the french fries were gone...
Boy: I get it, dad, he was mad. Go on with the story.
Dad: Right, anyway, Barrick didn't take kindly to what Willie Jo said. He sent one of his ranch hands to kill one of the McClinton gang, a fella named Corey Booker.
Boy: They actually killed Corey Booker dad?
Dad: Well, they announced to the town that "Corey Booker is dead to us" but you can't take an Obamafield at his word, they lie all the time.
Boy: So what happened then, dad?
Dad: The McClintons fought back and sent one of their hired guns,Lanny Davis, to call Barrick Obamafield "vicious" right in front of all the townspeople. An he sent another hired gun, Ed Rendell, to say Barrick Obamafield was a yellow-belly for starting a gunfight with a bunch of outlaws from Wisconsin and then not even showin' up. An' the townsfolk started gettin' even more upset with Barrick and started talkin' about chasin' Barrick's clan off the Obamafield ranch and givin' it to the town barber, Mitt Romney.
Boy: Wow, what happened next, dad?
Dad: Well, Barrick Obamafield got all crazy - folks say he was a few cowpies short of a manure pile to begin with - he hatched this plan to get even with the McClintons and make sure no one else would be able to get at the presidency (pauses to take a swig out of a bottle of beet vodka)...
Boy: You alright dad?
Dad: I get kinda choked up talkin' about it son...(sob!)... If it weren't for that crazy Barrick Obamafield and his psycho henchmen printin' up gazillions of dollars in phoney money to buy up every ranch in the country, America wouldn't have gone broke and we wouldn't be one of the fifty-seven states of North Korea today. Oh, sh*t, Kim Jung Un is givin' another speech over the loudspeaker... stand at attention, son....
I see the movie version set to the soundtrack of "O Brother, Where Art Thou?"
How about a composite character "Hillbillary"?
OBAMA: "I would like to show them a letter of support that was sent to me by a nice small-town family of hillbillies. It consisted of only a few lines scribbled over a black and white photograph - a large redneck family in front of a shabby old cracker house. The house needed some serious renovation and was probably in danger of foreclosure. The haggard faces of adults expressed bitterness and determination to fight for whatever little piece of entitlement the government can give them. The children's eyes revealed the sadness of a child who had been robbed of the true love and compassion of a caring social worker. They were the typical small-town Americans in need of guidance and support of big centralized government - exactly how I had always imagined them."
The note on the photo said,
Y'all cum n'save us, Bawrock Whosane Obomber! We done fell through the Clinton gubbermint net, and the Bush gubbermint net too, so's we is a gettin' bitter as bitteroot, we cling to silly ol' guns, that ol' time religion, and we been shootin' folks that ain't like us, as a way to 'splain the lack of gubbermint supervision over our po' simple redneck lives.
Jus' don't give nuthin' fer free to those gawddam McCoys.
The Hatfield Clan