Image

You're (Probably) a Federal Criminal

User avatar
Comrades,

How many crimes against The People have you committed today? Oh, I don't mean the common every day crimes such as murder, rape, and robbery. I mean the more insidious and often undetected crimes like mailing a package without the proper government approved label. Believe it or not, that's exactly what inventor Krister Evertson of Wasilla, Alaska did one day.

crazy-chemist.jpg
The so called “inventor” had been working on clean energy devices since his high school days. Unauthorized tinkering with energy efficient fuel cells required cash, and Krister decided to fund his own work rather than applying - as he should have - for an appropriate National Science Foundation grant. He stupidly placed small amounts of sodium (a material used in his work) up for sale on eBay and shipped it to a buyer without a proper label.



Boney fingers 2.png
Although the amount of sodium shipped was well below the legal limit, Krister had failed to apply the approved package label and the package was seized by federal authorities. The hapless inventor was run off the road near his mother's home by a large black SUV full of SWAT agents with automatic weapons who promptly dragged him from his vehicle. Later, Krister's terrified mother watched in horror as the agents, dressed in black SWAT gear and sporting masks and hoods, ransacked her home in search of evidence.


It gets better. Although Mr. Evertson was eventually acquitted by a jury, two years later he was arrested again for abandoning his remaining sodium (which an expert witness declared had been properly stored) during the time he was awaiting trial for his first arrest!

Federal Prison.jpg
The pitiful Mr. Evertson served nearly 2 years in federal prison. After his release he was required to spend additional time in a halfway house for his crimes. According to FOX NEWS; “Unfortunately for Krister, federal lawmakers had included in the Resource Recovery and Conservation Act a provision making it a crime to abandon "hazardous waste." According to the trial judge, the law didn't require prosecutors to prove that Krister had intended to abandon the materials (he hadn't) or that they were waste at all -- in reality, they were quite valuable and properly stored away for future use.”

The moral of this story: Abandon your criminal ways, comrades, or you too will face the wrath of The People.

User avatar
[color=#C0392B]Captain Craptek[/color] cautiously wrote:The moral of this story: Abandon your criminal ways, comrades, or you too will face the wrath of The People.

Why's this guy so pissed at you, Crappy?

elijah-is-pissed.jpg

Need a place to hide out?

me-in-a-tree.jpg

User avatar
...and there was all kinds of mean nasty ugly looking people on the bench there. Mother rapers. Father stabbers. Father rapers! Father rapers sitting right there on the bench next to me! And they was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible crime-type guys sitting on the bench next to me. And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, the meanest father raper of them all, was coming over to me and he was mean 'n' ugly 'n' nasty 'n' horrible and all kind of things and he sat down next to me and said, "Kid, whad'ya get?" I said, "I didn't get nothing, I had to pay $50 and pick up the garbage." He said, "What were you arrested for, kid?" And I said, "Littering." And they all moved away from me on the bench there, and the hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean nasty things, till I said, "And creating a nuisance." And they all came back, shook my hand, and we had a great time on the bench, talkin about crime, mother stabbing, father raping, all kinds of groovy things that we was talking about on the bench. And everything was fine, we was smoking cigarettes and all kinds of things...

User avatar
Comrade Craptek,

I failed to come to a complete stop at a 4 way stop today. Just glad to be home.



FORWARD

[attachment=0]skittles_walrus2314 copy.jpg[/attachment]

User avatar
The law is in black and not-black. Ignorance is no excuse, and at this point, what difference does "intent" make? Sometimes the laws just need to be passed so we can find out how we have violated them. FORWARD!

Ignorance.jpg

User avatar
UNAPPROVED GOVERNMENT LABELING IS NOT TO BE TAKEN UNSERIOULSY!! That is more sever criminal act than not having appropriate stamp numeration! Not to even metion Evertson should have received execution for executing such a treason act as speaking to Faux News. (spit spit)

User avatar
And "Rumor Has It" that an inspection of this little Thought-Criminal's cell Contemplative Cloistered Retreat discovered on numerous occasions that the toilet paper end wound from the bottom of the roll instead of the Approved Over-The-Top configuration. Evidently this Rebellious Counter-Revolutionary was granted too much Free Time in his prison Re-Education Center Restful Retreat, and spent it inventing Further Outrages Against The People™!

User avatar
Comrade Putout wrote:
[color=#C0392B]Captain Craptek[/color] cautiously wrote:The moral of this story: Abandon your criminal ways, comrades, or you too will face the wrath of The People.

Why's this guy so pissed at you, Crappy?

Need a place to hide out?
Maybe...I do miss those blissful early days of our relationship.

Putout and baby.jpg

User avatar
[color=#C0392B]Captain Craptek[/color] foolishly wrote:ma...ma
You need to put down that bong, son!

craptek-n-bong.jpg

User avatar
An extra ration of beet shavings to Comrade Red Square for his clever and most appropriate use of "Alice's Restaurant"

Such postings will put Pamalinski into a musical-notstagical (alchoholic?) haze for the weekend...

Nice one Red!

User avatar
[color=#C0392B]Captain Craptek[/color] succinctly wrote:Comrades, how many crimes against The People have you committed today?
It appears that R.O.C.K. is violating at least half a dozen federal firearm laws as well as the various and sundry crime against humanity!

ROCK-guns.jpg

User avatar
MaDeuce.jpg
Comrade Putout, I'm afraid that you've once again mistaken a family member for me - that's my cousin Jock Sparrow.

As you can see in the actual R.O.C.K. photo above, our tastes in weaponry diverge greatly.

He always was a small thinker.

Oh, btw - I'd get that photo of you back from him as soon as possible - you never know where he's liable to put it.

User avatar
R.O.C.K. - why are you always trying to Photoshop me out of your life?

Let me remind you of these facts/give you some advice:

1 - Stop slouching - you're a pirate for Lenin's sake stand like one!

2 - If you recall I talked you off of The Black Pearl for a vacation in Kenya. We stopped for a little 'refreshment' and I played for you the epic guitar solo from Rebecca Black's rock classic Friday. Have you bothered to learn this riff yourself? I thought not!!

3 - Thanks for killing those guys who tried to run us off of their property... what a-holes!!!

ROCK-jeep-me.jpg

User avatar
Comrade May, it's true, we do make beautiful music together! Although I do believe that your G string is just a little sharp.

I might also suggest that it's not really necessary to smash your guitar after every song - you'd save a lot of pink automotive paint not having to constantly be adding to your "notches" on the jeep.

That being said, though, I must admit that I haven't yet worked on Rebecca's riff, having been devoting most of my time lately to adopting Bach's collection of cantatas to a Caribbean beat, with a lightly nuanced Hendrix flair. Perhaps next week?

You always do look delightful with a guitar on your lap!


 
POST REPLY