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Why Can't the Right be More Like the Left?

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With much thanks to Commisarka Pinkie for the idea and Lerner and Loewe for the framework.

At this juncture in political history it seems a song that needed singing... after all, I was once Alfred P. Doolittle "her favver what luvs er!"
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(scene: drawing room in the White House. BO, Obiden and others lounge about the furniture after a hot session of trio sonatas)

vamp music: pianissimo; percussion and strings

BO

What by Saul Alensky could've prompted them to go,
After such a triumph at the polls?
What could've depressed them;
What could've possessed them?
I cannot understand their wretched goals.

The RIGHT are far too rational, that's all there is to that!
There heads are full of pullulating thoughts!
They're nothing but emulsifying, perorating,
rambulating, agitating, emancipating,
Maddening and infuriating twats!

[To Obiden]
Dickering, why can't the RIGHT be more like the LEFT?

Obiden
Hmm?

BO
Yes...
Why can't the RIGHT be more like the LEFT?

The LEFT is so honest, so thoroughly square;
Eternally noble, historic'ly fair;
Who, when you win, will always stab you in the pate.
Well, why can't the RIGHT Obamanate?

Why doesn't every one do what the others do?
Can't the RIGHT learn to amputate their head?
Why do they do every thing their fathers do?
Why don't they grow up- well, like their professors instead?

Why can't the RIGHT take after the LEFT?
The LEFT is so pleasant, so easy to please;
Just give them Bill Clinton, and they're down on their knees!

Would you be sickened if I blogged nonstop for hours?
Obiden
Of course not!
BO
Would you be livid if I had a toke or two?
Obiden
Nonsense.
BO
Would you be wounded if I worshiped trees and flowers?
Obiden
Never.
BO
Well, why can't the RIGHT be like you?

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One leftie with a million may shout a bit.
Or slaughter unborn babies with defects;
One, perhaps, whose truthfulness you doubt a bit.
But by and large we have such marvelous sex!

Why can't the RIGHT take after the LEFT?
Cause the LEFT is so friendly, good natured and kind.
A better big brother you'll never find.

If I were sipping cappuccino loudly, would you bellow?
Obiden
Of course not!
BO
If I forgot September lebben, would you fuss?
Obiden
Nonsense.
BO
Would you complain if I took out another fellow?
Obiden
Never.
BO
Well, why can't the RIGHT be like us?

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[To Arlen Specter]
Specter, you were with them, you lived with them, and ate their bread...

Why can't the RIGHT be more like the LEFT?
The LEFT are so decent, in bootheels and chaps.
Ready to help you through any mishaps.
Ready to buck you up whenever you are glum.
Why can't the RIGHT be more like chum?

Why is thinking something RIGHTIES always do?
Why is assinine rebuttal never tried?
They specialize in changing states to red from blue.
Why don't they swill their evening drink with pesticide?

Why can't the RIGHT behave like the LEFT?
If I was a RIGHTIE who'd been out to ball,
Been nailed like a princess by one and by all;
Would I start weeping like a satchel bomb exploding?
And carry on as if my home weren't in a tree?
Would I run off and never tell me where I'm going?
Why can't the RIGHT be like me?

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Brilliant, Abecedarius Rex! Brilliant!

And, as promised--because I always keep my promises, just as I always make good on my threats (ask anyone here)--I hereby proclaim you the recipient of Pinkie's prestigious Beet of the Week Award!

Image More coveted than the Grammys, the AMA, and MTV awards combined, this rarely-bestowed honor comes with a non-transferable discount coupon at Pup's Party Pleasure Palace (subject to blackout dates, see fine print on back of coupon) and for your mother, this beautiful bumpersticker:
Image Additionally, you are automatically shanghaied inducted as a participant in our new program "Beet of the Week Winners Give Back."

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I am honored and humbled and will gladly put the bumper sticker on my own, er, my mother's state-approved automobile bumper immediately.
thank you
thank you
thank you
- world peace -

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Comrade ABCDRex,

Fine work! I think I am obliged to sign with:

"Yo, peace! (raise V-symbol) Out."


 
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