Did you ever ask yourself is your economy big enough? Do you feel insecure about the pork in your portfolio? Do you want to stop your Dow Jones from shrinking at the most embarrassing moments? It is finally possible with the only economy enlargement product that works. You can become a lean, mean and fierce economy-stimulating machine in just days! Satisfy your community's dream of having a representative with a massive Stimulus Package. Enhance, enlarge and upsize the economy today! Stop settling for second best, get your huge bailout here!
~
Barney Frank: Voters always laughed at the size of my reputation, but then I discovered Stimulus Package I quickly gained a reputation that makes the voters scream. It grew 50% in just one week and I am a changed man...
Charles Schumer: The voters go wild and crazy once they see the size of my Stimulus Package. I love how they say I got pork. I love multiple media orgasms. Forget about fake enthusiasm - the Stimulus Package will keep it strong, firm, and long-lasting.
Chris Dodd: You will be absolutely amazed when you see your economy gradually becoming LARGER and LARGER, right before your eyes! NOTHING compares to the feeling of having a larger economy. I don't know where my career would've been without the Stimulus Package!
Joe Biden: Like many other politicians, I was not happy with the flexible, unpredictable economy and my voters shared my view. I always wanted it to be bigger and more controllable. I spent many years and taxpayer dollars looking for a safe and effective method till I finally found something that worked!
Nancy Pelosi: The size of your Stimulus Package is everything when it comes to impressing the voters. The best way to keep them happy is with a huge bailout. It's also a way to longer lasting, more satisfying elections.
Union guy: I am not an economist, I am just a Union boss who was unhappy with the size of my benefit package. The Economy Enlargement Stimulus changed that. I am now the talk of the town, keeping my members amazed by the bulge in my pocket that grows larger and larger. I am finally able to give every working girl in the neighborhood a pearl necklace they always talk about.
Recent discoveries in social science have shown that, like everything else that the government touches, the economy can also grow beyond its current size and last long in a fossilized state when fully stimulated. Forget the old, flexible, trickle-down economy of the past! The new Economy Enlargement Stimulus Package will penetrate your community from the bottom up, distributing satisfaction equally for everybody.
Unlike tax cuts, Stimulus Package delivers results that are permanent. This is why nine out of ten TV economists call this life-changing product a breakthrough in the history of economic enlargement. Economic growth, as we know it, will never be the same.
FACT: In a recent survey by the New York Times, 67% of all voters admitted that they are unhappy with the size of the economy. Voters view politicians with a larger economic package as being more electable and capable to deliver pork to their districts. An overall larger economic package also means a larger distribution area, which stimulates more taxpayers, resulting in a more pleasurable experience for both you and your community.
A PERSONAL JOURNEY TO A LARGER ECONOMY
Hi, my name is Harry and I work for a non-profit organization in Washington, DC. I had a lean market economy and I badly wanted to make it bigger and more manageable... Being cheap, I tried tax hikes and government regulations first. After years of no results I realized that the problem was with the markets, which are suited more for businesses than politicians. Centrally planned economy I had heard was really cool, but it wasn't for everybody.
I was about to give up when I came across Economy Enlargement Stimulus Package. I did not notice much of a change for the first two weeks and felt let down, but in the third week my economy already looked bigger. After about six weeks it had grown about 30%! Me and my fellow senators couldn't believe it. My power to control elections seemed to increase as well. It was a miracle!
Submit your own Economy Enlargement success stories below. ____________________________________
WARNING: Economy Enlargement Stimulus Package works through the process of economic fossilization. Bi-stimulus package may be required in certain areas of New York and San Francisco. If the economy stays fossilized for more than four years, contact a Republican representative in your area.
I didn't really believe the ads when I first saw them, but I decided, "what the heck? I've always had a small economy and often wished I had a bigger one." So I swallowed my pride and pulled the lever. WOW! In just a few short weeks I felt like my economy had swelled tremendously. Suddenly my economy was just as big as all the other guys...at least I think that's what happened. I'm still a fry cook at Mickey D's and make just enough money to pay for my cell phone, IPod downloads, lottery tickets and "smokes,"--you know, the essentials--but suddenly it seemed like I had just as much money as those stupid guys who didn't drop out of school. As long as the market keeps tanking, I'm livin' large!
The idea of "artificial enhancement" for my economy is so embarrasing! For years, all I needed was a "spread sheet" or "bull market" to "get it up", so to speak. Shouldn't I just continue to look at my wife's checkbook balance to get stimulated? If I concentrate on her "balance" long enough, I generally can "rally" my economy on my own. However, I am afraid she might go "feudal" on my economy, so all my options are on the table. If my economy is "stimulated" for more than four hours, should I seek medical attention, like the T.V. ad suggests? Additionally, I am fearfull that my friend's will find out my economy needs help, do you ship in a plain brown wrapper?
Wait. Isn't a large economy means a lot of money? I thought money was wrong. Very wrong. Unless it's in the hands of the Working Class™ or the Comissars.
I remember Joe Biden talking about this product and he stated that even if you follow the directions correctly, there's still a 30% chance it might not work for you.
Well, I started reading this article and then, to my embarrassment, I just abruptly finished. Quickly and shamefully.
I waited about 20 minutes and started again. Same result.
Are there pills for this problem???
It's so large not even Barnwee Fwank can get his mouth around it, but he will still enthusiastically accept a oozing load of warm pork to the face with a smile!!!!
Comrades is it safe to assume that Vince of Sham Wow fame or Billy Mays will be selling this marvel of modern Socialism on TV? Will grinning "Bob" be "Enzyting" the masses to expand their role in this revolution?
Does the Hope'N'Change Operating System come with an "enlarge" button on each window?
Hope'N'Change OS no, but TurboShare does. The "enlarge" button is strategically located next to each text area showing amounts to be taxed. There is no "reduce" button.
The first time I saw the new Stimulus Package, I must confess I couldn't help feeling just a little intimidated by its immense size. I worried about the pain I might suffer from something that huge--why, it's so big I can't even put both hands around it! What if it ended up crippling me for life, leaving me to live the rest of my years limping about in excruciating agony?
That's what the Republicans told me. "Abstain from it, Pinkie!" they all said. "Why, just touching it will give you a disease, and make your face break out in a rash of little red blotches shaped like hammers and sickles, so everyone will know of your sinful thoughts and shameful behavior!"** They proclaimed it filthy and evil, warning me that accepting it would lead to a life of ruin and poverty and heartbreak. But isn't that exactly what I've endured for the past eight years?
Then I watched Obama's speech last Tuesday night, and just as I hoped, he allayed all my fears, telling me to relax, exhorting me to accept its entirety as was my patriotic duty, that while it might hurt at first, any pain would be sharp and swift, but would quickly dissipate and ultimately the whole thing would prove to be very gratifying and rewarding, especially with the compensating joys of things like universal health care.
So now I'll just lie back bend over, close my eyes, and think of Barack and Michelle snuggled together in their bed at the White House. Of his mother-in-law snoring just down the hall. Of the girls' new puppy. Of my mortgage and gas all paid for. Yes, I can . . . yes, I can . . . yes, I can accept it, every bit of it, oh yes . . . I . . . can!
**And it turns out that "Socialism" is what the Republicans consider so sinful and shameful! Honestly! How can they say that about something so beautiful and special, that we can all share with literally everyone in the world?
Pinkie! You just made me regret I'm not a woman and will never be able to have the Obama-related gratifying and rewarding experience you described.
I know, I know, I can't have cake and eat it too... Uhm, how can I rephrase that?
(the humble kiko sighs)
Red, Red, Red Red... You can INDEED have the Obama-related gratifying experience that Pinkie so eloquenty described... Infact this is how The Party™ intended it to be taken, like a MAN...a very PC man... SOooo drop those drawers, bend over and take it like a Party man... Dont worry, the pork fat makes a fine lube, I was told...
As for cake, if you have some you must redistribute it at once! Do not worry, someone elses cake will be sent to you when you need it...and that stuff growing on the top...yes it is supposed to be greenish-black and it is part of the new heathcare pacage.
Can oversize stimulus package cause serious problems for circulation requiring all cash flows in said condition be stopped until condition can be rectified and circulation allowed to continue? Do we need Doctor Phil? If the problem persist can we call on the Good doctor to take action? Perhaps a get together in his studio of the various patent holders of this stimulus package and have them do a group hug? Then discover cure for package and condition. (Double Entendre's all over the place there)
With the use of stimulus package I have noticed an increase of unworkers in my work camp. Also, I have noticed a decrease in unecessary production. No longer are we producing unnecessary revenue! Soon all the unmoney amassed will go strait to the collective to be redistributed to the masses! Wow! with the help of the "ONE" and his HUGE STIMULUS PACKAGE, (redistributed with the help of BIG government of corse) my economy will be so huge that no one will be able to "handle" it!
Thanks be to BIG BROTHER Barry!
WAR (with republiKKKans) IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
WOW! Now with the Obama WealthSpreadtm, the Obama Snake Oil Ointmenttm, and the new Obama Stimulus Packagetm my weekend should be set! Thanks, Mr. President. Gosh I'm glad I voted!
WOW! Now with the Obama WealthSpreadtm, the Obama Snake Oil Ointmenttm, and the new Obama Stimulus Packagetm my weekend should be set! Thanks, Mr. President. Gosh I'm glad I voted!
Being good party member, how many times did you vote?
WOW! Now with the Obama WealthSpreadtm, the Obama Snake Oil Ointmenttm, and the new Obama Stimulus Packagetm my weekend should be set! Thanks, Mr. President. Gosh I'm glad I voted!
Being good party member, how many times did you vote?
Well the first vote was for real, but the five or six votes afterwards were all just a lot of moaning and thrashing around.
Some side effects may occur: After taking Stimulus Package, MSNBC's Chris Matthews reported the tingling feeling in his legs got only worse whenever Obama spoke.
I have to say this stimulus product has really me excited. It reminds me of the good old days under Clinton. Snoogie was just with Bimbo number two back then, with this renewed stimulus product, I think I can compete with Bill's and get to number 5!
I don't care what kind of toast or biscuit you put it on, but that Kentucky Jelly just tastes awful.
Comrade Ivan,
of course it tastes awful with the bourgeois food products you are using (I will need to report you - how did you acquire them?)
It is best consumed with beets and potatoes, and because of KY's lubricating function, they can be absorbed through either end now(with help from Stimulus Package, in some cases,) cutting mealtimes in half and thus increasing production for the Common Good!
I don't care what kind of toast or biscuit you put it on, but that Kentucky Jelly just tastes awful.
Comrade Ivan,
of course it tastes awful with the bourgeois food products you are using (I will need to report you - how did you acquire them?)
It is best consumed with beets and potatoes, and because of KY's lubricating function, they can be absorbed through either end now(with help from Stimulus Package, in some cases,) cutting mealtimes in half and thus increasing production for the Common Good!
Just use the Obama salute and apply it to your airline snack
Now we know why the salute required both hands. The Stimulus Package is larger than the skeptics and the cynics could ever imagine!
Also, see this People's Cube thread for more details (scroll down to this picture and keep reading from there).
In other words, those making the Obama sign are thereby saying, "I am the initiated one, I have seen the glory of Obama's New Stimulus Package and submit myself to its power."
Red Square wrote
Commissarka Pinkie wrote
Commissar Maksim wrote
A close-up of the Beri Ubomo statue reveals a missing Stimulus Package, yet his nuts are intact. Jesse Jackson could not be reached for comment.
Maksim, Maksim! Haven't you heard of The Emperor's New Clothes? He also has a new Stimulus Package. I can see it quite clearly (as can all true Hussies), and what a magnificent instrument of audacity it is!
That is preposterous! What else can one see in this picture if not a huge, magnificent instrument of audacity that is the Obama's New Stimulus Package? If you can't see it you must be a right-wing, ultra-conservative, knuckle-dragging, religious "Bush is demigod" 19 per center.
Well, can you see it now? You must agree it's not only huge and magnificent - it also reveals an enormous experience working for the Greater Good™ in such important areas as raising awareness, expanding the outreach, lifting the poor, and driving the progressive vote.
If that's what sent a tingle up Chris Matthews' leg I don't blame him. One doesn't need to be a woman to experience an Obamagasm.
Comrades..
I must confess that for years I muttered the slogans of our glorious socialist state but at the same time I was working hard and getting educated. Soon ..,,I gained some minor success and was living pretty well. Now, Comrade obama has shown me the error of my ways. Because of his leadership, I now know that it would have been alright to drop out of school and set home and watch oprah all day.
Our great socialist state has demonstrated that they will give me all I want and need without working for it. I feel so relieved. All I had to do all along was to give the state (and now...Dear leader Obama) my utter loyalty and my notes would have been paid.
How silly I feel. The stimulous package is the saviour of all.
Also, I could no longer tolerate this picture not being part of our caption competition. So I just posted it there.
Comrade Red! Get your mind out of the gutter. This is obviously a great (indirect) depiction of the Great Leader's boldness of the audacity of hope! Since the Great-but-not-as-great-as-Our Leader of the German Demokratik Republik naturally has no Stimulus Package, she wants to hang on to as much of Our Leader's Stimulus Package, as she can!
There is obviously still rebellion in the Capitalist/Fascist Occupied Territories of the German Demoktratik Republik, as Halos and Angel Wings are incompatible with Obamessianic Spirituality.
(Now I must confiscate this religious pornography lest you foul the minds of the proletariate.)
THE RIGHT STUFF
Rush challenges Obama to 1-on-1 debate!
"If you take me out," Limbaugh said addressing Obama directly, "if you can wipe me out in a debate and prove to the rest of America that what I say is senseless and wrong, do you realize you will own the United States of America. You will have no opposition."
Does this hat have the tinfoil lining that is tuned to orbital transmissions from Laika the Space Dog, with the bonus feature of receiving "Music from the 80s" programs on Friday nights?
You know what makes me angry, Comrades? They don't make condoms small enough for Progressive men. I mean... A standard sized condom is just a waste of latex for us. Think of how many baby seals DIED due to all the waste, pollution and carbon that was produced in making that condom.
Ugh... Until they make smaller condoms I am afraid I cannot use this awesome new stimulus package.
Protect your stimulus package with government-issue condoms! We Help the Little Guy™!
(Micromanaging the economy since 2006)
Why does the product come in a pack of 3? why not 4? isn't that insulting to the average dynamic feller whose nightly excess may go beyond 3? it's also insulting to the less than average feller by setting a, um, bar they can't reach. I think this part of the government package needs some streamlining.
But remember, Chairman, the dangers described in the old Soviet joke about the similarities between the vagina and the KGB! As we are getting closer towards the Soviet model, these jokes become more and more translatable, don't they?
(if you don't know the joke, highlight the censored lines)
- How is the vagina similar to the KGB?
- One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
Speaking of which, it seems that Attorney General Eric Holder's comment about the "nation of cowards" was not an accusation, but rather a self-congratulatory statement along the lines of "mission accomplished."
Navigator - I'd be careful with the word "tease" on this thread if I were you. Speaking of which, did you hear what Obama recently said about the economy?
Quote
"What I am looking for is not the day-to-day gyrations... It bobs up and down every day... if you spend your time worrying about that, you're probably going to get the long-term strategy wrong.''
I wish Obama would leave alone those things that bob up and down, at least for a while. I wish he would take his mind out of the gutter and focus more on the country. I also wish he'd stop posing for provocative homoerotic pictures. The world community already loves him the way he is.
Quote
March 3, 2009. British Prime Minister Gordon Brown spoons President Barack Obama in the Oval Office as part of his initiation to the circle of cultured European leaders. Finally America has a president who is unafraid to pose for homoerotic pictures.
And Pinkie, I hope this doesn't ruin the nightly "spooning in the White House" fantasies for you.
Sounds like some serious shaking and jiggling going on in California, too! Perhaps a natural response of Mother Earth to the El Grande Stimuloso Paqueto!
(I wouldn't bother watching too much past 0:14. Most of the salient information can be garnered from the professional comrade delivering the news up to that point)
Navigator - I'd be careful with the word "tease" on this thread if I were you.
LMAO!
I've been looking for a revolutionary symbol.
I remember my mom talking to her girlfriends from college: "about the time time they unscrewed the porch light bulbs from girls dorm and replaced them with red light bulbs.
Back in the day ... evidently ... When the red light was burning, it mean the time was right for a good screwing! Back then it was exceedingly shameful.
In light of our present day circumstances, I think it would be a good "tease" of the Obama administration if we started a revolution by screwing red bulbs in our porch lites, our living rooms or any window or location that faced the public.
A red lite means it's a good time for Stimulus!
Oppose the stimulus? Lite up an incandescent red bulb. Or candle.
By the way guys, I hope this package is not available on the free (capitalist) market. Right? Only at Cubist/Communist markets.
Yes, comrade Jay, I too share your concern that the price has not been decided upon by the glorious administration in a fair manner... You don't think that there is an evil profit to be made do you???
Check with your doctor to make sure you are healthy enough before taking The Stimulus!"
"88% of women agree: Size Does Matter!"
If you experience a lasting stimulation lasting longer than 4 years, stop taking "The Economic Stimulus" and call your local DNC representative immediately to avoid perminate injury to your wallet.
And Pinkie, I hope this doesn't ruin the nightly "spooning in the White House" fantasies for you.
On the contrary, Red Square, it makes me wish I could be a cultured European leader! Imagine! Being able to stand directly behind Obama, my soft, doughy body flush against the hard, warm length of his. His fine, firm buttocks cradled between my hips as I press my breasts beneath his shoulder blades and lean my chin, perhaps my whole cheek, on the fine Italian silk covering that broad shoulder. I could wrap my arms around him till my hands meet over the thudding of his great, good heart that beats with the steady rhythm of Hope and Change. And I would stand on tiptoe to whisper in his ear, "Ohh-bama . . . give me your Stimulus Package. All of it. Now!"
On the contrary, Red Square, it makes me wish I could be a cultured European leader! Imagine! Being able to stand directly behind Obama, my soft, doughy body flush against the hard, warm length of his. His fine, firm buttocks cradled between my hips as I press my breasts beneath his shoulder blades and lean my chin, perhaps my whole cheek, on the fine Italian silk covering that broad shoulder. I could wrap my arms around him till my hands meet over the thudding of his great, good heart that beats with the steady rhythm of Hope and Change. And I would stand on tiptoe to whisper in his ear, "Ohh-bama . . . give me your Stimulus Package. All of it. Now!"
I tell you, it's too hard to resist.
Ouch. I think I popped a gasket while reading that.
WOW! Now with the Obama WealthSpreadtm, the Obama Snake Oil Ointmenttm, and the new Obama Stimulus Packagetm my weekend should be set! Thanks, Mr. President. Gosh I'm glad I voted!
I think the young Comrade is smiling because he really wants some of this good stuff ...
Comrade Castrate, that image of our MTE is somewhat on the "disturbing" side. I think I have just committed all manner of thoughtcrime by considering it. I'm going to go dig beets and swill vodka in the hopes of burning that image out of my mind.
Did you know you can make wine from beets? Well maybe not, this is back ally prole stuff here. While the Bourgeois drink the Wodka the rest of us swill the wine.
Wash beets, skin beets, and cut into small pieces. Place beets in a
nylon bag and boil in 2 quarts water until tender. Pour hot liquor over
sugar in primary and mix. Put bag with pulp in fermentor and stir in
remainder of COLD water. Add all other ingredients except yeast. After
24 hours add yeast. Let ferment. When SG is 1.040 lightly strain juice
from bag. When SG is 1.000 rack into secondary.
Or I could ferment the beet juice and make... beet vodka! Woohoo! Stalin be praised! Obama has surely looked down on this humble Party Member and briefly smiled at me. Beet vodka! What a glorious concept. Now you can have your beet and drink it too!
I am working on plans now to expand Factory 1017 People's Rifles™, People's Pocket Pistols™ and Stalin's Blood Beet Vodka™.
Oooh I have tingles going up and down my leg. I may have an Obamagasm!
On the contrary, Red Square, it makes me wish I could be a cultured European leader! Imagine! Being able to stand directly behind Obama, my soft, doughy body flush against the hard, warm length of his. His fine, firm buttocks cradled between my hips as I press my breasts beneath his shoulder blades and lean my chin, perhaps my whole cheek, on the fine Italian silk covering that broad shoulder. I could wrap my arms around him till my hands meet over the thudding of his great, good heart that beats with the steady rhythm of Hope and Change. And I would stand on tiptoe to whisper in his ear, "Ohh-bama . . . give me your Stimulus Package. All of it. Now!"
I tell you, it's too hard to resist.
Once again I MUST DENOUNCE *ducks* PINKIE *parries and thrusts with People's Rifle* FOR MENTAL IMAGES BEYOND WHAT THE AVERAGE COMRADE *ouch!* MUST *dodges and engages with People's Pocket Pistol™. Hmmm shovel defeats .25acp. Not good.* ENDURE! *ouch, ouch, and OUCH OBAMADAMNIT*
People's Erotica™ is all well and good, but must we endure it when we are not *dangit enough with the shovel already Pinkie!* expecting it?
As an amature craft brewer of ales and meade I wonder if the proles could figure out how to measure specific gravity after they've spent all day digging beats and then consuming their vodka ration. Furthermore, they would have to completely stop eating for 2.5 months to get 2.5 pounds of beets. And the sugar? Unless they're planning on robbing the supply train as it goes to Meow's Dacha, they'll never see a single ounce, let alone the quantities you describe. Their Obamagasms might provide the teaspoon of nutrient, however.
On the contrary, Red Square, it makes me wish I could be a cultured European leader! Imagine! Being able to stand directly behind Obama, my soft, doughy body flush against the hard, warm length of his. His fine, firm buttocks cradled between my hips as I press my breasts beneath his shoulder blades and lean my chin, perhaps my whole cheek, on the fine Italian silk covering that broad shoulder. I could wrap my arms around him till my hands meet over the thudding of his great, good heart that beats with the steady rhythm of Hope and Change. And I would stand on tiptoe to whisper in his ear, "Ohh-bama . . . give me your Stimulus Package. All of it. Now!"
I tell you, it's too hard to resist.
Once again I MUST DENOUNCE *ducks* PINKIE *parries and thrusts with People's Rifle* FOR MENTAL IMAGES BEYOND WHAT THE AVERAGE COMRADE *ouch!* MUST *dodges and engages with People's Pocket Pistol™. Hmmm shovel defeats .25acp. Not good.* ENDURE! *ouch, ouch, and OUCH OBAMADAMNIT*
People's Erotica™ is all well and good, but must we endure it when we are not *dangit enough with the shovel already Pinkie!* expecting it?
I fear this might blow Comrade Red Jim's graphics card...
She built those biceps for his O'liness's Stimulus Package. She promised to be a real "hands on" First Lady.
She did it for the Common Good™.
Besides...she doesn't want punished anymore, twice is enough, so it's safer to run an Obama Stimulus Package off by BOTH hands.
If Obama keeps it up, soon Michelle's arms will look like Popeye the Sailor Man's without the anchor tattoo.
I'm entitled to my Woody, the Government owes me my Woody....... The mere thought that I would trade for some sort of profit for a Woody repulses this Comrade.
Commissar Obamissar V.... Humble apologies if I may have left an impression that I would rather stiff the masses for private gain then stiff the taxpayer for my own personal gain.
That's some decent groveling, Comrade. Your sense of entitlement is well developed for your age. I'll continue my witch hunt elsewhere. It would seem that some Junior-Americans for Obama not only did not vote several times, but are also appearing on television advocating capitalism!
Or I could ferment the beet juice and make... beet vodka! Woohoo! Stalin be praised! Obama has surely looked down on this humble Party Member and briefly smiled at me. Beet vodka! What a glorious concept. Now you can have your beet and drink it too!
I am working on plans now to expand Factory 1017 People's Rifles™, People's Pocket Pistols™ and Stalin's Blood Beet Vodka™.
Oooh I have tingles going up and down my leg. I may have an Obamagasm!
Remember the percentages Comrade.
55% for the Government, 35 % for the Party officials, 2% for you 1% for me (A way of rewarding me for contributing to the overall welfare of the proletariat) and 7% donations for the Party Retirement Dachu.
Then you have the taxes to consider. We must stimulate the economy and only by giving more than your fair share can we hope to stimulate the economy. Your taxes will amount to 90% of gross. Thank you for providing the Pipples pary with the needed stimulation.
Oh and there is a 10% tingle tax.
I did taste the beet moonshine - it was called "samogon". It was illegal to make it because the government had the liquor monopoly (among other monopolies), but it was a popular drink in Ukraine - a beet-growing region. That's how some of the supposedly dirt-poor collective-farmers could afford to buy those cheap Soviet cars - by making and selling the hazy beet moonshine to the working class.
An important note, though, is that RED BEETS are food (borshch, salads, etc.) while SUGAR BEETS, which are white, are used for sugar and moonshine.
So it's true that you can have your beets and drink them too.
The prospect of beet "moonshine" makes me see red! Up the revolution! I can't wait for the arresting officer to ask me, post stop, if I had any vegetables!
I fail to see what you are all having O'rgasms over homemade hootch. There will be plenty of the good stuff--Bombay Sapphire gin, Eagle Rare bourbon &c., to go around once the sophisticates learn that in the new world less is more.
I yearn to see the chic Manhattan parties with New York socialites dressed in dresses made of potato sacks and flour sacks, eating fried rats on a stick, and drinking beet moonshine.
That will show their solidarity with the worker, leaving the good stuff to the party members.
I fail to see what you are all having O'rgasms over homemade hootch. There will be plenty of the good stuff--Bombay Sapphire gin, Eagle Rare bourbon &c., to go around once the sophisticates learn that in the new world less is more.
I yearn to see the chic Manhattan parties with New York socialites dressed in dresses made of potato sacks and flour sacks, eating fried rats on a stick, and drinking beet moonshine.
That will show their solidarity with the worker, leaving the good stuff to the party members.
The real ones.
Fantastic grow the evening gowns
While agents of the fisc
Pursue absconding tax defaulters
Through the sewers of provincial towns
I look forward to the excess of Bombay Sapphire Gin and want to do whatever I can to secure my truckload now. Pinkie? Red? What is required?
I happen to know that Pinkie has stashed away crates and crates of Mumbai Non-conflict Sapphire Gin at her dacha and all that bit about "beets" and "potatoes" is merely birdlime.
Let's just go over to Pinkie's. Rex, you bring the tonic; I'll bring the Campari and the mint and the limes. And I just went to Hobby Lobby and got a hundredweight of sparkly fake jewels which I gave to Bruno. That'll keep him occupied for days.
And Pinkie, I hope this doesn't ruin the nightly "spooning in the White House" fantasies for you.
On the contrary, Red Square, it makes me wish I could be a cultured European leader! Imagine! Being able to stand directly behind Obama, my soft, doughy body flush against the hard, warm length of his. His fine, firm buttocks cradled between my hips as I press my breasts beneath his shoulder blades and lean my chin, perhaps my whole cheek, on the fine Italian silk covering that broad shoulder. I could wrap my arms around him till my hands meet over the thudding of his great, good heart that beats with the steady rhythm of Hope and Change. And I would stand on tiptoe to whisper in his ear, "Ohh-bama . . . give me your Stimulus Package. All of it. Now!"
I tell you, it's too hard to resist.
Ummmm, thanks be to the Messiah One for COLD COLD showers here in the Gulag. Even the saltpeter they put in the food here is not enough to curb my liberal libido after reading such filth. In fact, I found it so vile and disgusting I had to read it FIVE times.
But on a positive note ... you should consider getting a 900 number, you could raise enough funds to spread a lot of wealth around, bail out the banks, feed the losers hungry, provide free abortions and STD treatments for all.
But on a positive note ... you should consider getting a 900 number, you could raise enough funds to spread a lot of wealth around, bail out the banks, feed the losers hungry, provide free abortions and STD treatments for all.
The Party has just such a device, Comrade! Read, enjoy, and then call...
The Party has just such a device, Comrade! Read, enjoy, and then call...
Enslave me .... hmmmm ... perhaps there is a Mistress Pinkie clad in chains and leather dishing out punishment for those of us that are beyond re-education.
As a Commissar, can I now upgrade from my proletarian Tanqueray?? It's got me through many tough times in the form of G&T with extra lime... Tanqueray Rangpur is quite delightful, but I'm ready for an upgrade.
Check with your doctor to make sure you are healthy enough before taking The Stimulus!"
Contact your doctor or seek emergency medical attention if your stimulus is painful or lasts longer than 4 hours.
A prolonged stimulus can cause a rare but painful condition known as collectivism, which can cause permanent damage to your stimulated package.
O Comrades, how can I as a prole go see a doctor? What is this wondrous being? The Great Leader says we can all have "doctors" as soon as the Verkhovnyi Sovet err Congress approves "Free Universal Healthcare." Would Obama's (praise be his name) Snake Oil not cure painful stimulus?
Pieck, BOSO causes painful stimulus, not cures it. Especially when compounded with K-Y, into BOSOKY. You can be painfully stimulated for decades with it, as will your children and grandchildren.
But the weird thing is that you may apply it on your outside, it eventually winds up in the rear of your shorts.
Of course it's okay, I purr in the most soothing of tones. You see, Navigator, it's much cheaper to say "It's okay" convincingly than to do something about it.
Or even to think about it. I never think. I just calculate.
Suck Bunny has no need for the Bourgeois Stimulus Package for enlargement! I compensate with my enormously impressive "People's Plunger"™ much in the same way as Comrade James Carville does with his good looks and charm.
Suck Bunny, I do know what you mean about the charm of Comrade Carville. Did you know that his father and grandfather were the postmasters of one of the two leper colonies in America, this one in Louisiana? It's called Carville because of them.
When Carville was giving Bill Clinton tips I wonder just what kind of tips they were.
Rex, I have always liked I'm Okay, You're Okay because it's the perfect progressive anthem. It is moral relativism between two bouncy covers made to sit on a display stand in the front of B Dalton's.
One of my proudest possessions is a copy of the book autographed by John Wayne Gacy.
If stimulus worked than why not just go all the way!! forget all these half measures such as welfare, housing assistance, school lunch and health care,,, scrap it all and just start sending every American $1,000,000 checks every 2 or 3 years!! No need for any more government programs comrades,, we'd all be rich!!! No one would have to work unless they truly wanted to! No need for free health care,, we'd all be millionaires!! Childrens self esteem would skyrocket since every kid would come from a rich family!!
The real icing on the cake would be that it would cost 1/10 of what the government is spending to help the poor now!! Instead of spending trillions,, spend only a few hundred million and rid our nation of the poor once and for all!!!
Listen,,, if sending us all million dollar checks to end poverty is called a scam,,,, then explain to me how spending trillions on government programs is not!!!!
Blah, don't let the cat out of the bag. Damned near everything that government does is a scam. You know it, I know it, the wall knows it. But it's a necessary illusion. Or so the sheeple think.
And Pinkie, I hope this doesn't ruin the nightly "spooning in the White House" fantasies for you.
On the contrary, Red Square, it makes me wish I could be a cultured European leader! Imagine! Being able to stand directly behind Obama, my soft, doughy body flush against the hard, warm length of his. His fine, firm buttocks cradled between my hips as I press my breasts beneath his shoulder blades and lean my chin, perhaps my whole cheek, on the fine Italian silk covering that broad shoulder. I could wrap my arms around him till my hands meet over the thudding of his great, good heart that beats with the steady rhythm of Hope and Change. And I would stand on tiptoe to whisper in his ear, "Ohh-bama . . . give me your Stimulus Package. All of it. Now!"
I tell you, it's too hard to resist.
Ummmm, thanks be to the Messiah One for COLD COLD showers here in the Gulag. Even the saltpeter they put in the food here is not enough to curb my liberal libido after reading such filth. In fact, I found it so vile and disgusting I had to read it FIVE times.
Not to fear, Comrade Castrate. From what I understand the One was 'too tired' to provide be of much service, so that should help alleviate your concern over any possible vile acts being performed .
After all, even a Messiah, must catch up on his beauty sleep after dealing with the burden of so many domestic & pesky worldly tasks heaped upon his desk. It must have put additional strain on him to have to think of sending an aide down to the local Blockbuster and pick up the most generous gift of the DVD box set for this interloper from across the pond!
If His O'liness grows tired of his messianic duties to fill the world with sunshine he can always call in Mr. Clinton, who has never had a problem. They can together channel the ghost of JFK.
I just received this email. It's probably old, but it conveys the timeless truth about merciless corporate exploitation at the workplace, aggravated by sexism regardless of the worker's gender. Besides, it fits nicely with all the other innuendo.
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.
Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle!
Meow, if I were you, I'd watch the skies the next time that you open your copy of Das Kapital or the odd federal title code, if you can tell the difference. Saying "rape" and "government" in the same breath is committing the same sort of faux pas saying "shit" and "stink" in the same breath.
One just doe not mention the obvious in a Progressive World.
Does the program also allow employees who have not been RAPED, SHAFTED, SHITTED, or SCREWED to benefit from the PAWNED (personal annuity with no extra deductions) program?
Rex, when the smoke clears all you'll be left with is a lot of high-sounding words and a handful of acronyms. Notice that your money is not in this list.
WASHINGTON – The Obama administration said Friday that it is abandoning one of Ex-President George W. Bush's key phrases in the war on terrorism: "enemy combatant". Now Obama will use the term "Fellow America-Hating Jihadists" or "My Brothers" as the situation dictates.
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome
Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back
of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
buy a T-shirt
Barney Frank: Voters always laughed at the size of my reputation, but then I discovered Stimulus Package I quickly gained a reputation that makes the voters scream. It grew 50% in just one week and I am a changed man...
Charles Schumer: The voters go wild and crazy once they see the size of my Stimulus Package. 
Chris Dodd: You will be absolutely amazed when you see your economy gradually becoming LARGER and LARGER, right before your eyes! NOTHING compares to the feeling of having a larger economy. I don't know where my career would've been without the Stimulus Package!
Joe Biden: Like many other politicians, I was not happy with the flexible, unpredictable economy and my voters shared my view. I always wanted it to be bigger and more controllable. I spent many years and taxpayer dollars looking for a safe and effective method till I finally found something that worked! 
Nancy Pelosi: The size of your Stimulus Package is everything when it comes to impressing the voters. The best way to keep them happy is with a huge bailout. It's also a way to longer lasting, more satisfying elections.
Union guy: I am not an economist, I am just a Union boss who was unhappy with the size of my benefit package. The Economy Enlargement Stimulus changed that. I am now the talk of the town, keeping my members amazed by the bulge in my pocket that grows larger and larger. I am finally able to give every working girl in the neighborhood a pearl necklace they always talk about.
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
buy this sticker
Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
