Now that the properly conditioned guilt-ridden voters have elected the first Certified-Oppressed-Minority™ president, America has officially entered a new Guilted Age. The Guilted Age is similar to the Gilded Age, only instead of being motivated by the acquisition of gold, the nation is motivated by the distribution of Guilt™.
A guilty electorate is a less demanding electorate: beggars are not choosers. Collective remorse makes the masses more malleable. Workers toil harder for less pay and donate surpluses to progressive causes within the hope that it would offset their culpability for having the wrong color, ethnicity, religion, zip code, profession, hobbies, vehicles, grocery bags, communing and shopping patterns, taste in food, living standard higher than in Zimbabwe, and exhaling the CO2 while breathing.
~
The pursuit of happiness in the Guilted Age becomes to mean this: the stronger your guilt, the happier you are to give your stuff to us. We call it Sharing™.
We don't believe in chance, that's why we are disposing of capitalism. We can't leave Guilt™ to chance either - it is a fickle sentiment and, therefore, it must be systematically reinforced and replenished. In order to support a massive guilt-fueled American economy, both Guilt™ and Sharing™ must be institutionalized and managed in a planned, scientific manner from a central location by experienced professionals.
To rule over the guilt-driven nation more efficiently, the Obama administration needs to create the US Department of Guilt - a government agency intended to stimulate and enhance guilt complexes among the population through coordinated guilt-inducing campaigns in the media, entertainment, and public education.
Guilt czar is to be selected from among the best professional guilt trippers on the raster of Socialist International, to oversee the proper distribution of Guilt™ among all Americans in accordance with assigned quotas (see diagram below). Guilt czar will steer and support the transition from Conspicuous Consumption™ of the Gilded Age to Conspicuous Compassion™ of the Guilted Age, as mandated by government edict.
To this end scientists at Karl Marx Treatment Center developed the following Progressive Guilt Quiz. It is to be taken by all Americans at the start of each fiscal year, to estimate their position in the Guilt™ hierarchy. The level of Guilt™ they are required to feel is directly proportional to the money they are required to Share™ with the Party and its organs in order to receive their annual Guilt™ Offsets.
+525 Comrades. I hang head in shame, but the People's Guilt chart does not show a corresponding score line? Perhaps a few days in the Karl Marx special treatment center are called for to correct this charting error. However, my guilt is already known to be high enough that am packing beet shovel and dry goods for several years in the gulag for proper re-education.
+565!!!!!! Sob! My guilt is too great to be contained in my breasts! (loud ululations, followed by rending of uniform) I have failed the O and must be punished! I will walk to DC on my knees while rhythmically whipping myself in time to Гимн Советского Союза where I will report for maximum reeducation (shudder). My thanks to the Karl Marx Treatment Center for exposing my guilt! Все cлавят Obama!
Ha fellow Comrades beat my 280! you must finally realize that I am truly more equal than others. I guess it would have been lower if I hadn't aimed for the head......
615. I got 615??!!!? Me? But, but maybe I used my SUVs to take the dea... er newly registered voters to the polls. ummmm Look isnt that Rush Limbaugh taking candy from a baby? (runs out of the room)
Greetings Comrades, with great sadness and self-loathing, the newbie RaccoonZvezda has taken this test and has shamefully scored 605!
I, RaccoonZvezda must denounce myself, and demand that I be beaten out of turn before being sent to the gulag!! Please send me now to Big O's Ministry of Love and make my mind pure, leave me with nothing but regret and love for our leader!!
610 but I cheated. Is this Shovel time or do I move up to Hoe's?
P.S. i fly both Flags American and Confederate. Any extra points there. (Shameless groveling)
Ivan scores 570 and wants to schedule appointment for deportation to Novosibirsk. Ivan presses 3 for "early morning" appointment for black Maria to arrive between 1 and 3 AM, so Ivan has plenty of time to denounce himself in advance (it saves time!), prepare a warm coat, felt boots, and a small bundle of food for the train car, indulge in last binge of Trotskyist sabotage and Zinovievite counter-revolutionary wrecking. Beeg trouble for Ivan - he's done OK for himself - warm bed, protein 3 times a week, 4 square meters of living space behind the curtain for weekly boom-boom with Natalya! Ivan wears badge of kulak with pride - while NKVD and nosy bitch behind curtain don't listen in. Otherwise it's Ivan the Prole to you, Comrade.
+595 This test is not fair! I'll have plenty to say at my trial! In order for me to feel guilty, I would have to own a solar powered house that used more energy than the average American home (like comrade Gore), fly back and forth between Washington D.C. and California on a military jet any time I please (like comrade Pelosi). Ride to and from work everyday in a tax-free (unless I am caught) chauffeur driven limousine like comrade Daschle, accept a book advance from an evil capitalist publisher after I have been elected senator (like comrade Clinton) and other guilt inducing activities.
15. - There is a thin line between abstainance and being too ugly to breed with ( as is my case).
17.- I had to retract my answer when I realized that my thinking that piling the naked Camel- F#!$%ers on top of each other and braodcasting it ACROSS THE MUSLUM WORLD is an OUTSTANDING idea! My military( warmongering) exposure to " Psy-ops" has warped my mind.
Good Grief. Off to the Re-ed Factory. Fair is define by 'The One'. Only 'The One' who possesses magnificent insight into all of us can determine fair. After all what is unfair to you is fair to someone of less standing than you.
Only way to be fair is for everyone but the ruling hierarchy to be on level playing field and have Referees who favors those with less over those with more thus calling penalty's and interest on those with more.
That is fair.
A 450 here, though I must admit to the crime of cheating in an effort to feed false information to the thought gnome in my head.... Two things... this quiz is racist and needs more cowbell...that's from the gnome, not me....
Now you have it.
Of course you will have to dig twice as much but this is just part of the re-ed system. You have more so you must do more and then give more.
655! Truly, I am a running dog lackey of entrenched bourgeoisie interests. I simultaneously flagellate myself vigorously and sing the glorious praises of the People's Cube for enlightening my comrades to the dangers I represent.
We are ashamed of our 320 score, but not nearly as ashamed as many here should be.
Perhaps our lower score is obfuscated by our previous indoctrination from the highly esteemed PoliPrivPub higher institutions we have attended. We are ashamed of being more re-educated than most.
Perhaps in the interest of progress we shall rejoice that we have found people of like mind who share a profound interest in the treatment of sick imperialist Americans.
This score should make it clear why I am a high ranking Party official and a member of the Inner Circle™!!!
--
ZB
Praise be to thee!!! You are esteemed and Praised!
Now in the interest of The Party™ we must remove your legs and arms and shrine your brain in a cryogenic vessel that we must connect to the network at once in order that The People™ may find True Enlightenment™ in your Genius™!!!!
This score should make it clear why I am a high ranking Party official and a member of the Inner Circle™!!!
--
ZB
Praise be to thee!!! You are esteemed and Praised!
Now in the interest of The Party™ we must remove your legs and arms and shrine your brain in a cryogenic vessel that we must connect to the network at once in order that The People™ may find True Enlightenment™ in your Genius™!!!!
Comrade R.R.,
Spaceeba Ocheen for the high praise that is fitting of me, a high raking member of the Inner Circle™!!! Remember, I am more equal than you so keep it coming.
However, this has already been done to another high ranking party member that is a greater genius than I, and is considerably more enlightened than I.... Comrade Ivan "Brain In Jar" Betinov!!!
This score should make it clear why I am a high ranking Party official and a member of the Inner Circle™!!!
--
ZB
Praise be to thee!!! You are esteemed and Praised!
Now in the interest of The Party™ we must remove your legs and arms and shrine your brain in a cryogenic vessel that we must connect to the network at once in order that The People™ may find True Enlightenment™ in your Genius™!!!!
Comrade R.R.,
Spaceeba Ocheen for the high praise that is fitting of me, a high raking member of the Inner Circle™!!! Remember, I am more equal than you so keep it coming.
However, this has already been done to another high ranking party member that is a greater genius than I, and is considerably more enlightened than I.... Comrade Ivan "Brain In Jar" Betinov!!!
--
ZB
Perhaps Comrade this part of encoded message may be subliminal recognition of next assignment?
This score should make it clear why I am a high ranking Party official and a member of the Inner Circle™!!!
--
ZB
Praise be to thee!!! You are esteemed and Praised!
Now in the interest of The Party™ we must remove your legs and arms and shrine your brain in a cryogenic vessel that we must connect to the network at once in order that The People™ may find True Enlightenment™ in your Genius™!!!!
Comrade R.R.,
Spaceeba Ocheen for the high praise that is fitting of me, a high raking member of the Inner Circle™!!! Remember, I am more equal than you so keep it coming.
However, this has already been done to another high ranking party member that is a greater genius than I, and is considerably more enlightened than I.... Comrade Ivan "Brain In Jar" Betinov!!!
--
ZB
Perhaps Comrade this part of encoded message may be subliminal recognition of next assignment?
-545
The Uber Commissar of Foodservice will gladly volunteer in the People's Soup Kitchen™. (to makemy humility seem real to the proles)
(This way I may observe the other proles that are not as progressive as I, and report them to the KGB) If it's good enough for our NTE, it's good enough for Che'!
Oddly enough, I scored a zero.....I wonder if this is due to my association with the Chairman? No? Then I will continue to work hard to become a more noble Servant of the People.
Only the People will need to work harder to serve 'The Common Good'.
Much harder.
"Our Zero in the White Haus worries about everything.....so you won't have to."
Special thanks to Professor Kurgman PhD,PhD,PhD and Commissarka Pinkie for helping with the quiz questions.
Wow! Seems I'm in the upper scale of the guilt chart, I got a 620. However, I must confess that my score should have been higher. I was hoping that I can get some extra credit for my transgressions ... as follows:
1. During all of the GW Bush State of the Union speeches I masturbated. I also do so when the Star Spangled Banner is played, and during Rush Limbaugh broadcasts.
2. I am an avid hunter. My friends and I hunt every weekend, but we only pursue endangered species. Really great on my Weber BBQ grill. My cats really love the rare Spotted Owl when I cook-out ... tastes just like chicken.
3. I replaced my highly efficient furnace with a coal burning version.
4. I go into poor neighborhoods and rob those in poverty and the homeless. Best "pickins" is just after the 1st of the month when the ole folks get their Socialist Security checks. I then take those proceeds and give to Wallstreet CEO's whom no longer can get bonus checks, seems they are hurting nowadays. Perhaps Madoff's wife will need some support while he is being f'ed in the you know what in prison serving his term.
I shall ask our Lord and Savior Obamessiah (praise be his name) for forgiveness.
My fellow comrads -- I have instructed all my subjects (young communists) to make as many copies as possible within the next 24 hours of the "Progressive Guilt Quiz."
The New Communist Convention of Cuba is being held in 2 weeks -- I understand there are shit-loads of peasants coming over to check it out. I will be using the QUIZ to censor the stooges. This way we can turn the bastards over to the authorities if we find the QUIZ shows them as over-qualified to be a CCC (communist creeps of cuba) member.
Thanks for the TOOL. It is greatly UN-appreciated.
My score was, like, more in the red than Obama's proposed budget. Yes, I am that progressive, Comrades. It won't be long before you peons start seeing Hollywood celebrities, college trust-fund kids and Mulva Goldbook wearing iconic T-Shirts with my likeness of them.
I'm going to be big. I'm going to be bigger than Bryan Ferry!
Big Red....you should feel very guilty for making us take this test. This test is a travesty! I refuse to admit my score. I demand reparations for my uncomfortable feelings after taking this travesty of a test. What are you going to give me to make me feel whole again? Better be something good,dammit!
Sadly, I am only a kid so I can't take that quiz yet. However, I can learn what to do so I won't be a non-person. For now, I'll steal a shopping car and use it to go to school. Wait, forget it. I'll steal a shopping cart because stealing is sharing (Unless the government steals) and simply sit at home and smoke pot for the revolution.
I got -3000, but I guess that's why I'm a Made Progressive and all you proles aren't.
Platform 6 will be quite crowded today...
-COV
Ah yes... once again another to praise with undying esteem amongst us! Praise to Thee Commissar!
Aspirations are wonderful things! Would you please join Zampolit Blokhayev in your aspirations, The People™ require it!
Please meet the esteemed Comrade Ivan "Brain In Jar" Betinov in the required chamber. It is essential to the cause and The Common Good™ that we make ready use of all who aspire and meet the requirements necessary to spread The Common Good™.
Your Humble Comrade,
Red Rooster
P.S. Although I am aware that it is beyond my meager position to request such requirements, I feel that in light of current events it is imperative that all take a stand for The Common Good™. I accept any re-retribution accordingly.
Alas, I scored only 565. Any minute I expect my door to get kicked in by the friendly folks from the Karl Marx Treatment Center and the Department of Homeland Guilt. Their guilt-free example will lift my spirits almost as much as being handed a shovel. I understand a strict diet of hard labor and cabbage is good for the skin. Perhaps someday I will be fit to rejoin society, maybe building working for Habitat for Humanitarians or ACORN.
It is very important to your future in the Collective that you take it, for only then will you learn your true potential and what positions you might be qualified to hold in the Party one day after graduating from the Karl Marx Treatment Center.
There is only one way to get out of this extremely important, life-and-death quiz that will affect your entire life and potential for success, and that is by following the model that is so popular in the local high schools where I live: You must have perfect attendance at the KMTC.
STOP WHINING AND WAILING AND LET ME FINISH! It doesn't have to be perfect attendance for the whole year, as it was when we boomer types were kids, and all we got for it was some lousy certificate for Mom to tack up on the fridge. You only have to show up every weekday that isn't a holiday or "non-prole day" for 9 weeks. That's all! You don't even have to do any of the assigned work--just drag your sorry, good-for-nothing butt out of bed and show up. You can sleep the whole time, even if you're not hung over;** we just need you here because the Federal Government gives us $$$ for every prole who shows up at the KMTC every day. Really, that's all we care about--now is that so much to ask?
Those who have perfect attendance for 9 weeks will be exempt from taking the quiz, and have their names entered into a drawing for a brand new car!
**Those who do manage to stay awake for a minimum of half a day every day here, will get to attend a party at the end of the 9 weeks. There'll be ice cream and pizza, and best of all, you'll get to throw shoes at a George W. Bush pinata!
After all I'm already entitled to an A plus. I have 0000.23 percent native American blood due to an ancestor from 2003 B.C, who made it across to North America to be oppressed, but that is a long affirmitave action story.
To Actually take the time to read and answer these questions, it almost sounds like that four letter word "work".
645, but comrades when you are a made Progressive you can admit such things. Yes yes, some proles live in hovels, and made progressives live in mansions, example the Obamessiah owns a mansion why, because he is a made progressive.
Commissar Red Star CEO, Hemlock Hospitality INC.
Director of Kicking Doors at midnight
Keeper of the sacred plasma cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting unicorns
Keeper of the faith
Директор Commissar Красн Звезды CEO, Hemlock Хлебосольства INC. пинать двери на полночи Хранитель священнейшего резца плазмы Пастух единорогов Farting радуги Хранитель веры
Comrades, truly I am far more equal than all of you. As a trust fund baby of a successful capitalist (spit) I have actually lost wealth for the last 15 years and will continue to spend down my investments until I turn 62 when I begin to collect my glorious Socialist Security, tap into my IRA, and perhaps reverse mortgage my house since I have no ungrateful children to leave it to.
Alas, prior to my inheritance, I actually did make money working like a prole which is why I feel duty bound to right that terrible wrong now by wasting my days here at the Cube and drinking vodka while my tenants trudge off to the fields to pay the rent.
I scored a 585, which has made me realize I am less equal than those who are more intelligent, diverse, and compassionate than I am at this time. I will develop a five year plan to reform myself. While I expect to be re-educated, I have at least already stood in front of the mirror and denounced myself.
{Microphone off}
I got a 635. I expect Barney Frank will denounce me at the next show trial subcommittee hearing. Plus, Andrew Cuomo will publicly reveal my bowling scores so his High O'liness Obama can make fun of me on Leno.
If I had a subscription to the NY Times, they would cancel me. But I don't. Ooops, that's probably another +25 points for me.
My score was, like, more in the red than Obama's proposed budget. Yes, I am that progressive, Comrades. It won't be long before you peons start seeing Hollywood celebrities, college trust-fund kids and Mulva Goldbook wearing iconic T-Shirts with my likeness of them.
I'm going to be big. I'm going to be bigger than Bryan Ferry!
I got -3000, but I guess that's why I'm a Made Progressive and all you proles aren't.
Platform 6 will be quite crowded today...
-COV
Ah yes... once again another to praise with undying esteem amongst us! Praise to Thee Commissar!
Aspirations are wonderful things! Would you please join Zampolit Blokhayev in your aspirations, The People™ require it!
Please meet the esteemed Comrade Ivan "Brain In Jar" Betinov in the required chamber. It is essential to the cause and The Common Good™ that we make ready use of all who aspire and meet the requirements necessary to spread The Common Good™.
Your Humble Comrade,
Red Rooster
P.S. Although I am aware that it is beyond my meager position to request such requirements, I feel that in light of current events it is imperative that all take a stand for The Common Good™. I accept any re-retribution accordingly.
Praise and groveling are indeed appropriate sentiments when addressing more equal Party members. I am indeed aligned with the Party members you cited; we are united in our effort to further the Progressive cause. It's for the children, Comrade RR.
Commissar Obamissar Vodkavich
Commissar of Obamissars, Gulags, and Car Wash Products
Not to be confused with The Criminally Insane Vodkov
My Socialist heart swells with Collective Pride as I observe the role call of new proles who have recently joined The People's Cube.
New proles: I DENOUNCE ALL OF YOU!!!! I have received very little grovleing. Additionally, you have not fulfilled your obligations to The Party. I order ALL of you to report to Platform 1 at the Hauptbahnhof. There you'll be taken to the Karl Marx Treatment Center for proper re-education and you'll be afforded the opportunity to get in touch with your Inner Comrade:
I scored 385. Considering some of the other scores, including the absolute value negative scores, clearly we must convene a mass self-criticism session! That or, as corrective measures, all go on the dole to work gratis for ACORN, Greenpiss, or some other progressive group.
My Socialist heart swells with Collective Pride as I observe the role call of new proles who have recently joined The People's Cube.
New proles: I DENOUNCE ALL OF YOU!!!! I have received very little grovleing. Additionally, you have not fulfilled your obligations to The Party. I order ALL of you to report to Platform 1 at the Hauptbahnhof. There you'll be taken to the Karl Marx Treatment Center for proper re-education and you'll be afforded the opportunity to get in touch with your Inner Comrade:
Marvelous and terrifying COV, please excuse this poor excuse for a lowly prole who omitted the groveling so necessary to the betterment of the Party... say, this huge wad of CEU's must've dropped out of your pocket or something. I was reaching down to pick up my squeegee - did I mention I have a Bachelor of Squeeqeeology?? - and noticed it on the tracks. Sure is lucky I found it for you before the cattle car Taggart Transcontinental arrived to take me to the KMTC. I was hoping my advanced B.S. degree would get me a job here at the Hauptbahnhof washing the windows of all the KMTC Express trains that pass through so I could shovel the payola continue to enrich the coffers of the Inner Party.
None of you have been as progressive as I am. Granted, most of this is because I know many progressives of varying races and I do not own a car. I have decided to become more progressive this week by ignoring all NYC buses that have not been converted to the more environmentally friendly hybrid bus. Unfortunately, this means I have to wait for over an hour on some occasions and have been late to work three times this week. Fortunately, this could help me lose my job (I work for an Evil Conglomerate at the moment, and they are so evil it takes several write ups and several management meetings to fire anyone just in case they sue!), and losing my job will be just another battle won in The Good Fight®!
Edit: I should not have been gloating. I have finally seen that some have led more progressive lives. For this very reason, I have now stopped using the toilet and reported my landlord to the IRS.
Marvelous and terrifying COV, please excuse this poor excuse for a lowly prole who omitted the groveling so necessary to the betterment of the Party... say, this huge wad of CEU's must've dropped out of your pocket or something. I was reaching down to pick up my squeegee - did I mention I have a Bachelor of Squeeqeeology?? - and noticed it on the tracks. Sure is lucky I found it for you before the cattle car Taggart Transcontinental arrived to take me to the KMTC. I was hoping my advanced B.S. degree would get me a job here at the Hauptbahnhof washing the windows of all the KMTC Express trains that pass through so I could shovel the payola continue to enrich the coffers of the Inner Party.
Comrade Phuzzy,
Fantastically Progressive groveling! I greatly appreciate your assistance in preventing me from misplacing my CEUs. I was concerned about your level of education, but in light of this CEU development, I will spare you the fate usually reserved for intellectuals. That's right- no Prole-O-Matic assignment for you! My only fear reagarding the windows of the TT is that the proles inside generally do not have any CHANGE to give you for your services. The Party depends on Skim. More Skim is available on street corners, so the first 12 hours of your work day will be spent on the Haight-Ashbury street corner washing the windshields of Tatas and Smarts and then the next 6 will be spent at the Hauptbahnhof as the TT does indeed need washing.
I look forward to enjoying the fruits of your labor! Should you continue to prove your worth, I might issue you a Get Out of Gulag Free card...
Commissar Obamissar Vodkavich
Commissar of Obamissars, Gulags, and Car Wash Products
Not to be confused with The Criminally Insane Vodkov
Toilet and IRS same sentence. Hmmmm subliminal thought crime?
That's exactly what I thought when i read this.
I felt it was my duty as a true progressive to alert the IRS. They are on their way to Fedorov's dacha as i write this.
I considered drinking a litre of vodka, stuffing the contents of my medicine cabinet into my miserable furry body and slitting my paws.
Then I realized that despite my sorry condition, I am still worth more to the state alive. After all, I am a natural leader and 'special', just like the One. Therefore, I relenquish my command, by titles, and my concubines, and will report for re-education. I, a mere fallen leaf from the tree of socialism, commit myself to the the mighty current of inevitibility.
I have my shovel and my i-Pod, and stand ready to serve...
I look at this as a real voyage of self-discovery. It really helped me get in touch with my inner self and realize that I am a creature of infinite compassion and tolerance, especially toward those who must be crushed under the heel of the Party. It is out of sheer love of all humanity (and Huge Manatees) and respect for diverse viewpoints that I think we should hunt down all the people who don't feel guilty and make them pay. I think that really shows how much I care about the little guy. It doesn't really matter what I made on the test. The important thing is that I took the test. That made me feel really good about myself, because it shows that I am socially aware and care about progress. I just wish that other people could be as wonderful and compassionate as I am. I feel guilty that some people don't feel guilty, which makes me a better person than they are, which in turn makes me feel even more guilty. It's like the perfect circle of guilt.
i shovel - having commited the crime of having the "one who must never be named" (RWR) openly displayed on my own shovel has begun re-education.
168 hrs. straight with toothpicks holding eyes wide and MSNBC on screen has seemed to do trick - i see folly of my capitalist pig (spit) past and have recommitted myself to the party.
I feel thrill going up leg - is this normal?
i - shovel - continued on to phase 2 - listening to every one of the chosen ones speeches from his days as party organizer thru his glorius ass-ention to Czar dom hood. His wisdom touches the heavens. i shovel - declare my undying obedience & loyalty to the OBAMA!
For his teleprompter is the one i have been waiting for.
i have to admit - being in solitary with the "View" piped into my dark cell all night has your humble servant shovel a changed man - next time - on test - i score -8950, i think.
i promise to start up the "Norilsk Gulag - Save the Polar Bears Club".
i thank you commissar for helping your lowly shovel and will double my output of shovel production in the name of the motherland.
I look at this as a real voyage of self-discovery. It's like the perfect circle of guilt.
Comrade Ivan Betinov,
Your proletarian prose has moved me, yet your actual score eludes. But then, what is a score but a false social construct based on cultural, social, sexual, speciesist, and economic fallacies?
i shovel - having commited the crime of having the "one who must never be named" (RWR) openly displayed on my own shovel has begun re-education.
168 hrs. straight with toothpicks holding eyes wide and MSNBC on screen has seemed to do trick - i see folly of my capitalist pig (spit) past and have recommitted myself to the party.
I feel thrill going up leg - is this normal?
i - shovel - continued on to phase 2 - listening to every one of the chosen ones speeches from his days as party organizer thru his glorius ass-ention to Czar dom hood. His wisdom touches the heavens. i shovel - declare my undying obedience & loyalty to the OBAMA!
For his teleprompter is the one i have been waiting for.
i have to admit - being in solitary with the "View" piped into my dark cell all night has your humble servant shovel a changed man - next time - on test - i score -8950, i think.
i promise to start up the "Norilsk Gulag - Save the Polar Bears Club".
i thank you commissar for helping your lowly shovel and will double my output of shovel production in the name of the motherland.
may i have beets ration now?
How dare you make demands on the state!
You may get get your rations when the Obamarxist deems you worthy. It is not for you to presume he give them to you any earlier.
You may get get your rations when the Obamarxist deems you worthy. It is not for you to presume he give them to you any earlier.
May i beg your gracious forgiveness. i beg the collective for mercy on lowly shovel maker.
i head to platform 1 once more for double treatment session. Comrade "Olby" starts @ 8...
i shovel - having commited the crime of having the "one who must never be named" (RWR) openly displayed on my own shovel has begun re-education.
168 hrs. straight with toothpicks holding eyes wide and MSNBC on screen has seemed to do trick - i see folly of my capitalist pig (spit) past and have recommitted myself to the party.
I feel thrill going up leg - is this normal?
i - shovel - continued on to phase 2 - listening to every one of the chosen ones speeches from his days as party organizer thru his glorius ass-ention to Czar dom hood. His wisdom touches the heavens. i shovel - declare my undying obedience & loyalty to the OBAMA!
For his teleprompter is the one i have been waiting for.
i have to admit - being in solitary with the "View" piped into my dark cell all night has your humble servant shovel a changed man - next time - on test - i score -8950, i think.
i promise to start up the "Norilsk Gulag - Save the Polar Bears Club".
i thank you commissar for helping your lowly shovel and will double my output of shovel production in the name of the motherland.
may i have beets ration now?
шовел 4 У
Норилск Гулад
Comrade Shovel,
I applaud your transition to a compliant Comrade! The KMTC benefits us all. You have indeed earned (though I hate to use the word EARNED) your beets. You're entitled to them now as a member of The Collective. Don't worry about grovling to Comrade Kaos Klerik- he's not a Made Progressive. Focus your groveling on Big Mighty "real" Commissars and you'll do just fine in the eyes of The Party.
With great sadness I must not only report my score (575) but also report to Karl Marx Treatment Center "flower bed" in the back of the complex. Just great, 49 years spying on ..err.. assisting the Party and it's all gone down the drain. There must be some way I can blame the score on some nefarious capitalist plot.
I applaud your transition to a compliant Comrade! The KMTC benefits us all. You have indeed earned (though I hate to use the word EARNED) your beets. You're entitled to them now as a member of The Collective. Don't worry about grovling to Comrade Kaos Klerik- he's not a Made Progressive. Focus your groveling on Big Mighty "real" Commissars and you'll do just fine in the eyes of The Party.
-COV
I did not seek to gain the groveling of Shovel but merely sought to prevent others from following in his bootsteps. Nip in the bud so-to-speak.
I did not mean to intrude upon your authority or speak for you. Oh, well. I hear Siberia is lovely this time of year.
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
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Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome
Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back
of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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To rule over the guilt-driven nation more efficiently, the Obama administration needs to create the US Department of Guilt - a government agency intended to stimulate and enhance guilt complexes among the population through coordinated guilt-inducing campaigns in the media, entertainment, and public education. 
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
buy this sticker
Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
