In this election season, Americans are becoming increasingly convinced that if they don't vote Democrat they will all get sick, paralyzed, dismembered, and ultimately die for lack of on-demand embryos available for their consumption. The good news is, once they are dead they'll be voting Democrat forever! Dead voters are playing a progressively important role in the American democratic process, consistently casting their votes for the Democratic Party. According to "Countdown" on MSNBC, the International Coalition of Dead Voters has endorsed all Democratic candidates in this election cycle. "We have always sided with progress and unilateral disarmament, and it is very important that this November all dead people of good will, once again, vote Democrat," said the Coalition's spokesperson to Keith Olbermann in a segment called Bush Disenfranchises The American Dead. "Not all of us are from this country, though" the spokesperson said, adding that a standard term for his constituents would be "necro-proxies."
~
Hannibal Lecter In my garage I have 20 jars with heads of disenfranchised voters. I carry them into the booth and they look at the lever they want, and I pull it. Coincidentally, they all seem to look at the Democrat lever... they just stare, and then I cast their vote. It is the least I can do for progress. Laika the Space Dog I have been dead since Novemeber of 1957 and I am planning on voting Democrat from outer space on a special absentee ballot. Jerry Garcia Screw Bruce. I've got Janis, Jimi, Jim, Stevie Ray, Elvis, Buddy Holly, John and George ready to Rock the Dead Vote. We'll be on tour from Halloween to November 7th, coming to a Democratic-Party-controlled graveyard near you. Vote Early! Vote Often! Paul Wellstone Its so fun I'm voting twice!
The notion that dead people invariably turn into staunch Democrat voters regardless of their prior convictions has become so deep-rooted in the Americans psyche that a new expression has come to life lately - as in "Haven't you heard? He fell from the barn and is now voting Democrat." This kinder, gentler term to describe someone's demise is quickly replacing such previously popular euphemisms as "in a better place," "bought the farm," or "pushing daisies." For example, "Castro is still alive and will not be voting Democrat in this election."
Gearing up to unseat the Republican majority in both houses, Democratic candidates are trying to rally the traditional Democrat base by paying visits to as many cemeteries in their districts as can fit into their busy schedules, promising that Dead-Americans will all have decent jobs and affordable deathcare. Says Democratic contender Bob Casey Jr: "I have always championed Dead-American issues, and I promise to work even harder on behalf of this discriminated community to make sure that every dead vote is counted in Pennsylvania and elsewhere in this great nation of ours!"
Average voter: "From all these campaign ads I learned that if I don't vote Democrat I'll die, but then if I die I'll be voting Democrat anyway, so it's a win-win for Democrats. I don't see how Republicans can do anything in this situation."
"You can't have a situation when the rich live in luxury, while the dead lay in the cold, humid ground," said Jim Webb at a recent rally held in one of Richmond's largest cemeteries. An inspiring Democrat from Virginia, Jim Webb launched a successful "Give the Dead a Living" campaign that allowed him to gain a lot of ground on his opponent George Allen. "This country needs mandatory healthcare and prescription drug coverage for our voting base." Jim Webb said at the rally that was also attended by a special guest, Illinois Senator Barack Obama. "It's a cause so powerful that it bleeds my heart to the point of near voting Democrat!"
Democratic candidate Claire McCaskill, speaking at one of historical Missouri graveyards, went as far as opening an old grave and parading what appeared to be a female corpse to the public, as it was propped from both sides by McCaskill's campaign manager and her speechwriter. "Marjorie Libby Rall is your typical American corpse," McCaskill said into the microphone with a tear in her eye. "She may be silent, non-responsive and has a particular odor that can make one gag. She was born in 1765 to a family of moon shiners. A simple small town girl, Margie was always on the forefront advocating for ethanol and alternative fuels, as well as gay marriage, recycling of embryos, high taxes, and universal health coverage. She understood that world peace can ensue only when America lays down her arms. Margie sadly passed away in 1835 and has been voting Democrat ever since. Thank you, Margie Libby Rall. Together we can ensure that Margie is given prescription medication that she needs to be able to vote Democrat. Wouldn't you want the same when you vote Democrat?"
"These loyal yet silent advocates of progress may not be with us in this lifetime, but I guarantee they are looking down on us from that big CCCP in the sky and intend to save us all from tax cuts, defense spending, and moral values. Why deny this diverse group of Party faithful prescription drug coverage and access to healthcare facilities? Let us remember the service the necro-proxies give to us when they cast their multiple ballots for the Party and the Common Good™. Let us make sure they are heavily medicated as they vote, and are given the best doctors tax-payer money can buy."
Experts predict a record turnout of dead voters who will cast their ballot for progress and the Common Good™, helping Democrats to win 435 House seats and 100 Senate seats this November. "The living can't be trusted on any of the important issues," says Democratic strategist James Carville. "The dead are our base and we should stick with it."
In other news:
Duke University Announces Decision To Accept Dead Applicants "It is a logical extension of our affirmative action program," University President says. "We've seen fine examples of dead and partially dead scholars making great contributions to such important branches of science as Gender Studies and Political Linguistics."
Soros, Ahmadinejad To Provide Financial Aid To Dead Students
"Global public opinion wants to see more dead people," Soros says. "Especially Jews," contends Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
We would like to thank the entire Groupthink at the People's Cube and Communists For Kerry for contributing to this dead-on reporting.
I still like to wear a jump suit after eating beans....nothing like basking in the smell , very similar to an education at a public school ....total immersion....
I feel your pain™ comrade Premier and General Ivan (Ret.). But fear not, you will have a team of voter assistants to make certain you cast your multiple ballots to the Party.
If we provide Medicaid we surely must NEVER stop the S.S. checks from rolling in to the necro-proxies. The cashing of said checks assisted by Party Leaders, of course...
I must commend our Beloved Comrade Chairman Meow for creating a poll that is truly Progressive. For one, it is multiple choice; also, the are no "wrong" answers. All choices are equally valid.
I voted "Yes, of course I do." They're Americans aren't they! Of course we'll provide them with federal Necro-Aid. LBJ would've called this The Grave Society.
Yes, Necro-Aid, Social Security and what Dr. Palimpsest suggested "Medicaid Part D-ceased" are all excellent ways to give thanks and a helping hand to those who have served the Party all to well. With such great gifts of federal assistance, I am more than confident we will recieve a 100% necro-proxy turn out this election cycle, all voting Democrat of course.
Sad news comrades. I've contacted several close relatives who've "passed on". While they were enthused about voting, apparently, they intended to remain RepugliKKKans. Worst of all, my Grandmother even compared Beloved Leader HRC to... *GASP* Eleanor Roosevelt! Let me tell 'ya, if Gramma compares you to Eleanor, that IS NOT a good thing.
If Her Excellency catches word of that comment, I am afraid your nanners is going to have to go without social security for a very long time. Beware the AARP comrade, beware!
If Her Excellency catches word of that comment, I am afraid your nanners is going to have to go without social security for a very long time. Beware the AARP comrade, beware!
Alas, I tried to warn her Comrade Chairman. Apparently, she was pretty unimpressed. Seems that Gramma, Dad and my sister have formed some kind of RepugliKKKan "Necro-refusnik" movement. *SIGH* How the hell did I end up being related to these people?
I hope you won't mind that I, in the most Orwellian manner, used my authority as the Internet Kommissar and pimped up your original post with some random words, pictures, and other agitprop materials that I pulled out of our collective consciousness.
I am but humble Party Chairman, of course my articles can be pimped up. I encourage it!
I am happy to report though that the momentum here in the Peoples Commonwealth of Virginia is peaking. We are ready to send that guy we found that day named Webb to the senate to help ensure socialism for all!
REMINDER TO ALL USEFUL IDIOTS WITHIN PCVA: In the case of a "defeat", all mid-level Party apparatchiks within Richmond Party HQ are encouraged to make use of upper level windows, mine will also be available for your disposal. We simply cannot cover the cost this cycle for bullets, rope, therapy sessions or any other means of purging. Remember, the Parties defeat = your demise. So please, save us a couple nickles and make use of infrastructure to spare yourselves the shame of a show trial.
Chairman - may I suggest that in addition to using available infrastructure, the aforementioned apparatchicks extinguish themselves collectively by "...raping each other, cutting off ears, cutting off heads, taping wires from portable telephones to each other's genitals and turning up the power, cutting off limbs, blowing up bodies, randomly shooting at each other, razing their offices in a fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan, shooting dead voters for fun, poisoning food stock, and generally ravaging the countryside."
That would be "poetic justice," although not exactly in the Maya Angelow sense of "poetic."
<purged> will be executed January 21, 2009 at 1200 hrs underneath the platform on the Capitol steps.
<purged> will be executed with a lethal injection of Clostridium botulinum resulting in death by botulism.
Archie Bane Limpold is to report to the nearest re-education center immediately or the Ivy League school of his choice.
Private Pravda is breveted to Field Marshal Pravda for meritorious bravery and unwavering faithfulness during a time of extreme crisis.
Please note that this is a breveted promotion; no extra $, potatos, or vodka. I serve at HRC's pleasure...um that doesn't sound right.
Yes, comrade Redsquare! Excellenct suggestion. Blowing up bodies and hooking genitals up to fax modems is a creative and entertaining way of helping these failures to vote democrat. But for the sake of saving me filthy sweaty soft ca$h, the windows will be open and I do expect some to take that great leap of progressive faith.
Interesting note: Back to the future part II is playing on TBS, Teddy Turner is doing his part! Are you?
Of course she can! Everyone can vote in the U.S (that is if they are voting democrat). This rule also applies to everyone collectively in the universe. So any extra-terrestrials can also vote democrat. Oh, I almost forgot, characters mentioned in any literary work can also vote. We really need a big time consuming tax funded manual for all this who can vote BS.
Chairman - may I suggest that in addition to using available infrastructure, the aforementioned apparatchicks extinguish themselves collectively by "...taping wires from portable telephones to each other's genitals and turning up the power...."
Sadly, today's portable telephones just don't have the cojone-frying power of the good old AN/PRC-77. Hooking jumpers cables between a car battery and the intended target works well, however. Fellow Commissars have also come up with various alternatives that work on household current and can be assembled from parts found at the local hardware store. As always, the Commissars of The People's Cube stand ready to assist Party apparatchicks in the use of these and other devices in the unlikely event that Party victory is not achieved.
Commissar M, I answer your call. Please stand by in the event of a "defeat". I have a long list of idiots who are ready to give their lives and vote democrat.
Early exit polls in Cook County Illinois show strong Democrat turn out in Assumption, Graceland, and Rosehill cemeteries!
All bodes well for Premier Blagojevich. With some good old fashioned Serbian ethnic cleansing, he will be able to keep Illinois blue for decades to come.
This kinder, gentler term to describe someone's demise is quickly replacing such previously popular euphemisms as "in a better place," "bought the farm," or "pushing daisies." For example, "Castro is still alive and will not be voting Democrat in this election."
So can I say that the Iraqis have found our great President Saddam guilty and have sentenced him to vote Democratic?
Even the dead get to participate in the Islamic regime’s election
Iran Press News Blog wrote
Saeed Aboudi, deputy of legal affairs and birth records organization in an interview with the daily newspaper Tehran’eh Emrooz reported that the lack of voided birth certificates of a considerable percent of the dead to be a serious problem of the organization. The i.d.’s and birth certificates of the dead are bought and sold, their their photos are then removed and used for various things such as elections. Aboudi said: “To participate in the election the i.d.’s must have photos and polling branches officials must compare the photo with the individual who has shown up to vote and is presenting the i.d. and in the case of any misuse [of the i.d.], the authorities are legally bound to properly address the issue.”
Somebody send the Iranian Mullahs a memo that only backward countries are still using IDs in elections - while all the progressive humanity spearheaded by the Democratic Party have long abandoned the idea as a reactionary tool in the hands of the knuckle-dragging majority to preserve their so-called "constitution" and the archaic "rule of law."
It is of course quite natural that the Democrats would extend suffrage to people who are actually dead instead of dead from the neck up. And people who are actually dead don't have the annoying habit of making a lot of noise, like rampaging hordes of soi-disant victims and mouthy queers (I can say that) and once having done their duty for God and Country, or whater their zeal du jour is to cover their 10th-degree-horn-dog lust for power, those people who rose magically in the 1st Tuesday of November of every even-number year can return to the grave, to molder until needed again to cast into outer darkness the evil Republicans.
(I have issues with the Republicans too; they've been taking lessons on from the Taxocrats on spending and some of the Religious Right receive messages from Saturn on their bridgework. Still, better gonnorhea than syphillis.)
Once Bill Buckley was introduced for a speech by a Texas A&M professor, who had done his homework. The last county in Texas to vote for Lyndon Johnson was Duval County, and those boxes came in last, waiting to see how many votes would be needed to send Landslide Lyndon into office.
Bill Buckey's grandfather was sheriff of Duval County. He died in 1906. He voted for LBJ.
Men Wheel Dead Roommate to Check Cashing Store, Arrested for Trying to Cash His Social Security Check
I suppose that this is will take the place of hanging chads, dimpledchads, chads of indeterminate mind, and chads which have not decided ontheir sexual orientation yet in the next hotly contested election whenDemocrats have a lot to lose.
Praise for your article, Chairman. We at the Cube have long held that being dead is a disability and ought not to be discriminated against.
However much it pains me, Chairman, I must point out what was doubtless an error by a lower level Party official who was really a Repugnantcan mole or some member of the Busheois aristocracy. I too used to believe there are 100 senators because in my ignorant, unenlightened youth I was taught there were 50 states which were represented by 2 senators each. There are in fact 61 states in the Caliphate United States, and therefore 122 senators. The One has spoken, therefore it is.
Why stop at 61? Let's let all the world have Senators. After all, the Krauts Germans have complained that our president is more important than theirs, so they ought to vote. Let's let them all have senators and representatives, and not pay taxes of course, or defend themselves.
The blessed George Romero's research films prove the dead can be trained to bring about the will of their master. Ahhh... the cinematic beauty of it. Breath taking gun-shots to the head, decapitations, amputations, bodies ripped apart, entrails eaten, throat rippings. Much like the streets in my homeland after Friday prayers. I often watch with the sound down while I listen to Adhan. Allahu Akbar!!!
Where was I...., Oh anyway.... An equaler member of the party can become even more equal by distributing limbs and entrails of useless filthy dog republicans to the peace loving peoples. By spreading the wealth to the less successful a bond of honor is accomplished. The proles can then be trained to mimic speech "HOOOO...PEH", "OOOO...BOM...AHH" and such. Yes it is true. They soon learn that the hand feeding them is extended from the gloriously generous revolutionary party leader. And now dedicated to the cause forever.
Ah! Illinois has THREE Senators. And all are good donkey's rear ends party members?
What an excellent Idea! Just as the dead vote democrat, we should demand that liberal Senators stay in power for life AND death!
Who can imagine anyone other than Teddy as the Senior Senator from Taxsachusetts. After Teddy gets his Kennedy Memorial State Health Program passed into law, he will definitely remain in the Senate, voting democrat with the other two Junior Senators from his state.
Ivan Betinov, since you have donated your brain to the party, have you felt any ill effects? Do you think it reasonable to say take the odd bum from the street and put his brain, already pickled you know, into a jar and then onto the Senate floor? Not having hands or legs there will be no need to expand the senate for we could have entire racks of brains in jars, all voting, of course, Democratic.
I thought being a horse's ass was a Constitutional requirement for anyone running for political position instead of being appointed by our enlightened elites. Of course, this set expression is inherently discriminatory to horses--surely Mr. Ed will defend himself in court against this slander!--so I propose "animal's ass."
Bias removed, personal experience (and, I assume, collective experience) indicates that "ass' ass" is more frequently apt than "elephant's ass."
I do acknowledge that when I assume, I make an ass out of you and me, as the military taught me.
Tovarich, your military training was in error. In fact all military training is in error, unless it's al Qaeda training. Then that's okay. Peachy-keen and hunky-dory. They're freedom fighters, pace Reuters and therefore do not pose a threat to us. So if course Cheney was responsible for 9/11.
The first rule of a good commissar is to assume. Whatever you want; it doesn't matter. Because you will never pay the price. Repeat after me: someone else pays.
The Cube is the home of shiftless, irresponsible, shallow, vain, and greedy people. We are a distillation of the modern Democratic party.
If we were brain dead we'd be a distillation of the Republican party.
Before I continue further, let me say "Impailing for the Public Good" has much socio-economic potential. I expect it will prove more motivational than "Chicken Soup for the Soul" and an Oprabama propaganda session.
But to continue, I must disagree about military experience. I was able to play it as a case of victimhood that won me grade inflation and other benefits in my student days. Many academics are also spineless, so the knowledge that this student was "trained to kill" might have helped as well.
Many academics are also spineless, so the knowledge that this student was "trained to kill" might have helped as well.
This helps explain a lot. When a student at Rice, I got to know some of the professors socially. A very small school with a very high professor-to-student ratio. I was amazed at the battles over things which even I, at 21, thought worthless. Kissinger said that being SoS was easy after being on the Harvard faculty.
Pedagogy is terribly, crucially important but it can also be a sinecure for fearful people without a good sense of themselves. Which helps explain their bitchy responses, like a teased snake.
Comrades, I am pleased to report that the Stalinistically efficient OSSR politboro, who discredited the enemy of the people's plumber, are working with acorn comrades in protecting the voting rights of the undead, despite pressure from capitalist press pig dogs:
3,000 Dead Voters Still Registered In Miami Valley
"No one can explain how dead people remain on the active rolls for years or how they vote from beyond the grave. We asked a local election officials if these are simply paperwork errors or something more sinister like voter fraud? Steve Harsman explains that true voter fraud is more rare than mistakes.
Harsman said, "In most cases, it's human error. That Boards of Elections will go in and delete the wrong person, or not delete them, or get their records mix-matched."
What is the reward, comrades, for removing a necro-proxy voter? Nothing. You may piss off our comrades in the Democratic Party. It is the act of a fool to remove a necro-proxy voter, and it does not bode well for your survival.
Early exit polls suggest that cadavers are voting overwhelmingly for Obama! The DeMAOcratic Party's 'dig up some votes" campaign seems to be working! Fear the Reaper, he's a registered DeMAOcrat!
I take your point, Dr. Nyet. Why cannot we vote say the entire Civil War armies? Wherever they would be the most useful. I also have two cats, Calvin and Hobbes, who have a more intelligent look in their eyes than did Obama Girl. Why not let them vote? And cats have nine lives, you know. That's 18 votes.
I take your point, Dr. Nyet. Why cannot we vote say the entire Civil War armies? Wherever they would be the most useful. I also have two cats, Calvin and Hobbes, who have a more intelligent look in their eyes than did Obama Girl. Why not let them vote? And cats have nine lives, you know. That's 18 votes.
Indeed.
On your first point, it is obvious that the Union dead would The Party. Even a bitterclinger will remember that the U in USSR stands for Union; thus they could not argue against the fact that these Union dead would have a natural affinity for our side.
The Rebel dead obviously suffer from a great collective guilt. What better way to help wash this guilt clean than by support for our great and glorious Obamassiah?
On your second point with the cats, that point is well taken, assuming that they are politically reliable.
It also occurs to me that fictional characters are also given short shrift in the franchise of voting. I know that ACORN did try to correct this, but doubtless somewhere in America, Luke Skywalker was turned away from voting for The One.
Let us not forget that no other nation of any size is the slightest big concerned with those foolish civil rights that for some reason the conservatives like. Far better in the future when China does what it wants to do, like any good progressive.
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
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Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
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of bus
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Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
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Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
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Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
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Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
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CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
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Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
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Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
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Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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Soros, Ahmadinejad To Provide Financial Aid To Dead Students
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
