Congress Passes New Law of Thermodynamics

In a bid to free the nation from foreign oil and bring its carbon footprint to naught, Congressional Democrats passed a new law of thermodynamics, which states, "From each according to ability; to each according to need." This should lead to real energy independence once supply of energy becomes independent of its demand.

In practical terms, the new legislation establishes a new energy regime called "greenergy," according to which supply will match demand based on need and not on any particular technology's ability. Under this scheme, alternating current (AC) will be replaced with alternative current. The new AC will work by adjusting the needy consumer rather than the supply. Said one Senator, "For alternative energy we need an alternative consumer. That much is clear."

This will be accomplished by attaching a series of government greenergy regulators to the energy grid at the user end, to adjust the customer need as required. In the unlikely event a government regulator loses efficiency or fails, causing a short-term shortage of greenergy available, the alternative empowerment proviso kicks in. In such an event the greenergy system will run a temporary energy budget deficit which will be paid back at a later date as new technologies come online.

"Finally alternative energies will be able to compete with traditional ones on an equal footing," said the Senator. "This bill allows the conservation of energy to conserve energy. What could be simpler or more obvious?"
 

What about energy drinks like Monster, or Red Bull? How will they be regulated?
 

A valid question. The answer is that only green-colored energy drinks will be considered compliant with the greenenergy regime. All other drinks will be considered inimical to saving the earth and green lifestyle in general.
 

Marvelous! Even in the Wonderfully Equal Year of 2100, the Progressive Greenergy regulators are still F.I.S.T.-ing the KKKapitalist Big Oil conspiracy/companies. Long Live Lord BHO!
 

Ahh so we will have Green Bull Energy Drinks. "Green Bull Gives you Greeennnsss!"
 

As I read this I couldn't help but notice the Progressive Insurance ad in the side bar (Like Dear Leader I have warm feelings for that gal). Anyway, to make my fantasy more complete, I think Flo needs green contact lenses.



Flo, I like that name, it sounds...wet
 

See that bump Flo has at the back of her head? Actually, it is very progressive. It's a portable energy regulator that regulates Flo's energy production capability, depending on if she eats a garbanzo bean burrito, or a rice cake. When she stores too much energy, she gets zapped, and an automatic clamp shuts her mouth, allowing her only to drink liquids.
 

I've been thinking of analogies between the laws of thermodynamics and economy...



This reminds me of a computer game OTHELLO, sometimes also called IAGO. The goal is to replace white circles with black circles and vice versa. I think it could be more interesting and closer to reality if someone creates a version of this game in which green or blue circles with the dollar signs get replaced with red circles bearing the hammer & sickle signs. It could be called "The Cold War" or "Which Way is Progress?"

I think Comrade Tovarish discovered a knack for modifying and creating flash games recently. Could this be a worthy challenge for him?


 

Colonel 7.62

Ahh so we will have Green Bull Energy Drinks. "Green Bull Gives you Greeennnsss!"

Hm, Red Bull sounds like a perfectly progressive drink to me; but then, so does Green Bull. Does it really matter whether it's red or green? Will we even be allowed to notice the difference?
 

I like the chart very much. That Nanski Peloski Index you did for the Republican website comes to mind, too. I can see one, too, where George Washington is on one chip and Karl Marx is on the other. However, nothing is more sinister than the hammer and sickle symbol.
 

Red Square

I think Comrade Tovarish discovered a knack for modifying and creating flash games recently. Could this be a worthy challenge for him?

It is a very good idea but currently beyond my skills, unless I can arrange a redistribution of game code.
 

Komsomolka Olga Katrina

Hm, Red Bull sounds like a perfectly progressive drink to me; but then, so does Green Bull. Does it really matter whether it's red or green? Will we even be allowed to notice the difference?

Comradette Olga,

I believe you have not yet been issued your progressive blinders that, much like red-green colorblindness for vision, render Red and Green policies politically and practically identical.

My concern is that Red Bull, originally a Thai energy drink used mainly to keep truck drivers and unskilled laborers juiced, will be supplanted by a "First World" exploiter company using unfair market advantages.

Red Bull not only has the true color of revolutionaries everywhere, it comes from an ethnic source nation that managed to avoid Western colonialism and--with due consideration--is anyway indistinguishable from Green Bull. Moreover, we know that more choices, like Green Bull, only confuse the consumers deemed worthy of being allowed to continue consuming.
 

Oh, I do have them. My questions - just like my speeches at Party meetings - are purely rhetorical.

[prog off]

I was also commenting on the fact that whether it's Red or Green, it's a load of Bull.
 

Comradette Olga,

Your progressive understanding has progressed at a rate far exceeding my own. I nominate you for the Red Order of the Green Gore, First Class!
 

I have only recently come to this party, having been involved in flogging some Rethuglican proles.

I like the idea of running an energy deficit. It makes perfect sense to me. In that vein we could also run a brain deficit. President Obowma could then be excused for doing any damned fool thing that he wanted to do on the theory that when superior TelePrompTer technology is invented then the brain deficit could be repaid.
 

Comrade Commissar Theocritus,

I am concerned, as our current administration is already running a brain deficit. And frankly, our comrades in arms, the Chinese, are asking for more interest for all the brains we already owe them. I'm afraid it is most difficult, with the current brain drain, that our dear leaders cannot hold their interest on anything for more than a few seconds.

I have an idea for the teleprompter problem. Flashing King Obama's favorite shaved ice for a second on various random locations on the screen. Trial runs have been a flop though, as his O'liness is already overfilling his drool cup. The shaved ice turns the stream of saliva into a torrent!

I have been experimenting with the minister of marketing on a new accessory for the proles.


 

I denounce you for thinking of Obama drool! The only possible drool is drool for strong Communism! As Laika, Noble Space Dog, never quits reminding us, the cure for a weak and free Democracy is Strong Communism, and that is the only permitted object of drool. Not shaved ice. Shaved prole bones, perhaps, but not shaved ice.

I have since that last post decided that there are two sorts of brains. There are absolute brains, which deal with, and I shudder as I say it, reality. And there are the brains which get us past the next news cycle.

The most pressing question in the history of mankind is making the second sort of brain preeminent over the first sort, without a final day of reckoning.
 

Comrades,

Just yesterday I picked up something called Newsweek, which seemed to be a weekly and full of the correct news, including the cover piece about Haiti penned by President Awesome and a fellow piece by Bill Clinton; that perfidious George W. Bush, also appointed as a poobah to Haiti, had no articles. Hah, typical. Michael Moore showed me just how lazy he is!

Anyway, the periodical closed with an article about how China will dominate the world. I was pleased to learn that, though it will require a bit of modification, we will soon be singing "The West is Red." What got me was how identical the hype was to that about Japan, Inc. in the 1980s. There was a similar careful omission of atrocious demographics, massive politically-directed debt, the intentionally weak yen (until it jumped from ¥360 to ¥180 under some accord), and a stock market (and industry) powered by inflated land prices.

But Chinese brain power is truly formidable. After all, who else would come up with the idea of faking one's own nationality to enter a university in one's own country? Pure progressive genius! Stick it to The Man and get your own at the same time!

Fight the power! Oh, wait…
 

It is my understanding that Google has refused to censor its search engine for only correct pages, and has told the Chinese take it or leave it. Google must therefore be destroyed. What would happen if people had access to free information?

We must also censor in America. Tonight I saw the alarming results of the Massachusetts election in which that stripper Scott Brown won over that Kennedy flunky Marcia Coakley. Keith Olbermann, good friend to patriot Janeane Gawdawfulo, offered an apology:

Quote:

In Scott Brown we have an irresponsible, homophobic, racist, reactionary, ex-nude model, tea-bagging supporter of violence against women and against politicians with whom he disagrees...The Commonwealth of Massachusetts is close to sending this bad joke to the Senate of the United States
He apologized for not adding the word "sexist."

We must censor communications in America lest someone see other news people who are not clinically insane.

And we must also do away with publications like the WSJ, so that more and more people will be forced to read Newsweek. After all, they already print more copies than there are parrots to shit on the copies.

I have an idea! Quit manufacturing toilet paper. That would force people to buy more Newsweek.
 

Comrade Theocritus,

In emergencies like this, I suppose a retreat to capitalist thinking and innovative solutions like ending the manufacturing of toilet paper can be tolerated, but surely you recall what that ham who became president said about "the Evil Empire" whose Pravda, from which flowed pages of current truth. It became acceptable among disturbingly large portions of the unwashed populace to believe that Soviet citizens were using Pravda as toilet paper! Thus I am concerned that your idea might prompt some to draw parallels and begin using Newsweak or The New York Times as Pravda allegedly was used.

Of course, a law "banning the use of responsible and authoritative printed informational media covering current events for personal fecal removal purposes" would rectumfy that, along with a webcam in every Gorelet to keep an eye on everyone's third eye.
 

Tovarich, take a moment and go to the electronic Pravda of today. I gasped when I saw it. It was further to the right than our Legacy Media! It didn't have nearly as much progressive attitude and was a good deal more self-aware than say Katie Couric, but then twice a week the cat box gets cleaned of things more self-aware than Katie Couric. Or Paul Krugman.

I like the idea of a webcam in every Gorelet to keep track of people's third eyes. We could sell the footage to voyeurs. Also it would be of great use to that large segment of the Progressive population who enjoy sitting in the basements of outhouses and watching people deposit loads.

These are the versatile progressives, as opposed to the tops.
 

Hmmm... Blast these carbon footprints. It seems my footprint gets more carboner everyday.

poor choice of words...
 

Komsomolka Olga Katrina

Colonel 7.62

Ahh so we will have Green Bull Energy Drinks. "Green Bull Gives you Greeennnsss!"

Hm, Red Bull sounds like a perfectly progressive drink to me; but then, so does Green Bull. Does it really matter whether it's red or green? Will we even be allowed to notice the difference?

A recalcitrant kulak now hoeing beets beside me explains that red is green and green is red. He explained that each is the reciprocal wavelength of the other or simply two sides of the same coin. This explains how easily American and European communists were able to go from Stalinism to environmentalism without adulterating ideology. A true triumph of will over rationality!
 

Ivan, of course the will must triumph. As a good prog you must know that the real world is our enemy. Reality is a affliction. As progs we rail against reality, because it doesn't care about us--entirely because it doesn't care about us--and so we, the true souls of humanity, the people who are alienated, need to control everything. If we can make no one responsible for anything, but groups responsible for everything, then we can erase that horrible stigma of individual difference and we'll be just like everyone else, in a state of complete selfless submission where we are all at each others' throats like hungry caged rats.

But all the rats will be equal.

Now that the CRU has been exploded, it may seem that green socialism is dead. Don't believe if a bit. As long as there is life, there's range for socialism, and for people, like you and me, to run it, so that we can feel a huge amount more important than any talent that we have might reasonably let us feel.
 

Commissar Theocritus

Ivan, of course the will must triumph. As a good prog you must know that the real world is our enemy. Reality is a affliction. As progs we rail against reality, because it doesn't care about us--entirely because it doesn't care about us--and so we, the true souls of humanity, the people who are alienated, need to control everything. If we can make no one responsible for anything, but groups responsible for everything, then we can erase that horrible stigma of individual difference and we'll be just like everyone else, in a state of complete selfless submission where we are all at each others' throats like hungry caged rats.

But all the rats will be equal.

Now that the CRU has been exploded, it may seem that green socialism is dead. Don't believe if a bit. As long as there is life, there's range for socialism, and for people, like you and me, to run it, so that we can feel a huge amount more important than any talent that we have might reasonably let us feel.Of course, you are correct, Commissar Theocritus. Being a brutish and ignorant prole I am easily confused and though I try to grasp the great wisdom of our glorious leaders, alas, I fall short time and again.

It all seems so obvious the way you explain it, Comrade Commissar, yet my simple mind reels in contradictions when I attempt to think these matters through on my own. I can't express to you how comforting it is to have highly evolved minds like yours to do our thinking for us. Where would we be otherwise? One shudders to think.
 

Ivan, be sure not to skimp on your Jiffy-Lobo treatments. Before I invented Jiffy-Lobo I had many sleepless nights. The cognitive dissonance was just too much to bear. Double-counting a half-trillion dollars in savings? How could that be? But since Jiffy-Lobo I'm happy and smiling all the time.
 

Jiffy-Lobo! Mmm, mmm, mm!
 

I was tinking the FSB was send me to Turkey but instead I wake up in Nigeria
and also I was wake up in year 2010. What has happen? Now there is people in US angry at Fearless Beloved Leader and Obamanation. (56%)
This is first mistake, tinking. From now I resolves to leave all tinking to Commrad Theo and Big Fur Hat. It all seem like bad Bill O'Reilley nightmare to me.
 

Relax. You are just a victim of wormhole location redistribution. You can receive a disability payment, free housing and other benefits for your victim status.