"I made bin Laden's audio recording and passed it on to a friend at the DNC," says Miss Courvoisier, psychic worker of Brooklyn, New York
An Interview With Bin Laden's Personal Psychic
So is Osama bin Laden dead or alive? On January 19, 2006, Al-Jazeera provided another clue, airing a new audiotape purportedly from bin Laden, who offered the U.S. a truce, while also threatening to strike again. CIA experts have confirmed the authenticity of bin Laden's voice, but they didn't elaborate about why the al Qaeda leader had switched from videos of himself to audio. Al-Jazeera's spokesman offered no explanation either, claiming the tape had come from the same source as all previous bin Laden statements.
Looking for answers, The People's Cube went straight to the source.
Her psychic booth is strategically located between the boardwalk and a liquor store on Coney Island, where she practices necromancy from noon to 8pm seven days a week. The back room contains a Yamaha audio recording ministudio. The sign over the entrance says, "We speak Spanish and Russian."
* * *
I Made Bin Laden's Tape!
PC: Do you also speak Arabic?
Miss Courvoisier: Miss Courvoisier: Do I look like a translator to you? The deceased, you know, speak in all kinds of languages, especially Spanish. But I only speak English - translation costs extra.
PC: How come your tape wound up at Al-Jazeera first?
Miss Courvoisier: It didn't. After I recorded it in November, I gave it to my regular client, who's a strategist at the Democratic National Committee. She said she'd pass it on the right people - and what do you know - the next day Jack Murtha gives a speech and recites half of the tape word for word. Then Howard Dean goes on record and recites the other half. I've been hearing excerpts of it on TV all month - the Senate Democrats ripped it off as if there's no tomorrow, long before Al-Jazeera even knew about it.
PC: How did it get from there to Qatar? Is there a DNC leak of sorts?
Miss Courvoisier: Not really. I gave a copy of the tape to Abdul, who sells liquor next door. He must have passed it around.
PC: Why didn't bin Laden choose to go to a Muslim necromancer?
Miss Courvoisier: Where he's from, necromancy is not allowed. People get killed for that. So all those Muslim spirits, if they want to communicate, fly to the West on account of laxer policies on summoning the dead.
PC: But why did he choose you, a US citizen, and an enemy infidel?
Miss Courvoisier: Death changes people. The astral is a lonely place, so they often wish to make contact with the living regardless of their politics. Besides, he's got unfinished business to take care of.
PC: What kind of unfinished business?
Miss Courvoisier: It's about the way he died. He'd been sitting in his cave, half-dead from diarrhea, when a US bomb hit and blew the remaining crap out of him. So the biggest question on his mind right now is what really killed him. Was it the bomb? If so, he died a hero and a martyr. Or was it the dysentery? If so, let's just say there won't be 72 virigins waiting for him. In his culture it's a raw deal, but who are we to judge his culture?
PC: The transcript doesn't mention that.
Miss Courvoisier: It's where he speaks of digging trenches and eating dirt. The translators have totally missed the point. He's looking for answers, and the answer lies with the US Armed Forces. So naturally he's asking for a truce.
PC: Did you ask him questions on intelligence? Names, locations, phone numbers?
Miss Courvoisier: I can't force spirits to answer questions they don't like. That'll give my aura a bad vibe in the astral and thwart future attempts at contact. One must block out all political affiliations and show no hint of bias when communing with spirits. We necromancers are very similar in that respect to ACLU lawyers and CNN reporters .
PC: Would it be possible to wiretap a psychic session?
Miss Courvoisier: I'm not answering that. We've got enough problems with the NSA's domestic surveillance. If the word gets out that the NSA might be listening in to my conversations with the dead, I may lose all credibility with my customers. All I can say is that there has been no recent increase in "chatter" among the dead terrorists apart from the welcoming messages to new arrivals. They just keep on coming!
PC: How did your contact with bin Laden happen and what did you experience?
Miss Courvoisier: It was electrifying. I started with the pendulum and then switched to the Ouija board to get a conversation going. He entered my body and spoke into the microphone. The residual energy made my skin tingle for a week!
PC: Tell us about your tools of the trade.
Miss Courvoisier: Tarot cards have always worked for me, but on occasion I also use a Ouija board or pendulum. Then there's all this audio equipment. I tried video, but even these new megapixel cameras aren't sensitive enough for that. Audio, on the other hand, can be captured with only a built-in mic on any boombox.
PC: US officials did mention that the quality of this new bin Laden's tape was much better than the one from November, 2004.
Miss Courvoisier: You bet. In 2004, I used my daughter's Pink Kitty boombox. Not this time. See this? It's a Yamaha's Audio Workstation with a hard disk recorder, DVD burner, sweepable high-pass filter, compressor/limiter, and phase inversion - all simultaneously operable! This 16-track, 44-channel, 24-bit, standalone digital ministudio includes mixing, automation, sampling, 2 levels of velocity switching, room for up to 7 PCM expansion boards, 96 MB of sample RAM, and 256 MB of waveform data. Its dynamics processing and parametric EQ...
PC: That's quite enough, we get the picture.
Miss Courvoisier: Quite a bang for the buck, right?
PC: Is there anything else that you would like to tell our readers?
Miss Courvoisier: Whatever you do, never try to summon bin Laden's spirit at home, especially if you are prone to hysteria or have an untrained mind. Thank you.
kabir suleyman...we keen to die more than you are keen to live in this world.
A known politicianThere will be peace in the Middle East when Muslims and Arabs love their children more than they hate the Jews.
Red SquareThere's also a quote about the spreading of a murderous death cult disguised as a peaceful religion, but I'm too lazy to look for it now...
kabir suleymanwe muslim, we keen to die more than you are keen to live in this world.
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests
Rubiks & Rubik’s Cube ® used by special individual permission of Seven Town Ltd.
US media to GOP pool of candidates: 'Knowing what we know now, would you have had anything to do with the founding of the United States?'
NY Mayor to hold peace talks with rats, apologize for previous Mayor's cowboy diplomacy
China launches cube-shaped space object with a message to aliens: "The inhabitants of Earth will steal your intellectual property, copy it, manufacture it in sweatshops with slave labor, and sell it back to you at ridiculously low prices"
Experts agree: Hillary Clinton best candidate to lessen percentage of Americans in top 1%
America's attempts at peace talks with the White House continue to be met with lies, stalling tactics, and bad faith
Hillary: DELETE is the new RESET
Charlie Hebdo receives Islamophobe 2015 award; the cartoonists could not be reached for comment due to their inexplicable, illogical deaths
Barack Obama finds out from CNN that Hillary Clinton spent four years being his Secretary of State
President Obama honors Leonard Nimoy by taking selfie in front of Starship Enterprise
Police: If Obama had a convenience store, it would look like Obama Express Food Market
NASA: We're 80% sure about being 20% sure about being 17% sure about being 38% sure about 2014 being the hottest year on record
People holding '$15 an Hour Now' posters sue Democratic party demanding raise to $15 an hour for rendered professional protesting services
White House describes attacks on Sony Pictures as 'spontaneous hacking in response to offensive video mocking Juche and its prophet'
Obama: 'If I had a city, it would look like Ferguson'
Biden: 'If I had a Ferguson (hic), it would look like a city'
Obama signs executive order renaming 'looters' to 'undocumented shoppers'
The aftermath of the 'War on Women 2014' finds a new 'Lost Generation' of disillusioned Democrat politicians, unable to cope with life out of office
White House: Republican takeover of the Senate is a clear mandate from the American people for President Obama to rule by executive orders
Democratic Party leaders in panic after recent poll shows most Democratic voters think 'midterm' is when to end pregnancy
Desperate Democratic candidates plead with Obama to stop backing them and instead support their GOP opponents
Ebola Czar issues five-year plan with mandatory quotas of Ebola infections per each state based on voting preferences
Fun facts about world languages: the Left has more words for statism than the Eskimos have for snow
African countries to ban all flights from the United States because "Obama is incompetent, it scares us"
Obama: 'Ebola is the JV of viruses'
BREAKING: Secret Service foils Secret Service plot to protect Obama
Revised 1st Amendment: buy one speech, get the second free
Sharpton calls on white NFL players to beat their women in the interests of racial fairness
President Obama appoints his weekly approval poll as new national security adviser
Obama wags pen and phone at Putin; Europe offers support with powerful pens and phones from NATO members
White House pledges to embarrass ISIS back to the Stone Age with a barrage of fearsome Twitter messages and fatally ironic Instagram photos
Obama to fight ISIS with new federal Terrorist Regulatory Agency
Harry Reid: "Sometimes I say the wong thing"
Elian Gonzalez wishes he had come to the U.S. on a bus from Central America like all the other kids
Obama visits US-Mexican border, calls for a two-state solution
"Hard Choices," a porno flick loosely based on Hillary Clinton's memoir and starring Hillary Hellfire as a drinking, whoring Secretary of State, wildly outsells the flabby, sagging original
Accusations of siding with the enemy leave Sgt. Bergdahl with only two options: pursue a doctorate at Berkley or become a Senator from Massachusetts
Jay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks
100% of scientists agree that if man-made global warming were real, "the last people we'd want to help us is the Obama administration"
Jay Carney says he found out that Obama found out that he found out that Obama found out that he found out about the latest Obama administration scandal on the news
"Anarchy Now!" meeting turns into riot over points of order, bylaws, and whether or not 'kicking the #^@&*! ass' of the person trying to speak is or is not violence
Obama retaliates against Putin by prohibiting unionized federal employees from dating hot Russian girls online during work hours
Russian separatists in Ukraine riot over an offensive YouTube video showing the toppling of Lenin statues
Obamacare bolsters employment for professionals with skills to convert meth back into sudafed
Joe Biden to Russia: "We will bury you by turning more of Eastern Europe over to your control!"
In last-ditch effort to help Ukraine, Obama deploys Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson's Rainbow Coalition to Crimea
Al Sharpton: "Not even Putin can withstand our signature chanting, 'racist, sexist, anti-gay, Russian army go away'!"
Mardi Gras in North Korea: "Throw me some food!"
Obama's foreign policy works: "War, invasion, and conquest are signs of weakness; we've got Putin right where we want him"
US offers military solution to Ukraine crisis: "We will only fight countries that have LGBT military"
Putin annexes Brighton Beach to protect ethnic Russians in Brooklyn, Obama appeals to UN and EU for help
The 1980s: "Mr. Obama, we're just calling to ask if you want our foreign policy back. The 1970s are right here with us, and they're wondering, too."
In a stunning act of defiance, Obama courageously unfriends Putin on Facebook
MSNBC: Obama secures alliance with Austro-Hungarian Empire against Russia’s aggression in Ukraine
Efforts to achieve moisture justice for California thwarted by unfair redistribution of snow in America
North Korean voters unanimous: "We are the 100%"
Leader of authoritarian gulag-site, The People's Cube, unanimously 're-elected' with 100% voter turnout
Super Bowl: Obama blames Fox News for Broncos' loss
Beverly Hills campaign heats up between Henry Waxman and Marianne Williamson over the widening income gap between millionaires and billionaires in their district
Biden to lower $10,000-a-plate Dinner For The Homeless to $5,000 so more homeless can attend
Kim becomes world leader, feeds uncle to dogs; Obama eats dogs, becomes world leader, America cries uncle
White House hires part-time schizophrenic Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare
Kim Jong Un executes own "crazy uncle" to keep him from ruining another family Christmas
OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea
President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy
Obama to Iran: "If you like your nuclear program, you can keep your nuclear program"
Obama: "I'm not particularly ideological; I believe in a good pragmatic five-year plan"
Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week
NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen"
Al Qaeda cancels attack on USA citing launch of Obamacare as devastating enough
The President's latest talking point on Obamacare: "I didn't build that"
Carney: huge ObamaCare deductibles won't look as bad come hyperinflation
Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans
Poll: 83% of Americans favor cowboy diplomacy over rodeo clown diplomacy
Obama administration gets serious, threatens Syria with ObamaCare
Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria
Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon.' By choosing 'George' they sided with white Hispanic racist Zimmerman"
Nancy Pelosi extends abortion rights to the birds and the bees
Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left
Obama: 'If I had a daughter-in-law, she would look like Rachael Jeantel'
FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp
Every time ObamaCare gets delayed, a Julia somewhere dies
GOP to Schumer: 'Force full implementation of ObamaCare before 2014 or Dems will never win another election'
Janet Napolitano: TSA findings reveal that since none of the hijackers were babies, elderly, or Tea Partiers, 9/11 was not an act of terrorism
News Flash: Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota
Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page
Obama: the IRS is a constitutional right, just like the Second Amendment
Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent'
Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester
White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
The Fine Report
Sad Hill News
Looking at the Left
Red Planet Cartoons
Death By 1000 Papercuts