"Whether it be jobs, energy, healthcare or whatever, we seem to have a communication problem getting our message across," lamented one ex-staffer who now works on bus undercarriages.
The most galling failure has been with the new healthcare package. "We were sure the public would love it once somebody read the bill," asserted an anonymous administration source, "but even though we tried repeatedly to inform folks about the glorious benefits of the president's signature achievement, they don't seem to be hearing us."
"Selling healthcare reform has been a 'communications challenge'", as chief strategist David Axelrod recently told MSNBC's Chuck Todd.
More than two years after its passage and despite hundreds of brilliant prime-time televised speeches by the president, a wide majority of voters still tell pollsters they dislike The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. Many want it repealed, even though it will reduce health premiums three thousand per cent, slash the deficit, provide universal coverage and cure hemorroids merely by saying its title rapidly three times in succession.
"I think people are just stupid", said one frustrated staffer. "I think they're racist", screamed another. "They can't cope with the fact a black president has solved all problems and achieved utopia after so many white ones had failed!"
But perhaps there is another explanation.
Conspiracy-minded blog readers and chronic Bush Derangement Syndrome victims alike believe a secret technology, likely funded by the Koch Brothers, may be stealthily operating under the People's radar to interfere with and distort the president's messages. In effect, the opposition may be jamming his signal.
"I didn't think it possible at first," said one scientist as he munched on a bag of Cheetos, "but then one night when I was watching Al Gore talk about global warming, I found myself yelling back at the screen, 'You stupid bastard, the sun heats the earth, NOT carbon dioxide!' and then I began to suspect something sinister was going on."
Others more than suspect; noting the recent appearance of stories such as "Four Hard Truths of Healthcare Reform" in previously objective mainstream sources such as Politico, these observers opine the technology certainly exists and is getting increasingly stronger. "If they can confuse a clear-headed journolistic news outlet like Politico, then no one, not even the New York Times or MSNBC is safe," one clearly frightened observer told us.
But could such a thing exist? Experts say "yes." A kind of word cloud, devised by racist right-wingers and spread by pirate broadcasters like Fox News, may be the source of the jamming.
"It wouldn't have to be complete sentences because c*nts like Sarah Palin don't talk in complete sentences", said HBO technology head Bill Maher. "As an example, let's suppose the president says 'Wind power will reduce our energy bills by 300% per year.' The secret word cloud technology doesn't have to contradict that directly. Instead, it could plant a subliminal message like 'You can't reduce something by more than 100%.' That little lie, that tiny seed of doubt is enough to undermine the president's message. It creates confusion in people's minds and manipulates them into checking the numbers out with calculators and stuff. And before you know it, they don't believe what he's saying anymore! It's just the sort of thing a cunningly brilliant stupid c*nt like Sarah Palin would do!"
The technology may be more powerful than anyone imagines. In a recent Senate hearing, HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius was asked a number of questions on the benefits of The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act and could only respond "I have no idea." Is it possible that this technology has affected even Obama's own cabinet members?
"No one is immune", said a grim Obama 2012 campaign official. "Even the traditional tinfoil hats won't protect you. Your best defense is to listen only to trusted official sources such as the President himself or Jay Carney, and the rest of the time plant your fingers firmly in your ears and sing "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA..."
"Oh, and send money. Send lots of money."
I always know exactly what Dear Leader is saying, as well as understanding the deep nuances and nuances of the nuances, plus - by the addition of another teleprompter that always points toward Mecca - I can now read between the lines when his speeches are closed captioned.
Of course we known the throwback Republicans will oppose this additional freebie to be included in ObamaCare, which will enable us to convince all young women (and even some elderly women) that the Republicans are waging a War Against Orgasms for Women.
How could you so quickly forget (from our archives) our MIT (Mass Iphone Technology) system coupled with our MFOFCPP (Massive Funding O Free Cell-Phones Program)?
Only recently did it reinforce my gratitude to our Fearless Leader by providing to me a timely warning to prevent me from thoughtlessly committing an Eco-Crime:
And, Comrade Putout, I say "ditto" to Comrade Peoples Comrade's "welcome back" to you, but are you "dissing" us by now only showing us your back?
These devices that are shown are primarily for listening, not broadcasting.
So, what are they listening to ? Conservative propaganda, perhaps ?
Report anyone listening through giant sound amplification cones to your local commissar
or DHS hotline. Ask for Janet.
To jam Dear Leader's message, they use this facility...
And its secret location is in Alaska, too ! Home to Sarah Palin. Coincidence ? I think not.
The strength and truth of a message lies in its volume. Where would be today if our protesters hadn't screamed into bullhorns for the past forty years? I know it for a fact that without the Fender amplifier, segregation would still exist, feminism would be a dirty word, and we'd still be fighting and dying in Vietnam! In addition, the people are not reading accurately, so we must also help cut through the fog before their eyes.
And here is VISUAL PROOF the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act will work as we claim!