My sources say that the wise Many-Titted Empress Dowager of Chappaqua will replace all those hateful fascist bigoted fascist (un)justices with the wise Latinas we need, but don't really deserve for losing the election for her.

For while she was visiting the garden at Gethsemane she fainted and tripped over an exposed tree root, and before her aides could grab a hold of her, her long, eventful life of selfless public service flashed before her eyes. Right before her aides prevented her planting her face in the ancient soil and probably shattering a hip or two, she looked into the future and saw every sin we will ever commit against her.

She vowed then and there that she would sacrifice herself once again to expiate our transgressions in order to save us from the lesser angels of our nature.

Comrade, you have reminded this old soldier of an event in my youth...

While training to become a paratrooper, we were taught of the MC1-1B main parachute. We were taught that if it failed, we wore a reserve parachute, how and when to deploy it.


One Cadet (who shall remain nameless) inquired of the instructor "What if the reserve 'chute fails?" Our wisened old instructor replied:

"Son, you'd have the rest of your life to think up and test a solution."

It was comforting to know that the pressure would be off.


Another lesson learned with a similar point:

"If you light a man a fire, he's warm for the evening.


Light a man ON fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life."


Ahh, the stuff you learn in the Army. Good times. Yep, I'll be tending my beets...