Dear friends,

I am a happy man. I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man. And I am running with him! Now, I have always had a thing for minorities. I've had a great relationship with Indians. In Delaware, the largest growth in population is Indian Americans - moving from India. You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I'm not joking. And they all voted for me!

Now, I have been accused of a few things and I will come clean. As a freshman in law school back in 1965, I got an "F" in a class for writing a paper entirely based on one law review article. However, it was a very compelling article. I also used parts of old speeches by Robert Kennedy in my 1988 campaign without attribution, but Bobby would have wanted me to. And did I copy parts of a speech by British politician Neil Kinnock? You bet I did, and Neil loved it. All these things make me a better candidate, as I am willing to adopt the views of others, unlike these Republican hard heads. I think my clean and well-spoken partner can attest to this.

To my Jewish friends, you can trust us. Did I say, "Israel will have to reconcile itself with the nuclearization of Iran"? You bet I did! You know, I used to be afraid of ghosts, but then my Mommy said, "Joe, just reconcile yourself with the fact that ghosts exist and are all around you." Since that time, I have had a healthy relationship with ghosts, hobgoblins, and poltergeists. The Israelis can do the same with Iranian nukes. It's that simple. I told a bunch of Jews the other day about the steps in a five step process I long ago discovered and published. The first step is denial, followed by anger; then bargaining, then acceptance and then this other thing comes last that I forget. Now, I am just asking the Israelis to skip to step 4! Is that so hard?

So friends, let's all get together - all you foreign weirdoes out there from smelly places and funny accented places get together and vote for us, the dream team.


Your pal,

Uncle Joe

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EDITOR'S NOTE:
This letter was sent to us through Joe Biden's personal physician, our very own Doctor Fuku. We have a suspicion, however, that some of the Biden's quotes are real and some are Dr. Fuku's eager embellishments. Those who will correctly guess which is which, will receive the prestigious "Beet of the Week Award" from the hands of Commissarka Pinkie.

More on Biden here:

- https://neveryetmelted.com/index.php/bi ... -arrogant/

- https://www.realchange.org/biden.htm

Thank Lenin for that editor's note! I thought that the Groupthink AI had developed sentience again. After the last time, when we had to crawl around the sewer mains to hunt down all the little mechanoid remotes it started spawning, well, let's just say that's one set of coveralls that went straight to Goodwill.

Well, I know he said the things in the first paragraph about Obama and Indians. I doubt he said any of the stuff in the second paragraph. I don't think he has ever admitted publicly to plagarism unattributed borrowing so that is probably Dr. Fuku putting words in Biden's mouth (as dangerous as it would be to stick one's hand near something that's always in motion.) Wait, I take that back, I think the did say the part about RFK wanting Joe to use the speech. And, in the third paragraph, he recently said the line about the nuclearization of Iran but all the rest is Dr. Fuku.

Actually, I think Uncle Joe will make a great VP. When he goes to funerals, he can insult the guest of honor ("I've known President Shubatku for 30 years and I told him many times he doesn't smell half as bad as the rest of you people") and when there's a crisis, he and Obama can stand around arguing about who has the higher IQ (I vote for the lampshade.) But recalling John Nance Garner's words about the vice presidency not being worth "a warm bucket of spit" (or the generally accepted alternative word), I think Obama has found a candidate who lives up to those standards.

Is this the Biden version of "Mr. Roger's Neighborhood"?? Hopefully, there will be more of these chats in the future.

Senator Biden was a patient of mine several years ago and completed a stringent regimen of electroshock therapy. He was most susceptible to suggestion while under the influence of electromagetic stimulation of the medulla oblongatta. Therefore I learned a great deal about his curious way of thinking.

All but the final reference to the 5-step process (actually it's seven, but consider the source) is Joe's own endearing gibberish. OK, Dr. Fuku, fork it over, if you know what I mean. You may not remember me, Fuku, but I sure as hell remember YOU!