Famous Medical Researcher Believes Extremist Virus The Cause

A medical researcher believes Americans are suffering from an epidemic of phobias which have heretofore gone unnoticed. Dr. Owa Tagoo Fiyam, head of the Political Disease Department at the Michelle Obama School for Meanness Research, became concerned when he read that near 70% of the population suffered from Islamophobia, the irrational fear of Muslims. "It seemed ridiculous to me", said Dr. Fayim, "That so many people were against the building of a simple mosque in Lower Manhattan. I asked myself, 'What is wrong with Americans? Are they nuts?' Then it hit me, yes they ARE nuts but it is not their fault! It is a disease that is causing their phobic hallucinations!"

"Sort of like rabies?"

"That's it exactly!", exclaimed Dr. Fiyam. "A disease organism infects the brain and alters its chemistry to the extent that the victim becomes hydrophobic, extremely afraid of water!"


UNUSUAL NEW TYPE OF DISEASE ORGRANISM

Dr. Fiyam explained that the organism responsible for the disease condition is not purely biologic, such as a virus or bacteria. "It is more like a computer virus", he said. "A computer worm infects a machine when the user goes to a virus-infected website such as Hot_Anal_Sex_Enthusiasts.com, to chose an example at random. Once the user lets the virus in, the computer worm, instead of delivering the hot anal sex promised by the web site, goes off and takes over the operating system of the machine and makes it do weird, crazy stuff. Stuff you don't want it to do. Evil stuff. But no anal sex."

"Now, the 'Phobia Virus' as I call it", Dr. Fiyam continued, "is also let into the brain by a user action. Let's say the user accidentally tunes to Fox News or the Rush Limbaugh Show. The virus enters the brain thru the ear and eye canals and fouls up the brain's programming and makes him do weird, crazy stuff as well."

"But how can such a thing happen?"

"You see, the brain is just a big wet sticky computer", explained Dr. Fiyam. "It is programmed like any other computer, the only difference is that if you put a DVD in a person's mouth, you don't see a movie."

"Can any radio or TV program mess up the brain's programming?"

"Oh, no, no, no!", Dr Fiyam exclaimed, "just as every website promising anal sex is not a scam, every radio and TV program is not designed to destroy brain programming. Certain material - Rush Limbuagh, Fox News, Glenn Beck, The Washington Times - is crafted to contain the worm that garbles the brain's programming and produces phobias. Most material - the NY Times, CBS, MSNBC - is perfectly harmless and should be consumed regularly in order to assure proper brain-program performance."

"So, to use your analogy, the NY Times, CBS, MSNBC - they're the equivalent of anal sex..."

"In a sense, in a sense."

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Dr. Owa Tagoo Fiyam (shown here in his laboratory) arrived in this country from Europe after he immigated there from somewhere else. Dr. Fiyam, whose name in English means "feckless seeker of research grants" was formerly head of Climate Change Research at the University of Algore and a big fan of Roman Polanski films. He hit upon a virus as the cause of the phobias when he went to a web site promising him hot anal sex.... NO, NO, NO! That was a HYPOTHETICAL example. Oh, sorry. Note to self... be sure to change the caption for this picture.

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ISLAMOPHOBIA TIP OF THE ICEBERG

"So right-wing extremist material causes Islamophobia by destroying the brain's programming?"

"Well, it's not just Islamophobia, that's the EXCITING part", said Dr. Fiyam. "I began to realize that perhaps everything weird and irrational we have been seeing the last couple of years is the result of the same disease process."

"Please explain."

"For example," Dr. Fiyam began, "We all have seen the in the last couple of years the obsessed manic people carrying picket signs and screaming on TV 'TOO MUCH DEBT! TOO MUCH DEBT!' - this is not normal or rational, this is all the result of severe widespread Porkophobia, the irrational fear of government bankrupting the country spending."

"Or take the seeming widespread unhappiness over the excellent new ObamaCare insurance plan. It is not rational to be so angry over a wonderful new government benefit; Nancy Pelosi has told us so! The media thought this reaction was just old-fashioned racism or a new kind of atheism (non-belief in the new god) but I think it is a phobia - Baracknaphobia, the irrational fear of dopey politicians running essential services. And how about the bizarre, crazed opposition to trying confessed terrorist Khalid Sheikh Mohammed a simple murder case in Manhattan... This is so silly, we have murder trials every day. But I realized this reaction is a symptom of OJophobia, the irrational fear of stupid acquittal verdicts."

"Is there a word for the irrational fear of legislation to control global warming?"

"Yes, an EXCELLENT example! It's called AlGore-aphobia!

MAJOR PUBLIC HEALTH PROBLEM

"Dr. Fiyam, what about treatment? Can this infection be cured?"

"Oh yes, absolutely!" claimed Dr. Fiyam. "All it takes is an intense course of reprogramming, a "reboot" of the brain-computer if you will. The patient must sit in a closed, dark room for 2 or 3 weeks straight and undergo a rigorous theraputic regimen - PBS, NPR, CNN, MSNBC, etc. He or she cannot be exposed to any other virus source such as the Palin or Coulter virus. Eventually, you see, the therapy causes all the synapses of the brain melt down and then reform with correct instructions. Then the patient can be released into normal society again."

"No more Islamophobia?"

"Oh, no, no, no, I've tried this on a number of disease victims I recruited from a Tea Party - I told them I was going to show them film of Sarah Palin shooting moose naked - and instead I locked them in a room and played Keith Olberman reruns 24 hours a day. After the treatment, they all went down to the docks to try and prevent Israeli freighters from being unloaded. They all vomited when I showed them a picture of Michelle Bachmann. They were perfectly normal again."

"So the problem is pretty much solved?"

"No, discovering the treatment was the easy part. Unfortunately, getting the individuals to submit to it is the hard part. Most of these people do not think they are sick; in their diseased minds, they believe they simply hold contrary opinions. Like a rabid dog, most of these victims will not come willingly to the euthanasia necessary course of treatment."

"So that's a major roadblock, then. The Constitution guarantees people's right to their own opinion, diseased or not."

Dr. Fiyam looked bewildered. "Son, you haven't been a journalist long, have you? Do you not understand that this is a MAJOR PUBLIC HEALTH PROBLEM we have here! We can't have large populations of sick people running around and deciding what the government ought and ought not to be doing! It would be CHAOS out there! Crazy! So we must PROTECT the public from this potential disaster and have the courts FORCE the victims to get the treatment as well as outlaw the sources of the virus responsible for the infection!"

"Dr. Fiyam, is that legal? Aren't there civil liberties issues to consider?"

"Think of this disease like it was tuberulosis instead of virus-induced phobia! No one has the right to walk around and infect other people with a contagious disease. The courts will force a victim to come to treatment and TB is far less contagious and dangerous than this."

"Dr. Fiyam, what is the prognosis? Have we caught this in time?"

"Yes, I think so. The important thing is that we must act quickly to suppress this contagion before Obama's term runs out. The sooner we do so, the sooner we can get stop getting bogged down on no-brainer decisions about building a mosque in downtown NYC and get back to tackling the real issues facing society - global warming, the employee free choice act, amnesty for undocumented Democrats, more vacations for Obama - the things on which our future depends.

Islamophobia - it's not just about Muslims anymore.

Opiate of the People wrote:"All it takes is an intense course of reprogramming, a "reboot" of the brain-computer if you will. The patient must sit in a closed, dark room for 2 or 3 weeks straight and undergo a rigorous theraputic regimen - PBS, NPR, CNN, MSNBC.

I am afraid that this must mean that this Peoples Doctor ™ has developed some sort of crude precursor to Jiffi-Lobo ™ and is using the Cube ™ logo to gain credibility for his work. While this attempt is very progressive, everyone knows their is NO substitute for the Karl Marx Treatment Center and Jiffi-Lobo to re-educate subjects into "korrekt thought" ™. While I appreciate his attempt to contribute, I must DE-NOUNCE this Dr. Fiyam for going out on his own and not succumbing to our vast collective knowledge here at the Cube ™ on this subject. It's like trying to re-invent the wheel. Great candidate for our Jiffi-Lobo ™ operation though, someone send him an application, in triplicate of course.


Мое первое осуждение!

Then how is one to explain Bush Derangement Syndrome and Glennbeckaphobia?

Are they also from cause of virus?

Phobia, phobia...everything is phobia. Homophobia, Islamophobia...where's the hate?

Phobia means fear. But what do you call a fearless person who hates something?

I mean I have a seething hatred of some things. I don't fear them, I loath them. Why can't I have a term to describe how I feel?

Well that word is abomino. So if you really hate something, like Bush, I guess you got Bushabominia.

[OFF]
Obamabominia, Islamoabominia, etc.

Phobia = fear (Greek)
Miso = hate (in Greek)

As in Misogyny

Greek, Latin...it's all French to me.

(Thanks Boris for setting me straight)

We should all be MisoAbominists

Comrade Shovel, Dr. Fiyam tells me that a Jiffy Lobo is not an appropriate treatment for this illness. Not that it would not be effective, it simply isn't painful enough. Think about it - what person would NOT rather have a hole drilled in his skull and have a probe inserted than watch ANY amount of Olberman? And, as Obama has always said, it's not about results, it's about what's fair.

Mrs Al Czarweary wrote:Then how is one to explain Bush Derangement Syndrome and Glennbeckaphobia?

Are they also from cause of virus?

These are not diseases, these are examples of patriotism.

Comrade Whoopie wrote: I mean I have a seething hatred of some things. I don't fear them, I loath them. Why can't I have a term to describe how I feel?

You do, comrade. The term is "progressive".

Phobias? YES!!!!! Propogated by those philanderers and enemeies of the State on the RIGHT!!!! Our Great, Gallant, Valiant, and Wondrous Leader, Komrade Obama, would NEVER, EVER invite fear among the masses!!!!! He is trying to create a NEW WORLD, a NEW WAY OF LIFE, and a NEW USSA!!! May his shadow ever grow longer!!!!! NO FEAR! OUT with the KAPITALIST ENEMIES! HAIL O! "NO!" to FEAR! "YES!" to our Wondrous, Unequalled, KOMRADE OBAMA, our GREAT LEADER!!!! Just one more thing to add to the Health Care Monstrosity for "Treatment".

Opiate of the People wrote: Think about it - what person would NOT rather have a hole drilled in his skull and have a probe inserted than watch ANY amount of Olberman?

My bad, I thought they were the same thing.

To save the government some money, I have a special medicine that allows all sickness and quality of life awareness to just melt away.

Chedoh wrote: To save the government some money,

BLASPHEMY!

Repentance:
100 "Hail Lenin's" followed by lighting of the Obama candle.

Boris Badanoff wrote: As in Misogyny

I thought this was grounds for a lawsuit against your gynecologist. Words are indeed tricky. Pictures are much better.