Usually when I speak of incidents I speak of certain situations where I find myself unconscious and lying in a pool of my own filth -- or as you would call it, my soiled trousers. I am afraid that this particular incident has nothing to do with my loose bowels or a pair of my very expensive Armani trousers -- instead this incident concerns both Marshal Pupovich and Commissarka Pinkie.

It has come to the attention of several Party members -- or twenty if you count those ‘special agents' listening in via strategically placed wiretaps -- that there has been a situation in the awarding of titles, accommodations, awards, medals, food stamps and other Party incentives to those who have exceeded the call of duty.

Now then, I understand there is a healthy strain of title/praise envy among some of us who I will not outright name (Commissarka Pinkie) who may feel that some Party members (Marshal Pupovich) have been made more equal than others. Because of this discontent, I feel it necessary that an elaborate system -- a system of committees, if you will, overseen by one central award rationing committee -- should be set up to oversee the awarding of special perks, titles and privileges to Party members who have exceeded quotas.

I nominate myself and Commissar Theocritus to oversee such a central rationing committee. We are the more fair-minded among Party members, and dare I say the most honest.

OK… So, this is how the system of committees will be laid out:

First, there is the Committee on Petitioning for Accommodation, Increased Living Standards and Titles. This committee will be made up of nine Comrades who will be hand-picked by Commissar Theocritus and myself. This committee will be elected on the thirty-second day of every third month on the first week of the said third month. If no thirty-second of every third month on the first week of the said third month does not exist, the committee will therefore be hand-picked by Theocritus and myself.

Next we have the Committee on Approving Accommodations, Increased Living Standards and Titles. This committee will be made up of two-hundred apparatchiks approved by me who will filter through the paper work. Of course this committee will be expanded if need be to handle the workload if it becomes too daunting.

After being approved, the Committee, on Reviewing Approved Accommodations, Increased Living Standards and Titles, will review the approved and then move the reviewed approved to the Committee of Confirmed Approved Reviews Approved Accommodations, Increased Living Standards and Titles, who will file the Committee on Petitioning Accommodation, Increased Living Standards and Titles a number of reviews -- that must be approved -- that have been effectively accepted.

Once accepted the Committee on Reviewing Approved Acceptance Accommodations, Increased Living Standards and Titles will then pass the accepted on up to the Committee of the Elected who are elected to filter through the accepted to make sure that the approved -- and not accepted -- are weeded out from consideration which is the role of the Committee of Consideration and the Committee of Accepted Consideration, respectively.

After reaching the Committee of the Accepted Consideration the consideration is thus granted a seal of approval by the Committee of Approved Seals and then shot up to the Committee of Yes or No which is the centralized committee that Theocritus and I will jointly chair -- with me keeping the key to the warehouse where all goods will be stored, naturally.

I hope this system simplifies and solves our current dilemma.

You have my votes Chairman. (The Goon-In-The-Closet(TM) only had to rough me up for five minutes to get my support.)

These are troubling charges, Chairman. Every Comrade must learn that some Comrades are more equal than others.

Will there be any reeducation for the offenders or just a quick firing squad after all of their State-issued items are confiscated?

And perhaps more importantly if one volunteers to be on the firing squad, can one redistribute some of the state issued items to oneself?

Will there be any reeducation for the offenders or just a quick firing squad after all of their State-issued items are confiscated?

No... Instead we will be asking all Comrades -- those who are less equal -- to give up at least half of their rations in a Shared Sacrifice ™ for the Greater Good ™.

We are also going to implement a special Party Luxury Tax(TM) to handle the cost of maintaining my expensive lifestyle. This tax will apply to all Comrades who have the luxury to live in a ditch big enough to fit two people.

You are most wise, Chairman. I wholeheartedly vote repeatedly for you and Commissar Theocritus to be in charge of this responsibility.

Will you be needing any help in collecting these rations and taxes? Will there be any accommodation given to those Comrades who use the new cheese, sold by Marshal Pupovich? Will you be needing some extra help in contacting the Comrades who use this product?

This reminds me of an old Soviet joke.

This prole goes to the local KGB office for an application to emigrate to the West. The KGB officer asks why. Do you want a bigger apartment comrade? We can arrange that.

No, no, I have no complaint says the prole.

Well, perhaps you want a car comrade? We can put you at the head of the waiting list.

No, no, I have no complaint comrade, says the prole.

Perhaps you'd like a better job? We can see to that says the officer.

Again the prole declares that he has no complaint.

Frustrated, the KGB officer asks, Well why do you want to leave?

The prole responds, Because comrade, in America I *can* complain.