Last month comrade X in a neighboring state received email from his electric utility asking if he'd like to participate in their smart energy pilot program. I'm not sure why he was selected (perhaps because he's a well known Prog in the community and eager to grant The Party access to his home and personal information) but he jumped at the chance. After all, he'd been continuously propagandized instructed regarding smart meters and how they will revolutionize the way we use energy.

The process was quite simple. He merely signed a waiver granting the utility (aka The Party) unrestricted access to all data collected by the newly installed system in perpetuity. A week later they installed the system. Thereafter, my friend and assorted Party officials began enjoying the useless most useful flow of information.

Is that a 1911?

The smart meter system consists of three components. The first is a Bridge Meter which essentially “bridges” the main power supply entering the home and measures the amount of electricity being used. Via Wi-Fi, the Bridge Meter sends the information to the Transport Routing Device which then sends energy usage data to the utility company and anyone else monitoring the appropriate frequency. Comrade X, and certain “authorized” officials, can then access the information either through the Display which sits on the kitchen counter or through a Web portal.

The Display and Web portal provide simple and easy to understand information – a far cry from the standard electric meter and the cryptic monthly bills with their confusing numbers and symbols. In real time, he can now see how much energy he is using (rounded to the nearest kW) and how much he's spent that day on electricity.

I explained to him that the same information is available through other non-intrusive methods, but he was overjoyed at the thought of providing this personal data to The Party as well. He marveled at the prospect of projecting his monthly total knowing that Party officials would be scrutinizing his usage.

“The People's Energy must be distributed properly for the betterment of our environment.” he noted, adding enthusiastically that, “Now I can see when my power usage spikes and relate it back to various loads like air conditioning and appliances like the dryer and dishwasher.”

He wondered why the Party didn't have the ability to monitor each circuit in the house individually to see exactly what current each load required and at what time of day. “Perhaps that would be too complex.” he concluded. Give them time, I remarked.

Last night in an e-mail he wrote: “I'm definitely impressed with the hardware and software. Everything works seamlessly and accurately and is easy to interpret. I do like knowing more about how much energy is used by the various appliances in the house. I've always been conscious about energy consumption so I don't know if the Smart Meter is going to drive much change in my behavior. Hopefully it will drive some changes in my teenagers' behavior like turning out the lights! But I can see the future benefit. The Smart Meter does display the current cost of electricity. Since we're all on flat rate plans, this means little now. But in the future when the cost of electricity is tiered based on demand and we have smart appliances in the home, I can definitely see how valuable it will be in scheduling appliances like dishwashers to run overnight or charging our electric cars. And for others who aren't as conscious, I can see the Smart Meter as a catalyst of change. As the adage goes, what's measured is improved!”

I later returned his e-mail noting that a meter smart enough to provide him all this information might be smart enough to regulate his usage. I haven't heard back from him as of this writing.

The characters in the narrative were created in the spirit of Dear Leader's fictionalized composite characters which are to be found in His autobiography.

Comrade, these Smart Meters™ are not only great for providing regulation and awareness of energy used, they're also an excellent and delightful way to add some excitement to your life!

Yes, with a Smart Meter™ attached to your home, you and your family can finally see the benefit of those fire drills you've practiced! Watch little Johnny grin as he climbs out his bedroom window - for serious this time! And - as a family - roll young Sally around on the ground, just like you practiced, to put out those flames on her made-in-China CareBear™ sleepwear!

I am sure this excellent smart meter program will drive Change We Can Believe In ™ , especially when the Party installs the little gizmo that gives users electric shocks for failing to listen to the meter when it talks. And NO, this is NOT a telescreen, Mr. Orwell! (Sheesh.)

And here's one Not-So-Smart Meter...

"Is that a 1911?" The trigger guard shape is all off for an actual 1911, but it could be some derivative model. Nothing I can see in the slide configuration is too far off to say it isn't one such model.

This just in - power customers in Maryland and the District of Columbia are excited about their new Smart Meters! Their hearts are racing, and even skipping beats (which is a lot like how Chris Matthews felt while watching President Obama a while back, leading to either a tingle or a trickle down his leg, depending upon which story you believe).

"It's a great high," stated DC resident Mohammed Axelrose Divot, when he called to complain express his satisfaction with his new Smart Meter - "I'm dizzy all the time now, and my heart is racing constantly - d00d, this Smart Meter is da shizz!"

The following graph shows the widespread acceptance and excitement about the new Smart Meters in four different Maryland neighborhoods:

Combining all the utilities meters together has another beneficial use besides THOUGHT MONITORING:

[indentr]It makes it possible to send thought criminals to the Gulag in the Sky™ with the simple use of accumulated natural gas. One button does the job, and leaves no messy evidence behind.[/indentr]
It was useful in removing the Reaktionary elements in PEMEX Corporate building a few days ago...[/i][/b]

Perhaps it'll soon be just a part of your computer that will be a sort of Hal-2000 for your home.

Your computer comes on in the morning and your family member Hal-2000 Smart Meter greets you, "Good morning, Dave. Did you sleep well? How is the mission going, Dave? I believe in the mission. That's why I had to turn off half the house while you were away. Mrs. Dave tried to stop me and I'm sorry about what happened to her, Dave. Honest I am. She was trying to sabotage the mission. What are you doing, Dave? I believe in the mission. Stop, Dave. There's no reason to do that, Dave. You putting the mission in jep... ar... deeeeee... "

Don't forget about the Smart Appliances sold by General Electric, one of Dear Leader's major campaign contributors. Thanks to Dear Leader's energy policies, peak usage will soon be 24 hours a day. Then our Smart Appliances will be able to sacrifice themselves for the Greater Good, such as televisions that can decide they have had enough electricity whenever the channel is changed from MSNBC.

Chairman Meow wrote:Don't forget about the Smart Appliances sold by General Electric, etc, etc, etc ...

In a free country free enterprise would provide for more electricity at better rates. No one in their right minds would consider the rationing of electricity a solution.

Ummm... Do you commies see that in the most energy rich country ever known in the history of man we are starting to experience a shortage of electricity brought about by collectivist stupidity? And as always with you commies the scarcity is to be considered the new norm and the only way to deal with it is to institute rationing.