One of such inventions is Cube Lube. I wish I invented that!
Any of our heroic People's Cube operators who daily engage in this non-competitive game of social progress, could use Cube Lube - instead of wasting valuable beet vodka mixed with potato oil and some dirt for lubricating the glorious red squares. Consider the countless man/woman/hours that could be saved for society with Cube Lube if only we could rotate the Cube faster, achieving the desired outcome ahead of schedule! We need to find the inventors and get the secret formula out of them at any cost and by any means possible in the name of the Common Good™!
Another great invention is an apparatus that "helps cure diseases of the head." This may well be the prototype for our very own JiffyLobo, except it's a lot more lightweight than our equipment that cures the diseased thinking. We may have to locate those inventors and get their secrets as well.~
See the rest of the unfairly suppressed inventions here.
Never mind the title - the sarcasm was obviously just a clever trick to circumnavigate the corporate censors, who would otherwise block this groundbreaking information from being shared with the people.
On the dimple maker, they forgot to add it will also make a thin red line that runs from both ears down both cheeks and around the chin. But you know what would really be cool and useful? A device that makes butt dimples.
And the person who invented the umbrella for cigarettes should've invented another one you can clip over the ladies' cigarette hat. Otherwise, if it starts raining, her whole supply will get soggy and what use will the umbrella be then?
Finally (or at least for now), I'd like to know how many people who bought that gum massager really, actually used it on their gums.
So I found a little booklet named "You can Solve the Cube" or something like that. It was 9 formulas that were easy to memorize to move and rotate cube elements and "solve" the cube.
I memorized those formulas until my hands became automatic. The purdy girls said "oooh, I want to have your baby" (which pissed my wife Ethel off).
But after a while, those cube elements rubbing against each other got all scratched up and really hard to move easily. And the dust got all over my hands and clothes too.
So I had the bright idea of disassembling my cube and lubricating it with Vaseline. Which worked fine, except my hands were now coated with Vaseline. Which I wiped on my shirt and pants.
But now Comrade Red Square perfected the Peeples Cube. ALL of these problems are solved. ANYBODY can solve the People's Cube in one move or less. Equal Effort. No cleaning or lubricating necessary.
And now the purdy girls want to have ANYBODY'S baby so they can get their WIC and EBT cards.