AP News (Absolutely Perfect News) - Dedicated to the most balanced, honest approach to journalism, we report only the objective truth, depending on what we decide that is.

DENVER, Colorado - Peta members across the world converged on the mile high city to participate in the first annual PETA Large And Dangerous Animals Hugfest (PETALADAH). We sent Amir Shahalalalala Jihad, one of our best reporters, to interview the event organizer, Mr "Komrad" Jak.

Amir: You organized this event for PETA, now are you a PETA member yourself? How many people showed up?

Jak: I don't think I'm quite worthy of PETA membership, and about 700 showed up.

Amir: Why "large and dangerous" animals? Why not bunnies?

Jak: I feel that "large and dangerous" is a very unfortunate stereotype. The poor creatures forced to endure such labeling are often the least loved. The purpose of this convention was to show the world that all animals are deserving of love.

Amir: What sort of preparation went into the event?

Jak: Well we wanted the animals to feel the maximum amount of love from the PETA members, so we deprived them of love for about a week before the convention. Our love deprivation techniques included: starving the animals, poking them with sticks inside of a small cage, electric shock to the genitals, and Barbara Steissand tapes.

Amir: Streissand tapes? Doesn't the constitution rule out cruel and unusual punishment?

Jak: Oh, this wasn't punishment, it was so they'd feel even more love on the day of the event. By the time it rolled around, the animals were so starved for love they ran right to the PETA members the second they left their cages. One lion was so overcome with love that he put lips around the head of PETA member and gave him a big kiss. Pretty soon the lion was kissing him down to his neck, then his chest, torso, etc. Lions, bears, tigers, giant snakes, all gave huge embraces to beloved PETA members - especially the snakes.

Amir: Mr Jak, some of the families of the PETA members have complained that they never came home. What do you have to say about this?

Jak: Oh, yes, I'm familiar with that. One of the funny things about love is that it sometimes makes us do things without first informing our loved ones. Some of the animals and PETA members fell so deeply in love that they eloped immediately afterwards and left to live in the home countries of the animals.

Amir: I see. I am curious about the practice of locking the place up, and even blocking the locked doors with cement barriers. What was the reason behind this?

Jak: Did you have lockins in high school? Sometimes when teachers or other youth organizers needed to help kids that didn't get along well, they would lock them inside of a large facility with goodies, snacks and generally fun things until they learned to get along. Since then the lockin has become a symbol of people or animals from disparate groups coming together and learning to love eachother. I wanted to symbolize that love with this event.

Amir: Right. One last question, where were you during PETALADAH? Were you inside with the fun?

Jak: I'm afraid not. Someone had to film it for posterity, so I setup video cameras all over the place beforehand so I could record it from a remote area. That way I didn't miss a second of the gore.

Amir: Excuse me? Gore? Al Gore? Was he there?

Jak: Oops? Did I say gore? I meant fun. I didn't want to miss a second of the fun. By the way, we're doing it again next year, would you like to come?

Amir: Sure, I'll be there. Thank you Mr Jak for your time.

(end transcript)

Admit it, who HASN'T had that exact same fantasy?

I was able to sneak into and monitor what was going on.


As you can see, it was very... um, "progressive".

I have a craving for a souvlaki on a peta... Che... can you help out... extra tzatziki please...

Comrades,

Seemingly every city, town, and village in Japan has an aquarium. It is not uncommon to hear fellow visitors remark how delicious Species X, Y, and Z look as they swim by. When mentioning this to Japanese, they often ask, "Don't you do the same when driving past cattle in a field?" Strangely, I don't, but I know others who say, "Hello, dinner!"

Said others are not related to Sarah Palin, either.

Sister Massively Opiated wrote:I have a craving for a souvlaki on a peta... Che... can you help out... extra tzatziki please...

SMO,

On it like flies on sh*t sister! And I make my own tzatziki sauce too......oh yeah.....would you care for some stuffed (you guess w/ what) grape leaves too? Wolfgang, where are the Greek idiots in this damned freezer? I told you to classify them by nationality....fu#%^*...when it has to be done right....kill a couple to get the point across...smacks nearest unfortunate prole...Wolfgang, clean up in aisle one. And don't tell me we're out of PETAs!! Oh the unbelievable incompetence...I'm surrounded by simpletons!!!

making sure they jump to task for Sister,

Che' Gourmet

Comrades,

I'm thinking PETA event is response to Terrible Turkey slaughter going on in Alaska.

Comrades,

Souvlaki is very nice, especially when accompanied by saganaki. Of course, while it is a gustatory pleasure (if briny), saganaki has the added bonus of being New! Improved! with Fire! (like the Crazy World of Arthur Brown). Yet it depends on how the fire is lit. I'm a sucker for a dousing of inflammables at the table, followed by a sweep of the arm, ending in a subtle electric >click!< from a top-end lighter. I've also had saganaki lit by a fat acne-scarred guy's lighter fished from his pocket as an afterthought (I'm guessing his cigarette was still smoldering back in the kitchen.), and it wasn't the same. It was--dare I say--almost crass, which I say with all due to respect to the multiplicity of cultures, ethnicities, sexes, and job statii that are helping achieve our Workers' Utopia.

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Comrades,

I recall once reading about how a PETA head bozo had been going about denouncing consumers animal-tested and -based products. They were sinners. Someone had the gall to point out that the head bozo herself was diabetic and her insulin derived from swine. It is good messengers exist, because they are convenient to shoot.

Comrades,

In the new People's State, where we shall all care for our downtrodden brothers (and make the uptrodden downtrodden, as required), will it be correct to make a pet of a PETA member? To shelter and nourish them, to provide them with companionship? (And, thinking ahead, it is always nice to have a little emergency meat on hand, just in case.)