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Give Me That Ol' Time Revolution

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Comrades, I have noticed since my return from my well deserved, if unauthorized and scheduled, vacation following my beloved New Orleans Saints ascension to the top of the NFL collective, that there has been a veritable explosion of new comrades here. Some I have noted have even so much as taken titles of position in the collective (whether officially confirmed or not I am not inquiring about at this time).

Now I do not mean to disparage any new comrades, from what I have seen so far, we have a good supply of shall we say, fresh blood, here in the collective, and having seen many of you have found your way into the bunker, I can only assume that you have impressed other members of the Inner Circle with your loyalty.

However, be that as it may be, I know there is undoubtedly a number of new "comrades" that have pulled the red wool over some of my fellow Inner Circle's eyes, and are actually subversive, rethuglican, Bush loving, imperialist, war mongering, capitalists among this group! So please take this time, look about you, and come clean at the Collective Alter of Progress, and denounce anyone you know are harboring such subversive attitudes! Do not concern yourself as to whether you are correct in your judgment or not, we have ways of knowing.

Raum Emmanual Goldstein
My Dear Marshal Pupovich....

Perhaps one should refrain from unauthorised vacations in the future. Tireless progressive revolutionaries are never in need of such decadent and bourgeois dalliances...except of course for our beloved Dear Leader (AP&PBUH). Perhaps were it not for your absense (without leave), such irreverent, counter-revolutionary behaviour would not have been so manifest.

However, your point is well taken and should be corrected immediately. Every stalwart progressive knows well that ALL must be equal at ALL times. That is why yours truly has refrained from pretentious titles (e.g. “Marshal” et al.) after my time following a twelve-step re-programming at Title-holics Anonymous.

As a recovering Title-holic, I have been title-free for nearly nine months now. I have never felt more at liberty (as it were) to pursue more useful progressive pursuits than angling for that next promotion. My service to the collective is a MUCH greater reward.

One should not be so hard on these young tadpoles, my dear Pupovich. Indeed, the further they swim upstream, the harder they will flush out once they are denounced by more ambitious and ruthless Progs coming up behind them.

Rather, we should gently persuade these young ones to admit they have a problem and pursue greater, more mature proghood by joining me at this, our next T.A. meeting.

Would anyone care to share with the group?

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Rahm, I appreciate your healthy attitude toward titles, and we are all indeed equal in our endeavors toward world socialism. However, I am more equal than most, and my title and duties were conferred upon me by first the Chairman, and then Red Square himself, who are even more equal. I would also point out that all of my promotions have followed my successful defense in a People's Trial. As a matter of fact, I hold the People's Trial record here. It is an excellent way to move up in the collective, if you survive. Perhaps you would like to take your chance? You would not have me shirk my duty would you comrade? If so, then I would be forced to denounce you.

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Marshal.... it is encouraging to hear our leaders have such warm friendships as yourself and R.E. Goldstein ! Also, your festoonments of opulent regalia make you easier to spot among the other high Party officials waving to us uniformly less-equal progs during the May Day Parade. I have heard of no complaints about this from the other factory workers.

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Comrade Pupovich,

What!? Rethuglicans among the new recruits? We can't have that! This blog is only for the most progressives of all libs and progs. Perhaps it would be a good idea for all of them to prove their Nanski Peloski, Alan Grayson, Mary Landrieu adoring credentials espousing their favorite progressive cliches, like: "We have a planet to save," instead of something a stupid Rethuglican would say like: "We have a nation to save."

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Comrade Leninka, the mere fact that I have yet to see even one new recruit denounced by another is evidence enough to suggest that there is at least some slackers if not outright undercover re-thuglicans among this group. Think about it, in the mother country you know Uncle Iosef ran a tightly ran operation. Yet even he seemed to find a number of slackers, wreckers, and traitors in the midst of the Party. I can say with certainty that once one of these new comrades step forward and does the right thing and denounces another, that we will find that there will be yet more to be denounced. Why, I get a tingly feeling down my leg just thinking about it! This just brings back memories of the first time I denounced my parents and siblings.... In fact, my late grandpup would tell you that the first words out of my mouth was a denouncement.

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Marshal Pup, apparently you haven't been reading any of the Party memos and dispatches that have been piling up on your Party issued desk in your Party issued cubicle here at Party HQ.

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Tuneage


Denounce myself, I'm not as equal
I let party down, I must be example
I search in self, Need reeducation
I forget self and put no one behind me

I must want nothing else
When my thoughts fail I denounce myself
Ooh I must want nothing else Oh no, oh no, oh no

The People's Cube makes us come running
It's Red Square that makes us shine
When you're around we're always happy
We follow party line

We close our eyes and red cubes are before us
Think we should die, If we do not obey you
A fool could see just how much we adore you
We melt all our fillings and build statue of you

I must want nothing else
When my thoughts fail I denounce myself
Ooh I must want nothing else Oh no, oh no, oh no

Denounce myself, I'm not as equal
I let party down, I must be example
I search myself, Need reeducation
I forget self and put no one behind me

Not equal as the rest
When thoughts fail I denounce myself
Ooh I must want nothing else
Oh no, oh no, oh no

I obey. I must want nothing else
And when thoughts fail I will denounce myself
Ooh, ooh, oo, oo ahh

I must want nothing else When my thoughts fail I will then
denounce myself Ooh I must want nothing else
Oh no, oh no, oh no

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Would whoever has the bottle of vodka pass it to Groucho ? Writing is hard work.

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Comrade Whoopie wrote:Marshal Pup, apparently you haven't been reading any of the Party memos and dispatches that have been piling up on your Party issued desk in your Party issued cubicle here at Party HQ.

As you know, I have been sharing an office with Kommissarka Pinkie for quite some time, and as you can imagine, it can be quite shall we say, distracting given the line of comrades that show up there looking for a shovel job....I mean a shovel ready job. Now I have heard rumors of another party issued desk, but am unsure where it might be located. Could you point me the way?

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Comrade Groucho, your self denunciation has warmed my socialist heart! There is nothing more cleansing and invigorating than a good self denunciation, and yours shows the heart of a true progressive. Yet I am still most disappointed in the lack of denunciations by any of these new comrades. How do they expect to ever reach the more equal status of the party without climbing on the bodies of others? I am beginning to suspect whether any of these new comrades have truly gotten into contact with their Inner Comrade™. Let's face it, even at their best, it would not take but a second for a seasoned comrade such as I, or Commissar Theorcritus, Comrade Betinov et al, to spot any number of reasons to denounce these newbies, yet they so far seem unable to detect even the whiff of ThoughtCrime™ in their fellow newbies. I guess they just don't raise them on the beet farm the way they used to.

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Most Glorious and Honorable Marshal Pupovich,

1) Since we are all equal here, I must denounce this idea of an Inner Circle, if ever such a thing existed it would surely ruin our Utopian dreams of equality. Although my meager titles were accrued through honorable permission slovish boot licking and loyalty lying and cheating, along with self sufficiency self debasement and talent and skills neediness, I do not consider them an honor and privilege in the service of the people, but rather a badge of my elitist superiority in the search for equality for The Common Good™ as any prog should. Our Dear Laika Hero Space Dog, Commissar Theocritus, and Red Square himself have seen to it that I have plenty of Jiffi-Lobos and a regular gulag beatings, as any cock-of-the-walk should.

2) The Party bunker, if it existed, would be reserved for nuclear fallout only. Any Party Elite, that of course don't exist, using the bunker for office space should be summarily denounced as a Rethuglican infiltrator bent on kapitalist activities, unless of course they are drinking vodka and plotting their next coo of a foreign power while they shoot the shit, that by all peoples rights would be acceptable to our ploy for world domination peace (the absence of opposition to socialism). Pssst... if you see Pinkie at Party Headquarters, don't tell her I stole the soap from The Party washroom.

3) Please disregard anything and everything I just wrote as mere babbling in my fear of the power you wield within the collective. It was inane foolery only meant to calm my shivering chicken legs in the presence of your shovel.

Most Glorious Comrade Leninka,

As a fellow recruit of the infamous and resolute Gang of Four, it is with great pleasure that I meet you here in this thread of our astute judge the drunken astute Marshal Pupovich. It was believed that our clan of debauchery would prove to be the downfall of world socialism, yet we have carried the torch of progressivism far and high in our time. Why I remeber only yesterday when Commodore Snoogy Woogums was but a mere prole, and now, to think, he is head of all The People's Navy! This is progress. Oh, and remember the day when you were but a bearded White-Male-Oppressor-Leninite-Hermaphrodite, and now just look at you... you are the vision of progress in our time.

Of course we have lost our glorious comrade Genoise Pieck to the trials of a capitalist world of exploitation and decadence, but what could be expected of a German comrade?

And now the question begs, are these new recruits the downfall of World Socialism in our stead? Are there rethuglikan infiltrators among us now, looking to get a bead on the collective? Do they want the same Utopian dreams we share for world domination peace?

Rethuglikans!?!?! Praise Stalin, say it ain't so...


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Marshal Pupovich, thank you for your gracious acceptance of my self denounciation. I took your initial request for the denouncement of fellow recruits with gravity as the willy nilly tossing about of denouncements could seriously annoy my fellow nearby comrades as the ensuing rifle fire verbal barrage sometimes tends be off the intended mark a bit quite severe.

Thank you again for your graciousness with me as I am certain I have not yet fully attained nor yet fully gotten in touch with my inner comrade. He did however wet himself when a late former comrade was denounced and subsequently shot in a hail of bulletsremoved from the gulag)

Thank you all for holding your fire giving me space to improve.

Humbly and unequal

Groucho Marxist

Raum Emmanual Goldstein
Marshal Pupovich wrote:Rahm, I appreciate your healthy attitude toward titles, and we are all indeed equal in our endeavors toward world socialism. However, I am more equal than most, and my title and duties were conferred upon me by first the Chairman, and then Red Square himself, who are even more equal. I would also point out that all of my promotions have followed my successful defense in a People's Trial. As a matter of fact, I hold the People's Trial record here. It is an excellent way to move up in the collective, if you survive. Perhaps you would like to take your chance? You would not have me shirk my duty would you comrade? If so, then I would be forced to denounce you.

I weep for you Comrade Pup…

That a canine of such distinguished service to the GreaterGood™ should fall prey to the trappings of his/her/its office so completely is truly tragic. Oh, how great the mighty have fallen.

You, my dear Pup, are in denial (and not that river in Egypt). Regardless of your past successes as an Inner Party member, you must accept the CurrentTruth™ as it is today...your past (which is not technically yours to begin with) is history (which is subject to change/deletion without notice as it may be convenient to the GreaterGood™ ), otherwise one may never progress. No matter how much more equally equal one is, until one has convinced the state that they no longer need titles and badges of office to affirm their worth, only then will they be (or remain) worthy of titles and badges of office.

As it is written: “He/She/It that gives up his/her/its titles and badges of office for the Dear Leader's sake shall keep them; and he/she/it that chose to retain their titles and badges of office shall lose them.”

I have been appointed to begin the new T.A. chapter here on the People's Cube.

(Note: one may obtain a copy of my long-form Certificate of Open Appointment by submitting a written request to the Office of the Director of Health for the State of Hawaii, along with the Registrar of Vital Statistics, Honolulu, Hawaii and file suit in your nearest Federal Court and wait until my term of office expires.)

It is my duty, Comrade, to have you review the twelve thirteen steps carefully and denounce yourself. I can no longer refer to you as “Marshal” as that would make me an “enabler” to your titling problem.

THE TWELVE THIRTEEN STEPS OF TITLE-HOLICS ANONYMOUS

1. We admitted we were powerless over our bourgeois need for titles and badges of rank—no matter how much we may have deserved them at one time.

2. Came to believe that only the Power [of the State] greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Dear Leader (AP&PBUH) as He portrayed Himself to the masses – or his designated representatives.

4. Made a searching and fearless amoral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to Dear Leader, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. We even signed a confession now filed in the State archives safely with Dear Leader's Long-Form Certificate of Live Birth (i.e. we made an open denunciation of ourselves)

6. Were entirely ready to have Dear Leader – or his designated representatives – remove all these defects of character. (Normally accomplished through a rigid physical regime akin to water boarding and electroshock therapy.)

7. Humbly asked Him – or his designated representatives – to remove our shortcomings. (Normally accomplished through a rigid physical regime akin to water boarding and electroshock therapy.)

8. Made a list of all persons who needed to be denounced, and became willing to denounce them no matter how many titles or badges of rank they chose to hide behind.

9. Made direct denunciations of such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure us.

10. Continued to take personal inventory of our ThoughCrimes and when we were wrong promptly denounced ourselves. [This step usually involves sticking a finger or other sensitive appendage into a light socket as long as our personal carbon credits allow or banging one's head with an A4-sized ¾-inch exterior plywood tablet.]

11. Sought through submissive appeal and meditation to improve our conscious contact with Dear Leader (AP&PBUH) as He portrayed Himself to the masses, beseeching only for knowledge of His will for us and the power [normally signified by a tingle up one's left leg] to carry that out.

12. Having had a truly progressive awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other Title-holics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

13. Repeat steps 1 through 12 as often as necessary to demonstrate your natural superiority worth to the collective.

...And the name is Raum, not Rahm. That is Raum as in “Lebensraum.” Consider yourself denounced!

Are there any others present who wish to admit they, too, have a problem?

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Red Rooster wrote:Most Glorious and Honorable Marshal Pupovich,

1) Since we are all equal here, I must denounce this idea of an Inner Circle, if ever such a thing existed it would surely ruin our Utopian dreams of equality.... I do not consider them an honor and privilege in the service of the people, but rather a badge of my elitist superiority in the search for equality for The Common Good™ as any prog should. Our Dear Laika Hero Space Dog, Commissar Theocritus, and Red Square himself have seen to it that I have plenty of Jiffi-Lobos and a regular gulag beatings, as any cock-of-the-walk should.

Comrade Red Rooster, I must admit I was a bit taken aback by that first line that suggested you were denouncing the Inner Circle, for that would surely have been a topic of great interest at the next meeting. However, I believe you atoned for this rather nicely with your defense of the honors and privilages that are granted to more equals for their outstanding work for the collective. Be sure to read my next response as well. Oh, and thanks so much for the video of my dear Uncle Iosef, it brightened my otherwise dull and proletarian like day.

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I must agree with comrade Raum. We come into this world to serve the collective, naked and helpless and when we inevitably outlive our usefulness to the Party, we go out the same way.

I myself eschew any titles. I am but a humble servant of the People at the beck and call of our esteemed Director. I was nothing when I came here and I will be nothing the day I'm purged. A non-person who never was.

It's a sad fact that the Party must continually seek out fresh leadership because so many have turned up missing. They just seem to disappear without so much as a "good bye, see you later" to their fellow comrades. Are the needs of the Party to be put on hold in the hope that someday they reappear?

Comrades, our standing in the Party is based on our current usefulness to the Party not on past accomplishments. Ask not what the Party can do for you, ask what you can do for the Party.

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Raum Emmanual Goldstein wrote: I weep for you Comrade Pup…

That a canine of such distinguished service to the GreaterGood™ should fall prey to the trappings of his/her/its office so completely is truly tragic. Oh, how great the mighty have fallen.

You, my dear Pup, are in denial (and not that river in Egypt). Regardless of your past successes as an Inner Party member, you must accept the CurrentTruth™ as it is today...your past (which is not technically yours to begin with) is history (which is subject to change/deletion without notice as it may be convenient to the GreaterGood™ ), otherwise one may never progress. No matter how much more equally equal one is, until one has convinced the state that they no longer need titles and badges of office to affirm their worth, only then will they be (or remain) worthy of titles and badges of office.

As it is written: “He/She/It that gives up his/her/its titles and badges of office for the Dear Leader's sake shall keep them; and he/she/it that chose to retain their titles and badges of office shall lose them.”

Comrade Raum, it is most distressing that I continue to see such imperialist, re-thuglican attitudes as I have seen in the postings of so many of late. There seems to be a pervasive lie being fostered in this group that suggests that all individuals are equal. I suppose that next I will see someone suggesting the tired old notion that "all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." We all know the source from which this foolishness derived, and don't imagine for a minute that I did not recognize, and I paraphrase, the superstitious inspiration for your "for he who gives shall keep and he who would keep shall lose." Try and pass that one by the Chairman, I know he will get a kick out of that as he counts his OPM. There were several other allusions to a discredited "Holy" book as well that pains me too much to mention in polite progressive society.

Progressive society has never suggested that all individuals are equal. Would any one have suggested that we could have easily had just anyone take on the task of Comrade Lenin? Could we have plugged just anyone into Uncle Iosef's place as he faced down the National Socialists all by himself? Even your missive acknowledged the superiority of the Dear Leader. No, our aim is for equal outcomes, not equality of the individual, and even in this, we shall fail until we have Caught, Convicted, Converted, and if successful, Collectivized every individual who would stray from the Collective Mind. In other words, surely no loyal party member would suggest that they are "equal to" some wrecker, traitor, closet imperialist etc.

Now I know there are some who would look at my party given title and area of responsibility, at my luxurious Zil and dacha, the pile of OPM hidden in my basement as suggesting that there is no equality with them. Would any one dare suggest that they can handle a shovel as well as Kommissarka Pinkie? Would anyone donate their brain to a jar for the Party such as Comrade Betinov? Who would volunteer to like the live of a Kennedy like our honored Chairman? However, the truth of People'sMath™ (discovered and patented by Comrade Brain in a Jar and myself), proves that our outcomes are indeed equal. Yet I do not need People'sMath to assure myself that there is equality of outcome, for I am also a master of the art of doublethink. In fact, I am doubleplusgood at doublethink.

I am heartened though by the spirited discussion that has arisen here, even if still disappointed by the lack of denunciations on the part of the newbies so far. After all, how can I learn who can be trusted and who cannot until I see them denounce one another?

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How about we start with denouncing Comrade Scratchanitch? So far he has failed to scratch one single itch. I believe I have already denounced Comrade Groucho Marxist somewhere along the line, although it was several Jiffi-Lobos back, so I can't quite remember when, where, or why.

Comrade Raum,

Your 12 step list in regards to Dear Leader was quite moving. I'm now more barf barf devoted to him than ever. It's Denver all over again.

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As a new comrade, I also denounce Groucho. By denouncing himself, he only brings attention to himself, which is a very unequal and denounce-able thing to do.

I would also denounce Raum, but his writings and insights are so much more Equal ™ than others, I just cannot bring myself to do it. Therefore, I also denounce myself for not be able to denounce Raum.

But please note that my self denouncement is different and more equal than Groucho's self denouncement.

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Denouncements? Is that all you want? Ok, if it will make you happy....

I denounce Marshal Pupovich for leaving slobber covered chew toys all over the carpet, licking his balls in front of company, humping the legs of female guests, chasing deer and pooping in the neighbor's yard.

Oh and I denounce that Jibaro guy for using more equal font sizes and abusing the "bold text" button on the editor for the rich.

And Pinkie, for whacking me when I don't deserve it as well as not whacking me when I do.

Then there's Buffoon, who has a hog farm and never once emailed me any pork chops or ribs.

Not to mention the Col. who insists on calling my AR-15 a mouse gun and a poodle shooter.

Oops, almost forgot Reiuxcat for aggravating my allergy to cat dander and in so doing, driving up the cost of health care.

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Are not some denouncements more equal than others? Just saying...

denouncedbythe one 4.gif

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Comrade Whoopie, I must point out that I was not seeking denounciations per se, rather I was hoping on getting to know this new group better by observing the quality of their denunciations of each other. Sure we old hands have plenty enough experience, but we must do what we can to keep the party strong up and down the experience ladder... a horizontal ladder if that pleases those who are less able to grasp the full beauty of collectivism.

BTW, I should point out to Comrade Raum that while I know there is great good to be found in denouncing one self, as I have done so many times in the past to great profit I might add.

But you know the truth Comrade Red Rooster, if I were to denounce myself now, I would be quickly set upon by the old guard for trying to advance myself yet again. It is for this reason that I refrain from this time honored practice.

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Oh heck Pup, just get caught up on some of the showtrials we've had in the last year. Mrs. Al, the Frau, Chedoh, Buffoon, Just a Car and Kook's showtrials were epics of denouncement.

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I think we need to give the self-denouncements a rest until after the general election. Right now we need to concentrate on convincing the bitter clingers that we don't hate them and the very essence of their being long enough to get elected. Then, once we have full control of the House and Senate firmly locked up (and that IS going to happen, comrades, do not doubt it! All is well! There is no crisis in campaign land!) THEN we can go back to denouncing ourselves and each other to reclaim the support of our real base and the mantle of the Vanguard of the Proletariat Revolution.

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Ivan Betinov wrote:...Then, once we have full control of the House and Senate firmly locked up (and that IS going to happen, comrades, do not doubt it! All is well! There is no crisis in campaign land!) THEN we can go back to denouncing ourselves and each other to reclaim the support of our real base and the mantle of the Vanguard of the Proletariat Revolution.

Comrade Brain in a Jar...when was the last time you had your fluid changed? If it weren't for the fact that I have known you for so long, have seen you on the burning barricades as we took on the Bush regime, why, I would be tempted to denounce you. But no doubt there was some good reason for this faux pas, right? Perhaps someone poured some second rate beet vodka into the jar?

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Marshal, there are some entirely UNFOUNDED rumors floating about that there may be some seats at risk in both houses in the upcomming election. I repeat, these concerns are entirely unfounded, but we all know the power of rumor on the weak minds of the electorate. Has not a certain non-person and avid yachtsman recently attempted to rehabilitate himself by denouncing the voters for being short of memory and easily swayed by a catchy slogan? (That in itself is a disturbing statement, as it could be applied to the election of His Obamaness himself...if of course we did not already know that His election was the clear call of the people demanding Hope and Change, not just swallowing an ambiguous, catchy slogan.)


With this in mind, I think it may be prudent to embrace a more moderate stance and tone down the rhetoric to make sure weak-minded voters remain convinced that their only salvation is to vote Democrat. Our candidates need to distance themselves from Health Care Reform, Cap and Trade, and the various Stimuli packages that our reactionary foes are making such a fuss about until after we have locked down complete control of the state apparat. THEN we can return to the business at hand and continue to dismantle the Capitalist/Imperialist state that is America and finally acheive the Glorious World of Next Tuesday.

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Proletariat Peabody wrote:As a new comrade, I also denounce Groucho. By denouncing himself, he only brings attention to himself, which is a very unequal and denounce-able thing to do.

I would also denounce Raum, but his writings and insights are so much more Equal ™ than others, I just cannot bring myself to do it. Therefore, I also denounce myself for not be able to denounce Raum.

But please note that my self denouncement is different and more equal than Groucho's self denouncement.

Comrade Proletariat Peabody, I am most pleased to see we have another courteous, courageous, committed commie canine to join myself and the Space Hero Dog Laika. An extra set of paws is always welcome as I am sure you have noticed by now, that the collective does suffer er.... support more than a reasonable share of fastidious and felonious felines. Leave it to the new dog in the collective to demonstrate to the other new faces how to denounce. I have little doubt that you will prove to be a rising star as you climb over the heads and broken limbs of your comrades.

Now far be it from me to show any favortism, it is just not a part of my makeup, but as it happens, you may well find that there a weekend pass to the Pup's Party Pleasure Palace attached to your beet ration which was "mistakenly" doubled.... oh, and your shovel just happened to be moved to the top of the list for sharpening.

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Comrade Whoopie wrote:....I denounce Marshal Pupovich for leaving slobber covered chew toys all over the carpet, licking his balls in front of company, humping the legs of female guests, chasing deer and pooping in the neighbor's yard.

And your point is?? Rank does have it's privileges.

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Comrade Marshall: I, too, had been worried outsiders trying to sully the good work of the collective from with in. Jiffy-lobo worked wonders, and now I spend each day staring off into the distance, drooling, and no longer worrying about subversives.

Raum Emmanual Goldstein
Marshal Pupovich wrote:Comrade Raum, it is most distressing that I continue to see such imperialist, re-thuglican attitudes as I have seen in the postings of so many of late. There seems to be a pervasive lie being fostered in this group that suggests that all individuals are equal. I suppose that next I will see someone suggesting the tired old notion that "all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." We all know the source from which this foolishness derived, and don't imagine for a minute that I did not recognize, and I paraphrase, the superstitious inspiration for your "for he who gives shall keep and he who would keep shall lose." Try and pass that one by the Chairman, I know he will get a kick out of that as he counts his OPM. There were several other allusions to a discredited "Holy" book as well that pains me too much to mention in polite progressive society.

Progressive society has never suggested that all individuals are equal. Would any one have suggested that we could have easily had just anyone take on the task of Comrade Lenin? Could we have plugged just anyone into Uncle Iosef's place as he faced down the National Socialists all by himself? Even your missive acknowledged the superiority of the Dear Leader. No, our aim is for equal outcomes, not equality of the individual, and even in this, we shall fail until we have Caught, Convicted, Converted, and if successful, Collectivized every individual who would stray from the Collective Mind. In other words, surely no loyal party member would suggest that they are "equal to" some wrecker, traitor, closet imperialist etc.

Now I know there are some who would look at my party given title and area of responsibility, at my luxurious Zil and dacha, the pile of OPM hidden in my basement as suggesting that there is no equality with them. Would any one dare suggest that they can handle a shovel as well as Kommissarka Pinkie? Would anyone donate their brain to a jar for the Party such as Comrade Betinov? Who would volunteer to like the live of a Kennedy like our honored Chairman? However, the truth of People'sMath™ (discovered and patented by Comrade Brain in a Jar and myself), proves that our outcomes are indeed equal. Yet I do not need People'sMath to assure myself that there is equality of outcome, for I am also a master of the art of doublethink. In fact, I am doubleplusgood at doublethink.

I am heartened though by the spirited discussion that has arisen here, even if still disappointed by the lack of denunciations on the part of the newbies so far. After all, how can I learn who can be trusted and who cannot until I see them denounce one another?

Ah, Pup! Doubleplusgood at doublethink? I think not!

First of all, I concur with your assessment that there are not enough denunciations amongst the our newest apparatchiks, but I must ask you not to change the subject.
The progressive ideal IS and must remain an enduring and perfected ideal of equality. That you have dared to quote the misguided musings of those dead white racists in order to buttress your continued revalry substance abuse reveals a great deal about you.

"All men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness?” Indeed! Bad Dog! You and I both know the “original intent” of this claptrap! These racist slave mongers and rich white landowners were only concerned with “equality of opportunity.” As one of my NAACP compatriots once said, how can a black man who started the race way back in the cotton fields ever hope to compete with white folk who started way up there in the manor house?

You are not so far from the truth, comrade, but such tactics in our ongoing (if spirited) dialogue also indicated that you lack the necessary degree of progressive sophistication and relative moral clarity to completely comprehend the ideal of being more equally equal than those you and I are more equal to. My diagnosis is that your title addiction is blinding you and you are caught in another progressive paradox. Please allow me to remove the splinter, comrade. Perhaps then you may be ready to pursue the thirteen steps.

Those ‘founders' (and I use that term loosely for purposes of decorum) were never concerned with equal outcomes. That whole thing about "created equal" was merely smoke-and-mirrors to cloud the masses to their perpetually exclusive power grab. It is all well and good to promote equal opportunity; sounds very nice and high minded. WE all know however that equal opportunity is a silly and patently illogical notion, as you have correctly pointed out. But we all know that a PROGRESSIVE definition of equality is far nobler and more acheivable.

As Progressives we seek Equality of Outcomes. We must be equal always. For where there is no equality (of outcomes), there is only class struggle. And where there is class struggle, there is no progress. For lack of progress, there can never be a utopia.

You see, my Dear Pup, we are indeed members of the intelligencia (to coin the eloquence of Comrade Stalin), but it is not something to be “lorded” over anyone. It may appear to you that the peasants (aka. the disenfranchised, welfare or voting class) and the working class (aka. Taxpayer class or those who have benefitted from life's lottery) and the intelligencia (that being “us”) somehow represent differing levels of social strata (with peasants at the bottom and the intelligencia at the top), but your assessment may be deemed as outmoded, imperialist thinking. This is an indication that you have not yet been thoroughly re-programmed, and may also be potentially guilty of ThoughtCrime.

Allow me to elaborate. Who benefits most from the Progressive ideal? Counterrevolutionary propaganda would say that the intelligencia benefit because they wield executive power over life and death necroproxy admissions non-life, get to consume all the luxury goods, toss around impressive titles and wear shiny, brass-plated badges of office. Those on the Cube who flag these trappings of office about and revel in them to excess are diseased with such vile, counterrevolutionary philosophies. In doing so, they unwittingly promote competition, a purely kapitalist ideology not fit for the gray matter of true progressives. That you refer to “MY” Zil and “MY” Dacha is indicative of your loss of progressive brain function…those things (and you I might add) belong to the state! Not to you! Your exhibition of selfish greed denotes Kapitalist, counterrevolutionary thought. It is also the final nail in your coffin collective composting bin.

So, who benefits most from the Progressive ideal? The proper answer may be the peasants (aka. the disenfranchised, welfare or voting class), they are empowered by the distillation of absolute democracy. Their need for social justice and fairness drives our agenda. They reap the beneficent fruits of our glorious labour (that of the working class AND the intelligencia combined). One could say that the Peasants are the higher strata, but this too is stilted, out-moded ideology unworthy of progressive understanding of the world as it is. If we allow the Peasants to be deemed as the elevated caste it invokes jealousy and competition for political power by the working class who may see such an elevation as “unfair,” and spark counterrevolutionaries to action (as witnessed by the teabagger movement) and undermine stabilisation of our Progress utopia. So, you see, there must never exist a stratification of the various societal functions. We all serve a purpose; we are all different (of course), but without envy-sparking distinction (with the possible exception of the Dear Leader (AP&PBUH)…and of course, Pinkie).

But we, in the intelligencia -- those of us who are more equally equal -- have perhaps the hardest role to play in this Utopia. We serve the others by ensuring they are protected from themselves through endless and byzantine regulation and faceless, mindless bureaucracy to thwart risk and personal responsibility for one's failures. We are the custodians of progressive history and counterculture, which are always subject to change, 24/7; we are always on call to do social justice. (Who do you think is responsible for those midnight knocks on the door?) We are constantly engaged in the complex and sophisticated mental and creative labor directed to the development and decimation dissemination of culture, encompassing all of progressive society. Much like the monks of the medieval era, we sacrifice our whole being to ensure the preservation and propagation of the Progressive gospel in an effort to pull the rest of the world – kicking and screaming if necessary – from the Kapitalist dark ages.

And like the monks of old, we subject ourselves to the self-flagellation of a modern materialistic society for the benefit of those we serve. It is up to us sacrifice ourselves to the filthy mire of the luxury goods and the trappings of the old-world caste system to protect our revolutionary brothers and sisters from the inherent evil inculcated within them. If you and I were not traipsing around naked in luxurious dachas, dining on medium-rare Kobe filets, and parading about town in armoured Zil limousines, then the others in society would war amongst themselves in neolithic competition for these scarce positions and consumer goods. We unselfishly offer up the bodies entrusted to us, to risk these hides to these perilous things in order to protect the general welfare. These titles and medals are not badges of honor, but burdens to be scorned! They are yolks we must bear in shame to preserve civilisation. No one should seek rank in our monastic order unless he/she/it is prepared to face even greater peril. We were “naturally selected” by order of our superior genetic make up to endure such pains.

These addictive substances have proven so destructive to a “free” society because those who use them too often abuse them and cause their neighbors to covet what they, obviously, have unfairly stolen. And we, who are equal to our brethren -- in every progressive and sophisticated sense of the word -- are potentially liable to abuse them as well (in spite of our superior genetics), which undermines the progressive ideal of complete equality and sparks yet another round of class warfare. If one of us has come to selfishly “enjoy” the Zil, the dacha, the Kobe beef filets; if one fills his/her/its business card with ponderous titles designed to impress the Collective, then one has fallen prey to the enticement towards self and societal destruction.

This is why, per capita, more of us in the intelligencia are so often purged when revolutionary ideology begins to wane. Who in the Soviet Union was first to suffer the wrath of Stalin after the initial tactical setbacks in the early days of the Great Patriotic War? It was the officer class. And with the recent downward trends in the Dear Leader's (AP&PBUH) poll numbers among likely non-necroproxies, it appears that another purge may soon be in order.

As it is written: “To whom much is given, much is required!” While we may have to bear the burdens -- the fatal trappings of higher office, -- we do not flaunt them to express our degree of worth to the collective. Our relative worth can really only be measured in the pious self-denial required of our 'monastic' order.

So, Pup, I will conclude this intervention with an appeal to whatever capacity for morally relative comprehension of party logic may remain. I only pray hope that not all of your brain cells have been destroyed by your materialist substance abuse.

There! I give you your "Ol' Time Revolution"! Now won't you now do the honorable thing and confess? I ask you before the Party apparatus airbrushes your existence out of the collective memory. At the very least you stand to be stripped of the title “Czar of Guilt,” for you are certainly in an apparently lack of this precious commodity.

For the rest of you, I apologise for the long winded diatribe. If you all will now please excuse me, I must now go punish myself in the hot tub and receive torturous manual machinations from Greta, my personal, er…”inquisitor

Oh! The horror….the horror.

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100% Infidel wrote:Comrade Marshall: I, too, had been worried outsiders trying to sully the good work of the collective from with in. Jiffy-lobo worked wonders, and now I spend each day staring off into the distance, drooling, and no longer worrying about subversives.

Jiffy-lobo will indeed work wonders, just as it did wonders for Commissar Theocritus's subsidies. Not that I bemoan the clever way he slipped in with his franchise that has grown to one of the busiest industries in the collective, for he did it the old fashioned way....by purloining the process from others and climbing on the supine bodies of fallen comrades. For you see, and I for one do not enjoy tooting my own horn, but this process was developed by your humble Marshal as you can see here - the Original Jiffy-lobo However, while my process was developed and used on those poor unfortunate comrades that found their way into my Ministry of Mental Health and Eco Prostitution whether by court order or other means, Commissar Theocritus was able to take my work and develop it into a franchise where even the non-committed could have themselves "cleansed" and it actually became a procedure that comrades came to enjoy.

Now I am not complaining mind you, seeing how unknown to the Commissar Theocritus, I receive a generous subsidy for the equipment that is used.

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Ah Marshall, that picture is truly worth a thousand testimonies. If you had been a greeeeedy KKKapitalist, you would have trademarked the original Obotomy, but by not doing so, you have proven yourself to be a true freind of the People™ . I would denounce Commissar Theocritus, but I don't want to mess up your gravy trainsubsidies. (Plus the fact that I beleive the Commissar is holding some pretty damning evidence on me)

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Much more equal Marshall Pupovitch, you are to be commended on all the Children ™ you have saved from the horrors of back alley drill bits.

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