Investigation Reveals Conservatism is Hoax

With John McCain the inevitable GOP primary winner, it appears the conservative movement is dead. We here at USSA Today wanted to investigate the cause of its inevitable fall. So we embarked on an exhausting search for the truth.

To guarantee our findings would be accurate, we took a wide sample of nearly twelve dozen conservatives in two counties of Vermont. Participants filled out questionnaires in private sound proof rooms. The results told a story that we in the media always knew.

There never was a real conservative movement; it was all hyped by a few individuals. Our unbiased investigation shines a bright light on the whole shallow story of what conservatives are about. It can be put into two words...

Not much!

So called conservatives can be categorized into five segments.

• 2% who are actual conservatives with core conservative values. So rare that it's abnormal.
  
• 12% are just acting out issues they have with their parents.
  
• 28% that are really libertarians without a candidate they support.
  
• 28% are just mentally ill and are influenced by radio waves.
  
• 30% think God talks to them and/or the Bible tells them how to vote.

The reason for the inability of the American people to see through this sham is because Ronald Reagan was a masterful con-artist. Not until his death did the illusion start to crumble. Until finally the pressures of this election cycle gave the movement its death blow.

This news is sure to bring a large sigh of relief across the country, or at lest with the people we know.

The King Is Dead - Long Live The Red Queen!
-Maksim

/// off karakter

I recently read a very similar article in the New York Times, called Turning the Triple Play by David Frum who tried to explain to the liberal NYT audiences the meaning of the current split among the conservatives. The similarities are striking.
<br>Although Frum's credentials include being at one time a speech writer for George W. Bush, I had the impression that the article was written by some condescending liberal NYT staff writer who was making wild guesses about how American conservatives really think and how they live, and whose main source of information were Paul Krugman's articles in the same NYT about the "strife of the poor," and disingenuous Hollywood movies like About Schmidt.

David Frum is originally from Canada which is closer to the US than the Motherland, so he must know this stuff better than I do. Yet I couldn't shake off the feeling that I was reading a submission to the People's Cube satirizing the wacky progressive view of the conservatives. So please tell me who is the crazy guy here - me or former Bush's speech writer David Frum?

Frum is clearly one of our very own useful idiots Red. Praise Lenin he didn't write about the divisions among our progressives.

My experience tells me that young people rarely turn to conservatism as a form of "rebellion". Most of them turn into anarchists or communists, but deep down, they are all still commies... and douche bags.

Not so sure Premier Betty. in my investigations, I have heard some traitors that said they rebelled against their progressive parents by being conservative, and then claiming they were the better for it. I believe it began with that hideous tv show in the 80's where this Alex Keaton drove his poor progressive parents crazy with his love of Reagan and capitalism.

Premier Betty wrote:My experience tells me that young people rarely turn to conservatism as a form of "rebellion". Most of them turn into anarchists or communists, but deep down, they are all still commies... and douche bags.

//OFF//
This reminds me of a friend from my 1980 L.A. punk rock days who is a self-described Marxist. Over the years I have tried to gently sway him. Debating him is impossible because he doesn't attempt to defend his positions; he simply rants evil Cheney, Halliburton, blah, blah, blah… So it's been difficult.

Recently after I made a simple yet solid case for GWOT, he admitted regardless the logic he would never change his views. His reason was because he was raised by ultra-conservative, religious right parents and long ago he made his stand against them and nothing was ever going to change that. This is a man in his mid forties still holding parent issues. It's quite sad.

It just supports my belief that the ideology of the left is not founded in Reason, but in emotion. It's no wonder it attracts so many emotionally unstable people.

35% - Bush made me do it.

I like Hasan's idea. A true scientific pie chart made by progressive liberals should always have a total sum of points greater than 100%. Isn't it how it has always worked for them in the field of economics?

The Congress is currently getting ready to issue "tax rebates" for people who don't pay taxes. All the interested pressure groups are raising their heads. To keep them all happy, the pie chart must show a total sum of 2,345% of the funds scheduled to be given away.

- 53% to welfare recipients
- 35% to seniors
- 23% to toddlers
- 22% to those who take public transportation or ride bicycles
- 25% to subprime mortage borrowers
- 25% to subprime mortage lenders
- 18% to students who score above average
- 81% to students who score below average
- 25% to anyone who gets a Party Organ Donor Card and signs away his body and all its internal organs to be used as one or more Democrat voters for all of eternity upon their death
- 43% to those who don't pay any taxes
- 2% to those who pay taxes because they're earning income anyway
... and so on...

That's the tax rebate pie chart I could live with!

25% to anyone who gets a Party Organ Donor Card and signs away his body and all its internal organs to be used as one or more Democrat voters for all of eternity upon their death

Hot Damn! PAYDAY!!!!

35% rebate increase for buyers of hybrid cars, even though they do nothing to stop non-existent man-made global warming.

Actually Red, is it that hard to imagine percentages that add up greater than 100% when the categories are not exclusive? After all, we know for example that 92% of the brain dead are liberal, and 81% ride bicycles to save the plant and 100% rely on Daily Kos and the MSM for their marching orders.

I like all the percentages given for the number of people who die each year for all the various reasons. If you go by that, we are all dead.

I think we should stop using the word "taxes." It only confuses people. For those that are to finance the government we should say that they have a Negative Rebate.

The Internal Revenue Service should print yearly Rebate forms, as opposed to tax forms, to calculate how much the government is going to give you, not how much you are going to give them. But even the word "rebate" isn't right. Hmmm...

Entitlement forms. That's what it should be. Instead of tax forms there should be yearly Entitlement forms that you fill out. Some people get an Entitlement, some people get a Negative Entitlement.

On the other paw Comrade Otis, couldn't one also make the argument that only the government, hence us, are entitled? The term entitlement suggests that even the common prole is entitled to some of our ca$h, and clearly that is not the case. Perhaps we should simply call them contributions, those that we deem worthy of getting a "return" would be called a negative or reduced contribution, and those who pay a positive contribution.

Comrades, I have infiltrated Google. What are my orders???

• 2% who are actual conservatives with core conservative values. So rare that it's abnormal.

• 12% are just acting out issues they have with their parents.

• 28% that are really libertarians without a candidate they support.

• 28% are just mentally ill and are influenced by radio waves.

• 30% think God talks to them and/or the Bible tells them how to vote.

///off character

Did someone just take a pie chart just like that with the word "liberal" in place of "conservative", and switch them around?