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Left-handers: the last frontier of social justice

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Before adjourning for Christmas, Congress voted unanimously to recognize August 13th as National Left-Handers Day. The day has been unofficially celebrated by the National Left Hander's Club since 1996 and is also observed by several progressive evangelical denominations as the Feast of Leftus.

At a hastily convened news conference, Club spokesperson Ian Radburn hailed the vote as a symbolic but significant first step in raising awareness of Right Privilege, the difficulties and inconveniences of living in a right-handed world, and coming of age in a right-dominant culture and society.

Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell said, “The stars are now aligned to include crimes against left-handed persons in federal hate-crimes legislation. Left-Handed persons constitute an estimated 7-10 percent of the world's population. If this doesn't qualify them for minority/victim status, what does? This is the next logical step in our quest for universal social justice. This Congress will not rest until every aggrieved group and subgroup gets its due.”

Prominent left-handers were quick to praise the action. Barack Obama, a left-hander, praised the vote as a long time in coming. “As a biracial, androgynous left-hander, I suffered egregious torment growing up in a white, sexually-confident, right-dominant world.” He ordered that only the left-wing of the White House be illuminated for the indefinite future.

Former Los Angeles Dodgers great, Sandy Koufax, tearfully recalled the injustices suffered as a left-handed child. He vowed from an early age, he said, to use his left hand as a scourge against right-handed people. He went on to strike out over 2,500 right-handed batters during his ten-year career. He tearfully quoted passages from the biography of his childhood hero, the late pitcher Lefty Groves. In Growing Up Lefty, Groves chronicled the pain and torment of being a left-handed child, writing, “I lost count at an early age of how many times I cried myself to sleep for having been born left-handed.”

Radburn called the crusade against the injustices suffered by left-handed people as the last frontier in the battle for social justice. “Between seven and ten percent of the world's population is estimated to be left-handed. Yet, right-handed people get over 90% of the jobs, and over 90% of college admissions. This is the 21st Century, yet our right-dominant capitalist economic system has never produced a left-handed hammer, a left-handed saw, or a left-handed cell-phone. We still eat with right-handed kitchen utensils. We still labor in the kitchen with right-handed stoves, right-handed toasters, and right-handed can openers."

"Our society has made huge inroads in the struggle against crimes of race, gender, and sexual orientation. Such crimes are now officially recognized as hate crimes. Yet, the injustices suffered by left-handed people go largely unacknowledged and unaddressed. We will not stand down until crimes against the manually-different are included in hate-crimes legislation," said Radburn.

As late as 2001, left-handedness was still designated by the American Psychiatric Association as a mental disorder. Parents of left-handed children often demanded shock therapy as a treatment for their left-handed offspring. In 2002, in response to numerous lawsuits by the Club and affiliated groups, the Association dropped left-handedness from its list of treatable disorders and permanently banned shock treatment for left-handedness.

Parents once resorted to numerous backward, cruel, and physically painful methods of home-treatment such as tying their children's left arms behind their backs or attaching heavy weights or stones to their left arms. Under the proposed hate-crimes legislation, parents and guardians guilty of such practices would face stiff fines and penalties.

Like so many social movements of the last half-century, the Left-Handed Movement has taken root on our college and university campuses. Several now have forbidden the use of the term “lefty” to refer to left-handers. A few have designated it as hate-speech.

The Charter of the Left-Handers Club calls the L-word “a divisive and hateful construct of right-handed superiority and privilege.” Several colleges now forbid athletic coaches from using the word “southpaw” in reference to left-handed athletes. Some are considering the establishment of left-handed safe zones.

“The speed of justice is slow, yet sure,” said Radburn. “The Club will mobilize and organize and agitate until we have eliminated the last vestiges of manual discrimination.”

In closing, Radburn announced that former Beatle Paul McCartney, left-handed since birth, has promised to donate 10% of the proceeds from his ongoing tour to the Left-Handers Club. In his message to the Club, McCartney wrote, “You have no idea how difficult it was being a left-handed guitarist. I was constantly ridiculed, even after Sgt. Pepper, and it is all but impossible to buy left-handed guitars. I have to have them specially made.”

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Right on! And left-on in equal measure!

In the past I wrote about discrimination against the tone-deaf people, demanding equal access for them to musical professions, mandatory attendance of their performances by concert-going audiences, and government-enforced quotas of tone-deaf records in music stores.

I know it's not the same because left-handedness is not a real impairment while tone-deafness is, but here's a picture that brings them together:

Lefthanded_Musician.png

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On another note, "the last frontier of social justice" sounds great, but what about the left-handed animals? We will really reach the last frontier of social justice when we start campaign for the rights of left-handed mammals, birds, fish, and insects!

Animal_Liberation.png

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The right hand is the wrong hand when it comes to wiping your butt, says the Quran. Fortunately I'm left-handed. The rest of you, the sinistrally challenged, had better watch your butts.

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My Our ENTIRE Peoples' Beet Kollecktiv has voted - unanimously - to become Left-Handed! Any "person" in our Kollecktiv who exhibits any shameful "Right-Handed Tendencies" (ptui, ptui) will be Instantly Denounced, and Tried In Our Local Peoples' Court for Crimes Against The People! Solidarity With The Lefties!

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As an unfortunate member of the privileged class, I believe it to be a most important act to publicly acknowledge and demonstrate guilt for my right-privilege.

One cannot tighten a screw in this society without being reminded of, and feeling ashamed for, one's privileged class. As such, I am calling for the manufacturers of The People's Cube to take up the burden of providing for a most equal tool that will undoubtedly be a step to ending right-privilege... the most brilliant and long overdue... left-handed screwdriver.

SDDROB42R.jpg

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Comrades. Too many of our late great art-ists have fallen victim to the pressures of being in the under privileged class of lefties. Having to live a life holding one's guitar upside down and having to string it backwards has proven to be an insurmountable burden that has led to lives of drug addiction and suicide. These atrocities of social injustice must stop NOW!!

Victim... James Marshall Hendrix
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Victim... Kurt Donald Cobain
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Hmmm... I am in a bit of a corundum. I'll give a biotite on this one.

Let's say someone in particular uses both hands equally...

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Hammer and Loupe wrote:Hmmm... I am in a bit of a corundum. I'll give a biotite on this one.

Let's say someone in particular uses both hands equally...
Indeed, indeed, we must rise up in revolt against ambiphobia!

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Hammer and Loupe wrote:Hmmm... I am in a bit of a corundum. I'll give a biotite on this one.

Let's say someone in particular uses both hands equally...
Someone in particular who can use both hands equally must be purged. We simply cannot have such persons among us.

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El Presidente wrote:
Hammer and Loupe wrote:Hmmm... I am in a bit of a corundum. I'll give a biotite on this one.

Let's say someone in particular uses both hands equally...
Someone in particular who can use both hands equally must be purged. We simply cannot have such persons among us.

The Party has ways of making them equal... We may have to appropriate the Islamic practice of theft deterrence.

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El Presidente wrote:As an unfortunate member of the privileged class, I believe it to be a most important act to publicly acknowledge and demonstrate guilt for my right-privilege.

One cannot tighten a screw in this society without being reminded of, and feeling ashamed for, one's privileged class. As such, I am calling for the manufacturers of The People's Cube to take up the burden of providing for a most equal tool that will undoubtedly be a step to ending right-privilege... the most brilliant and long overdue... left-handed screwdriver.

SDDROB42R.jpg

While we're talking about screwdrivers, Comrade Presidente, What about the way you turn screws? The old righty tighty, lefty-loosy? This implies that people who are right-handed are more stable than left-handed people! We need screws that don't turn! Wait, those are NAILS! And you know what you use to install nails? HAMMERS! What's on the Glorious Soviet Flag? A sickle and A HAMMER! You may say that this debate was solved a long time ago because of this, but I'd say that this is another aspect of the Glorious Worker's Emblem that we have not yet seen until now. Another People's Revolutionary Eureka brought to us by the Glorious Party Organ of the Eternal Future!

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Comrade Stierlitz wrote:
El Presidente wrote:As an unfortunate member of the privileged class, I believe it to be a most important act to publicly acknowledge and demonstrate guilt for my right-privilege.

One cannot tighten a screw in this society without being reminded of, and feeling ashamed for, one's privileged class. As such, I am calling for the manufacturers of The People's Cube to take up the burden of providing for a most equal tool that will undoubtedly be a step to ending right-privilege... the most brilliant and long overdue... left-handed screwdriver.

SDDROB42R.jpg

While we're talking about screwdrivers, Comrade Presidente, What about the way you turn screws? The old righty tighty, lefty-loosy? This implies that people who are right-handed are more stable than left-handed people! We need screws that don't turn! Wait, those are NAILS! And you know what you use to install nails? HAMMERS! What's on the Glorious Soviet Flag? [highlight=#FFFF00]A sickle and A HAMMER[/highlight]! You may say that this debate was solved a long time ago because of this, but I'd say that this is another aspect of the Glorious Worker's Emblem that we have not yet seen until now. Another People's Revolutionary Eureka brought to us by the Glorious Party Organ of the Eternal Future!

Comrade,

Don't forget the sickle - there is no better People's Tool™ for removing those troublesome ambidextrous appendages.

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Comrade Stierlitz wrote:While we're talking about screwdrivers, Comrade Presidente, What about the way you turn screws? The old righty tighty, lefty-loosy? This implies that people who are right-handed are more stable than left-handed people! We need screws that don't turn! Wait, those are NAILS!
You nailed it comrade. Nails are more equal than screws. But don't we need left handed hammers?

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El Presidente wrote:
Comrade Stierlitz wrote:While we're talking about screwdrivers, Comrade Presidente, What about the way you turn screws? The old righty tighty, lefty-loosy? This implies that people who are right-handed are more stable than left-handed people! We need screws that don't turn! Wait, those are NAILS!
You nailed it comrade. Nails are more equal than screws. But don't we need left handed hammers?

No, the Hammer is an absolute symbol of Kommunist equality! It doesn't matter which hand you use it with, it still does the same amount of damage and work!

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Konservative_Punk wrote:
El Presidente wrote:
Hammer and Loupe wrote:Hmmm... I am in a bit of a corundum. I'll give a biotite on this one.

Let's say someone in particular uses both hands equally...
Someone in particular who can use both hands equally must be purged. We simply cannot have such persons among us.

The Party has ways of making them equal... We may have to appropriate the Islamic practice of theft deterrence.
HA! HA! HA! Good one comrades! It is just a someone. Such a capitalistic idea to use both hands, yes sir! All of us comrades do not use two hands, heh...

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Hammer and Loupe wrote: HA! HA! HA! Good one comrades! It is just a someone. Such a capitalistic idea to use both hands, yes sir! All of us comrades do not use two hands, heh...

I use both hands. I got them to work as a team too. The right one does all the dirty work in the basement of whipping things into shape while the left one stays on the ground floor to monitor the situation, give command, hold the pretty pictures, and retrieve the cupcakes as an in-field snack. I once tried to get them to both do dirty work but there was absolutely no direction to the operation, there was clearly not enough room for them both to work, and what should've taken 10-15 minutes took 3 hours.


 
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