Fellow comrades,

As I was entering my premium gas-guzzling Smart-kart™ this morning, heading off to the beet field with shovel in tow, the Progressive Cloud of Guilt™ descended upon my publikly-skooled inner sponge. The 'red flag' waving before my mind's eye read: "ADDICTED TO OIL". I was taken aback with horror as I pondered: "I've done my part for Mother Gaia™with the purchase of my sensible toy kart. I even went so far as to fasten a "MY OTHER CAR IS A PRIUS" bumper sticker on what is euphemistically called a 'bumper'. I even have my suction cup sign hanging in the back window declaring, "I BRAKE FOR ANIMALS!". What more is a responsible, caring, tolerant, reasonable prole to do?!!"
~

MY KART IS ADDICTED TO OIL!!! But, I asked myself, "how can this be??? I wasn't aware that my kart runs on anything other than petroleum-based fossil fuels. Isn't an addiction something that is formed from a behavioral habit based on a sentient desire of choice??? Just thinking about this was causing my head to hurt. "If we can talk to trees, rocks, and Mother Gaia, then why can't I ask my kart what its energy preferences are?"Afterall, the media is constantly writing stories about SUVs having a conscience of their own making their own decisions to kill and maim despite the will of the owner/operators." BINGO! The answer came to me just as fast as the Progressive Cloud of Guilt™ descended!

I went up to my kart and asked it: "Kart, would you prefer to run on something other than evil, expensive, dirty premium fuel?" At first the kart didn't respond to my inquiries. Then the thought came (I think it came subliminally from the consciousness of my kart... sort of like telepathy) "I'd like to run on water, please." BINGO again! WATER!!! My Smart-kart™ was asking me to use water instead of gas! (Maybe that's why it's called a "SMART" kart because it knows more than you do!).

I proceeded to remove the filthy, evil liquid—that gave Haliburton, George Bush and Dick Cheney their billions—from the fuel tank. And then I brought out my garden hose, turned on the water spigot and proceeded to fill the tank with cool, clean, fresh—WATER! As the tank was approaching full, I could actually feel a physical sigh of relief as the Progressive Cloud of Guilt™ lifted off my entire being. As the water gurgled to the top of the tank, I happily twisted the gas cap on with a big smug smile on my face. I sure showed them!

There are so many "addictions" plaguing our near-utopian kollective today: Unions are 'addicted' to unrealistic wages and benefits, welfare queens and homeless bums are 'addicted' to a myriad of substances (and non-substances) ranging from [D]oprah, to The View, to Obama Stash™ checks coming in the mail every week. And then some 'addictions' are forced, such as the progressive doctrines publik skool kids get to receive by their unionized 'addicted' teachers and administrators, just the same as innocent female bar-goers might get a 'mickey' in their drink to cause them to do things they normally wouldn't do. There are many who are 'addicted' to a daily diet of lies and non-truths... perversions and moral decay. A so-called "religion of peace" has many who are 'addicted' to the dogma of a pedophile who created it to overcome his other inadequacies (and to make the little girls swoon). Government poltroons are 'addicted' to their own self-importance trading off sound reasoning for intellectual bankruptcy and a perverse penchant for projectionism that usually ends up in self-professed "prophesies" backfiring in their effort to becoming fulfilled. The real 'addictions' go ignored while the imaginary ones live in infamy along with Grimm's Fairytales.

As my thoughts returned to more... civil-thinking, I put the key into the ignition and turned it. The engine started to crank and sputter. I proceeded this process several times to no avail. The engine just cranked and cranked until the battery started to wear down. Was I approaching this the right way? Does the kart need to go someplace for a "12-Step" recovery program for oil addiction? Should I call "dick" Durbin, Nanski Peloski, or "dirty" Harry Reid for advice? Surely they would know what to do since they always cry about being "addicted to oil" the most!

I did the only thing any self-respecting intelligent prog would do: I begged and pleaded with my kart. With all the Progressive Caring™ and Compassion™ I could muster, I proceeded with my entreaty:"Please Smart-kart™... PLEASE START! I don't want to see you addicted to evil OIL! You have a choice! You don't have to be like this!!!" But as much as I begged and pleaded, and appealed, Smart-kart™ was hopelessly lost in an unresponsive watery coma comfortably numb in its petroleum-based 'addiction'. I was greived to my core over my inability to have a positive impact and making a difference.

As I called the auto wrecker to come pick up what was now an inoperable piece of scrap metal, I wondered about my own 'addiction' to the blood in my veins; to the air I'm forced to breath all the time; to my beating heart that just does what it wants to do without asking me. These, too, are ALL reasonable 'addictions', comrades. Should we assign ALL 'addictions' as evil as the Rethuglikkkan Party™?

The auto-wrecker came and loaded up my Smart-kart™. As I watched him drive away, a thought bolted through my progressive brain... a short glimmer of reality ignored: "The only REAL 'addiction' any progressive/liberal can count on as the day is long is to FOOLISHNESS and STOOPIDITY"

I then went back into my dacha; poured me a vodka and made a toast to the Progressive World of Next Tuesday™.

Comrade Whinny wrote:Fellow comrades,

The auto-wrecker came and loaded up my Smart-kart™. As I watched him drive away, a thought bolted through my progressive brain... a short glimmer of reality ignored: "The only REAL 'addiction' any progressive/liberal can count on as the day is long is to FOOLISHNESS and STOOPIDITY"
I then went back into my dacha; poured me a vodka and made a toast to the Progressive World of Next Tuesday™.

Comrade Lefty:
I once knew a man in Key West who was missing his left arm. Not coincidentally his name was also Lefty. He also had a drinking problem. Perhaps you got your dialogue slightly out of chronological order and were drinking the Vodka before substituting our endangered water supply for petrol in your Kart. If I may suggest: Dear Leader is planning his new Energy Policy for his second term and it will be based on Unicorn farts. You need to get on board this bus and start raising Unicorns!

Comrade Pavlovski wrote:Comrade Lefty:
I once knew a man in Key West who was missing his left arm. Not coincidentally his name was also Lefty. He also had a drinking problem. Perhaps you got your dialogue slightly out of chronological order and were drinking the Vodka before substituting our endangered water supply for petrol in your Kart. If I may suggest: Dear Leader is planning his new Energy Policy for his second term and it will be based on Unicorn farts. You need to get on board this bus and start raising Unicorns!

Well-intentioned comrade,

I'm Comrade Whinny; not "Lefty" BTW...

Water is cheap, plentiful and available. Every time you drink you urinate, thus replenishing the supply. And thus it is with the Circle of Recyclable/Reusable Energy™. The real endangerment is with our "Addiction to Oil™",or our "addiction" to daily defecation, or our "addiction" to having blood in our veins instead of plentiful sulfuric acid, or our "addiction" to fantasy nonsense that defines the progressive realities of non-substance.

Unicorn farts come and go, but "addictions" are forever.

Comrade Whinny wrote:
...As my thoughts returned to more... civil-thinking, I put the key into the ignition and turned it. The engine started to crank and sputter. I proceeded this process several times to no avail. The engine just cranked and cranked until the battery started to wear down. Was I approaching this the right way? Does the kart need to go someplace for a "12-Step" recovery program for oil addiction? Should I call "dick" Durbin, Nanski Peloski, or "dirty" Harry Reid for advice? Surely they would know what to do since they always cry about being "addicted to oil" the most!

Hmmm....when we see patients here in the hospital in the Peoples' Republic of Ann Arbor who are addicted to alcohol, the doctors give them ativan while they are withdrawing. Maybe you need to give the Smart Kart some ativan.

Ativan with a tequila chaser (preferably Cabo Wabo) is the recommended way to go for combustion engine based addicted vehicular modes of transport.

Just sayin'.

I agree Smart-kart™ was addicted to that aweful subsidized corn liquor stuff that we hear is the viable alternative to oil (or as we say, "earl"). But Smart-kart™ wanted water instead. He told me so in a telepathic, MTE Hillary-séance-style similar to channeling Eleanor Roosevelt's spirit.

Sometimes not everything our karts ask for is for its own good. 4Loco is also a good alternative (but you didn't hear that from me).