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Michelle Obama headed for a convent?

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The latest hot rumor swirling around Washington D.C. concerns the soon-to-be-ex First Lady of the United States.

Bitterly disappointed that Donald Trump was elected president, a mad-at-the-world Michelle Obama has been contacting nunneries in the United States seeking to retire to a life of contemplation. This reporter was able to obtain a copy of one response she received from a convent in California.

Dear Mrs. Obama,

Let me start by saying how honored we all feel that you have chosen our humble retreat for possible relocation as you transition into your new life. This is certainly the first time that a major contemporary figure such as yourself has expressed interest in joining our group of sisters to dedicate her heart and soul to serving the less fortunate in our society.

However, after careful consideration and a good deal of prayer in search of divine guidance we have decided that we are unable to offer you a position as one of our sisters. Please accept our profound apologies and allow me explain.

1. It would not be long before word reached the outside world that you had joined us, leading to notoriety at a level that we are not equipped to handle. Though we welcome visitors as part of our mission, TV cameras parked nearby for days on end to watch your every move would seriously disrupt our daily routines.

2. Your request that a security detail be allowed access to our grounds puzzled us in the extreme. Surely, you must realize that the protection of Our Lord is quite sufficient to make sure that sisters are safe from harm.

3. In addition to private prayer and the daily cycle of services, sisters are expected to perform duties such as cooking and cleaning. Frankly, we do not see someone who has lived in the White House for eight years and is used to servants waiting hand and foot, carrying out tasks that you probably never did even as a young girl.

4. As you must be aware, the sisters all wear black and their heads are covered at all times in public. Fancy shoes, visits to the hairdresser, and grooming services considered normal on the outside are not allowed here. As a sister, you would have no need to be concerned about your appearance. We doubt that you would accept this condition.

5. A vow of poverty is expected, meaning that you would need to declare your full assets and then donate their value either to our convent or to other organizations of your choosing. Once inside our walls, we will see to it that your earthly as well as spiritual needs are looked after. We doubt that you would accept this condition.

I hope the above considerations sufficiently explain our decision. Please feel free to contact us if you have any questions.

Respectfully,

[signature illegible]

Mother Superior

More on this story as developments become available.

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... aaaaand (behind closed door, sure) also this request of the novice was discussed :

...

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So Michelle wants to have a reality-show version of Sister Act? Not really an adequate replacement for Whoopi Goldberg, but she could give the Kardashians a run for their money.

She may even be planning to replace Whoopi in all her roles, given that it's usually one and the same role of the Magical Negro. Michelle, too, can play that part. Less funny and more bitter, but nonetheless.

Magical_Negro.jpg


 
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