My Multiple Inner Comrades™ Syndrome

While most people simply have to find their Inner Comrade™, I was blessed, or perhaps cursed with 14 Inner Comrades. Plus several Inner Capitalist Swine. I believe I have purged the Inner Capitalists, but I am not sure.

After some self examination, I have identified the 14 Inner Comrades, and their politics.

#1, Comrade Ivan. A devout Marxist-Leninist. Originally served in The Great Patriotic War as a practice target for training new Soviet Snipers. Doesn't say much, and is always brooding.

#2, Comrade Fred. A Trotskyite from Los Angeles. Likes cookies and blunt objects.

#3, Comrade X. A comrade from the future, Comrade X embraces the true socialism of 3000 years in the future. He tells me that Obama is as widely revered as Glaxnurk The Great, Bringer of Universal Socialism, Health Care, and Sufficient Supplies of Toilet Paper. Is usually hunkered down over a treatise, and muttering about how backwards today's socialists are, despite being close to the original root of Marxism-Obamaism.

#4, Comrade Josef. A violent sociopath. Does things with a shovel that would frighten Pinkie. Believes Stalin was too soft on people.

#5, Comrade Barbie. A cross dressing hermaphrodite paraplegic. Originally from Chernobyl. Believes Obama will find a health care plan that will cure s/he/it.

#6, Commissar Hank. A backwoods good ol' boy who is also a practitioner of Juche. Hopes the North Koreans successfully launch a "satellite" at Washington DC, in order to liberate the USA from the evils of Capitalism. Also passes a lot of gas.

#7, Comrade Sergei. Likes pie, voted for Hillary. Also speaks four languages, three of them unknown to this earth.

#8,9,and 10. No names other than their numbers, these three Inner Comrades(TM) are fervent Maoists who distrust Russians, believe they hold the true roots of Marxism, and also make some very good fried rice.

#11, Comrade Violet. Former KGB assassin. Likes icepicks and small pellets of highly radioactive materials. Drank the wrong radioactive drink at a party in 1979.

#12, Comrade Jose. Cuban revolutionary who served with Che. Likes to denounce anyone he sees.

#13, Comrade Pham Van Duc. Enjoys toiling in the rice fields for The Greater Good.

#14, Comrade Free Moonbeam. Radical 1960's hippie who thinks Obama is the reincarnation of all great socialist leaders who died before him.

There you go comrades. I may never know which of my Inner Comrades™ are in charge when I start typing but now you have a better chance of knowing who is talking!


 

And, based on your previous confessions, Commissar, I presume each of your 14 inner comrades owns an individual firearm and has a license with his own name on it.

Let's just hope none of them decides to commit suicide, or we'll have serious collateral damage on our hands.
 

Comrade Red Square, did I just get a promotion, or were you speaking to Comrade Hank, who is the commissar of my little mental collective?

Strangely enough I do have about as many firearms to arm each of my Inner Comrades(TM). (And of course for an out of karakter moment here, I do not hear voices in my head, do not have multiple personalities, nor am prone to start shooting stuff up. What a sad world we live in when one feels compelled to make a disclaimer like this. I'm not worried about Cube members, but who knows who else wanders through....)

In the Washington Collective one does not need a license to own a firearm, or to even openly carry one. Only to conceal a handgun, and those are issued to anyone with $60, a set of fingerprints, a clean criminal and mental health record, and no outstanding warrants or charges.
 

As Spiritual Advisor, I must jump in here.

Brother 7.62,
Such introspection is unnecessary. It is something we all experience. It is brought on by guilt. A guilt manufactured by a nearly defunct regime of immoral Kapitalists to repress the masses.

Comrades,
Is it not time for all us to abandon these shackles of shame? Have we not prevailed, even through the horrible Bush years? This Friday is May Day and I propose we do everything possible to make it a day of joyous celebration.


 

Comrade Obamissar 7.62. I know what you are fretting about....am I a sane progressive? As Commissar of Mental Health, I can assure you that I have known many progressives that share your diagnosis, and so I can say with confidence, that you are not an atypical progressive socialist. Take the Chairman for example, while he generally shows more self cohesion than you, he often really believes that he is a Kennedy cop, or Lenin only knows what else. Does that make the Chairman insane? Of course not!
 

Comrades Grigori, and Pupovich. Thank you for the kind words and wisdom of The Collective. I do not doubt that I am a sane progressive. I just doubt which of my Inner Comrades(TM) is in charge. Fortunately they run to nearly all aspects of socialism, so I have an Inner Comrade(TM) for any occasion, be it strict Marxism-Leninism, to modern day Obamaism. That at least is the joy and wonder of being a progressive, the ability to switch gears with whichever doctrine is fashionable/and or best armed at the time.
 

That may actually be the most groundbreaking discovery in progressive psychiatric science, comrades. Doublethink, as described by Orwell, doesn't even begin to measure up to the 14xThink of Obamissar 7.62, who can speak the Current Truth(TM) on any given day without ever contradicting himself due to the abundance of inner comrades with varying opinions.

This, of course, calls for a hefty government subsidy to do a more profound research, and Obama just today spoke about investing more into science than his evil predecessor did. And this is exactly the kind of science the money will go to. Plus some extra intimidationorganizing of the scientific community to create a far-reaching consensus.
 

On a related note, how many inner comrades do you think President Obama possesses? Or should we say, "how many inner comrades possess him"?


 

This is indeed a breakthrough. An inner comrade for every occasion. No need to make excuses or justify anything. You see, I'm innocent - it wasn't me who slaughtered this capitalist swine, it was my inner comrade #4. Ohhh, ok.

Not only will we bear no responsibility for our actions but each comrade will carry within himself a whole collective. There will be no more individuals, only collective units which gather into greater collectives when the Party tells them to. What more can a true progressive wish for? No individualism, no responsibility!

Comrade 7.62; you have just advanced Marxist thought greatly. I am impressed!
 

Red Square

This, of course, calls for a hefty government subsidy to do a more profound research, and Obama just today spoke about investing more into science than his evil predecessor did. And this is exactly the kind of science the money will go to. Plus some extra intimidationorganizing of the scientific community to create a far-reaching consensus.

And, there'll be billions upon billions to go to the Lysenkos of alternative energy. I have no doubt Obama will do for our energy what Stalin did for agriculture.
 

Wow! We're onto something here. A collective of inner comrades! Now, the Party demands to know how many of those inner comrades are oppressed minorities and whether their ratio within each given Party member meets the Party-approved quotas.

Another million-ruble question is, if these inner comrades, in their turn, also have inner comrades of their own, and what their ethnic-gender-religious composition is.

The outcome is obvious: of any two otherwise equal people units, the one is more equal who has more of the oppressed (and thus morally superior) inner comrades.

In addition, this will revolutionize the way the Party therapists at the Karl Marx Treatment Center work. Instead of focusing on a whole comrade, they will be focusing on his multiple inner comrades and analyzing them instead.

Margaret is right. I smell billions in subsidies. While she was talking about energy policy, it is still relevant because only experts who meet the necessary "inner comrade" criteria will be allowed to work in the field that receives government subsidies.
 

Indeed I had no idea how far socialism had advanced in the noisy confines of my head.

I must now concentrate on finding the Inner Comrades(TM) of some of my inner comrades to ensure I have the proper quota of minorities. I do see that five of my Inner Comrades(TM) are minorities, and that one of not only of indeterminate gender, but also a victim of a radioactive accident. So 6 out 14 are either minorities or special needs, or both.

Comrades Red Square and Vodkov, thank you for showing the contributions to The Greater Good(TM) that are rattling around upstairs. Does this mean no more Jiffy Lobos?

Also, my three Inner Maoists seem to be forming their own collective within the Inner Collective(TM). This could be most interesting, two Inner Collectives. I fear a war with the Marxist-Leninists though. Most disturbing.

Still, the value to Progressive Science cannot be understated. I hope Obama manages to get funding for this important research. I must now contact ACORN and register all of my Inner Comrades(TM) and perhaps some of THEIR Inner Comrades(TM) to vote.
 

Comrade 7.62 I commend you for being so well rounded and multi-faceted.

And to think there was a time when reactionary psycho-babbling quacks tried to label us as schizophrenic. In the new Universal Health Care diagnostic regimen, such pejorative terminology will be purged along with any practitioner who dares to use it.
 

 

Inner Comrade #5 is locked up as an unreformed Trotskite he is. Perhaps, a separate research should be made with regards to the inner gulag. Also inner purges and inner show trials, as well as inner great leaps forward, inner cultural revolutions, and inner glasnost.

We might illustrate the concept of inner comrades with the following visual props, although it doesn't account for multiplicity. The real chart will probably look more like broccoli.



On a side note, we should start producing this visual aid for the Islamic world, to familiarize them in advance about the concept of inner comrades.


 

Comrade Red Square. as Commissar of Mental Health, I will take charge of the research into Multiple Inner Comrade Egos (MICE). To facilitate this needed research, I have taken the liberty of awarding myself an initial funding of 2.5 million rubles to fully investigate MICE. As a matter of fact, I suspect that I too have MICE. Clearly more funding will be needed, so I suggest that we request of the proles further donations for this important work.
 

Considering that you have MICE and your research will be of MICE, wouldn't it make sense if we reinforce your K9 team with some of our feline comrades? They've been multiplying, well, like cats...
 

Comrade Obamissar 7.62,

Having just arrived back in the city of the Flying 747 Palmettos from speaking to a group of Republican women in the hinterlands to see you mind populated with so many comrades was a pleasant surprise. They should each have their own avatar.

Not for one minute, do I doubt that you are infested with multiple comrades. However, being an expert in this field, is it possible that your inner comrades are rather, your outer comrades?

In other words, is it possible that these various comrades, are rather, masks, to give you comfort and protection, depending on the circumstances you are in?

For instance, when you are celebrating a special occasion, your comrade Violet mask would serve you well. Especially, if you wish to radiate a date gone bad.

Or, your Comrade X mask would come in handy when supping with Comrade Red Square, who curiously, resembles this comrade.

Your comrade Fred, is this an aspiration to the status of an eccentric celebrity?

I do get the feeling that you are often comfortable with the Comrade Hank persona, however, I have a hard time imagining that you would have much need for the comrade Barbie character, unless of course, you were seeking sympathy. Or am I missing something?

Either way, whether you call them, inner, or outer comrades, I do believe they are all quite normal and healthy and just goes to show just how open minded and tolerant our glorious system is of diversity among comrades.
 

Comrade Leninka, I believe Comrade Red hit the progressive nail on the socialist head when he described the wonders of having 14x speak instead of mere double speak. As it sits now I am nearly a socialist for any occasion, from Maoism, to the Verkzism of 3000 years in the future. What more can one ask for? And instead of purging the physical comrade for espousing the wrong Socialist Flavor of the Week(TM) one simply has the corresponding Inner Comrade(TM) purged, and replaced with one that more neatly matches the current regime. For instance, Comrade Josef may not be a popular person at swank Hollywood parties, but Comrade Barbie becomes an instant liberal heartbreaker and instant celebrity at the same party. Should we continue with soft, friendly socialism, Comrade Josef may eventually have to be purged and replaced with say Comrade Roger, the gay tap dancing community organizer from Perthamboy. Such is the joys, and difficulties of socialism

However the physical Comrade is still preserved in order to toil for the common good, and vote according the the desires of ACORN.

Plus I still haven't fully explored the possibilities of my Inner Comrades(TM) also have their own Inner Comrades(TM). Also I do not know all of my Inner Comrades(TM) well, plus there could be a couple more that I am not fully aware of.

Personally I think in my day to day life as a physical comrade, aspects of #6, 12, and 13 come out the most.

And there is still the niggling issue of possible remaining Inner Capitalists(TM)...
 

Red Square

On a related note, how many inner comrades do you think President Obama possesses? Or should it be rather phrased as "how many inner comrades possess him"?

I think Comrade President Obama is possessed by the Inner Comrades(TM) of all socialist leaders who have died and moved on to the beet field in the sky. Either that, or his teleprompter is.
 

Marshal Pupovich

Comrade Red Square. as Commissar of Mental Health, I will take charge of the research into Multiple Inner Comrade Egos (MICE). To facilitate this needed research, I have taken the liberty of awarding myself an initial funding of 2.5 million rubles to fully investigate MICE. As a matter of fact, I suspect that I too have MICE. Clearly more funding will be needed, so I suggest that we request of the proles further donations for this important work.

Perhaps you can help me then Marshal. The Inner Trotskyite(TM) not only keeps demanding cookies, but also when he is in charge the back of my head starts bleeding. Plus I start having a strange craving for borscht and tequilla. Most unusual. What can be done about this? Also I'm thinking Inner Trotskyite(TM) may also have an inner Marxist-Leninist who is driving him insane. (Or at least making the back of my head bleed).
 

Obamissar 7.62
Visualization often helps:

Artist: Escher, M. C. (1898 - 1972)
 

Perhaps this will help your physical Comrade.


 

Comrade,

Those 14 selves each need their own Citizens' Redistributed Assets and Property (CRAP) checks; however, since that would come to about $100 million to one person over the next four years, you might not get your due. I think you need a 527 for yourselves.
 

Red Square

Considering that you have MICE and your research will be of MICE, wouldn't it make sense if we reinforce your K9 team with some of our feline comrades? They've been multiplying, well, like cats...

Thank you Comrade Red Square for the offer, but if you recall, not long ago I had a feline assistant in my hovel, and the creature proved to be of no use whatsoever in regard to my research into
Multiple Inner Comrade Egos (MICE).

However, I could use additional funding to pay for some "stipends" for some talent from my Party Pleasure Palaces that have a great deal of experience in working in the multiple ego field.
 

Obamissar 7.62

Perhaps you can help me then Marshal. The Inner Trotskyite(TM) not only keeps demanding cookies, but also when he is in charge the back of my head starts bleeding. Plus I start having a strange craving for borscht and tequilla. Most unusual. What can be done about this? Also I'm thinking Inner Trotskyite(TM) may also have an inner Marxist-Leninist who is driving him insane. (Or at least making the back of my head bleed).

Comrade Obamissar, the answer to this question is actually too simple to even charge you for, but rules are rules you know. If you find Inner Trotskyite is our of line, as he obviously is or will be, simply introduce him to Inner Comrade Iosef.... I mean Joe. He will take care of this problem.
 

Comrades, my research into Multiple Inner Comrade Egos (MICE) has already started paying off, in more ways than you can know. I began investigating just one of the initial 16 inner comrades that I discovered lurking inside me.

Using conventional methods and instruments reveals only what appears to be a single inner comrade among many. However, once I started using more advanced methods, I discovered a vast new collective of inner comrades. You see, the closer you come to learning the more physical qualities of said inner comrades, the less you know of their inner thoughts and nature. and vice versa. While this in itself was exciting, it was not completely unexpected as it bore an obvious link to the well known "Uncertainty Principle."

This in turn led me down another line of research along the lines of quantum physics. While it was not practical, and perhaps not even ethical, to split one of these inner comrades as done in quantum labs, and fire them through slits to see if they acted as an individual or a collective, another idea came to me that led to a most amazing discovery!

I discovered if you were to present one of these inner comrades with an unsupportable and inconvenient truth, a most exciting event occurs! For instance, I presented one of my inner comrades with a fact that went against all proper progressive thinking. My lab was set up so there were 2 doors, one for True and the other False. I then projected on a screen in front of the inner comrade this "It is a fact that every time taxes are reduced, tax revenue increases." Comrades! It was amazing! The inner comrade started glowing and vibrating, and amazingly, this one inner comrade split! One went to the True door and of course immediately put out of it's misery, the other half went through the False door, and the moment it did so, it split yet again into TWO distinct inner comrades!!!

I call this newly discovered event the "Unprincipled Principle™."

You see what you get when you give me the funds for research?! Needless to say, we can make use of this abilty to create more inner comrades. I will need further funding for my research Comrades!

BTW, no doubt you can imagine that the Unprincipled Principle™ discovery may well account for the recent Specter change.
 

Oh my goodness. You mean you can create MORE Inner Comrades(TM). Amazing.
 

Colonel 7.62

Oh my goodness. You mean you can create MORE Inner Comrades(TM). Amazing.

Well, it helps to understand the Unprincipled Principle™ such as I comrade. For a reasonable fee I will be glad to help?
 

Comrades! There is nothing new under the sun. Behold this glorious soviet joke, which clearly made thinly veiled references to the truth of multiple Inner Comrades™.

На приеме у психиатра:
- Доктор, у меня растроение личности - я думаю одно, говорю другое, а делаю третье.
- Это доказывает лишь то, что вы вполне нормальны!

During a meeting with a psychiatrist:
'Doctor, I have different personalities: I think one thing, I speak another, and I do a third.'
'So? That only proves you are quite normal!'

Found here... http://www.geocities.com/troys_tales/jokes.html
 

I see no joke in this....

Will there be KGB in communism?

No, by then people will have learned to arrest themselves.

Why, this is a fundamental tenet!
 

Finally a psycho-socialist perspective on comrade behavior in the proper social order. A guide to finding our true inner patriot. No longer do we cling to out molded ideas of Freud. This is a true blending of Marxism and psychology. I feel joys like that of much vodka welling up within me. May I have a comrade hug?
 

Colonel

I congratulate you on your Progressive Progressiveness.

1) You get 14 times the normal Unemployment Benefits.
2) You get 14 times the normal Vodka Ration.

I hereby declare you a Hero of the People!

Amandla!

Obamugabe
 

Ah yes, the little thing of the 14 voices in my head. Such are the joys of Collective Progressivism. As far as being a Hero of The People(TM) I thank you. I do my small part for the Collective after all.
 

OH my being a progressive socialist is a lot of self degenerating WORK! Thank you Comrade for shedding some light on the aspects of such diversified collectivists. Now I also can play with these toys in my head.
 

"Madness doesn't always howl. Sometimes it is the quiet voice that asks,'Hey...room for one more in there?'"
 

Comrades! Is good news. This post now officially recognized by PR Newswire as good representation of our Party Organ. Beet vodka on house!

Blog Profiles: Fake News Blogs

 

Red Square

Comrades! Is good news. This post now officially recognized by PR Newswire as good representation of our Party Organ. Beet vodka on house!

Blog Profiles: Fake News Blogs

Fake_News_Blogs.jpg

Did you notice that one of their writers is Christine Cube. (sure)
 

Captain Craptek

Did you notice that one of their writers is Christine Cube. (sure)
At least she is not "Square."

"Cube" must be one of her inner comrades.


 

Here's a good rare snapshot of my inner comrade.


It's made by the Polish cartoonist Andrzej Krauze, the same one who drew the multiple inner comrades crawling out of the protective cube at the top of this thread. I used this and his other drawings to illustrate this post:

We know something that most Americans don't