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My Multiple Inner Comrades™ Syndrome

Colonel 7.62

4/26/2009, 11:13 pm

While most people simply have to find their Inner Comrade(TM) I was blessed, or perhaps cursed with 14 Inner Comrades. Plus several Inner Capitalist Swine. I believe I have purged the Inner Capitalists, but I am not sure.

After some self examination, I have identified the 14 Inner Comrades, and their politics.

#1, Comrade Ivan. A devout Marxist-Leninist. Originally served in The Great Patriotic War as a practice target for training new Soviet Snipers. Doesn't say much, and is always brooding.
#2, Comrade Fred. A Trotskyite from Los Angeles. Likes cookies and blunt objects.
#3, Comrade X. A comrade from the future, Comrade X embraces the true socialism of 3000 years in the future. He tells me that Obama is as widely revered as Glaxnurk The Great, Bringer of Universal Socialism, Health Care, and Sufficient Supplies of Toilet Paper. Is usually hunkered down over a treatise, and muttering about how backwards today's socialists are, despite being close to the original root of Marxism-Obamaism.
#4, Comrade Josef. A violent sociopath. Does things with a shovel that would frighten Pinkie. Believes Stalin was too soft on people.
#5, Comrade Barbie. A cross dressing hermaphrodite parapalegic. Originally from Chrenobyl. Believes Obama will find a health care plan that will cure s/he/it.
#6, Commissar Hank. A backwoods good ol' boy who is also a practicioner of Juche. Hopes the North Koreans successfully launch a "sattelite" at Washington DC, in order to liberate the USA from the evils of Capitalism. Also passes a lot of gas.
#7, Comrade Sergei. Likes pie, voted for Hillary. Also speaks four languages, three of them unknown to this earth.
#8,9,and 10. No names other than their numbers, these three Inner Comrades(TM) are fervant Maoists who distrust Russians, believe they hold the true roots of Marxism, and also make some very good fried rice.
#11, Comrade Violet. Former KGB assasin. Likes icepicks and small pellets of highly radioactive materials. Drank the wrong radioactive drink at a party in 1979.
#12, Comrade Jose. Cuban revolutionary who served with Che. Likes to denounce anyone he sees.
#13, Comrade Pham Van Duc. Enjoys toiling in the rice fields for The Greater Good.
#14, Comrade Free Moonbeam. Radical 1960's hippie who thinks Obama is the reincarnation of all great socialisit leaders who died before him.

There you go comrades. I may never know which of my Inner Comrades(TM) are in charge when I start typing but now you have a better chance of knowing who is talking!

Red Square

4/26/2009, 11:25 pm

And, based on your previous confessions, Commissar, I presume each of your 14 inner comrades owns an individual firearm and has a license with his own name on it.

Let's just hope none of them decides to commit suicide, or we'll have serious collateral damage on our hands.

Colonel 7.62

4/27/2009, 12:23 am

Comrade Red Square, did I just get a promotion, or were you speaking to Comrade Hank, who is the commissar of my little mental collective?

Strangely enough I do have about as many firearms to arm each of my Inner Comrades(TM). (And of course for an out of karakter moment here, I do not hear voices in my head, do not have multiple personalities, nor am prone to start shooting stuff up. What a sad world we live in when one feels compelled to make a disclaimer like this. I'm not worried about Cube members, but who knows who else wanders through....)

In the Washington Collective one does not need a license to own a firearm, or to even openly carry one. Only to conceal a handgun, and those are issued to anyone with $60, a set of fingerprints, a clean criminal and mental health record, and no outstanding warrants or charges.

Grigori E.R.

4/27/2009, 11:32 am

As Spiritual Advisor, I must jump in here.

Brother 7.62,
Such introspection is unnecessary. It is something we all experience. It is brought on by guilt. A guilt manufactured by a nearly defunct regime of immoral Kapitalists to repress the masses.

Comrades,
Is it not time for all us to abandon these shackles of shame? Have we not prevailed, even through the horrible Bush years? This Friday is May Day and I propose we do everything possible to make it a day of joyous celebration.

Marshal Pupovich

4/27/2009, 11:33 am

Comrade Obamissar 7.62. I know what you are fretting about....am I a sane progressive? As Commissar of Mental Health, I can assure you that I have known many progressives that share your diagnosis, and so I can say with confidence, that you are not an atypical progressive socialist. Take the Chairman for example, while he generally shows more self cohesion than you, he often really believes that he is a Kennedy cop, or Lenin only knows what else. Does that make the Chairman insane? Of course not!

Colonel 7.62

4/27/2009, 4:56 pm

Comrades Grigori, and Pupovich. Thank you for the kind words and wisdom of The Collective. I do not doubt that I am a sane progressive. I just doubt which of my Inner Comrades(TM) is in charge. Fortunately they run to nearly all aspects of socialism, so I have an Inner Comrade(TM) for any occasion, be it strict Marxism-Leninism, to modern day Obamaism. That at least is the joy and wonder of being a progressive, the ability to switch gears with whichever doctrine is fashionable/and or best armed at the time.

Red Square

4/27/2009, 5:38 pm

That may actually be the most groundbreaking discovery in progressive psychiatric science, comrades. Doublethink, as described by Orwell, doesn't even begin to measure up to the 14xThink of Obamissar 7.62, who can speak the Current Truth(TM) on any given day without ever contradicting himself due to the abundance of inner comrades with varying opinions.

This, of course, calls for a hefty government subsidy to do a more profound research, and Obama just today spoke about investing more into science than his evil predecessor did. And this is exactly the kind of science the money will go to. Plus some extra ~~intimidation~~organizing of the scientific community to create a far-reaching consensus.

Red Square

4/27/2009, 5:42 pm

On a related note, how many inner comrades do you think President Obama possesses? Or should it be rather phrased as "how many inner comrades possess him"?

Kommissar Vodkov

4/27/2009, 6:22 pm

This is indeed a breakthrough. An inner comrade for every occasion. No need to make excuses or justify anything. You see, I'm innocent - it wasn't me who slaughtered this capitalist swine, it was my inner comrade #4. Ohhh, ok.

Not only will we bear no responsibility for our actions but each comrade will carry within himself a whole collective. There will be no more individuals, only collective units which gather into greater collectives when the Party tells them to. What more can a true progressive wish for? No individualism, no responsibility!

Comrade 7.62; you have just advanced Marxist thought greatly. I am impressed!

Margaret

4/27/2009, 6:23 pm

Red Square

This, of course, calls for a hefty government subsidy to do a more profound research, and Obama just today spoke about investing more into science than his evil predecessor did. And this is exactly the kind of science the money will go to. Plus some extra ~~intimidation~~organizing of the scientific community to create a far-reaching consensus.

And, there'll be billions upon billions to go to the Lysenkos of alternative energy. I have no doubt Obama will do for our energy what Stalin did for agriculture.

Red Square

4/27/2009, 8:49 pm

Wow! We're onto something here. A collective of inner comrades! Now, the Party demands to know how many of those inner comrades are oppressed minorities and whether their ratio within each given Party member meets the Party-approved quotas.

Another million-ruble question is, if these inner comrades, in their turn, also have inner comrades of their own, and what their ethnic-gender-religious composition is.

The outcome is obvious: of any two otherwise equal people units, the one is more equal who has more of the oppressed (and thus morally superior) inner comrades.

In addition, this will revolutionize the way the Party therapists at the Karl Marx Treatment Center work. Instead of focusing on a whole comrade, they will be focusing on his multiple inner comrades and analyzing them instead.

Margaret is right. I smell billions in subsidies. While she was talking about energy policy, it is still relevant because only experts who meet the necessary "inner comrade" criteria will be allowed to work in the field that receives government subsidies.

Colonel 7.62

4/28/2009, 2:06 am

Indeed I had no idea how far socialism had advanced in the noisy confines of my head.

I must now concentrate on finding the Inner Comrades(TM) of some of my inner comrades to ensure I have the proper quota of minorities. I do see that five of my Inner Comrades(TM) are minorities, and that one of not only of indeterminate gender, but also a victim of a radioactive accident. So 6 out 14 are either minorities or special needs, or both.

Comrades Red Square and Vodkov, thank you for showing the contributions to The Greater Good(TM) that are rattling around upstairs. Does this mean no more Jiffy Lobos?

Also, my three Inner Maoists seem to be forming their own collective within the Inner Collective(TM). This could be most interesting, two Inner Collectives. I fear a war with the Marxist-Leninists though. Most disturbing.

Still, the value to Progressive Science cannot be understated. I hope Obama manages to get funding for this important research. I must now contact ACORN and register all of my Inner Comrades(TM) and perhaps some of THEIR Inner Comrades(TM) to vote.

Comrade Whoopie

4/28/2009, 8:08 am

Comrade 7.62 I commend you for being so well rounded and multi-faceted.

And to think there was a time when reactionary psycho-babbling quacks tried to label us as schizophrenic. In the new Universal Health Care diagnostic regimen, such pejorative terminology will be purged along with any practitioner who dares to use it.

4/28/2009, 9:21 am

Red Square

4/28/2009, 1:17 pm

Inner Comrade #5 is locked up as an unreformed Trotskite he is. Perhaps, a separate research should be made with regards to the inner gulag. Also inner purges and inner show trials, as well as inner great leaps forward, inner cultural revolutions, and inner glasnost.

We might illustrate the concept of inner comrades with the following visual props, although it doesn't account for multiplicity. The real chart will probably look more like broccoli.

On a side note, we should start producing this visual aid for the Islamic world, to familiarize them in advance about the concept of inner comrades.

Marshal Pupovich

4/28/2009, 10:27 pm

Red Square

4/28/2009, 10:47 pm

Considering that you have MICE and your research will be of MICE, wouldn't it make sense if we reinforce your K9 team with some of our feline comrades? They've been multiplying, well, like cats...

Leninka

4/29/2009, 12:26 am

Comrade Obamissar 7.62,

Having just arrived back in the city of the Flying 747 Palmettos ~~from speaking to a group of Republican women in the hinterlands~~ to see you mind populated with so many comrades was a pleasant surprise. They should each have their own avatar.

Not for one minute, do I doubt that you are infested with multiple comrades. However, being an expert in this field, is it possible that your inner comrades are rather, your outer comrades?

In other words, is it possible that these various comrades, are rather, masks, to give you comfort and protection, depending on the circumstances you are in?

For instance, when you are celebrating a special occasion, your comrade Violet mask would serve you well. Especially, if you wish to radiate a date gone bad.

Or, your Comrade X mask would come in handy when supping with Comrade Red Square, who curiously, resembles this comrade.

Your comrade Fred, is this an aspiration to the status of an eccentric celebrity?

I do get the feeling that you are often comfortable with the Comrade Hank persona, however, I have a hard time imagining that you would have much need for the comrade Barbie character, unless of course, you were seeking sympathy. Or am I missing something?

Either way, whether you call them, inner, or outer comrades, I do believe they are all quite normal and healthy and just goes to show just how open minded and tolerant our glorious system is of diversity among comrades.

Colonel 7.62

4/29/2009, 2:06 am

Comrade Leninka, I believe Comrade Red hit the progressive nail on the socialist head when he described the wonders of having 14x speak instead of mere double speak. As it sits now I am nearly a socialist for any occasion, from Maoism, to the Verkzism of 3000 years in the future. What more can one ask for? And instead of purging the physical comrade for espousing the wrong Socialist Flavor of the Week(TM) one simply has the corresponding Inner Comrade(TM) purged, and replaced with one that more neatly matches the current regime. For instance, Comrade Josef may not be a popular person at swank Hollywood parties, but Comrade Barbie becomes an instant liberal heartbreaker and instant celebrity at the same party. Should we continue with soft, friendly socialism, Comrade Josef may eventually have to be purged and replaced with say Comrade Roger, the gay tap dancing community organizer from Perthamboy. Such is the joys, and difficulties of socialism

However the physical Comrade is still preserved in order to toil for the common good, and vote according the the desires of ACORN.

Plus I still haven't fully explored the possibilities of my Inner Comrades(TM) also have their own Inner Comrades(TM). Also I do not know all of my Inner Comrades(TM) well, plus there could be a couple more that I am not fully aware of.

Personally I think in my day to day life as a physical comrade, aspects of #6, 12, and 13 come out the most.

And there is still the niggling issue of possible remaining Inner Capitalists(TM)...

Colonel 7.62

4/29/2009, 4:25 am

Red Square

On a related note, how many inner comrades do you think President Obama possesses? Or should it be rather phrased as "how many inner comrades possess him"?

I think Comrade President Obama is possessed by the Inner Comrades(TM) of all socialist leaders who have died and moved on to the beet field in the sky. Either that, or his teleprompter is.

Colonel 7.62

4/29/2009, 4:27 am

Marshal Pupovich

Comrade Red Square. as Commissar of Mental Health, I will take charge of the research into Multiple Inner Comrade Egos (MICE). To facilitate this needed research, I have taken the liberty of awarding myself an initial funding of 2.5 million rubles to fully investigate MICE. As a matter of fact, I suspect that I too have MICE. Clearly more funding will be needed, so I suggest that we request of the proles further donations for this important work.

Perhaps you can help me then Marshal. The Inner Trotskyite(TM) not only keeps demanding cookies, but also when he is in charge the back of my head starts bleeding. Plus I start having a strange craving for borscht and tequilla. Most unusual. What can be done about this? Also I'm thinking Inner Trotskyite(TM) may also have an inner Marxist-Leninist who is driving him insane. (Or at least making the back of my head bleed).

Grigori E.R.

4/29/2009, 9:22 am

Obamissar 7.62
Visualization often helps:

Artist: Escher, M. C. (1898 - 1972)

Schitzo

4/29/2009, 9:38 am

Perhaps this will help your physical Comrade.

Comrade_Tovarich

4/30/2009, 3:43 am

Comrade,

Those 14 selves each need their own Citizens' Redistributed Assets and Property (CRAP) checks; however, since that would come to about $100 million to one person over the next four years, you might not get your due. I think you need a 527 for yourselves.

Marshal Pupovich

4/30/2009, 5:02 pm

Red Square

Considering that you have MICE and your research will be of MICE, wouldn't it make sense if we reinforce your K9 team with some of our feline comrades? They've been multiplying, well, like cats...

Thank you Comrade Red Square for the offer, but if you recall, not long ago I had a feline assistant in my hovel, and the creature proved to be of no use whatsoever in regard to my research into
Multiple Inner Comrade Egos (MICE).

However, I could use additional funding to pay for some "stipends" for some talent from my Party Pleasure Palaces that have a great deal of experience in working in the multiple ego field.

Marshal Pupovich

4/30/2009, 5:13 pm

Obamissar 7.62

Perhaps you can help me then Marshal. The Inner Trotskyite(TM) not only keeps demanding cookies, but also when he is in charge the back of my head starts bleeding. Plus I start having a strange craving for borscht and tequilla. Most unusual. What can be done about this? Also I'm thinking Inner Trotskyite(TM) may also have an inner Marxist-Leninist who is driving him insane. (Or at least making the back of my head bleed).

Comrade Obamissar, the answer to this question is actually too simple to even charge you for, but rules are rules you know. If you find Inner Trotskyite is our of line, as he obviously is or will be, simply introduce him to Inner Comrade Iosef.... I mean Joe. He will take care of this problem.

Marshal Pupovich

4/30/2009, 5:44 pm

Comrades, my research into Multiple Inner Comrade Egos (MICE) has already started paying off, in more ways than you can know. I began investigating just one of the initial 16 inner comrades that I discovered lurking inside me.

Using conventional methods and instruments reveals only what appears to be a single inner comrade among many. However, once I started using more advanced methods, I discovered a vast new collective of inner comrades. You see, the closer you come to learning the more physical qualities of said inner comrades, the less you know of their inner thoughts and nature. and vice versa. While this in itself was exciting, it was not completely unexpected as it bore an obvious link to the well known "Uncertainty Principle."

This in turn led me down another line of research along the lines of quantum physics. While it was not practical, and perhaps not even ethical, to split one of these inner comrades as done in quantum labs, and fire them through slits to see if they acted as an individual or a collective, another idea came to me that led to a most amazing discovery!

I discovered if you were to present one of these inner comrades with an unsupportable and inconvenient truth, a most exciting event occurs! For instance, I presented one of my inner comrades with a fact that went against all proper progressive thinking. My lab was set up so there were 2 doors, one for True and the other False. I then projected on a screen in front of the inner comrade this "It is a fact that every time taxes are reduced, tax revenue increases." Comrades! It was amazing! The inner comrade started glowing and vibrating, and amazingly, this one inner comrade split! One went to the True door and of course immediately put out of it's misery, the other half went through the False door, and the moment it did so, it split yet again into TWO distinct inner comrades!!!

I call this newly discovered event the "Unprincipled Principle™."

You see what you get when you give me the funds for research?! Needless to say, we can make use of this abilty to create more inner comrades. I will need further funding for my research Comrades!

BTW, no doubt you can imagine that the Unprincipled Principle™ discovery may well account for the recent Specter change.

Colonel 7.62

4/30/2009, 11:40 pm

Oh my goodness. You mean you can create MORE Inner Comrades(TM). Amazing.

Marshal Pupovich

5/4/2009, 10:34 pm

Colonel 7.62

Oh my goodness. You mean you can create MORE Inner Comrades(TM). Amazing.

Well, it helps to understand the Unprincipled Principle™ such as I comrade. For a reasonable fee I will be glad to help?

Colonel 7.62

5/6/2009, 2:11 am

Comrades! There is nothing new under the sun. Behold this glorious soviet joke, which clearly made thinly veiled references to the truth of multiple Inner Comrades(TM)
На приеме у психиатра:
- Доктор, у меня растроение личности - я думаю одно, говорю другое, а делаю третье.
- Это доказывает лишь то, что вы вполне нормальны!

During a meeting with a psychiatrist:

'Doctor, I have different personalities: I think one thing, I speak another, and I do a third.'

'So? That only proves you are quite normal!'

Found here... http://www.geocities.com/troys_tales/jokes.html

Marshal Pupovich

5/6/2009, 7:48 am

I see no joke in this....

Will there be KGB in communism?

No, by then people will have learned to arrest themselves.

Why, this is a fundamental tenet!

Groucho Marxist

7/11/2010, 10:45 pm

Finally a psycho-socialist perspective on comrade behavior in the proper social order. A guide to finding our true inner patriot. No longer do we cling to out molded ideas of Freud. This is a true blending of Marxism and psychology. I feel joys like that of much vodka welling up within me. May I have a comrade hug?

Obamugabe

7/12/2010, 1:24 am

Colonel

I congratulate you on your Progressive Progressiveness.

1) You get 14 times the normal Unemployment Benefits.
2) You get 14 times the normal Vodka Ration.

I hereby declare you a Hero of the People!

Amandla!

Obamugabe

Colonel 7.62

7/12/2010, 2:04 am

Ah yes, the little thing of the 14 voices in my head. Such are the joys of Collective Progressivism. As far as being a Hero of The People(TM) I thank you. I do my small part for the Collective after all.

Arby Justice Wilder

5/22/2012, 3:36 am

OH my being a progressive socialist is a lot of self degenerating WORK! Thank you Comrade for shedding some light on the aspects of such diversified collectivists. Now I also can play with these toys in my head.

Ivan Betinov

5/22/2012, 1:02 pm

"Madness doesn't always howl. Sometimes it is the quiet voice that asks,'Hey...room for one more in there?'"

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White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class

To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead

State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations

Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward

President issues executive orders banning cliffs, ceilings, obstructions, statistics, and other notions that prevent us from moving forwards and upward

Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects

World ends; S&P soars

Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood

Meek inherit Earth, can't afford estate taxes

Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway

Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013

Bigfoot found in Ohio, mysteriously not voting for Obama

As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list

Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves

Obama: green economy likely to transform America into a leading third world country of the new millennium

Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future

Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs

Modernizing Islam: New York imam proposes to canonize Saul Alinsky as religion's latter day prophet

Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'

Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties

Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years

Obama attends church service, worships self

Obama proposes national 'Win The Future' lottery; proceeds of new WTF Powerball to finance more gov't spending

Historical revisionists: "Hey, you never know"

Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh

Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"

Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness

Al Gore: It's a shame that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of polar bears

Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke

Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights

Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'

Obama's teleprompter unhappy with White House Twitter: "Too few words"

Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't

Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost

Responding to Oslo shootings, Obama declares Christianity "Religion of Peace," praises "moderate Christians," promises to send one into space

Republicans block Obama's $420 billion program to give American families free charms that ward off economic bad luck

White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus

Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed

Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"

Al Gore proposes to combat Global Warming by extracting silver linings from clouds in Earth's atmosphere

Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"

Obama regrets the US government didn't provide his mother with free contraceptives when she was in college

Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!

Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'

Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'

Obama congratulates Putin on Chicago-style election outcome

People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies

Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"

Democrat strategist: without government supervision, women would have never evolved into humans

Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law

Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond

Obama blames previous Olympics for failure to win at this Olympics

Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof

Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels

Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party

Obama to Evangelicals: Jesus saves, I just spend

May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above

Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"

Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name

Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich

Historians: Before HOPE & CHANGE there was HEMP & CHOOM at ten bucks a bag

Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"

Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory

Secretary of Energy Steven Chu: due to energy conservation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off

Obama Administration running food stamps across the border with Mexico in an operation code-named "Fat And Furious"

Pakistan explodes in protest over new Adobe Acrobat update; 17 local acrobats killed

White House: "Let them eat statistics"

Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama

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