With saddened heart I must report that Obama's recent Comedy Tour "Summer Of Recovery Roadshow" was a total flop. He had some good lines that were well rehearsed and delivered with excellent timing. Who could forget the classic riffs on "We ain't giving the Keys back" or the epic, "They're just sipping on slurpees" and lattes for his more urbane audiences in the Northeast. Another favorite was, "Well, they can ride along, but they'll have to sit in the back." One line that didn't play well East of Arizona had the punch line of, "We must punish our enemies" I tried to get that dropped because of its obvious regional appeal but they thought they had a winner with that one. They said it focus grouped well. However this material is now dated and he needs some new riffs and more chops.

He's getting ready to hit the road in January so I'm asking the best of the best to contribute your absolute best lines that our dear leader can deliver to rousing laughter to progressive audiences. I know some of the challenges we face in writing progressive comedy is that we are accused of being too cerebral or merely laughing at what we think is funny. Anyway chop chop, let's get to cranking out those jokes. We need some new stuff and quickly. Dust off those two rethuglicans walking into a bar jokes. Also I got word that the Blame Bush stuff isn't doing the focus groups as good as it used to, really they love it, it's classic stuff. Just might have been overplayed a bit.

Extra vodka rations for all submissions. I'll be taking a few extra rations myself as that always makes you all funnier than you actually are the job more joyous for all. It even seems to make Bill Maher hilarious.

Simple word association seems to be working well:

" governmental efficiency " , " journalistic integrity ", " free healthcare "..........

ANY joke writer will do!

... so let's party like it's 2008!

When can I expect the vodka rations to arrive? I don't actually drink but a shot or two is worth quite a bit on the black market to assist a fellow prole in trying times.

Well, let's be honest for a change, we know there is only one comrade for this job, do we not?! Our most devoted and loyal Comarde Whoopie is the choice of choices. He is always telling the worse... the funniest jokes that make me laugh and laugh. He always has some dreadful delightful joke to share and re-share, just when we think we've heard enough.

Whoopie is a joke . . . and I therefore I nominate and second him as the Official Jokester of the Peoples Cube. . . who will be at the ready to do whatever is required of him (as long as it comes with 5...6 paid vacation weeks per year, 95 paid personal days, all paid weekend OFF, 159 paid sick days per year, all the vodka he wants, free meals 4x per day, 3 paid snacks per day, 3 paid 1 hr. rest periods per day on the days he works from 10 - 3pm.)

Comrade Fraulein,

Have you had access to dear leader's work schedule?

How else would you stumble across such classified information?

You may now be on a "watch carefully" list.

So, Comrade Whoopie's the " O.J.P.C. " now ? How delightful.

Thank you Frau and I just so happen a few jokes that Obama can borrow:

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

One time my hat caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ice ax!

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

Special bonus joke: I hear Obama's marriage is on the rocks. Turns out his wife and him are in love with the same guy.

I think Obama can start his routine this way:

Do we have any folks from small towns in Pennsylvania in this room? No? That's because they've fallen through the Clinton administration, and the Bush administration, and each successive administration. (Rim shot)

Any frustrated folks from small towns in the Midwest at all? No one? Good! That means we can bash guns and religion, and praise the virtues of big government without the fear of being shot at. And no rim shots, please, they make me jumpy - even though I know we don't have any bitter folks from small towns in Pennsylvania here! (Rim shot)

In fact, take that whole drum set away. No, seriously. Loud drumming scares me. It sounds too much like those gunfights they have in a lot of small towns in the Midwest every Sunday as soon as they step out of the Church. Where's that rim shot? Oh, it's in the basement already. Great job, everyone!

... or anything else that can be taken from this quote:

Obama wrote:You go into some of these small towns in Pennsylvania, and like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing's replaced them. And they fell through the Clinton administration, and the Bush administration, and each successive administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate and they have not. So it's not surprising then that they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.

MY MY MY WHOOPIE, YOU DO NOT FAIL TO DISAPPOINT (although, for some odd reason, I am feeling disappointed and a wee bit ill). You are a barrel full of chimps, are you not. I cannot, cough, stop laughing. cough (gag)

Dear RS, those were rim shots? hum, sounded more like a 45 to me, but what do I know.

Psychiatrist to Obama: You're not paranoid.
Obama: That's great doctor
Psychiatrist: Not really, you're not imagining anything. The American people really don't like you.
Drum roll

AAAK! Frau, surely those jokes are better than that tired old joke about Republican's driving a car into a ditch.

But wait, I have a joke just for you...

Michael Moore and Dear Leader are dining at the White House.

Michael Moore: Cheer up Dear Leader. We can still get our communist agenda through.

Dear Leader: Not without the help of my friends at the People's Cube. They haven't come up with a single joke for me to tell in public.

Michael Moore: Well, here's one. When anyone tells you that you are every bit a disgrace to the office of the presidency as Richard Nixon, just say: "Richard Nixon? He doesn't have anything on me. I've committed at least 2 felonies if you count my offering Sestak and Romanoff jobs in exchange for dropping out of their races. All Nixon did was cover up a break-in at Watergate."

Dear Leader: Ha Ha. That's a funny one, Michael, I'll admit.

Michael Moore: Can you get the cook to bring me out another plate of french fries?

Dear Leader: Don't count on it you white capitalist pig.

Collective;

Feeling a little down seeing the unequal comedic talents of one Comrade Whoopie?
The Party ™ indeed feels your pain. To make things "fair" again we have developed a sure fire solution to any comedic inadequacies you may suffer from. Just follow the directions and you'll be back on this thread in no time spewing gaffes and one liners like a pro.


Don't worry - it's like totally covered under Obamacare.
Go ahead - you too can be a Whoopie Cushion - Today![/font]

Whoopie, Cinderella was a most true comradette, toiling in her gulag, cleaning those nasty bathrooms floors for the Party Elite. She is to be commended. But if you had read the entire book (seriously, it was just 12 pages), you would have found out she married the party elite and became. thus becoming an Elite and then locked up the pig of a man servant. It was a good ending.

Comarde Shovel, so, you are saying Comarde Whoopie is a Whoopie Cushion, expelling air for amusements? Why, I think you'd hit the prole on the head!

Wanna hear a dirty joke?

A Capitalist Pig fell in the mud!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Then a brave comrade put his jackboot on the Capitalist Pig's head and proceeded to grind it further in the mud until he suffocated to death!

Social Justice!

HAHAHAHAH....hehehe....Then the brave comrade found a lowly prole to shine his muddy boots. It just keeps getting better....oh oh...ROTFLMAO!

Obama reading teleprompter: People laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a stand up comic or president when I grew up. They're not laughing today.
(Delivered with that half cocked look while middle finger scratches his head)

For future reference:

Whoopi = Goldberg
Whoopee = Cushion
Whoopie = Me

(there's a difference you know)

Which somehow reminds me of a joke:

I'm not saying Michelle Obama is dumb but one day she comes home and finds Barack in bed with another man. Distraught, she pulls out a gun and points it to her head. Barack jumps out of bed begging her not to kill herself and she says "Shut up, you're next!"

Ok, ok, I blame it on the vodka diet I'm on, I've already lost 3 days.

Comrade Whoopie wrote:For future reference:

......................
Whoopee = Cushion
Whoopie = Me

(there's a difference you know)

Both are full of air and make funny noises. I see little difference.

Leninka, that is very good... I will chuckle for days!
Laika, I am still almost laughing at your amusements. (chuckle cough) And Groucho, you are a real cutterup. hehehee
With so many funny folks around, this could be hard to decide.

This is an oldie but a goodie:

"Contrary to the claims of some of my critics and some of the editorial pages, I am an ardent believer in the free market. "

"But seriously folks....The only way I can get the running dogs of the GOP to pay attention to me is to wear a porkchop around my neck." (rimshot)

Thanks Fraulein.

What would I do without the humor of fellow Cubists to live by? Where else can you find people who are both funny and progressive?

Leninka wrote: Where else can you find people who are both funny and progressive?

So true Leninka, ours is the happy Collective. So many Progs are bitter and seething with rage. Here at the Cube the glorious world of next Tuesday is never in doubt. Due to our lofty position in the movement we are privy to all the inside information. Such knowledge takes a load off our minds so we can relax and chuckle as the silly reactionaries squabble among themselves and stew in their own angst. Ahhhh, life is good.

(Puffing on his Opus X cigar as he swirls a snifter of XO brandy)

OK Comrades,

I don't want the dubious title (it's all yours Whoopie) but here's a couple of current events jokes:

What's the most popular game in Iceland?
Answer: GO FISH

In our Soviet America, banks rob people because that's where all the money is.

A man went to his banker and said "I want to start a small business. How do I go about it?" "Simple" said the bank manager, "Buy a big one and wait."

And Comrade Whoopie, do you have another one of those OpusX cigars to share with a fellow traveler? There you go comrades, and to all a good night!

We better redouble our efforts, Comrades.
We've been laboring as if this was just another 5 yr plan &
Dear Leader apparently expects some actual results by the end of this year!

G4A is right. The STFU address is coming in January. This will actually kick off his new comedy tour. He will however have a few test/rehearsal dates planned prior to the STFU address to vet or try out the new material written. I have been informed from on high that he's considering using more "Blame Bush" material as a tribute to his former successes, but as every good comedian knows you can only tell an old joke so long. So he's looking for new euphimisms to get his message out. Please redouble your efforts. There is some good material being submitted here. As for the extra vodka rations for all submissions. There has been a change in that policy as my extra stores have mysteriously vanished. On an unrelated note Michelle has asked that I not reconsider this offer either as Comrade Whoopie has just achieved his two day sobriety coin. I believe some congratulations are in order for our dear comrade for both his writing efforts and his ongoing fight for sobriety.

Thank you again

Che Gourmet wrote:OK Comrades,

I don't want the dubious title (it's all yours Whoopie) but do you have another one of those OpusX cigars to share with a fellow traveler?

Thank you Comrade Chef of the People, dubious titles is what I'm all about. And yes, I do have an extra OpusX for you (I got on the waiting list early and scored 3 of these for $35 each).

Mmm (puffing on cigar) here's another joke...

Comrades,

The man pictured above is doing his impression of a talking Jack Ass.

It is more effective to wear the donkey ears and nose piece.

"How many headless Tea-baggers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
"I don't know... let's find out!"

Czar Czar wrote:"How many headless Tea-baggers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
"I don't know... let's find out!"

Only two, but they have to be very very small

Did you hear about the foot problem Mr. Obama had today in the rose garden?

It seems he has a bad case of plantar-fascist-itis.

In the world of gender equality the Inevitable and deserving Madame Presidenta Hillary Clinton is becoming a man.


This great transgender move, that will happen right before your very eyes is lauded as,

Talk Like A Man: The Linguistic Appeal of Hillary Rodham-Clinton

April 24, 2015
12:30p.m. - 1:50p.m.
Social Science Plaza B, Room 5250
Jennifer Jones, UCI Graber Scholar

Hillary Clinton is arguably the most prominent female in American politics today. How has she succeeded in a profession still largely dominated by men? What can Clinton's words teach us about communicating power in a male-dominated political system? Does Clinton talk more "like a man" (linguistically speaking) the more her political power has grown? This talk uses Clinton's speech over the course of her public career to discover how her linguistic patterns vary according to her political role. Jones analyzes Clinton's speech in 564 interviews and candidate debates between 1992-2013 and utilize a text analysis program, the Linguistic Inquiry Word Count (LIWC; Pennebaker, Francis, & Booth, 2007), to uncover the linguistic patterns of Clinton's speech over time. Results confirm Clinton's language has become more masculine over time. Clinton's career illustrates the conformities that women make in a profession still dominated by men and by a male model. Such insight has significance not only for women and members of other marginalized groups in American politics, but also for any citizen interested in promoting a more representative democracy in an age of new media.

Contact: Sylvia Lotito, [email protected] or 949.824.3344
Sponsor: UCI Interdisciplinary Center for the Scientific Study of Ethics and Morality Spring 2015 Ethics Workshop Series

- See more at: ht tp://ww w.socsci.uci.edu/newsevents/events/2015/2015-04-24-talk-like-a-man.php#sthash.Bof0gtsF.dpuf

Every woman wants to talk like a man.
FORWARD

We must all do our part to toe the political Party ™ line. Foods are no exception. All the People ™ must get their ration of Korrect Kookies ™ .

This is what you get when you remove half the filling.

KAMMERAT_X wrote:

ProgX.gif

We must all do our part to toe the political Party ™ line. Foods are no exception. All the People ™ must get their ration of Korrect Kookies ™ .

This is what you get when you remove half the filling.

cookie.jpg

That is great. I love cookies!

Grand Old Party (GOP)is redefined as Give Over Party (GOP), due to capitulating Republicans.

What does Hillary, Queen for life, the inevitable and deserving, Clinton and a rabid dog have in common?
They are both barking mad!

How many socialists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: none!

They closed all power generating plants, now we're all huddled in the dark so who needs a stinking lightbulb?