Did you know that the boy whom Putin kissed learned to fly? Or that Putin can browse the Internet with an abacus? Or that on his birthday critics drop dead from thinking bad thoughts about Putin?
Each year spent in the Kremlin makes the Motherland's President stronger, endowing him with more superpowers unbeknownst to man. For years, Party-approved rumors about Putin's supernatural abilities have been spreading over the internet in the Mother tongue. To translate them into the language of soulless capitalist oppressors is an idea whose time has come! If not now, when?
AS SEEN ON PAJAMAS MEDIA
A spoon that Putin ate from can heal cataracts and glaucoma.
A fork that Putin ate from can slay a vampire with one stab.
A chair that Putin sat on gets promoted to the rank of Major General.
When Putin was little, he broke a cup. The spilled water turned into oceans and the splinters became continents.
Putin's dog saved the world at least four times.
A combination of Putin's fingerprints reveals the State Seal of the Russian Federation.
Putin can scratch his own heel without bending over.
Shirts worn by Putin are sent to a secret military facility and converted to the strongest layer of armor for the Russian tanks.
Socks worn by Putin are routinely dropped on Chechen rebels.
Putin's used tissues become the property of the Department of Cartography and their content is classified.
In the movies, Putin's part is usually played by his twin brother Chuck Norris.
Putin can power up a microphone with his stare and shut down the Windows Media Player with his voice.
Putin can find out your home address just by looking at your comment on any website.
Putin can browse the Internet with a pocket calculator.
When Putin's name is typed, the first letter capitalizes itself.
By squinting his eye Putin can read and write multimedia DVDs.
Putin's stare has downed 15 American satellites spying over the Kremlin.
Putin's stare penetrates a ten foot lead wall and brings a kettle to a boil within 10 seconds from three miles away. For public safety he must wear special contact lenses at all times.
Chechen rebels blow themselves up when they hear Putin's true name.
Saying Putin's name repeatedly contributes to the common good in the universe.
Putin inhales carbon dioxide and exhales oxygen, ensuring the continuation of life on the planet.
Putin doesn't poop.
Inside Putin's nostrils grow miniature flowers pollinated by miniature bees.
Putin's love for humankind heats up the planet by 2.35 degrees annually - a phenomenon also known as the Global Warming.
Putin appeared in Thomas Edison's dream and revealed how to live in harmony with the Universe. But all Edison could remember in the morning was how to make the light bulb.
When Putin drives a vehicle, its engine gains 1,000 horsepower.
Putin doesn't need a mattress; he levitates in his sleep at an average citizen's eye level.
Once a month the full moon howls at Putin.
Putin helps the Russian economy by filling the Earth with oil from his personal reserves.
Everything Putin touches turns into a national project.
Putin knows every Russian citizen's name, address, and phone number. If you say a dirty word, Putin will call you in the evening to reprimand.
When Putin is sad, the national suicide statistics go up.
When Putin smiles, a child is born in Russia. If the smile is wider than usual, expect twins.
If a sunbeam shines beautifully through the clouds, Putin is nearby.
If you shake hands with Putin you will be taken to heaven alive.
If you hate Putin you may die early through your own fault.
If you pass this message to at least 10 different comrades in the next 15 minutes, you will receive an unexpected government subsidy and your enemies will have their gas and water cut off for a whole week.
Commissar PupovichThanks so much for the recommendation comrade Pinkie. I will certainly take it under the consideration it so richly deserves. BTW, there is yet another purpose it can be used for, which you can see if you go see The Heartbreak Kid in the movies right now.
LoneRedStarWhat is Super Putin communicating to Laika's cousin the infiltrator
Commissar PupovichEr... I hate to point this out.... but lets face it... we are talking Bush Sr. How much security does he need? Super Putin can hear everything the dog can hear with his super hearing, and can even see more than the noble dog with his super vision. Besides, even the most simple analysis can see that this communication was completely through brain wave transmission, an area the US lags far far behind. This communication is completely secure. Get with the program Comrades!
PinkieCommissar Pupovich, I notice from the above list of miracles attributed to Putin that he doesn't poop, but apparently he still pees.
Quote:If Putin doesn't poop but Putin does pee does Putin Poot? and if so are his Poots Peeps? These are questions which keep this poor comrade awake in the afternoon (instead of sleeping off the hangover from contemplating extensive posts with lots of figures)
Ivan BetinovGiven that the volume of Putin's colon is 6.2 liters and assuming a standard poliburo-level diet including no less than 17.4 grams of fat and 220 grams of carbohydrates, multiplying the coeficient by the secret number that will be revealed only if you say the magic woid (at which point a cuckoo will pop out of Dennis Kuchinick's forehead holding the number in his beak and you will win 50 carbon credits) I can confidently conclude that his flatus is indeed thunderous.
Quote:I can confidently conclude that his flatus is indeed thunderous.
Quote:So is that what caused the Tunguska Event?
Quote:For a long time, there had been tribal feuds between a group of Tungus clans in the basin of the Stony Tunguska and clans living along the right tributaries of the Lower Tunguska.... Then one of the shamans called the Agdy to destroy the hated enemies. Agdy came flying down upon the lands of the Shanyagir clan and brought disaster to many families of the Shanyagir: Some tents flew into the air, higher than the forest, and the people sleeping inside suffered from bruises. 250 reindeer vanished without any trace; other Tungus' dogs and some reindeer were killed; the storage platforms with bread and equipment were destroyed; the forest, a real, ancient taiga, was flattened within a few seconds to an expanse of approximately 10,000 km. In the catchment areas of the rivers Chambe, Zhilushmo and Khushmo; there was a tremendous thunderous noise, which caused crevices in the earth. The inhabitants of that part of the taiga fled in panic in all directions, leaving every last one of their belongings behind.
Red SquareSomeone sent these to the Cube a long time ago but I didn't know where to use them before. Now it all comes together.
Commissar PupovichSpeaking of superfriends....
Comrad BubalaskyIt appears Premier Putin is being targeted for assassination probably by non-other than Bushitler.
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