Yes, that's right - got an election to win? Would unsealing someone else's private divorce records give you that edge you need?

Well, we've got news for you! Formerly available only to Chicago-area congressional and presidential candidates, now you too can get the edge you need and deserve in your next election!

Developed and approved by David Axelrod, The Unsealer™ is GUARANTEED to unseal any divorce records you set your sights on and help you get the real dirt on that OTHER candidate or someone close to them.

And don't accept substitutes - this is the original Unsealer™, used by Barack Hussein Obama in both his 2004 primary and general election runs for congress, and about to be used again in the 2012 presidential election.

Don't wait - get yours today!

Ooo! Ooo! Comrade R.O.C.K.! I want mine! I hate privacy! I love dirt! And if there isn't any dirt, I'll make dirt out of nothing!

All hail Lord 0! All hail the god-state!

Can this resource be used for evil purposes, like for instance unsealing college transcripts or passport applications? I'm just worried it could fall into the wrong hands.

Comrade You Didn't Build That, The Unsealer™ only works for progressives, fortunately for us. It's a powerful tool, and while conservatives will no doubt claim that it only works for us because only progressives have sufficiently low morals and lack of conscience to put it to use, the Current Truth™ is that its developer, David Axelrod, conjured built in certain, shall we say, proprietary safeguards. I can only divulge a small hint, but would YOU like the spirit of Saul Alinsky hanging around YOUR house? Didn't think so.

'Nuff said.

Dear Comrade R.O.C.K.,

I am competing against a fellow worker for a promotion. He is sickeningly squeaky clean but I have heard rumors that he may have been molested as a child. Will the "Unsealer" even unearth sealed juvenile court and psychiatric records??

Signed: a fellow back-stabbing, typical "kiss-up & shit-down" rumor mongering progressive ladder climbing union member.

Tested and endorsed by His Holiness Bam-Bam Himself!

Comrade ROCK,

I know of this Unsealer™ firsthand having observed its clever use in Dear Leader's run for US Senate against Jack Ryan who would whooped his skinny, communist ass without lifting a single finger of debate. I believe it's all covered in the chapter "How to win an election by avoiding debates and other non-partisan tactics".

And one more thing: it's DARTH Axelrod: Esteemed Left Testicle of the Dark Lord Soros™.

Hey, Prole Rob, aren't you running against R.O.C.K. for the SEIU shop steward slot in the bunker? Oh....forget I asked

Comrade Brain-In-Jar,
I'm not picking sides, mind you, but Prole Robot sure has the look of a shop steward.
That SEIU quality of warmth and caring benevolence just shines through.

You have captured the essence of Obama's success. Kindly report to the whistle blower gulag for re-education.

Ivan Betinov wrote:Hey, Prole Rob, aren't you running against R.O.C.K. for the SEIU shop steward slot in the bunker? Oh....forget I asked

There is no Current Truth™ to the rumor that I, R.O.C.K. in the USSA, am running for any elective office. The very idea of being "elected" by a "majority vote" is simply beneath my delicate progressive sensibilities (unless, of course, the "election" were to be totally rigged).

Power is there to be seized, by any means necessary, not elected to. And the ends justify the means.

I do, however, own significant stock in The Original Unsealer™.

Any position not obtained by deception, exchange of "favors" and/or bribe is not worth having.

Krasnodar wrote:...Prole Robot sure has the look of a shop steward.
That SEIU quality of warmth and caring benevolence just shines through.

Comrade Spoon-Ready, are you referring to Comrade Robot's eye-mounted disintegrator ray?

Comrade Betinov,

Ivan Betinov wrote:Hey, Prole Rob, aren't you running against R.O.C.K. for the SEIU shop steward slot in the bunker? Oh....forget I asked

Well there is only so much room available when suckeling at the government teat (including our many titted empress) and why do a hard day of honest work when you can just buy the "Unsealer??" (The warning on the box does say that it can potentially permanently damage your or someone else's historical profile)

Exactly, Comrade Robot!

There's no reason to break a sweat doing actual work - just hang around on the campus of your choice (hint: assuming that you're not a white male, Affirmative Action is your Friend), do a little community organizing (whatever THAT is), put The Original Unsealer™ to work - and before you know it, that impossible to get government job is yours for the election!

Start building a government pension as soon as you're elected! Make shady back room deals with union thugs and billionaires! But not until you've put The Original Unsealer™ to work for you!

And remember - there's no such thing as "dirty work" with The Unsealer™ - the ends ALWAYS justify the means in the Progressive world of Next Tuesday™!

Get yours today!