With the launching of the BRAIN Initiative to map the human brain, we at The People's Cube can't help but wonder if his results would match our previous findings: The Democrat brain is radically different from the Republican brain.
In the beginning of 2006, the Washington Post reported on a revolutionary study, in which progressive researchers identified a fatal brain disorder responsible for the behavior of Republicans, Conservatives, and other capitalist class enemies.
As we contacted the scientists at the Karl Marx Treatment Center who conducted the study, they showed us blood-chilling CAT images of grotesquely deformed brains that had been allowed to grow without the caring guidance of the progressive establishment, proving without doubt that Republicanism was a direct result of a degenerative brain mutation.
In a deformed Republican brain, areas that normally control life-sustaining processes (the Guilt Gland, the Envy Center, or the Everything for Free Lobe, etc.) become miniaturized - while some undesirable regions get bloated out of proportions (the Personal Responsibility Lobe, the Self-Interest Cluster, or the overdeveloped and inflexible Spinal Cord that is connected to the Absolute Morality Lobe).
Symptoms of a Republican brain mutation include delusional ideas that a constitutional republic is the best known form of government, capitalism creates wealth, American culture stems from Judeo-Christian tradition, all people desire liberty and prosperity, Third World countries ought to be self-reliant, moral standards are absolute and objective, parents should teach children values and have a wide choice of schools, the individual supersedes the collective, and other similar incoherent ramblings that mimic the speech of the insane.
Everyone knows that the exact opposite is true.
As of yet, there is no cure for this disorder, which transforms the entire brain into a regressive biological structure. Fearing that this ailment can be contagious, doctors recommend quarantine and a warning for the public.
Karl Marx Treatment Center researchers are optimistic about finding a vaccine that will prevent this anomaly among children and the marginally afflicted, allowing their brains to be equal in structure, size, and content with those of progressive individuals.
A Center spokesperson indicated that the following therapies have proven effective in clinical trials, and will benefit those in need of treatment:
- A class in Social Studies at Columbia University.
- Regular intake of unbiased NPR programming (e.g., Fresh Air or News Hour)
- Exposure to a healthy and nourishing culture, including heavy doses of the Vagina Monologues, or any of the award-winning movies and documentaries by progressive Hollywood filmmakers.
- "Tough love" employment practices that will deny patients career advancement and higher-education opportunities while their brains self-heal to a normal progressive state.
If the above doesn't work, the researchers recommend that the afflicted receive a free trial subscription to The New York Times. If they renew, they will be considered cured.
Additionally, a composite sketch of a progressive Democrat brain has been completed in a separate study, which took twice as much time and money because this type of brain is always subject to change.
Now in our store:
Be sure to apply for your part of the Stimulus Package, since you did the Governments research as a "consultant."
I'll send you a bill as YOUR consultant...once you get paid. you're welcome.
The Resident Rooster,
On April 6, 2013, Financial Times writer, Evgeny Morozov, reminds us of the Glorious Google World that awaits us when ObamaBots become GoogleBots and vice-versa.
It reminds me of Maksim's masterpiece, "A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste":
AND it will be far more efficient AND will, of course, make "Universal Background Checks" far more comprehensive an effective:
If truly a "He" -
While the brain at the top may have accurately represented the typical Conservative Republican brain circa Ronald Reagan's time and before, fortunately things have moved FORWARD! since then.
Today, the Conservative Republican brain has oozed and fizzled itself into a shape remarkably consistent with the Progressive Democrat brain pictured above; in fact, in many cases it's difficult to tell them apart.
This is all for the good, of course.
As the USSA progresses toward the unity that our Dear Leader promised to bring, as the sea levels lower and Global Warming declines and moderates to 72 degrees everywhere, only the Teabaggers will have brains like the top one above. And soon, they will all be put away for thought crimes, as well they should be.
Yet again - it's a beautiful thing.
It has been discovered and promptly reported by Genosse Dummkopf, who has fished it out of the bowels of the German interwebs (posted here and here).
I'm told this map is also currently being translated into Polish.