Comrades, the situation is urgent!

Guam is liable to capsize, and only totalitarian socialism can save Guam, save the coral reefs, and save the Children™! We must put together our collective intelligence and find a way to save Guam by next Tuesday.

Of course, the Constitution doesn't matter on this issue (come to think of it, the Constitution doesn't matter to us on any issue), so we must take action now to increase taxes and force people to stop driving SUVs so Guam remains afloat.

Let us brainstorm, comrades.

Comrades with good ideas will be rewarded with extra beet rations and maybe even be awarded Hero of Cubist Labor by a powerful and influential Komissar. Comrades with bad ideas will be compassionately and sensitively directed to the end of life counseling facility at the nearest Karl Marx Treatment Center or state university.

How about it? What's your plan for saving Guam? First we blame Bush and then we...?

...tell those lazy good-for-nothing fat-assed Millitary Thugs (ugh) to spread themselves more evenly around the island. Or just die. Less votes for Repubricans I bet. Then we can stop wasting money on useless stuff like "national defense" and start spending it on important stuff, like the mating habits of college-aged females (which I would be happy to volunteer for- anything to help the economy).

I have the solution Comrades!

I will donate my Sputnik bilge pump that was issued to me by The Party if I should splash down in the Baltic Sea.

The bilge pump Hank inherited from Cynthia McNinney was over-wrought and over-used. Gears were missing teeth like the lady who was forced to wear her dead sister's dentures (Thank you GW Bush!) and the suction hose had the envelope pushed to the point of rupture.

If all of the collective donates their surplus bilge pumps to Hank, we can save Guam from listing to port side and capsizing. If we still need more bilge pumps, Chairman Zero will tax the filthy rich capitalists and buy some more from China.

Bilge Pumps for Hank Now!

Komissar Blogunov wrote:

Comrades, the situation is urgent! Guam is liable to capsize, and only totalitarian socialism can save Guam

My dear Komissar Blogunov,
Heh! heh! heh! There is an easy way to restore balance to Guam. Would you like for me to take care of it for you?
Heh! heh! heh!

Do not forget, comrades, I am His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular.

Dearest Idi,
You and Obamugabe should have some kind of contest to see who's the Proggier Dictator... maybe a race to see who can accumulate the most wealth from confiscating supplies sent by Western countries to aid your proletariat? Or how 'bout who can shoot the most dissidents before breakfast?

Hey there Dr. Amin ol' buddy. Remember me? You invited me over for a picnic at your Presidential Palace years ago and you had this really delicious pork BBQ. Very tender and succulent. Oddly, I was the only one enjoying it. Everyone else was picking at the salad. I'm afraid I made a bit of pig of myself (no pun intended). I guess many in your royal court were vegans. Silly people, they were missing out on some really good eats.

Anyway, I never been able to find any pork that tasted quite as good and I was wondering where you ever got it?

Get back to work!

Guam is sinking to port side and all I hear is pork sandwiches, vegans, and mating habits!
For Stalin's Sake, do something!

I have taken the Obama Liberty and charged one trillion triple Liverpool bilge pumps to the People's Credit Card™ at $2T each.
This should save Guam.

What?

Oh no, the Credit Card company said we've maxed the limit.

I know!
Let's HOPE™ Guam doesn't sink. Hope™ always works.
OK, everybody...on three....One, Two, Three....HOPE™!

I'm still going to donate my spare pump to Hank though.
That was a helluva lotta bilge I saw in that YouTube video.

Well hellooooo my dear Czar Czar,

I want you to be my special guest for dinner while we figure out something humanitarian to do for Guam.

Czar Czar wrote: You and Obamugabe should have some kind of contest to see who's the Proggier Dictator... maybe a race to see who can accumulate the most wealth from confiscating supplies sent by Western countries to aid your proletariat?

Ah yes, my dear. My dear friend, Robert Mugabe has a bit of an edge on me, I must admit, he's still at it today.

Or how 'bout who can shoot the most dissidents before breakfast?

Yes, my dear, that's always very sporting, don't you agree? Then serve em up then we dine on some fava beans. Heh! heh!

Warm regards,

His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular.

"A People's" solution.......

....we get Comrade Ben Linus to fall down a hole and turn the big wheel moving the tiny island before the American imperialist pigs led by Charles Widmore over populate it and force it to capsize.


Island in the sea
That is Guam we are
No one in between
Hank Johnson's is our Czar
Don't let them tip me
Capsize me in the sea
Cause we rely on Obama , ah ha
From one comrade to another , ah ha

• Blame Bush for the impending environmental catastrophe
• Use our vast array of bilge pumps to empty the Pacific Ocean into the Atlantic Ocean

The Second Plan Which We Shall Call Plan #2

• Blame Bush for the overpopulation of Guam
• Have Dr. Amin, our esteemed professor of geography, invite everybody in Guam for dinner

• Blame Bush for not appointing the World's Strongest Redneck to his cabinet
• Follow this man's brilliant plan for rescuing Guam

I'm down with Blaming Bush. Who isn't? But this World's Strongest R-word is a second cousin to Western Pennsylvania Bitter Clingers. He probably owns a bible and at least one gun, and as we all know, guns kill people and the Bible isn't a Koran.

Scratch # 4.

Dr. Amin would need a whole forest cut down just to make the charcoal briquets alone for the BBQ not to mention all the patchouli towers we'd have to dismantle, expropriate, and then reconstruct for sauce reservoirs. Clear cutting is not the answer. Patchouli-less protesters is not the answer.
I'm still down with Blaming Bush though.

Scratch # 3.

#2 Might work. I like the apology thing and George W. Bush's great grandpa ignited the coal dust in the coal bunker hold causing the explosion that sunk the USS Maine. I'm sure Chairman Zero would like to apologize again.

So, I guess it's down to 1 & 2.
Not that I'm tooting my own horn, but I'm still sticking with the bilge pumps.

The First Plan Which We Shall Call Plan #1

The Second Plan Which We Shall Call Plan #2

I think we should appoint a committee to see if it would be feasible to call Plan #2 Plan #1 and vice versa. We really do need to be thinking outside the box here, comrades, and to tie ourselves to the outdated and bourgeiose concept of linear and descriptive terminology is to fall into the trap of logic and practicality. I volunteer to chair this committee and think that a proper amount of funding should be provided for the People's Committee of Exo-Enclosed Cogitation, say $20 million for the first three weeks of operation. We should be able to produce a 2,000 - 3,000 page report sometime in the next six months.

We should be able to produce a 2,000 - 3,000 page report sometime in the next six months.

Why so skimpy? Is that the Congressional Cliff Notes Version?

{off}

This is the dumbest stuff I've heard from a congress"person" since Sheila Jackson Lee was at the JSC in Houston and wanted to see where Old Glory was planted on Mars by the astronauts.
WTF does he think an "island" is? A giant lilypad for frogs?
Hmmm....? 24 miles by 7 miles, what could possibly be the square miles of this lilypad?
I think I'll go ask Kermit. If he doesn't know, I guess I'll ask Miss Piggy but what would a pig know about lilypads?
If this was a Republican, Olberdouchemann, Lettersack, and Jay Lemon would never shut up.
Jon Stewart would be having an orgasm.

Czar Czar wrote:...tell those lazy good-for-nothing fat-assed Millitary Thugs (ugh) to spread themselves more evenly around the island. Or just die. Less votes for Repubricans I bet. Then we can stop wasting money on useless stuff like "national defense" and start spending it on important stuff, like the mating habits of college-aged females (which I would be happy to volunteer for- anything to help the economy).

As a high Party member, I demand oversight for said research project. I need a topic for my graduation paper (sure, it will be a few years old by then, but hey, get a head start on it I say).

Laika the Space Dog wrote:I'm down with Blaming Bush. Who isn't? But this World's Strongest R-word is a second cousin to Western Pennsylvania Bitter Clingers.

Where is this Western PA of which you speak? Do you mean Far Eastern Ohio? Likewise there is no Eastern PA, it's merely the Western frontier of the People's Republic of New Jersey.