![]() | Fight against climate change has taken a new dimension Monday as a new legal defense group, Spiritual Lawyers Against Natural Disasters (SLAND), initiated international class-action litigation against God for the environmental destruction and Global Warming that has resulted from acts that He has caused to occur. "For many years enviro-activists, spearheaded by Al Gore and financed by trial lawyers, have been pointing to human greed, oil industries, and Western capitalism-based societies as the main causes of Global Warming," said SLAND lead attorney and Executive Director, Peacedove Handwring at a press conference. "While all these factors are a fine cause for international insurance litigation, the primary culprit of climate change that is more powerful and more difficult to deal with, has so far escaped attention of our lawyers. That culprit is God." |
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"May 18, 1980 was the day that produced more global-warming emissions than any single event in human history. In that 24-hour period, more toxic pollutants were spewed into the Earth's biosphere than any single day, week, month or year before or since. And it had absolutely nothing to do with humans: it was the eruption of the volcano known as Mt. St. Helens in Washington.
"We in the progressive environmental movement had little to say about this, because most policy experts and scientists dismissed this as a 'natural disaster.' But who is ultimately responsible for supposedly 'natural disasters' such as this? Only one person: God.

"Furthermore, as we allege in our federal complaint, God has been singularly responsible for the repeated ice ages that have plagued the Earth since He supposedly created it, each of which was followed by periods of global warming. We consider it eminently unfair that during these unnatural temperature cycles, so many species could not adapt and went extinct. After all - who is He to play... God!?"
Responding to critics who claim that the SLANDers are pursuing a legal dead-end by suing God, Ms. Handwring said: "It is beyond dispute that we in the progressive community have mastered the art of using the law, schools and public news media to advance anti-industrial, anti-freedom, anti-capitalist, and anti-human perceptions and values. But while we have focused on factories and automobiles and the like, we've allowed God - the most grievous violator of our right to a clean environment - to not face the responsibility or consequences for the fact that He has been the primary cause of Global Warming.
"Consider other supposedly 'natural disasters' that also contribute more to global warming than humans ever could. Lightning strikes a forest and it goes up in flames, belching clouds of toxic materials into the atmosphere. Until now, we chalked it up to a 'random occurrence.' But who is really responsible? That's right - God.

"We at SLAND are now going to marshal and focus our legal skills, and all the resources at our avail, to expose this travesty, and to finally hold God accountable, both in a court of law, and in the so-called 'court of public opinion.' Then, and only then, will we be able to deal with the real cause of so many needless deaths of humans, animals and plants," Handwring said.
The first stage of SLANDers' campaign will be massive public demonstrations by the most notorious enviro-activists who have protested throughout the world over the past 40 years. Ms. Handwring's convincing PowerPoint presentation gave the assembled journalists a preview of what may be coming to a park, shopping mall, or public school near you:

Anonymous members of the newly-forming "SLANDers Loonbat Protest Brigade"
As of this time, God was unavailable for comment. One of God's spokesmen, St. Ernest, however, issued the following statement: "While God certainly respects Ms. Handwring and her fellow attorneys at SLAND, at the moment He is too busy trying to deal with the insanity of religious wars occurring throughout the world to respond to her accusations as fully as He'd like. We are, however, in receipt of the SLANDers' discovery motions, and will be responding to them at our earliest opportunity. And although we aren't sure which court would have jurisdiction in such a cosmic matter, God is eagerly looking forward to defending both Himself and human freedom against SLANDers' allegations."
Adapted for the People's Cube
from Jon Quixote World blog
| HOW BAD IS GOD'S CONTRIBUTION TO CLIMATE CHANGE? Every year about 60 volcanoes erupt. The following eruption magnitude scale - called the Volcanic Explosivity Index or VEI - is based on a number of things that can be observed during an eruption.
Source: University of North Dacota |
Hoping that God might have a home page somewhere on the Internet, we Googled Him and it turned out we were right. Not only does God have a free home page at Geocities.com, He also has a 1-900 number. Unfortunately, the web page hasn't been updated since 1998, hence no information regarding the lawsuit, nor His current position on Global Warming. The 1-900 number connects to a lengthy message on the answering machine, claiming to provide us with an actual proof that the author is, in fact, the Supreme Creator of the Entire Planet Earth and Everything on it. It also tells us that God's real name is Jeremiah Thornton. We hope you have a good lawyer, Mr. Thornton - or you'll be made to compensate the victims of every 'act of God' in history including Hurricane Katrina which was, we are told, the result of Global Warming. The Loonbat Protest Brigade is on its way. You better have some helpful answers, Mister - or experience the wrath of environmental protesters and their lawyers! | ![]() |
Quote:
I have an irrational desire to beat it mercilessly with a bat...Premier Betty
Quote:
I have an irrational desire to beat it mercilessly with a bat...Miss Information
'God's role in catastrophic climate change should encourage the US to ban all religious content immediately.Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Yes, I agree (in all my infinite wisdom and knowledge, naturally) that the Zionist Imperialist Cosmo-Nazis (who are trying to colonize space before we do) are CUBELY to blame for this latest outrage!Great Stalin's Ghost
SMO, when in doubt, blame the Jews.Quote:
Oh, and Red Square, great plan. It will fool moose and squirrel for sure.Great Stalin's Ghost
So in a way, we can attach this series of crimes against the environment to the Zionists' rap sheet. After all, they can be thought of as the press agents for God!Sister Massively Opiated
Well hell... someone shoot me now...Miss Information
This is what happens when one identifies with any group of humanity other than the Party! But never fear, I will register my proposal with Our Beloved Leader that a simple course of re-education will do.Sister Massively Opiated
...and if I'm purged, who will clean up the mess?Red Square
Sister Massively Opiated
...and if I'm purged, who will clean up the mess?Sister Massively Opiated
<Yis-gadal v'yis-kadash sh'mey raba...>Red Square
(If anyone else needs technical assistance in restoring and reinforcing tongue-in-cheek techniques, try using lollipops).Great Stalin's Ghost
Sister Massively Opiated
<Yis-gadal v'yis-kadash sh'mey raba...>Red Square
Ah, the Lenin Code story... Wait, we'll post a few more Global Warming stories, then we'll unveil the Lenin Code...
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+
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...




Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Someone beat ya to it, SMO.Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Speaking of bloated capitalist lackey LIES LIES LIES... I think - and I'm thinking because I care - that The People need a proper word to counter-balance the decadent, exploitive, hate-filled and...uhhh... hate-filled "MegaDittos" that is used as a greeting by Limbaugh listeners. So far we have "pro-active, sporks and spoons!" for a rallying cry... now we need a greeting... something that sums up our progressive wisdom... something... uhhh, something... something good, yeah, something good.Red Square
He's the kind of a motormouth who delivers more sense and hilarity in 3 hrs than some progressive broadcasters don't deliver in their entire careers. AND THIS IS WHY WE NEED TO INSTITUTE "FAIRNESS IN BROADCASTING™!" We need to dilute his intensity with some lukewarm inanity coming from a puny-minded weak liberal who will get equal time and equal pay.... Who would be the best pair for Rush if they are forced to work as a duo? Maher? Colbert? Garofalo? Franken? We'll need to keep a teem of psychiatrists and intensive care units standing by at all times to prevent breakdowns and meltdowns. But that's a show I'd pay dearly to see.Sister Massively Opiated
I thought Aaron Brown was a fully enfranchised necro-proxy... you mean he's not dead?Sister Massively Opiated
well hell... that site just got bookmarked... LOLQuote:
Phil Donahue is a good pickSister Massively Opiated
Premier Betty
Quote:
I have an irrational desire to beat it mercilessly with a bat...Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Speaking of bloated capitalist lackey LIES LIES LIES... I think - and I'm thinking because I care - that The People need a proper word to counter-balance the decadent, exploitive, hate-filled and...uhhh... hate-filled "MegaDittos" that is used as a greeting by Limbaugh listeners. So far we have "pro-active, sporks and spoons!" for a rallying cry... now we need a greeting... something that sums up our progressive wisdom... something... uhhh, something... something good, yeah, something good.| Related Articles | Author | Replies | Views | |
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