
"We can't be distracted at a time when our hands are busy expanding the government sector," said Mrs. Palmer. "We see it as our job, to stave off the President's shrinking approval rating and make Senator Reid a Happy Harry. We were instrumental in last year's flogging of General Motors, beating off the pirates, and freeing the hostages. Public exposure seriously jeopardizes the steady growth of SEC's regulatory enforcement authority. We will not allow this prematurely disseminated 'news' shame thousands of our hardworking staffers who deserve a raise," she said. Our correspondent took the opportunity to take a tour of the SEC and speak with its staffers.
Rusty Palms from Human Resources agreed to squeeze an interview into his busy schedule, between faxing Jimmy Dean and meeting with Mr. Thumb and his four partners. He was happy to get a load off his mind: "We're going blind at our computer monitors trying to give the economy a helping hand," he said. "I think the reporters should stop blowing their horns at the SEC and go back to belaboring the obvious. Now if you excuse me I must give someone the John Hancock."
The SEC manager in charge of Kleenex deliveries, Bobby Longfellow, spoke to us in the loading dock while adjusting the antenna on one of his trucks. "All this media ruckus is like going five against one. But working for the government, you get used to it," he said. "At least our work keeps the tissue industry in business."
"I've never been so busy in my life," agreed the SEC garage supervisor Jack McNasty. All I do is change oil, grease the axle, check the hand breaks, wax the car, and fix the pipes. In the end of the day there's no juice in me left even for batting practice with my best friend Shorty."
Fistina Willies, the SEC accountant whose computer allegedly contained 600 pornographic images, was busy debugging her hard drive. "I'm overwhelmed by a mound of work related to underhanded dealings I have to probe," she said. "The laptop on my lap gives me sweaty thighs, and I'm working my fingers to the bone doing repetitive activities. But this job pays my bills. I don't want to be out in the streets shaking hands with the unemployed. A job in hand is better than two in the bush. Which reminds me, I used to have my fingers full with my own personal Bush policy issues. I can't go into all the details but some of what the previous administration requested from me to do really rubbed me raw", she stated. "At least now I got my own PDA - Personal Digital Assistant - that makes finishing tasks at hand a breeze."
Like many at the organization, a senior SEC lawyer Frank Spanking was wearing thick tinted eyeglasses. "I was so busy climbing the corporate ladder, I have hardly any time for personal life, although I'm known to be a virtuoso flute soloist and used to climb Mount Baldy and date Miss Michigan as a law student. But now as the economy hit the speed bump, all I can afford is couch hockey, five-minute vacations south of the border, and quick dates with Mrs. Fist in the closet. "My eyes are getting weaker, so I'm glad Obamacare was passed, it'll keep the optometrists in business for a long time," he said.
We found Bobby Whiteknuckler in the SEC self-service cafeteria, at the table underneath a framed depiction of Colonel Sanders' Heimlich Maneuver, as he was bunning his hot dog and spreading the mayo in solitude. Mr. Whiteknuckler described his job at the SEC as doing the unionized janitor thing - buffing the wood, polishing the knob, spackling the ceiling, manning the hand cream dispenser, handling heavy equipment, and doing other manual labor. "Someone has to do the handiwork down here while others are manning the cockpit and phoning the czar," said Mr. Whiteknuckler.
"Making sense of the economic crisis is like getting your palm read by Mister Softee. We the government employees must simply take matters into our own hands and give the economy a good once over," he added and called down for more mayo to the cafeteria workers who were in the kitchen peeling the carrots, frosting the pastries, stirring the yogurt, unwrapping the pepperoni, and tossing the salad for the upcoming staff meeting.
On Capitol Hill, the Senate is using SEC recommendations to work up a lather on erecting regulatory oversight of the financial industry with the goal of preventing another withering Wall Street climax, like the one in 2008 that gave rise to the U.S. recession. The bill includes a $50 billion repudiation fund created with money from banks and other finance industry corporations to ensure an orderly cover-up of failing and shrinking entities.
"This is far too important to be left hanging," warned Congressional Staffer Johnson Pullins. "We're going to have to act in a bipartisan fashion, reach around, left or right, if we want a happy ending to this sticky issue."


Commodore Snoogie Woogums
A picture is worth a thousand words!
... who really know how to turn heads. . --GAIA Minister Neytiri







Red Square
The SEC workers, who were being paid between $99,000 and $223,000 a year for sharpening their pencils, were nervously gripping their glue sticks and whiteouts as their chief executive Mrs. Palmer and her five associates were taking a stand before the members of the media.
GAIA Minister Neytiri


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