WASHINGTON (PC) - A divided Supreme Court ruled Thursday that private property is a big lie concocted by the Bush Administration to further its capitalist agenda, in a decision anxiously awaited by all communists and other progressive pressure groups in America.
The Supreme Court's decree cleared the way for the city of New London, Conn., to seize private homes and businesses, against the owners' will, and bulldoze family residences in order to build projects that generate more tax revenue for the Common Good™.
"The collective must prevail over the individual," says New London Mayor. "That is why we support forced collectivization of homes, properties, wives, and their offspring. Ideally, we would like to see a 90% tax hike, hard labor camps in the suburbs, and the construction of a gigantic marble palace in place of City Hall, with diamond-incrusted golden urinals for our valued guests. Because the public may not immediately realize that it is all being done in their best interest, we may have to postpone elections until all rebellious individuals have been captured and put to productive labor at the diamond mine."
"Thanks to the new ruling, the level of Common Good in the State of Connecticut will soon exceed those in neighboring states," says local non-partisan councilman L. Trotsky. "It is high time we dispensed with the bourgeois concept of private property, a cornerstone of capitalism and the so-called liberties."
"The judges knew exactly what they were doing," says Connecticut grassroots activist A. Gramsci. "Our strategy of controlling the judicial nominations process has paid off. Let the silly conservatives celebrate their precious little election victories. Those victories will soon be annulled by a panel of unelected judges appointed by us. This day shall be celebrated in centuries as the breaking point in the power structure of world's last citadel of capitalism."
Gfizzle, anxious local resident
"When will the looting begin? - I mean the 'lawful' liberation of public property," wonders Gfizzle, an anxious local resident. "I've spent two whole days and nights here and I'm not going home until I fill these bags! My kids need iPods and my girlfriend needs a widescreen plasma TV. That there house has one just like in the commercial."
The 5-4 ruling - lauded by Marxist theoreticians and practitioners alike - declares all property a collective possession and outlaws further attempts by the kulaks to claim "ownership" or to protect their perceived "private property" from the government's rightful prerogative to confiscate it on behalf of the The Greater Good™.
The selfish and greedy bourgeois renegades, who still cling to their unlawful possessions, will be hunted down, put on public show trials, purged, and sent off to re-education centers. There, under the supervision of caring state commissars, they will shovel permafrost in the tundra as part of their hard labor therapy until they denounce false bourgeois consciousness and embrace progressive collectivism.
Inspired by the ruling, New London authorities are already revising their original plans to build an office complex, which they labelled "small potatoes" in light of the new opportunities that the Supreme Court's decision has opened. Much more interesting revenue-generating ideas include brothels, casinos, oil rigs, and Plutonium quarries. A new initiative is already in the works. It entails bulldozing the downtown district so that a huge diamond mine can be excavated in front of the Mayor's office.
The decision also cleared the way for powerful business people to raze the offices and facilities of their competitors by bribing local bureaucrats and declaring the area in question "collective property". The decline of competition and subsequent corruption will lead to a crackdown on businesses and a widespread collectivization of capital and the means of production, including the facilities to be built in New London, which served as a pretext for today's ruling. Because, as we all know, the issue is not the issue - the revolution is the issue.
His Excellency Jiang Zemin here, President of the People's Republic of China!
I would like to congratulate you all on a very good decision! In fact, this decision will make things much easier for us.
As you all know, we are communists, but we are not your mother's communists! We are the NEW communists, and we are ready for action!
While we believe fully in the collective and in destroying America and all it stands for, we realize that capitalism is a necessary evil. That is why we have been selling you loads of crap all these years! Wal Mart is our favorite American entity!
You buy your mechanical Santa Clause, cheap bathing suit, and whorey facial cosmetics from us, thinking "what a great deal!" Meanwhile, we sit back and count the money.
Well, Phase One is complete, and we are on track with our trade surplus. The money will now be used for Phase Two: Acquisition!
You see, while you Americans talk about a "service economy" and legislate yourselves to death, we are working! Do you even know what your country makes anymore? We don't lose money when we make something. Our employess aren't treated like the prize pandas! Your lazy workers barely move and get free medicine, high wages, all the beer they can drink and massages! That is fine if you are chopping workers up to sell as Kobe Beef! Every employee in America makes as much as ten thousand Chinese employees!
No, fat lazy Americans, we have a central government all on the same page, and more crappy stuff to send your way too! We burn what we want, emit what we want, kill what we want, sell what we want and take what we want! Booya!
Acquisition means we will start buying you in pieces! Simultaneously, we will enhance our military might! Soon, America will be a pathetic, nonproductive, sissified whimpering mess. We will merely have to threaten the likes of your Dick Durbin or your Hillary Clinton, and watch them roll over! After all, we will be giving them their campaign money! We will OWN THEM!
But back to my original point. This fine decision by your Supreme Court is exactly what we would have done once we were in charge! You have set the ball rolling well in advance! It will be much easier to finish you off now! So thanks again, and start learning Chinese!
PS Click on the link for a cool "hip" picture of me!
Live 8, Dead 10 million?
I must ask you all a question. What does the phrase "make poverty history" mean? I have been hearing this often from Sir Robert Geldof, grand kleagle of the rock and roll movement.
Does he mean "make poverty history" the way Stalin did, with initiatives like collective farming and the oh so lovely Gulags? Stalin REALLY made poverty history. If they do mean this, what do they propose? I am all for a good idea, but all I see is a concert which will certainly attract the impoverished, but will not add to their rolls in significant numbers.
The new developer intends on using the seized property to construct a marina that will provide slips exclusively for the pleasure crafts of the Party elite.
More land grabs
More land grabsLooks like someone wants to grab Souter's home in New Hampshire for a hotel:
Damn those irreverent libertarians! How dare they try to make a mockery of our progressive Supremes with this childish "Hotel Lost Liberty" project.
Copies of Ayn Rand's abominable Atlas Shrugged in every room; it's simply ghastly.
We want...no, our community DEMANDS what is OURS!