WASHINGTON (PC) - A divided Supreme Court ruled Thursday that private property is a big lie concocted by the Bush Administration to further its capitalist agenda, in a decision anxiously awaited by all communists and other progressive pressure groups in America.
The Supreme Court's decree cleared the way for the city of New London, Conn., to seize private homes and businesses, against the owners' will, and bulldoze family residences in order to build projects that generate more tax revenue for the Common Good™.
"The collective must prevail over the individual," says New London Mayor. "That is why we support forced collectivization of homes, properties, wives, and their offspring. Ideally, we would like to see a 90% tax hike, hard labor camps in the suburbs, and the construction of a gigantic marble palace in place of City Hall, with diamond-incrusted golden urinals for our valued guests. Because the public may not immediately realize that it is all being done in their best interest, we may have to postpone elections until all rebellious individuals have been captured and put to productive labor at the diamond mine."
"Thanks to the new ruling, the level of Common Good in the State of Connecticut will soon exceed those in neighboring states," says local non-partisan councilman L. Trotsky. "It is high time we dispensed with the bourgeois concept of private property, a cornerstone of capitalism and the so-called liberties."
"The judges knew exactly what they were doing," says Connecticut grassroots activist A. Gramsci. "Our strategy of controlling the judicial nominations process has paid off. Let the silly conservatives celebrate their precious little election victories. Those victories will soon be annulled by a panel of unelected judges appointed by us. This day shall be celebrated in centuries as the breaking point in the power structure of world's last citadel of capitalism."
Gfizzle, anxious local resident
"When will the looting begin? - I mean the 'lawful' liberation of public property," wonders Gfizzle, an anxious local resident. "I've spent two whole days and nights here and I'm not going home until I fill these bags! My kids need iPods and my girlfriend needs a widescreen plasma TV. That there house has one just like in the commercial."
The 5-4 ruling - lauded by Marxist theoreticians and practitioners alike - declares all property a collective possession and outlaws further attempts by the kulaks to claim "ownership" or to protect their perceived "private property" from the government's rightful prerogative to confiscate it on behalf of the The Greater Good™.
The selfish and greedy bourgeois renegades, who still cling to their unlawful possessions, will be hunted down, put on public show trials, purged, and sent off to re-education centers. There, under the supervision of caring state commissars, they will shovel permafrost in the tundra as part of their hard labor therapy until they denounce false bourgeois consciousness and embrace progressive collectivism.
Inspired by the ruling, New London authorities are already revising their original plans to build an office complex, which they labelled "small potatoes" in light of the new opportunities that the Supreme Court's decision has opened. Much more interesting revenue-generating ideas include brothels, casinos, oil rigs, and Plutonium quarries. A new initiative is already in the works. It entails bulldozing the downtown district so that a huge diamond mine can be excavated in front of the Mayor's office.
The decision also cleared the way for powerful business people to raze the offices and facilities of their competitors by bribing local bureaucrats and declaring the area in question "collective property". The decline of competition and subsequent corruption will lead to a crackdown on businesses and a widespread collectivization of capital and the means of production, including the facilities to be built in New London, which served as a pretext for today's ruling. Because, as we all know, the issue is not the issue - the revolution is the issue.
More land grabsLooks like someone wants to grab Souter's home in New Hampshire for a hotel:
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