Our People's Glossary defines competition as "insensitive ritual steeped in social Darwinism. We cannot allow the fittest to survive in our society. Your loss is someone else's gain, and your gain is someone else's loss. Therefore, losers contribute to the society and winners take away from it. Being a winner is unethical, while a society of losers is happy, moral, and prosperous as a collective. A progressive society of the future, steeped in diversity, inclusiveness, and collectivism, shall have no winners. Everyone will be a loser, which in our book means ethical team player."
The progressive society of the future will surely have Progressive Olympics. But they won't organize on their own - we must first create an alternative progressive world championship, to overshadow and eventually replace the current stone-age Olympics.
And what a glorious vision it is - beginning with solar-powered Olympic flame and Section 8 housing at the Olympic Village, to equality of outcomes for all! All the medals to be replaced with Carbon Credits and redistributed to the athletically challenged. National Anthems to be replaced with songs from Glee and the term "winners" with "disproportionally successful participants." And if we still get the feeling that our self-esteem hasn't been sufficiently elevated, we will blame the previous Olympics for our failure to achieve equal results at this Olympics.
Here are suggestions for new, modernized Olympic events:
• The High Tax Jump
• Non-Fencing Along The Southern Border
• Synchronized Astroturfing
• Long Jump Followed By The Guilt Trip
• "Critical Mass" Cycling In Traffic
• Underwater Mortgage Payments
• Unemployment Line Standing
• Filling Out Applications For Gov't Aid
• Demanding Healthcare Reform Now!
• Police Car Pooping
Among Obama-inspired events:
• Teleprompter Dancing
• Extreme Fingerpointing
• Apology Tourism
• Synchronized Fainting
On your Marx, comrades!
Most of these suggestions have been already presented by @ThePeoplesCube on Twitter at #ProgressiveOlympics. Speaking of which, it is time for one or more Cubist volunteers to monitor Twitter, especially the hashtag games, and post the best quips on the Collective Blog for all to see, share, and offer their own quips under 140 characters long.
Praise Lenin for you! These "Olympic" Games have been making me quite angry due to all the Injustice that pervades them. Who are these "winners"? *spit*. They won nothing, somebody else made that happen and that somebody else is the kollective. How dare they have podiums and be elevated above the others, it's not, not, not Fair. Only our Dear Leader ™ Barack Hussein Obama is above us.
Now with your glorious idea of The Progressive Games, equality ™ can be achieved and everyone will receive a medal. I am thrilled that sameness will finally be achieved in athletic endeavors. You are indeed a hero of the Party!
Red SquareThe progressive society of the future will surely have Progressive Olympics. But they won't organize on their own - we must first create an alternative progressive world championship, to overshadow and eventually replace the current stone-age Olympics.
A Progressive Olympics won't have individuals competing. Collectives will spontaneously form to bring life to super-collective Olypiteams whose synergistic collective efforts at the super-team level will work and toil at levels of athletics and cooperation never seen before and thus so show the world once and for all the superiority of socialized communist super-teams, collectivism, and sacrifice for the sake of sacrifice the like of which will inspire the masses to new never before dreamed of heights and seize the day!!!
Here are a few more suggestions for progressive events:
-The Prole Vault
-The 50 K-Y
-Face LIFTING (inner party "heavy-weights" only)
-re-CYCLING (of used bike tires)
-BOXING (of gifts for inner party members)
Competition: "Barbaric, insensitive ritual steeped in social Darwinism. We cannot allow the fittest to survive in our society. Your loss is someone else's gain, and your gain is someone else's loss. Therefore, losers contribute to the society and winners take away from it. Being a winner is unethical, while a society of losers is happy, moral, and prosperous as a collective. A progressive society of the future, steeped in diversity, inclusiveness, and collectivism, shall have no winners. Everyone will be a loser, which in our book means ethical team player."
But I digress and add a few of my own events for Peoples' Most Equal Progressive Olympics:
* Synchronized Pooping
* Running with Scissors
And of course, The People's Cube Completion competition.!
Obama will make his entrance by parachuting in, just like he parachuted into bin Laden's compound to single-handedly take him out! (BTW, isn't tomorrow or the day after the 15 month anniversary of his Gutsy Call™ ?)
And then comes the parade of Special Interest Groups! Minorities . . . gays . . . women with their bare boobs flapping and flopping in the breeze . . . public employee unions . . . environmentalists . . . activists clad in black hoods and orange jumpsuits to show their solidarity with the oppressed in Gitmo . . . anyone whose plight can only be saved by a government program . . . anyone who's a victim . . . why, the list goes on and on, just like the zeroes in RobbedMe's bank book! (Yes, there's enough zeroes for all of us, comrades, which is why that money should be ours! OURS!)
All of this will culminate in the lighting of the torch, which of course will be a collective effort: Everyone will swarm out of the stadium and head downtown to set fire to the business district.
To of course the strains of, "Can't stop thinking about tomorrow," or the song which I am currently on work on as my contribution to the Progressive Olympics: "If it's not nailed down, it's mine, and if I could get it, it wasn't nailed down."
So we can give our prizes and say with certainty to the winners in the iron-lung race, "You didn't do that."
Then what would the Prog Olympics ™ be without the "Glob of Tissue Toss".
It's gotta be the all time Prog favorite event.
I have a vision of a Progressive Olympics where every participant and audience member not only receives a ribbon before the events start, but where the winner of any event is shot for damaging the self esteem of those who won a moral victory by selflessly allowing others to win.
Those who achieve moral victories of political correctness and repressed athleticism are the true heroes here, and each of these victories is truly a victory for the collective which also restrained itself from the dubious act of competition.
The PC Long Jump:
http://news.yahoo.com/swiss-olympian-ex ... 12456.html
Only Properly Progressive Proles will be allowed to compete! (I bet they both like Chk-fil-A, too!)
After all, proles do the work. We don't. We're the smartest people around and are owed JUST BECAUSE WE'RE SO GODDAMNED SMART. That's not work. That's a natural aristocracy.
I gently suggest that a PPP is in effect either oxymoronic or perhaps an elision. They're proper because they're proles and because they listen to progs.
Damn. I'm glad I don't have to really work. That's HARD.
Or, we could be more discreet with the "Accidental Breaststroke".