We Need Progressive Olympics!

The opening Olympic ceremony in London has been so progressive that all the planned competitive events in the following week will surely be seen as an outmoded form of ancient barbarism, which they are. Archery? Javelin? They can only seem useful and not a complete waste of people's calories if we tie Sarah Palin to the stake as a target. The most barbaric part of the games is, of course, the very notion of competition.

Our People's Glossary defines competition as "insensitive ritual steeped in social Darwinism. We cannot allow the fittest to survive in our society. Your loss is someone else's gain, and your gain is someone else's loss. Therefore, losers contribute to the society and winners take away from it. Being a winner is unethical, while a society of losers is happy, moral, and prosperous as a collective. A progressive society of the future, steeped in diversity, inclusiveness, and collectivism, shall have no winners. Everyone will be a loser, which in our book means ethical team player."

The progressive society of the future will surely have Progressive Olympics. But they won't organize on their own - we must first create an alternative progressive world championship, to overshadow and eventually replace the current stone-age Olympics.

And what a glorious vision it is - beginning with solar-powered Olympic flame and Section 8 housing at the Olympic Village, to equality of outcomes for all! All the medals to be replaced with Carbon Credits and redistributed to the athletically challenged. National Anthems to be replaced with songs from Glee and the term "winners" with "disproportionally successful participants." And if we still get the feeling that our self-esteem hasn't been sufficiently elevated, we will blame the previous Olympics for our failure to achieve equal results at this Olympics.

Here are suggestions for new, modernized Olympic events:

• The High Tax Jump
• Non-Fencing Along The Southern Border
• Synchronized Astroturfing
• Long Jump Followed By The Guilt Trip
• "Critical Mass" Cycling In Traffic
• Underwater Mortgage Payments
• Unemployment Line Standing
• Filling Out Applications For Gov't Aid
• Demanding Healthcare Reform Now!
• Police Car Pooping

Among Obama-inspired events:

• Speed-Bowing
• Teleprompter Dancing
• Extreme Fingerpointing
• Apology Tourism
• Synchronized Fainting

On your Marx, comrades!
______________________________

P.S.

Most of these suggestions have been already presented by @ThePeoplesCube on Twitter at #ProgressiveOlympics. Speaking of which, it is time for one or more Cubist volunteers to monitor Twitter, especially the hashtag games, and post the best quips on the Collective Blog for all to see, share, and offer their own quips under 140 characters long.


 

Comrade Red Square,

Praise Lenin for you! These "Olympic" Games have been making me quite angry due to all the Injustice that pervades them. Who are these "winners"? *spit*. They won nothing, somebody else made that happen and that somebody else is the kollective. How dare they have podiums and be elevated above the others, it's not, not, not Fair. Only our Dear Leader ™ Barack Hussein Obama is above us.

Now with your glorious idea of The Progressive Games, equality ™ can be achieved and everyone will receive a medal. I am thrilled that sameness will finally be achieved in athletic endeavors. You are indeed a hero of the Party!

I remain,
Dr. Chicago
 

Red Square

The progressive society of the future will surely have Progressive Olympics. But they won't organize on their own - we must first create an alternative progressive world championship, to overshadow and eventually replace the current stone-age Olympics.

A Progressive Olympics won't have individuals competing. Collectives will spontaneously form to bring life to super-collective Olypiteams whose synergistic collective efforts at the super-team level will work and toil at levels of athletics and cooperation never seen before and thus so show the world once and for all the superiority of socialized communist super-teams, collectivism, and sacrifice for the sake of sacrifice the like of which will inspire the masses to new never before dreamed of heights and seize the day!!!

Forward!!!
 

Brilliant, dear comrade!

Here are a few more suggestions for progressive events:

-The Prole Vault
-Freestyle Rapping
-Even-Playing-Field Bars
-Butterfly Catch-and-Release
-The 50 K-Y
 

Peoples event news of Peoples Olympics was overshadowed last week by media complaints about Fascist Pig candidate Romney saying London is not prepared. But he was not aware Peoples Games had already begun. Teams of Peoples Kollectives have been running 440 pick pocket and purse snatch relays for a fortnight and awarding themselves over 1700 times with wallets, iPhones, and high end watches which were previously controlled by undeserving bourgoise tourists. Peoples Olympic Kommittee Chairperson has declared event will continue until no person has more than any other person which is not conferred by the Kollective and nothing has any personal value. Perfektion has its price which all Comrades must pay except Peoples Chairperson and Kommissars.
 

A few more event recommendations:

-Dumpster DIVING
-Face LIFTING (inner party "heavy-weights" only)
-re-CYCLING (of used bike tires)
-bi-curious ATHLON
-BOXING (of gifts for inner party members)
 

Track and **field***? These enemies of the people know nothing of fields. I have not seen a single skull.
 

It is important that the glory of the victories go solely to the respective homelands, and that the pride be felt by all citizens equally. Hence all competitors should be stripped of their individual identities for the duration of the games. To prevent any claim to personal accomplishment later on, atheletes should further be required to wear masks during and after all events, and whenever photographers are present. Press interviews should be forbidden. If medals are to be awarded, they should be given only to the nations' leaders.
 

Nyet! Medals should be distributed fairly to all athletes, winners and losers. To quote from our beloved and most equal Peoples Glossary™:

Competition: "Barbaric, insensitive ritual steeped in social Darwinism. We cannot allow the fittest to survive in our society. Your loss is someone else's gain, and your gain is someone else's loss. Therefore, losers contribute to the society and winners take away from it. Being a winner is unethical, while a society of losers is happy, moral, and prosperous as a collective. A progressive society of the future, steeped in diversity, inclusiveness, and collectivism, shall have no winners. Everyone will be a loser, which in our book means ethical team player."

But I digress and add a few of my own events for Peoples' Most Equal Progressive Olympics:


* Synchronized Pooping
* Running with Scissors
* Looting


And of course, The People's Cube Completion competition.!
 

I can just see the Opening Ceremonies now! We'll get to see flamboyantly choreographed and staged tributes to the Affordable Care Act and the Stimulus, in which a great big Stimulus package rises up out of the ground to the awe of all!

Obama will make his entrance by parachuting in, just like he parachuted into bin Laden's compound to single-handedly take him out! (BTW, isn't tomorrow or the day after the 15 month anniversary of his Gutsy Call™ ?)

And then comes the parade of Special Interest Groups! Minorities . . . gays . . . women with their bare boobs flapping and flopping in the breeze . . . public employee unions . . . environmentalists . . . activists clad in black hoods and orange jumpsuits to show their solidarity with the oppressed in Gitmo . . . anyone whose plight can only be saved by a government program . . . anyone who's a victim . . . why, the list goes on and on, just like the zeroes in RobbedMe's bank book! (Yes, there's enough zeroes for all of us, comrades, which is why that money should be ours! OURS!)

All of this will culminate in the lighting of the torch, which of course will be a collective effort: Everyone will swarm out of the stadium and head downtown to set fire to the business district.
 

Comrades, let us all thrill to the idea of the final event. All the Olympians will go onto the field--being pushed in their wheel chairs or beds, if necessary, and there will be a special place set up for the Olympians in iron lungs--and there they will engage in the ultimate Progressive Olympic event. Finger-pointing and baseless accusations.

To of course the strains of, "Can't stop thinking about tomorrow," or the song which I am currently on work on as my contribution to the Progressive Olympics: "If it's not nailed down, it's mine, and if I could get it, it wasn't nailed down."
 

Just think of another Progressive Olympic event. The iron-lung races. Each country sends athletes who just happen to be in iron lungs. They all line up, and the iron lungs are pushed by octogenarians in wheel chairs, who are in turn pushed by helper monkeys.

So we can give our prizes and say with certainty to the winners in the iron-lung race, "You didn't do that."
 

First, I'm getting off to the "10k Slut Walk".
Then what would the Prog Olympics ™ be without the "Glob of Tissue Toss".
It's gotta be the all time Prog favorite event.




 

Don't forget the ribbons, Pinkie. Every participant gets lots and lots of ribbons to wear. Hell, let's just give everyone a ribbon instead of any medals.
 

Komrade Ivan I appreciate the elegance of your suggestion - it is also economical, as precious metals will have no place in trinkets but will be kept safely guarded by party elite in underground bunkers where they will be unable to radiate waves of greed at the collective and corrupt them with selfish desires.

I have a vision of a Progressive Olympics where every participant and audience member not only receives a ribbon before the events start, but where the winner of any event is shot for damaging the self esteem of those who won a moral victory by selflessly allowing others to win.

Those who achieve moral victories of political correctness and repressed athleticism are the true heroes here, and each of these victories is truly a victory for the collective which also restrained itself from the dubious act of competition.
 

 

Already we are seeing the New Games of the Progressive Olymplics played out:

The PC Long Jump:
http://news.yahoo.com/swiss-olympian-ex ... 12456.html

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-18987678

Only Properly Progressive Proles will be allowed to compete! (I bet they both like Chk-fil-A, too!)
 

BIJ, I have been meaning to have a talk with you. Properly Progressive Proles has cachet and alliteration. Even more alliterative would be Perfectly Properly Progressive Proles. But my problem is that although proles should be, and indeed must be, guided by progressives, do we want them to be progressives?

After all, proles do the work. We don't. We're the smartest people around and are owed JUST BECAUSE WE'RE SO GODDAMNED SMART. That's not work. That's a natural aristocracy.

I gently suggest that a PPP is in effect either oxymoronic or perhaps an elision. They're proper because they're proles and because they listen to progs.

Like us.

Damn. I'm glad I don't have to really work. That's HARD.
 

Critical Massholes, collecting more flies with vinegar than with honey.
 

How about a sex, drugs, and rock-'n-roll event: "Bloodshot Put-Out"?

Or, we could be more discreet with the "Accidental Breaststroke".
 

The official organ of propaganda for the Peoples Republic of New Yorkistan plagiarized The Peoples Cube again and also demands

Quote:

"the term 'winners' [be replaced] with 'disproportionally successful participants.'"b/c the poor oppressed proletariat of South Korea has collective loss of face and reduction of self esteem when they lose at hockey:

Quote:

"It is a challenge complicated by cultural mores as foreign as the Korean alphabet to the North Americans, who recognize that Koreans do not like to lose, especially by lopsided scores that could cause chemyeon, or loss of face. That’s a particular concern to the men’s team, which opens preliminary play against two-time defending champion Canada."