Hell freezes over; global-warming deniers exploit incident to mislead public
Terror trial in New York ends in guilty verdict to America; Khalid Sheikh Mohammed T-shirts outsell Che Guevara by 300%
Nobel Peace prize awarded posthumously to Neville Chamberlain; 'only now is his genius apparent,' says Committee
Climate hasn't officially changed since 2008 election of Obama, but experts promise imminent catastrophes if Democrat is not elected next year
Male silverback gorilla elected to serve on PETA board of directors; feminist gorillas resign in protest
Britain outlaws use of the word 'Britain' as jingoistic and discriminatory
UN votes to restore Pluto to planet status; industrialized countries to send reparations and humanitarian supply of own air proportionally to GDP
Harvard researchers find new proof that national deficit of $500 trillion is Bush's fault
Tax Dept. announces new tax on taxpayers who resist taxation on existing taxes
Last living Republican succumbs to euthanasia; few even remember the name of outlawed party in post-political era beyond 2030
India's consumers annoyed by broken Hindu spoken at US-based call centers
Hollywood studios: John Wayne, Gary Cooper, and Humphrey Bogart to be airbrushed out of all movies and replaced by Matt Damon, George Clooney, and Denzel Washington
Microsoft releases Windows 2100 to fix bugs found in Windows 2099, 2098, 2097, and 2096
Public education reaches important milestone as all New York schools report 100% identical test scores in reading, writing, and arithmetic
Supreme Court declares 1st Amendment unconstitutional because 'it was enacted without input from minorities in violation of the Equal Protection clause of the 14th Amendment'
National Endowment for the Arts awards first prize to sculpture of US Constitution in bucket of urine
New York's Metropolitan Museum bans all works on canvas as 'offensive to canvas-less cultures' and 'inimical to progressive modes of thought'
Dan Brown publishes new installment of The Obama Code, in which Tom Hanks discovers that Barack Obama's mother was African-American and her alleged 'whiteness' was a ploy concocted later by Fox News revisionists
Man gets 10 years hard labor for starting a business in competition with government services
Bethesda, Maryland community welcomes new 100-acre palatial complex to house the 89 czars and their 800,000 staff members
It's Ramadan time and British Prime Minister Jacqui Smith once again prepares to be raped in the House of Lords by Muslim peers as a manifestation of their grievances
Iceland declared pariah nation for failure to live up to UN racial diversity standards
As Iran resumes missile bombardment of European cities, EU intensifies pressure on Israel to dismantle settlements
White House: Air Force prepared to nuke random American city to show Iran we’re serious about peace
Airlines show profit as crashes with affirmative-action pilots down 20% from last decade
Native population of Paris grows from 8 to 9 percent; chief imam of France warns of Muslim backlash
Junior school teacher found guilty of abuse for failing to educate students on dangers posed by heterosexual relations between consenting adults
Code Pink denounces Stalin as 'insufficiently progressive' due to 'lack of interest in the plight of the transgendered'
Court faces hate-crime quandary as Hispanic teen attacks gay man protesting construction of mosque
Former CEOs of tobacco companies executed; hunt is on for mayonnaise manufacturers
Chicago Olympics threatened by advancing glaciers; police rounds up local global-warming deniers as a preventive measure
60-member Congressional Muslim Caucus sets new time record of 'uninterrupted seething' by remaining in this state for a period of three months
Court rules to dismantle US beef industry, convert barns and pens into rest homes for elderly cows, bulls, and the transbovined
Northern Minnesota community refuses to accept Maoist history textbook; National Security battalion moves in to “restore tolerance”
Necrophiliacs demand marriage rights; gravediggers’ union threatens walkout
First transgendered mute paraplegic pygmy to win Miss America
Rhode Island converted into wind farm; new electricity generated is expected to serve all of Cape Cod
Eight year-old boy faces charges of violating the Children’s Civil Rights Act of 2016 for failing to meet diversity quotas in playground game
CIA under fire for forcing prisoner to spend eight hours in hotel room with no Internet service
Sixty Minutes reveals: Winston Churchill was illegitimate child of English mother and Kenyan alcoholic father
Quarterback suspended from NFL for fondling his female center
Vermont court outlaws construction boots as offensive to women and minorities
Congress fills healthcare budget gaps by selling all 'unnecessarily complicated' medical equipment to Burkina Faso
Embittered by divorce, Nobel Committee Chair Barack Obama threatens to retract all ten of Michelle Obama’s Nobel Peace prizes
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
Special thanks to AWOL Civilization for help with compiling headlines from the future
Government program ends as its intended goal has been achieved
Moveon.org decide to actually move on
Gay and Lesbian leaders declare abstinence best protection from AIDS
Labor Unions admit to artificially inflating national cost of living
Peace activists enraged over terrorist attacks
United Nations: capitalism best cure for hunger and poverty
Amnesty International supports US effort to end tyranny and corruption in Africa
Ass whooping discourages teen from 'doing it again'
Another cold, snowy winter threatens survival of struggling Global-Warming-Industrial complex
Environmental groups switch focus from communism to environment
Technological progress: nature's only chance
Democrats: Social Security is a pyramid scheme
Union leaders agree to wages determined by free market
Michael Moore gets a real job
France thanks US for saving ass... twice
Ariana Huffington closes failed blog, enters convent
Hollywood movie paints a favorable image of Senator Joe McCarthy
Mainstream Media apologizes to Americans for decades of bias
Chuck Schumer speechless
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