People's scientists yesterday took a break from their urgent research on how to procure more funding for Climate Change studies, in order to ring the alarm about a new urgent source of anxiety for the masses, which will undoubtedly cause them to demand more state protection: radical rogue asteroids.

One of these provocateurs, code named 2011 AG5, was recently observed in the vicinity of Washington DC and other national capitals. While analysts believe that most Asteroids are peaceful, their population contains more aggressive elements which are believed to be working on a weapon of mass destruction. If left unchecked, their program could cause major damage to a large city by 2040.

Strategic thinkers at the State Department are already hard at work on a "carrot and stick" approach to dealing with the Asteroids, threatening sanctions while simultaneously offering incentives in an effort to bring them to the negotiating table. It is believed that "smart power" will convince the Asteroids to eschew the more beligerent segments of their population and become peaceful members of the international community. In the past "smart power" has shown outstanding results in dealing with external threats, e.g., Iran and North Korea.
~


Even as political strategies to deal with the problem evolve, social scientists, professional deep thinkers, and angry people who talk loudly while dining at upscale urban restaurants are wrestling with the deeper question of the root cause of Asteroid violence. Experts argue the lack of economic and social programs in deep space, coupled with the aimless, drifting, purposeless existence of many Asteroids, leads to an attitude of loneliness and desperation which can erupt into random violence, often when least expected.

One such expert stated off the record, "There are Asteroids wandering around the inner solar system all the time -- one of them, called 2005 YU55, passed within 201,000 miles of Earth in November, closer than the moon is to us. The fact that the Asteroids can wander in our midst without being noticed dehumanizes them to the point where they no longer care what they hit when they lash out."

The average man or woman in the street finds the Asteroid threat difficult to understand and cope with. Often they will react with anger, asserting that it is not our problem to accomodate the Asteroids but rather they should adapt to our culture or, as one extremely angry white heterosexual man put it, "they should go back where they came from!" Experts on the Asteroid community all agree this "solution" is impractical and bigoted.

The general population tends to be more sympathetic. "We don't hate the Asteroids," sobbed one woman with a lot of bumper stickers on her car, "why do they hate us?"

Psychologists say our self-centeredness and lack of attention to the problems of others is partially to blame. "Most people are busy with their jobs and material goods," said Dr. Vera Skwishee of Gnu School of Social Whitewash. "They fail to notice that people like me went to school for decades to get multiple useless PhDs and would like to get some material goods TOO so give me a friggin' grant to study it for crissakes and I'll find out! Hey, I got bills to pay, ya know? I'm driving a 15 year old Toyota and I NEED to buy a Chevy Volt!"

Most scientists agree that until the populace gets over its greed and approves the new taxes needed for the required social programs to be enacted, the Asteroid problem will continue to hang over our heads.
 

Asteroids do not hate us, comrade. During the Bush <spit> administration the evil NASA re-directed the earth to intercept the asteroids at a fence to be built along the southern boundaries of our gravitational fields. (trespassing asteroids would be kept at Guantanamo, waterboarded, then tried as war-criminals. ) This altering of the Earth's path led to Hurricane Katrina.

It is the Rethugglikans who put our citizens in the way of peaceful asteroids who only want to raise a family of smaller rocks and get good healthcare. Asteroids are peaceful and calm, and the best way to replenish the supply of endangered unicorns.

Dear Leader (PBUH) has sternly reprimanded the leadership of NASA, placed retired space shuttles where the campaign contributions were plentiful and re-directed NASA toward Mooslim self-esteem building.

Trust the Party, if an asteroid ever hits Earth, it's Bush's fault.
 

Oh dear. I knew that NASA was being repurposed to give validity to Muslim achievements in science--not burning the Greek manuscripts, really or wiping their bums with them--but I had no idea that NASA need to have an Asteroid Outreach.

What have we done to anger the asteroids so? Is it something that we said? Do you think that if Lord OLeader were to bow to the asteroids enough, and apologize for the fact that the wealthy aren't giving their fair share, that the asteroids would go back to being, well, big hunks of rock? And maybe a little ice?

I mean, it's so very hard these days to know what to say. If the asteroids hate us, then I guess I can't kick a dirt clod on the sidewalk.

Of course I can't. That would be non-PC. Unless of course the dirt clod were a RethugliKKKan.
 

Comrades, we must remember that in regards to Space, The Final Frontier, the asteroids were there first, for millions of years, before the white man--yes, as always, the white man--invaded that space, polluted it with all of his space junk, and spread all sorts of space disease, etc.

The white man wants to steal Space from the asteroids, and build settlements in that Space called Space Stations.

Moreover, Earthlings have not been very good stewards of the planet, but instead have destroyed it and made it almost uninhabitable, with the help of the Well-Funded Climate Change Denial Machine. Clearly the asteroids wish to wipe out the Earthlings before they do to Space what they did to the planet. Can you blame them? Since we invaded them first, why shouldn't they defend themselves by invading us?

In addition to being bad stewards of the planet, Earthlings have not shown sufficient compassion for the poor through redistribution of wealth, nor have they unilaterally disarmed and destroyed all their weapons of destruction, mass or minor. I've seen enough sci-fi movies to know that this sort of behavior will always result in punishment from somebody somewhere out in Space.

And yes, Opiate, I'm all for increasing revenues to establish new government programs that will raise awareness of the importance of addressing this issue, and empower people with the tools they need that will enable them to search for solutions to resolving this problem through continued discussion of the need for more funding to raise even greater awareness.

We'll start by holding a conference in Bali to discuss this further. I just hope they've expanded their airport by now, especially since I've acquired a bigger Gulfstream.
 

I blame Big Astronomy and their lobbyists greasing the wheels of Republican Congress!

Don't say we didn't shout from the rooftops about class struggle in Solar System! Do we have to wait for another movie about an impact with a gigantic asteroid with special 3D effects that will scare everyone's pants off? Because apparently it's the only way to make Americans pay attention!

Back in 2006 this very Party organ alerted all women, children, LGBT, Black, Hispanic, and other minority communities about the growing disparity among planets, as well as about the criminal conspiracy by Big Astronomy to silence the whistleblowers who alerted us that big planets are getting bigger and small planets are getting smaller!

The truth is simple: denial of federal funding by this Republican Congress will cause the downsizing of Solar System, further shrinking the pool of middle-sized planets and leaving small planets and asteroids helpless against the gravity of the situation.

This sends shockwaves to neighboring solar systems, whose asteroid communities are increasingly concerned for the future of trans-Neptunian objects who may not survive the freezing temperatures, vacuum, and darkness during this harsh winter. It's hell out there!
 

All of this hate against asteroids! It's hateful! They have rights too, you know.

No asteroid is illegal! End the hate.
 

We are all asteroids now!

In space, no one can hear you scream.

But if one could, that asteroid's cry would probably mean, "All I want is to meet with Chief Astronomer and look him in the eye!"

Running dog lackeys of Big Astronomy are marginalizing asteroids with insulting theories about their "eccentric" orbits, which clearly is unconstitutional hate speech against size-challenged objects. Progressive science has proven that asteroids often take orbits that big planets won't take, being routinely left out in the cold with some of the minority planets who have also suffered abuse and ridicule by astronomers due to their "small size" and "inadequate gravity."

No wonder they grow bitter and hang out around black holes and other dark corners of the universe, until one of them snaps and heads straight towards the abusers' home planet, to claim what's rightfully his/hers/its.

There's no use denying that many of us on Earth still cling to the outdated concept of 'intelligent life,' which is as Earth-centric as it is ridiculously provincial and dogmatic. This leads to rampant 'big-planetism' and bias towards "unintelligent" objects, resulting in policies that discriminate against possible non-carbon based life. Such a disgraceful lack of tolerance and diversity at national observatories has squandered Earth's gravitational pull and we are hated even in places where no man has gone before.

To counter their chauvinistic, imperialist dogmas, all people of good will must demand an immediate redistribution of Earth's oxygen throughout the Solar System, as well as ample federal funding for the Gravitational Fairness Doctrine that would ensure equal gravity for all planets.

OCCUPY PLUTO!

 

Dear Leader ( PBUH) knows whose ass to kick...
 

The New York Times: Pluto Crisis Edition

 

OCCUPY EARTH!



(Graphic now added to the excellent editorial above)
 

Are there rescue Asteroids we can adopt?
 

Guardian of Pravda

Are there rescue Asteroids we can adopt?
Comrade Guardian, yes, yes there are. In fact, FLATUS has already adopted two of them, quite some time ago actually, and she carries them with her wherever she goes.



They're fondly known amongst the in-the-know White House crowd as "Assteroid 1" and "Assteroid 2".
 

Adopting an asteroid is a huge responsibility. However, NASA has incorporated the idea into its new Muslim outreach program. Two birds with one stone, so to speak.


 

I propose that We, the Collectivists, establish a Solar System Tax™ to help these neglected asteroids. We must rob levy a 51% orbit tax on Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto (purged but do it anyway) to pay the Asteroid Belt. Our fellow Comrades of the Asteroid Belt will not hate us owing to solar justice. This bigotry and racism in our solar system must end! The Asteroid Belt has natural rights too!

SOLAR JUSTICE!
 

NASA=Nasty And Stupid Asses. Earth has been referred to as a "Blue Marble", asteroids may not like blue beings. My neighbor has Gasteric Asteroids. He has put the roof of his hovel into sub orbit several times this month.

Possibly Sunni would fit into nasa, or the other way around.
 

 

It's AMAZING, Comrade People's Comrade - Iran's Supreme Leader was just saying the same thing!




 

Oh my Lenin! Why I am so bird brained so as not to have proposed this for the The Common Good™? It is a good thing we have the peoples tube to purvey our thoughts for us, otherwise common proles would be lost in a world of asteroids! Thank Marx for all the direction we receive from our more equal comrades when we are less equal, otherwise we would all suffer from Asteroid Inflammation.

Hail Obama!
 

 

Some of my best friends are Asteroids?
 

 

I guess it's time for a new cardboard cutout figure - Muslim at NASA.




 

 

Comrades, have you SEEN the 1998 NASA training film of the Rethugglikkan NASA under Bush?



They called it Armageddon for a reason!



THIS criminal destroys an asteroid with a NUCLEAR WEAPON!




What is the patch on his suit?

Yes friends, NASA! before they were concerned with our Mooslim comrades!

What is all across the headlines? NUCLEAR WEAPONS in the hands of the religion of peace. Ask yourselves, did the Iranians ever blow up a peaceful asteroid?
 

We should rethink this whole thing with the Asteroids. Perhaps if we gave them more space?
Do they have a collective we can bargain with?
We should not make anything appear to be written in stone.
We should point out their Starry future.
Make them feel wanted by the bigger planets like Jupiter. Offer them a chance to be with the collective in the rings around Saturn.
Avoiding a rocky relationship is all important.
After that it is just a matter of making them feel comfortable in their new environment.
I believe Meteoric success can be achieved here.
 

We are missing a fundamental plank in President Obama's diplomacy platform. Asteroid apology. America is truly sorry for generations of asteroid ill treatment. The West has stolen asteroid wealth and squandered it on selfish capitalist greed.



 

Comrades, I applaud your asteroid-sensitivity and I quite agree that we ought to quit hating on asteroids. I mean, they can't help that they're asteroids, can they?

But you have missed something very important. What about the gay asteroids? It is a scientific fact that 10% of all asteroids are gay, just as it's a scientific fact that 10% of people are gay, although if that were true I'd have had more dates, and that's just as true as the fact that 100% of male serial killers are male.

I ask you, as fellow progs, to extend your imagination. What if you were a gay asteroid, stuck up in a sterile orbit for a half a billion years, and there was nothing to rub on? How would you feel if you weren't able to shriek and shout for the better part of as many years as dollars wasted on Solyndra?

We need a gay asteroids outreach program. Which will quite conveniently use up all available monies, and some that are not readily available. You cannot believe my expenses here at the Rancho since the last visit of our Many Titted Empress.
 

Asteroid Inflammation AGAIN Der Commissar? Let the fury of Bruno reign down! These meager proles have no idea what it's like live off of baked dolphin in times like these.
 

It's not just the gay asteroids, Comrade Father - it's the gay, lesbian, transgendered, transmogrified, bisexual, trisexual, asexual, sexually-undecided, and neutered asteroids. All of which, obviously, make up at least 87% of the asteroid race, just as they do the human race. Except for African Americans and Native Americans.

We must stop the hate.

Is it possible that we could clone Bruno and send him(s) out on an outreach to reach out to all of these victimized asteroids? The 112 percent?
 

I always thought asteroids led to the loss of testicular fortitude and virility...


 

 

The Adopt-an-Asteroid Muslim Outreach Program at NASA got me so excited, I can't stop. Perhaps, in the light of the recent outing of gay asteroids, shouldn't there also be an Adopt-an-ASSteroid Muslim Outreach Program at GLBT Coalition?

Anyway, here's another cardboard cutout - he's a devout aSStronnaut, aSStrophysist, and a celebrated fister. Perhaps I should start a new thread for this, because it's getting off-topic and out-of-hand.







 

When is the HATE gonna stop.



 

It's time to stop treating asteroids like second class citizens, including gay asteroids. We've done it for "undocumented alien residents". Would that include asteroids?
 

I've had it with you men. You're all as dumb as a box of rocks and you either hang out taking up valuable space, or you wander around aimlessly with toxic gases shooting out your backsides, as if that's what propels you; and none of you seem to exist for any particular purpose except to cause random mass destruction.

And that's why I've decided to swear off men altogether and date an asteroid instead.
 

Commissarka Pinkie

I've had it with you men. ...And that's why I've decided to swear off men altogether and date an asteroid instead.

So Pinkie has sworn off the men of the human race to mate with asteroids.

I wasn't prepared to see the day that our dear Commisarka Pinkie becomes a RACIST.


nope, never saw that coming.
 

Uh oh.... I smell a shovel coming this way!!!!
 

As promised, I posted the Muslim astronauts on a new thread.

Cardboard Muslim Astronauts for NASA Outreach Program

 

Ah Pinkie, but everything tastes like chicken!
 

Pinkie, er, let me suggest that if men are as dumb as box of rocks that dating a box of rocks might not be the smartest move that you've ever made. And what would happen if you by chance started dating an asteroid and it was a gay one? I mean, with asteroids you cannot tell easily if one is gay. There is no air to carry the Barbra Streisand tunes, and they just don't make steel-toed drillers' boots big enough for a dyke asteroid.

And since dogs cannot live in space, there can be no chance of a lesbian asteroid having two dogs which lick her in the mouth all the time.

And there will be no jokes.

For some reason this reminds me of the name of a cookbook from San Francisco about 30 years ago: Shut up and Eat: You've Had Worse Things in Your Mouth.
 

I am wondering if there has not been a subtle attempt to incorporate the Asteroids into mainstream Life from a long time ago. For instance there are three well known cars named after Asteroids: Phaeton, Mercedes, Honda. There is also the off shoot Mercury Comet. There was also a Motorcycle named for one, Vesta. This is insidious and well planned by the Asteroid Commune. We must be careful erst they take over all the communes.
I wonder if they already live among us in Rock City Tn.
Can you grow beets on an Asteroid?
Whether a Aster is Gay or not is not important only that it is.
Ergo it is thus entitled as one of the Dears leaders Children. (Portions to be determined by the Leadership)
Rock on!!!!.
 

Let's not forget comets. It's a well-known fact that Halley's Comet comes once about every 75 years, or just about as often as Dear O'Leader cast a vote except "present." Except of course for sponsoring the bill to let an abortionist kill any baby that he couldn't kill inside the womb.

This is so forward thinking. I recall seeing a girl, a pretty girl, with only one arm. Her mother had gone to an abortionist who had pulled off her arm and couldn't prevent her being born before he could pull off her head. No doubt she and her mother are very close.

As we will be close to the government with Obamacare and with the UN's global, individual tax.
 

Our planet, El Terra, is wholly responsible for attracting asteroids by way of imposing its gravitational field upon their poor, hapless masses.

Left undisturbed, they're just minding there own business orbiting the Sun.

Comrade Obama would, of course, immediately grant them the same protections as enjoyed by other illegal immigrants in the United States. However, this probably will not occur because asteroids can't vote ( thus expanding his voter base).

But what about voting for them in their place ? Call it " Astroproxy ".
 

Comrade Krasnodar, I can see no reason why asteroids (and comets) can't vote in the upcoming presidential election. And I am quite sure that if Dear Leader apologizes (and bows) sufficiently to the asteroid community they'll be more than happy to vote Democrat - perhaps several times!



 

Oh great next the meteors will want to vote then the Quadrantids, the Lyrids and on and on.
There goes the commune.
 

Krasnodar, I like astroproxy. Of course we can vote them. Don't we have all the necroproxy voters? Every corpse in Chicago is voted at least twice. I heard that to get Senator Landrieu in office, the mayor of New Orleans, Mark Morial, had busses of people who went from precinct to precinct, and one man laughed and said it was easy money.

Fortunately the Republicans were such complete and total pussies that they seated Senator Landrieu. But then they always do. We progs are so lucky that the Republicans are utterly spineless and scared of their shadows.
 

Guardian of Pravda

Oh great next the meteors will want to vote then the Quadrantids, the Lyrids and on and on.
There goes the commune.

G of P..... not to worry !

Most of the rocks in meteor showers vaporize upon entry into our atmosphere. Those meteorites that do make it to the surface are usually so burned out from the experience that they just sit there, contributing nothing to society. ( Like ex-hippies from Berkeley )

However, they do serve a useful purpose to the Party in that we can gather them up, load them all into a dump truck and enroll them into our multi-precinct voting program.
Afterwards, we off-load them in piles by the sides of our beet fields, where they await the next election without complaint.



Their vaporized companions will be included in our efforts by way of astroproxy.
 

Michael Moore justifiably moaned that Osama bin Laden targeted the blue states and not the red ones. Yes, that's a pity but then there is no value in a Red State. Where's the socialism? Where's the love? Where's the union thuggery?

Too bad that Osama didn't know that we progs are just like him except we have a different god. Same worldview, though. Might makes right.

The asteroids ought to be taught, after voting, to rain on Texas. I am ashamed to be a Texan. We vote reliably RethugliKKKan and there is no hope for us. So we ought to be destroyed.

Well, send some around but not the Rancho, and I'll make very sure to show up at Ground Zero to, er, help--that's it--help with the reconstruction. As dear Mayor Rahm Emanuel said, "A crisis is a terrible thing to waste. You can get lots done in a crisis."

What's good enough for that totalitarian is good enough for me.
 

Father Prog Theocritus

Michael Moore justifiably moaned that Osama bin Laden targeted the blue states and not the red ones. Yes, that's a pity but then there is no value in a Red State. Where's the socialism? Where's the love? Where's the union thuggery?

Too bad that Osama didn't know that we progs are just like him except we have a different god. Same worldview, though. Might makes right.

Ah yes, Father Prog - so well put! Thank Lenin that Peter Jennings had the foresight to swap the "red state" label to the so-called "conservative" states and the "blue state" label to the progressive states. It would be SOOO confusing otherwise...

And just for the record - I have it on the authority of no less than the right Reverend Jeremiah Wright that Allah and the Judeo/Christian God are the same!
 

ROCK, I too believe anything that the Reverend Wright said, especially "God damn America." But the only problem, here in camera, is that the proper prog only pays lip service to a divine being. Our altar is the mirror.

The world is properly constituted when it agrees with our moral narcissism. We feel, and we feel the best feelings because we say they're the best, and therefore reality must bend to our inner weather.

Because, never forget, reality is what we pull our our asses.
 

Father Prog Theocritus

Michael Moore justifiably moaned that Osama bin Laden targeted the blue states and not the red ones. Yes, that's a pity but then there is no value in a Red State. Where's the socialism? Where's the love? Where's the union thuggery?

Too bad that Osama didn't know that we progs are just like him except we have a different god. Same worldview, though. Might makes right.

The asteroids ought to be taught, after voting, to rain on Texas. I am ashamed to be a Texan. We vote reliably RethugliKKKan and there is no hope for us. So we ought to be destroyed.

Well, send some around but not the Rancho, and I'll make very sure to show up at Ground Zero to, er, help--that's it--help with the reconstruction. As dear Mayor Rahm Emanuel said, "A crisis is a terrible thing to waste. You can get lots done in a crisis."

What's good enough for that totalitarian is good enough for me.

Theocritus, I feel your pain as well as Michael Moore's. Have you ever noticed that in all the sci-fi movies about asteroids and alien invasions, the most progressive cities, like NY and LA, are always the first to be flattened? Why don't they ever target Houston?

However, in the movie Independence Day the Earthlings contemplated striking back at the aliens using nuclear weapons. The very Progressive POTUS wrestled with this decision, and when he finally decided to go through with it, declared, "May our children forgive us," for while future generations will forgive an alien civilization laying waste to the whole planet, they'll never forgive their grandparents for availing themselves of nuclear power, even in self-defense.

So I was heartened when the President decreed that the first alien-occupied city to be nuked would be none other than Houston.

I just hated seeing people having to take matters into their own hands.
 

I don't understand why they didn't just impose sanctions on the aliens. There's really no such thing as a bad alien, you know, just misunderstood aliens. War is not the answer.

I want to marry an alien and make alien babies and even wear alien clothes and protest alongside them, and in that way teach the world we can all coexist and live in peace with everybody.
 

Margaret, I feel your concern. There is indeed no such thing as a bad alien, just as there is no such thing as a bad suicide bomber. We just have to FEEL what they're feeling. If we love them up enough, they'll get all warm and squishy and wuv us back. We can be feeding each other goats' eyeballs, with the thumb and first two fingers of the right hand of course.

BTW, have you started wiping your ass with your left hand? I do because that's what Mohammed did. When he wasn't having fun with his nine-year-old bride.
 

Pinkie, I quite realize what you say when you say that you hate seeing people taking things into their own hands. One of the things that I hate about Texas is that the proles here just do for themselves. They have this stupid idea, at least in West Texas, that if the government will get out of the way, they'll tend to things. They'll make jobs, develop things, and make money.

But that won't do because the government is cut out.

I yearn for the day when Texas is like California, especially San Diego. The unions have a stranglehold on the populace and that is the way that Stalin ordered. Marx as you know said that unions were the cornerstone of the revolution. How else can you get a group of people to quit thinking, get massively resentful, and trust Judas goats?

That's it. We progs are the Judas goats of the revolution.
 

Father Prog Theocritus

How else can you get a group of people to quit thinking, get massively resentful, and trust Judas goats?



Listening to NPR or watching MSNBC also effective in promoting this behavior.

So, FPT, has spring come to " The Rancho " ?
 

Oh, Krasnodar, how kind of you to ask about spring. The pomegranate trees are in full bloom. I called dear Harry Reid, and he really is not as stupid as you think, not really, I promise, and when I told him that my pomegranate trees were in bloom, he started sobbing.

"Father Prog, how I envy you. I miss my pomegranates. Life isn't good without pomegranates. There is nothing but pomegranates."

"Dear Harry," I inserted, "didn't I hear that one of your children was under indictment?"

"Oh, that will sort itself out. How big are your pomegranates?"

"Uh, Harry," I inserted again, "aren't you worried about losing control of the Senate the presidency?"

"Father Prog, I can't be bothered with that. I need my pomegranates."

"Harry, listen to me. If you the progressives get voted out of the Senate and the White House, then we won't be able to run this nation off a cliff and steal every tattoo off every sailor."

"My pomegranates! My pomegranates!"

These are dark times, dear comrades, dark times indeed.
 

Let the hand of mercy keep me from revealing what Nanski Peloski told me. Sub rosa, of course.
 

Don't do it, Father Prog - the world IS NOT READY for such a revelation.
 

ROCK, let the veil of darkness fall over this. But let it be said that I will never think of KY, sandpaper, and a belt sander in quite the same way again.
 

Nor shall I, Comrade Father.

And the same goes for habanero gummy worms.
 

Father Prog Theocritus

... that's what Mohammed did. When he wasn't having fun with his nine-year-old bride. Was that Mohammed, or Joseph Smith? (sorry, I've been researching the opposition as represented by <spitt> Romney...)
 

I believe Mohammed did, but then who knows about Mr. Smith? I once asked a Mormon about polygamy and he said it's not practiced any more but was to get the population up. A condition of being admitted to the union was abandoning polygamy.

You can tell how long that was ago. First of all, why actually AGREE to anything if you don't want to? Utah had the perfect right to enter the Union with polygamy. Or even state-sponsored cannibalism. That's Utah's right and we have no ability to oppose it.

Now if the people of Utah are actually reich-wing RethugliKKKans, then they shall not be permitted to have their opinions. We will stifle dissent just as we are doing it with Rush Limburger and Faux Noise.