Asteroid Threat: Why Do They Hate Us?



One of these provocateurs, code named 2011 AG5, was recently observed in the vicinity of Washington DC and other national capitals. While analysts believe that most Asteroids are peaceful, their population contains more aggressive elements which are believed to be working on a weapon of mass destruction. If left unchecked, their program could cause major damage to a large city by 2040.
Strategic thinkers at the State Department are already hard at work on a "carrot and stick" approach to dealing with the Asteroids, threatening sanctions while simultaneously offering incentives in an effort to bring them to the negotiating table. It is believed that "smart power" will convince the Asteroids to eschew the more beligerent segments of their population and become peaceful members of the international community. In the past "smart power" has shown outstanding results in dealing with external threats, e.g., Iran and North Korea.
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Even as political strategies to deal with the problem evolve, social scientists, professional deep thinkers, and angry people who talk loudly while dining at upscale urban restaurants are wrestling with the deeper question of the root cause of Asteroid violence. Experts argue the lack of economic and social programs in deep space, coupled with the aimless, drifting, purposeless existence of many Asteroids, leads to an attitude of loneliness and desperation which can erupt into random violence, often when least expected.

The average man or woman in the street finds the Asteroid threat difficult to understand and cope with. Often they will react with anger, asserting that it is not our problem to accomodate the Asteroids but rather they should adapt to our culture or, as one extremely angry white heterosexual man put it, "they should go back where they came from!" Experts on the Asteroid community all agree this "solution" is impractical and bigoted.
The general population tends to be more sympathetic. "We don't hate the Asteroids," sobbed one woman with a lot of bumper stickers on her car, "why do they hate us?"
Psychologists say our self-centeredness and lack of attention to the problems of others is partially to blame. "Most people are busy with their jobs and material goods," said Dr. Vera Skwishee of Gnu School of Social Whitewash. "They fail to notice that people like me went to school for decades to get multiple useless PhDs and would like to get some material goods TOO so give me a friggin' grant to study it for crissakes and I'll find out! Hey, I got bills to pay, ya know? I'm driving a 15 year old Toyota and I NEED to buy a Chevy Volt!"
Most scientists agree that until the populace gets over its greed and approves the new taxes needed for the required social programs to be enacted, the Asteroid problem will continue to hang over our heads.


It is the Rethugglikans who put our citizens in the way of peaceful asteroids who only want to raise a family of smaller rocks and get good healthcare. Asteroids are peaceful and calm, and the best way to replenish the supply of endangered unicorns.
Dear Leader (PBUH) has sternly reprimanded the leadership of NASA, placed retired space shuttles where the campaign contributions were plentiful and re-directed NASA toward Mooslim self-esteem building.
Trust the Party, if an asteroid ever hits Earth, it's Bush's fault.


What have we done to anger the asteroids so? Is it something that we said? Do you think that if Lord OLeader were to bow to the asteroids enough, and apologize for the fact that the wealthy aren't giving their fair share, that the asteroids would go back to being, well, big hunks of rock? And maybe a little ice?
I mean, it's so very hard these days to know what to say. If the asteroids hate us, then I guess I can't kick a dirt clod on the sidewalk.
Of course I can't. That would be non-PC. Unless of course the dirt clod were a RethugliKKKan.


The white man wants to steal Space from the asteroids, and build settlements in that Space called Space Stations.
Moreover, Earthlings have not been very good stewards of the planet, but instead have destroyed it and made it almost uninhabitable, with the help of the Well-Funded Climate Change Denial Machine. Clearly the asteroids wish to wipe out the Earthlings before they do to Space what they did to the planet. Can you blame them? Since we invaded them first, why shouldn't they defend themselves by invading us?
In addition to being bad stewards of the planet, Earthlings have not shown sufficient compassion for the poor through redistribution of wealth, nor have they unilaterally disarmed and destroyed all their weapons of destruction, mass or minor. I've seen enough sci-fi movies to know that this sort of behavior will always result in punishment from somebody somewhere out in Space.
And yes, Opiate, I'm all for increasing revenues to establish new government programs that will raise awareness of the importance of addressing this issue, and empower people with the tools they need that will enable them to search for solutions to resolving this problem through continued discussion of the need for more funding to raise even greater awareness.
We'll start by holding a conference in Bali to discuss this further. I just hope they've expanded their airport by now, especially since I've acquired a bigger Gulfstream.


Don't say we didn't shout from the rooftops about class struggle in Solar System! Do we have to wait for another movie about an impact with a gigantic asteroid with special 3D effects that will scare everyone's pants off? Because apparently it's the only way to make Americans pay attention!
Back in 2006 this very Party organ alerted all women, children, LGBT, Black, Hispanic, and other minority communities about the growing disparity among planets, as well as about the criminal conspiracy by Big Astronomy to silence the whistleblowers who alerted us that big planets are getting bigger and small planets are getting smaller!
The truth is simple: denial of federal funding by this Republican Congress will cause the downsizing of Solar System, further shrinking the pool of middle-sized planets and leaving small planets and asteroids helpless against the gravity of the situation.
This sends shockwaves to neighboring solar systems, whose asteroid communities are increasingly concerned for the future of trans-Neptunian objects who may not survive the freezing temperatures, vacuum, and darkness during this harsh winter. It's hell out there!


No asteroid is illegal! End the hate.


We are all asteroids now!
In space, no one can hear you scream.
But if one could, that asteroid's cry would probably mean, "All I want is to meet with Chief Astronomer and look him in the eye!"
Running dog lackeys of Big Astronomy are marginalizing asteroids with insulting theories about their "eccentric" orbits, which clearly is unconstitutional hate speech against size-challenged objects. Progressive science has proven that asteroids often take orbits that big planets won't take, being routinely left out in the cold with some of the minority planets who have also suffered abuse and ridicule by astronomers due to their "small size" and "inadequate gravity."
No wonder they grow bitter and hang out around black holes and other dark corners of the universe, until one of them snaps and heads straight towards the abusers' home planet, to claim what's rightfully his/hers/its.
There's no use denying that many of us on Earth still cling to the outdated concept of 'intelligent life,' which is as Earth-centric as it is ridiculously provincial and dogmatic. This leads to rampant 'big-planetism' and bias towards "unintelligent" objects, resulting in policies that discriminate against possible non-carbon based life. Such a disgraceful lack of tolerance and diversity at national observatories has squandered Earth's gravitational pull and we are hated even in places where no man has gone before.
To counter their chauvinistic, imperialist dogmas, all people of good will must demand an immediate redistribution of Earth's oxygen throughout the Solar System, as well as ample federal funding for the Gravitational Fairness Doctrine that would ensure equal gravity for all planets.
OCCUPY PLUTO!







(Graphic now added to the excellent editorial above)




Guardian of Pravda
Are there rescue Asteroids we can adopt?Comrade Guardian, yes, yes there are. In fact, FLATUS has already adopted two of them, quite some time ago actually, and she carries them with her wherever she goes.
They're fondly known amongst the in-the-know White House crowd as "Assteroid 1" and "Assteroid 2".





SOLAR JUSTICE!


Possibly Sunni would fit into nasa, or the other way around.






Hail Obama!









I guess it's time for a new cardboard cutout figure - Muslim at NASA.







They called it Armageddon for a reason!

THIS criminal destroys an asteroid with a NUCLEAR WEAPON!

What is the patch on his suit?
Yes friends, NASA! before they were concerned with our Mooslim comrades!
What is all across the headlines? NUCLEAR WEAPONS in the hands of the religion of peace. Ask yourselves, did the Iranians ever blow up a peaceful asteroid?


Do they have a collective we can bargain with?
We should not make anything appear to be written in stone.
We should point out their Starry future.
Make them feel wanted by the bigger planets like Jupiter. Offer them a chance to be with the collective in the rings around Saturn.
Avoiding a rocky relationship is all important.
After that it is just a matter of making them feel comfortable in their new environment.
I believe Meteoric success can be achieved here.




But you have missed something very important. What about the gay asteroids? It is a scientific fact that 10% of all asteroids are gay, just as it's a scientific fact that 10% of people are gay, although if that were true I'd have had more dates, and that's just as true as the fact that 100% of male serial killers are male.
I ask you, as fellow progs, to extend your imagination. What if you were a gay asteroid, stuck up in a sterile orbit for a half a billion years, and there was nothing to rub on? How would you feel if you weren't able to shriek and shout for the better part of as many years as dollars wasted on Solyndra?
We need a gay asteroids outreach program. Which will quite conveniently use up all available monies, and some that are not readily available. You cannot believe my expenses here at the Rancho since the last visit of our Many Titted Empress.




We must stop the hate.
Is it possible that we could clone Bruno and send him(s) out on an outreach to reach out to all of these victimized asteroids? The 112 percent?





Father Prog Theocritus
But you have missed something very important. What about the gay asteroids?

Anyway, here's another cardboard cutout - he's a devout aSStronnaut, aSStrophysist, and a celebrated fister. Perhaps I should start a new thread for this, because it's getting off-topic and out-of-hand.










And that's why I've decided to swear off men altogether and date an asteroid instead.


Commissarka Pinkie
I've had it with you men. ...And that's why I've decided to swear off men altogether and date an asteroid instead.So Pinkie has sworn off the men of the human race to mate with asteroids.
I wasn't prepared to see the day that our dear Commisarka Pinkie becomes a RACIST.
nope, never saw that coming.




Cardboard Muslim Astronauts for NASA Outreach Program






And since dogs cannot live in space, there can be no chance of a lesbian asteroid having two dogs which lick her in the mouth all the time.
And there will be no jokes.
For some reason this reminds me of the name of a cookbook from San Francisco about 30 years ago: Shut up and Eat: You've Had Worse Things in Your Mouth.


I wonder if they already live among us in Rock City Tn.
Can you grow beets on an Asteroid?
Whether a Aster is Gay or not is not important only that it is.
Ergo it is thus entitled as one of the Dears leaders Children. (Portions to be determined by the Leadership)
Rock on!!!!.


This is so forward thinking. I recall seeing a girl, a pretty girl, with only one arm. Her mother had gone to an abortionist who had pulled off her arm and couldn't prevent her being born before he could pull off her head. No doubt she and her mother are very close.
As we will be close to the government with Obamacare and with the UN's global, individual tax.


Left undisturbed, they're just minding there own business orbiting the Sun.
Comrade Obama would, of course, immediately grant them the same protections as enjoyed by other illegal immigrants in the United States. However, this probably will not occur because asteroids can't vote ( thus expanding his voter base).
But what about voting for them in their place ? Call it " Astroproxy ".




There goes the commune.


Fortunately the Republicans were such complete and total pussies that they seated Senator Landrieu. But then they always do. We progs are so lucky that the Republicans are utterly spineless and scared of their shadows.


Guardian of Pravda
Oh great next the meteors will want to vote then the Quadrantids, the Lyrids and on and on.There goes the commune.
G of P..... not to worry !
Most of the rocks in meteor showers vaporize upon entry into our atmosphere. Those meteorites that do make it to the surface are usually so burned out from the experience that they just sit there, contributing nothing to society. ( Like ex-hippies from Berkeley )
However, they do serve a useful purpose to the Party in that we can gather them up, load them all into a dump truck and enroll them into our multi-precinct voting program.
Afterwards, we off-load them in piles by the sides of our beet fields, where they await the next election without complaint.
Their vaporized companions will be included in our efforts by way of astroproxy.


Too bad that Osama didn't know that we progs are just like him except we have a different god. Same worldview, though. Might makes right.
The asteroids ought to be taught, after voting, to rain on Texas. I am ashamed to be a Texan. We vote reliably RethugliKKKan and there is no hope for us. So we ought to be destroyed.
Well, send some around but not the Rancho, and I'll make very sure to show up at Ground Zero to, er, help--that's it--help with the reconstruction. As dear Mayor Rahm Emanuel said, "A crisis is a terrible thing to waste. You can get lots done in a crisis."
What's good enough for that totalitarian is good enough for me.


Father Prog Theocritus
Michael Moore justifiably moaned that Osama bin Laden targeted the blue states and not the red ones. Yes, that's a pity but then there is no value in a Red State. Where's the socialism? Where's the love? Where's the union thuggery?Too bad that Osama didn't know that we progs are just like him except we have a different god. Same worldview, though. Might makes right.
Ah yes, Father Prog - so well put! Thank Lenin that Peter Jennings had the foresight to swap the "red state" label to the so-called "conservative" states and the "blue state" label to the progressive states. It would be SOOO confusing otherwise...
And just for the record - I have it on the authority of no less than the right Reverend Jeremiah Wright that Allah and the Judeo/Christian God are the same!


The world is properly constituted when it agrees with our moral narcissism. We feel, and we feel the best feelings because we say they're the best, and therefore reality must bend to our inner weather.
Because, never forget, reality is what we pull our our asses.


Father Prog Theocritus
Michael Moore justifiably moaned that Osama bin Laden targeted the blue states and not the red ones. Yes, that's a pity but then there is no value in a Red State. Where's the socialism? Where's the love? Where's the union thuggery?Too bad that Osama didn't know that we progs are just like him except we have a different god. Same worldview, though. Might makes right.
The asteroids ought to be taught, after voting, to rain on Texas. I am ashamed to be a Texan. We vote reliably RethugliKKKan and there is no hope for us. So we ought to be destroyed.
Well, send some around but not the Rancho, and I'll make very sure to show up at Ground Zero to, er, help--that's it--help with the reconstruction. As dear Mayor Rahm Emanuel said, "A crisis is a terrible thing to waste. You can get lots done in a crisis."
What's good enough for that totalitarian is good enough for me.
Theocritus, I feel your pain as well as Michael Moore's. Have you ever noticed that in all the sci-fi movies about asteroids and alien invasions, the most progressive cities, like NY and LA, are always the first to be flattened? Why don't they ever target Houston?
However, in the movie Independence Day the Earthlings contemplated striking back at the aliens using nuclear weapons. The very Progressive POTUS wrestled with this decision, and when he finally decided to go through with it, declared, "May our children forgive us," for while future generations will forgive an alien civilization laying waste to the whole planet, they'll never forgive their grandparents for availing themselves of nuclear power, even in self-defense.
So I was heartened when the President decreed that the first alien-occupied city to be nuked would be none other than Houston.
I just hated seeing people having to take matters into their own hands.


I want to marry an alien and make alien babies and even wear alien clothes and protest alongside them, and in that way teach the world we can all coexist and live in peace with everybody.


BTW, have you started wiping your ass with your left hand? I do because that's what Mohammed did. When he wasn't having fun with his nine-year-old bride.


But that won't do because the government is cut out.
I yearn for the day when Texas is like California, especially San Diego. The unions have a stranglehold on the populace and that is the way that Stalin ordered. Marx as you know said that unions were the cornerstone of the revolution. How else can you get a group of people to quit thinking, get massively resentful, and trust Judas goats?
That's it. We progs are the Judas goats of the revolution.


Father Prog Theocritus
How else can you get a group of people to quit thinking, get massively resentful, and trust Judas goats?Listening to NPR or watching MSNBC also effective in promoting this behavior.
So, FPT, has spring come to " The Rancho " ?


"Father Prog, how I envy you. I miss my pomegranates. Life isn't good without pomegranates. There is nothing but pomegranates."
"Dear Harry," I inserted, "didn't I hear that one of your children was under indictment?"
"Oh, that will sort itself out. How big are your pomegranates?"
"Uh, Harry," I inserted again, "aren't you worried about losing control of the Senate the presidency?"
"Father Prog, I can't be bothered with that. I need my pomegranates."
"Harry, listen to me. If you the progressives get voted out of the Senate and the White House, then we won't be able to run this nation off a cliff and steal every tattoo off every sailor."
"My pomegranates! My pomegranates!"
These are dark times, dear comrades, dark times indeed.








And the same goes for habanero gummy worms.


Father Prog Theocritus
... that's what Mohammed did. When he wasn't having fun with his nine-year-old bride. Was that Mohammed, or Joseph Smith? (sorry, I've been researching the opposition as represented by <spitt> Romney...)


You can tell how long that was ago. First of all, why actually AGREE to anything if you don't want to? Utah had the perfect right to enter the Union with polygamy. Or even state-sponsored cannibalism. That's Utah's right and we have no ability to oppose it.
Now if the people of Utah are actually reich-wing RethugliKKKans, then they shall not be permitted to have their opinions. We will stifle dissent just as we are doing it with Rush Limburger and Faux Noise.