Progressive Oxymorons


With caregivers like these, who needs undertakers?

Examples of cognitive dissonance and behavior internalization in liberal doublethink:
- John Edwards: I'm rich but I care about the poor
- Michael Moore: I'm fat but I care about the hungry
- Harry Reid: I've a big head but I care about people with small heads
- Hillary Clinton: I'm a witch but I care about the fairies
- Chuck Schumer: I'm a genius but I care about dumb people
- John Kerry: I'm well-groomed but I care about the flyover slobs
- Al Gore: I'm full of hot air but I care about icecaps
- Denis Kucinich: I'm a loser but I'm going to take care of the winners
- Ted Kennedy: I'm a good swimmer but I've always cared about those who can't swim






I’m a loud mouth anti-war activist who thinks the troops are a bunch of warmongering, psychopath baby-killers, but I support the troops and am also for a woman’s right to choose.
I’m a journalist who thinks that the press and Republicans should stay out of the bedroom and should keep politics out of other people’s private lives (President Clinton in particular), but I also think we should have Sen. David Vitter on the front page news from now until election day and should ask him to resign.
I think Christians are a bunch of knuckle-dragging do-gooders stuck on age old superstitions and should be silenced and exit the political stage, but also I think they should come out and vote Democrat since we are morally-superior with our entitlement programs for the poor.
I’m a progressive Democrat who speaks truth to power, but I think that those who question the government and don’t trust the government are stupid close-minded fascist who won’t submit to the benevolence of an all-powerful centralized government.
I’m a progressive Democrat who agrees with Howard Zinn that nationalism is the root of all evil, but I also support the Iraqi nationalists who are fighting the tyrannical American occupiers.
I’m a progressive atheist who votes Democrat and believes “under God” should be stripped from the pledge of allegiance, our currency and our halls of political power, but also I think we should have footbaths for Muslim students on a college campus.
I’m a Democrat who believes imperialism is wrong and immoral, but also I supported the former Soviet Union’s quest to dominate the entire world.
I’m a liberal who believes that everyone is entitled to their first amendment rights, but also I wholly support speech codes on college campuses across America.
I’m a tolerant progressive Democrat but I think the Republicans are a bunch of stupid apes living in the stone-age and should be silenced and should be ridiculed for their opinions and beliefs.
I’m a journalist who believes that the media should be dominated by progressive leaning Democrats and should not be hindered by the federal government, but also I want the Fairness Doctrine to level the playing field on talk radio.
I’m a trial-lawyer who thinks corporations make obscene profits and should be regulated, but I also think tort reform and regulating obscene pay-outs for trial-lawyers is wrong.


I played in many movies and video games where my character wielded thousands of different types of guns of varying caliber, but once I gain control of the state I ban all .50 rifles from the public unless they have a special permit and pay lots of $$$ to the government.
And then I pass a law that requires all videogames with a rating of "M" to only be purchased and played by those 18 years old or over even though the ESRB rates them suitable for those aged 17 and up.
And then I whine and complain about how violent videogames ruin children and turn them into maniacal gun wielding psychopaths that will kill anyone who they see, despite me being in a videogame where you get to shoot police officers in a church.




Remember: People don't kill people, only guns and violent video games kill people!
(I get carded more buying a video game than I do a pack of cigs or alcohol, Betty.)
Before you know it, Betty, we will have the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Video Games “Open up! We heard you bought a video game! We have a warrant from Janet Reno instructing us to use deadly force if you don’t come out with the video games! Alright boys, fire bomb the place and edit the footage! We can't have the American people watch another tank level the place! It's for the children! FOR THE CHILDREN!”


Guns shoot people of their own accord. Poisons pour themselves into people's throats. Hillary didn't eat that cheeseburger; it flew on her ass and invited along all its friends and family.
Video games corrupt merely by being on the shelf.
And let's never forget the real reason for Progressive hostility to Christianity. Although no Christian myself for some years I still understand its virtues and I also understand the truth that a man can have only one master. Moral relativism is the rejection of any master outside one's own tender conscience du jour.
And so we are again back to All Animals Are Equal but Some Are More Equal than Others. For the true Progressive stands alone in the world, under the stars, the sole arbiter of his fate, deciding the fate of others by the revelations, not divine, but personal. And if you have assumed the mantle of the divine, then there is no reason that you cannot commit acts of God, which used to be called storms, blight and pestilence, but are now purges and re-education camps.
And how wonderful of the Progressives, to manage to one-up the Divine who managed these things without help. The Progressive takes things from people he will kill, using what they made, through the agency of goon squads.
Every time I think of our Red Chinese Brethren or Jolly Danny Ortega billing the families of people who had to be sanctioned for the costs of the bullets used in their re-education camps, I realize that even the IRS has much to learn.


But what is really cooking my goose right now (in regards to Democrat tomfoolery) is the MSM jumping on Vitter for frequenting whore houses while telling me - for so many, many years - that the frequenting of whore houses is "Okay" and that we should "keep private lives out of the media" all because their boy Clinton got caught with a porky intern under his desk.
Once again it is "All Animals Are Equal but Some Are More Equal than Others". This just highlights not only Vitter's hypocrisy (which, hopefully, he will pay for in the next election), but also the MSM's hypocrisy and application of the Party's beloved double-standard free pass for all Democrats.




Someone in, I think, The Weekly Standard thinks that Our Many Titted Empress is too smart to surrender, but has to make noises to pacify the moonbats and trolls. I am the last to impute anything reputable to her--I think that she ate her litters and only Chelsea got away--but it just barely possible--just--that she knows that the Islamists cannot be dealt with just as cancer cannot be dealt with. She is, in her way, worse than a troll because she uses these people who obviously insane. She knows what she's doing and is whoring our freedom for her power.
The moonbats are deranged with hatred and resentment, which is their own personal hell. I know something about that and it couldn't happen to nicer people. And she knows how to use them. Which is like training puppies to be attack pit bulls.


Quote:
After Live Earth produced the carbon emissions of a small country in order to discourage carbon emissions, Gore has moved onto eating endangered species to encourage their preservation, I guess. Don't ask questions. He's a visionary:Gore and his guests at the weekend ceremony dined on Chilean sea bass - arguably one of the world's most threatened fish species.
Also known as Patagonian toothfish, the species is under pressure from illegal, unregulated and unreported fishing activities in the Southern Ocean, jeopardising the sustainability of remaining stocks.
The species is currently managed by the Commission for the Conservation of Antarctic Living Marine Resources, the body which introduced a catch and trade documentation scheme as an attempt to tackle illegal poaching of this species.
The story comes from the Humane Society
http://www.townhall.com/blog/g/9339c7d2 ... 76418c41ed

Commissar Theocritus
She does look old and tired; the spells letting her walk on two legs are wearing off. But do you not know the beauty of the Mao suit? When Bill Gates rolled out some incarnation of the Blue Screen of Death, he and some of the Redmond Politburo appeared on the stage capering about in Mao suits--crimson ones at that. If they only had miters I would have looked for white smoke rising over the Vatican.

------------------------------------------
Isn't there a pasture somewhere that she should be grazing in?
MOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
--
Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev








It's towards the end when Kratos mentions it. I would react the same way as she did. Ignore all the filler, it's kind of weird.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=zCf7unhoDdM


Yeah. I tell myself that in my decrepitude, and wonder if all those good times some years ago were not merely fantasies. They say that the longest-lived cells in the body are brain cells so it's entirely possible that the cells which remembered the BEQ are merely memories of the cells that experienced the BEQ and it all happened at Roswell, NM instead of El Paso, Texas.






Sorry, that's not a liberal person living an "oxymoronical" lifestyle....that's just my favorite oxymoron.






But about that 95%; I am mindful of Kruschev who said that if you skin someone, you need to leave enough so there will be something to grow back.
Folks, I'm bored. When's the last time that you have a child raid? You know, and old-fashioned kidnapping of children of troublesome, non-progressive people? It's been such a long time since I sent a wet package back to some parent. And how they carry on; that kid can hear perfectly well with only one pinna; and if it's a girl, what's the problem? Just grow the hair long.
I figure if I do that enough my stock in contact-lens companies will rise.


Commissar Theocritus
... you'll have 95% of your salary taken to be used to fund preachments to you.95% tax rates are nothing but a sop to the reactionary corporate interests. Strong communism demands 100% tax rates!


https://www.ussf2007.org/
This is an article that I have decided to post on this fine site, I am risking my life by posting this here for my actions may result in my disappearance. I just hope that this is not my first and last post.
http://www.progressive.org/mag_wxld062907
The article is from "The Progressive,” I fear that I have put you all in danger by posting this information, I must go…Oh God!! An affordable housing group from Miami is shouting slogans in Spanish at me; they are throwing puppets in the shape of doves at me…Help me!!


Are you a Chilean Sea-Bass by chance?



PS, comrade, your avatar needs to be 80x80 or smaller. I think it can actually be a little larger than that but not humungous. I understand your revolutionary zeal but you must exercise Party discipline. Without Party discipline civilization will collapse and we will find ourselves living like barbarian capitalist pigs in our own filth.


Nothing like a robber baron to warm my heart. And how nice of him to die before we came into mortal combat.
Welcome. We are all progressives here, since words like communist, socialist, and totalitarian have all acquired a certain je ne sais quoi owing to those horrible Konservatives, who must be purged.


P.S. I hear that flamethrowers work really well against puppets.






Chairman M. S. Punchenko
I find puppets to be strangely arousing. Does anyone else share my same progressive feelings???You are indeed our canary in the mine shaft of progressivism, Chairman!
I sense a new social-justice cause brewing, in defense of Puppet-Americans.
STOP DEHUMANIZING PUPPETS!
PUPPETS ARE PEOPLE TOO!
PUPPETS FOR CONGRESS! (err... wasn't that the theme of the last elections, comrades?)






(Pic from raquelwalker.com)
Hugo's favorite puppet!


All we need is Ramsey Clark to complete the picture. Perhaps Howard Zinn can midwife the marriage.


Red Square
Speaking of which...
I always suspected Comrade Howie was into fisting ReTHUGlikans.
--
Zampolit Boris Sukavich Blokhayev




Can't resist. Sorry.


Commissar Theocritus
News Flash: Magic Pixie Juice II! If you are a progressive, take Magic Pixie Juice II! It makes you think that if you vote for elitists you can be one too. That if you let Algore eat Chilean sea bass while telling us to save the world that you'll be able to eat Chilean sea bass on Laurie David's Gulfstream instead of what will really happen: you'll have 95% of your salary taken to be used to fund preachments to you.And only one square of Sheryl Crowe's toilet paper to faire your toilette with.


Commissar Theocritus
But about that 95%; I am mindful of Kruschev who said that if you skin someone, you need to leave enough so there will be something to grow back.
(Paging through her Big Book of Righteous and Just Socialist Leaders) Kruschev, Kruschev, Kruschev.Comerade Theocritus, who was Kruschev? Does he have anything to do with these pages with big squares cut out between Stalin and Brezhnev? And these other pictures of Ho, Mao, and Castro, where it looks like Ho, Mao and Castro are responding to internal stimuli?


All the troubles on earth are caused by WOCOSMs. Krakatoa? A WOCOSM belched and Gaia had to teach him a lesson. The extinction of the dinosaurs? That's because a WOCOSM stepped on a gecko once, although if that gecko had been selling insurance and the WOCOSM had stuffed it up a caveman's ass with a hundredweight of TNT he would be spared 100 readings of the Progressive Catechism, Earth in My Grasp by the Goracle. Even the Goracle hates that goddamned gecko.
And don't give me that stuff about dinosaurs being extinct before the WOCOSMs came about; qa WOCOSM invented time travel just to extinguish the dinosaurs.
And as proof of it, someone using a treadmill went back in time and invented the word "boredom."
So it used to be if people looked at me funny, it was to the wall. Now if they just look at me they won't again.
I shine. I am radiant. I am Theocritus, out of whose ass the beneficence of the entire universe shines, and Whose wisdom surpasseth all understanding.
And I've got your family hostage.


Next I'm going to refine un-people to partial un-people. Our Many Titted Empress has paid me a great deal, hell she's given me Rhode Island to store my Mumbai Non Conflict Sapphire empties in, if I can develop for her an un-ass. She tells me that if she eats any more burgoo of Christian babies it will take a seam for her dresses, and already they're made on carpet looms.






Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Hmmm.... retroactive choice? Sounds interesting. *Idea*! After the revolution, I think it would be in our best interest to call the gulags a "retroactive planned parenthood facility". Yes, it rolls off the tongue much better than the classic "death camp" which we will be constructing for all of those who disagree with our progressive policies for Amerika.Meow,
I want to suggest a "retroactive planned parenthood facility" in Richmond, PCVA. Thanks to the People's Legislature of the PCVA and Bill 3202 which they passed in Feb 2007, we in the PCVA now will have to pay anywhere from $300 (minimum) to $3,000 (maximum) for traffic fines, and judges have no power to reduce the fines. I want People's Gov. Comrade Tim Kaine and Delegate Dave Albo (R-Fairtax) to be it's first "guests".
http://www.petitiononline.com/va3202/
--
Blokhayev


Here is my fav. bit from that petition you linked to:
That nice little petition Zam linked to
4. The bill's sponsor, Del. David Albo (R- 42nd District) is a partner in a law firm that specializes in traffic court cases and stands to benefit personally from this legislation. This type of conflict of interest should not be tolerated.Hmmm, no surprise there! Del. Albo is a trial-lawyer and is trying to profit off our misery (I'm shocked this guy is a Repub and not some Commiecrat!!). Ugh... what is it with our growing RINO problem in our fair Commonwealth!? It's no wonder Jim Webb squeaked into office when we have the RPV dropping the ball on so many issues and all of these RINOs running around! Speaking of the RPV, they really, really need to do something with their website... also, who is Chairman now??? Didn't Ed leave to go back to work in D.C?
<ponders>


The People's Commonwealth of Virginia is really making The Party™ very proud. Imagine that! A way to extort MORE money out of your proles and it's LEGAL!!!!. Even before bill 3202 was passed, VA was already a virtual police state!!! Anything the VA State Police wanted, the legislature GAVE it to them. Now, we very close to becoming the only "perfect" socialist state in the United Socialist States.
Every single member of the legislature (except that turd, Albo) is screaming for Comrade Gov. Kaine to call them back into a special session so they can repeal it. But Comrade Gov. says he won't. He says it can wait until the legislature reconvenes in January. I hope and pray a good communist like Comrade Gov. Kaine does not get recalled over this!
--
B. S. Blokhayev




Now, comrades, does that sound like the true socialist paradise of Virginia? How I envy you.
...Bruno..Do we have anything on Albo? Gotta get a piece of that action...


Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Hate-speech as defined by our comrades at Daily Kos.Here's a good post from that link. The poster, keeplaughing, knows communism and socialism are nothing to fear. "Commies" and "socialists" are just smear words deserving of being written in quotes. "Commie" and "socialist" are more hate speech right-wingers use to confuse the issues and scare people into voting repug.
Daily Kos - Hate Speech
None of these people (1+ / 0-)would ever vote for any Democrat anyway. They're afraid of "commies" and "socialists."
by keeplaughing on Sat Jul 21, 2007 at 05:42:30 PM PDT
[ Parent ]
Obviously we should outlaw the words "Commie" and "socialist" and when referring to totalitarian Stalinists we should only use the proper term: Democrat.

Comrade General Secretary of the Democratic Party with young Karl Marx Treatment Center volunteer Margaret.


Oh. Sorry. I'm reading the galley the 2008 People's Heritage Dictionary. Der Volkwerdbuch.




How sad their world must have been between the fall of the Berlin Wall, when the People's Dream of Justice and Freedom seemed to fall into dust and the rise of the Daily Kos, where progressives can gather to look forward to good times, where what they have is theirs and what others have is theirs too, and where being a progressive means never having to say that you're sorry for wasted lives and money and freedom.




By all means, let's tax everyone, especially all the Progressives who are real Progressives. All progressives are created equal, but some are more progressive than others, and you and I, and Zamp, and Red, and Otis, well, we're as progressive as all get-out. And I do miss SMO. Now she's a progressive's progressive.


Commissar Theocritus
And Zamp, well, there's one for you. That boy can go through Eagle Rare like a Kennedy through Chivas.Let's not forget my favorite vodka..... Chopin!!!! (http://www.chopinvodka.com/)
Quote:
By all means, let's tax everyone, especially all the Progressives who are real Progressives. All progressives are created equal, but some are more progressive than others, and you and I, and Zamp, and Red, and Otis, well, we're as progressive as all get-out. And I do miss SMO. Now she's a progressive's progressive.Once again, we have a situation which highlights that the late Comrade George Orwell was not only a genius, but a true prophet!
--
Blokhayev


Zampolit Blokhayev
Let's not forget my favorite vodka..... Chopin!!!! (http://www.chopinvodka.com/)Thanks for the excellent link to the potato vodka website. This product can surely invigorate and inspire the collective as strongly as waltzes and sonatas written by Fryderyk Chopin himself, improving the righteousness, the tunnel vision, and the proletarian zeal in our class struggle.
No doubt it is what the The Fryderyk Chopin Society has been drinking since 1934 which has helped them in "disseminating knowledge of Fryderyk Chopin and promoting his works."

And let's not forget what helped the Polish comrades to come up with an even more progressive version of the Cube!



It's the potato vodka, of course!


FAILURE ALERT:DKos breaks Party Code of falsely "Supportin' the Troops" by posting our TRUE feelings about the military! Commissars dispatched to delete the evidence! More at 11!


Damn. Where's Charlie Tree when you need him? Hill? Haven't heard from you lately. I hope that you and Janet and Babs Mikulski and Rosie didn't short-circuit Washington again playing around.


Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Pass the Chopin, comrades, I need a tall drink after hearing from one of my subordinates (who will be liquidated at once for knowing too much about this latest failure).FAILURE ALERT:DKos breaks Party Code of falsely "Supportin' the Troops" by posting our TRUE feelings about the military! Commissars dispatched to delete the evidence! More at 11!
Meow,
Thankfully this has been contained by DKos et al. Great Lenin's Ghost! Can you imagine the damage this would have done if Fox News had gotten a hold of this? Never the less, how the hell did classified Democratic Party information like this get out? I suspect a counter-revolutionary intelligence operative has penetrated our puppets ... er ... I mean ... fellow travelers at the Democratic Party. We should convene an Inquisition and call Comrade Howard Dean in. He has some explaining to do. Also we must demonstrate that The Party™ does not tolerate a breach of security. Comrade Dean should be disciplined by The Party™.
--
Blokhayev


And since I'm a good progressive, you should not believe me.






And, no. I didn't watch the debate, although I wanted to. Who do you think won?




Who won last night, Betty? Repubs... that's who won.










Which I would then pee on.


Kucinich
"We need to move away from reliance on oil, and coal, and towards reliance on wind and solar ... we take an entirely new approach to organize the entire country around sustainability, around conservation. We don't have to have our snowmen melting and the planet shouldn't be melting either."From a business perspective I like Kucinich! His administration would put huge subsidizes in our hands and help us crush our competition. He wants to "organize the entire country around sustainability, around conservation," which in practice means the most politically vocal political groups will be able to do whatever they want in the name of conservation and sustainability. Who defines "conservation" and "sustainability"? The most politically powerful. And that will be business. And why do we need to take a free country and gut it's freedoms and organize it around environmentalism? Because snowmen on claymation world are melting! Ha, ha, ha! You've heard of a strawman argument - meet the snowman argument, a new take on the strawman. Good stuff. Very creative.


We do it for The Children™, but now we also do it for People of Snow™.




Halliburton, I like your reasoning. You of course have found the Achilles' heel of reason: when everything is politicized, reason fails utterly. And so let's politicize everything. Snow. Straw. The wind. The sun. The dark. The night. There's always someone's money to spend in ways that we want, and thank the Good Lenin for that. I'd have to actually have to work, you know.


Countless Snow-Americans (Snowmen, Snowwomyn, Snowgays, Snowlesbians, and Snowtranssexuals as well as Snow-Blacks, Snow-Latinos, and Native-Snowpeople) suffering all over Amerikkka, denied their constitutional right to stay frozen throughout the summer and having problems procreating and taking care of their young. Maybe there's a germ of a Cube story in it.
Did I mention that Snow-Americans are also getting fatter? And what about the Snowpeople who happen to be Muslim?
EQUAL RIGHTS FOR ALL SNOW-AMERICANS!
And here's a direct transmission from Laika:




Look at them, comrades! Just look at them! Snow-Americans everywhere are withering away to nothing all because of George Bush and his American Empire! If we don't act now many more will melt away! Do you want their snow on your hands!? Huh!? Do ya!? I think not.... vote Democrat, NOW!


Mary Jo, where's my Scotch? You know you can't blow if I don't have blow!
Ah, that damned girdle, can't find my pecker. Chris, help me with this, won't you? Chris!
Damnit, don't let that stuff get away!

