Progressive Lightbulb Jokes

Q: How many Obama voters does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. Hoping that it would change is quite enough. Q: How many autoworkers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 17 at GM, Ford and Chrysler; 1 at Honda, Hyundai and Toyota. Q: How many Chicago pols does it take to change a lightbulb? A: F--- you, what am I gettin' outta this? Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb? A: It's burnt out on the Republican side, so we're not changing it. Q: How many MSM journalists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: No need, Obama is the Light.

~

Q: How many Congresspersons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None, but they'll allocate a few billion to achieve change under the Obama Stimulus Bill. Q: How many Daily Kos bloggers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: It was Bush's fault the bulb burned out; it'll get fixed by itself when he leaves office. Q: How many Minnesota Canvassing Board members does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Depends. They'll only change it if it looks like a vote for Coleman. Q: How many Oprah Winfrey fans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: The bulb's not so light these days. Q: How many Cubans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: There have been no lightbulbs since the USSR collapsed. Q: How many North Koreans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: What's a lightbulb? Q: How many Hollywood celebrities does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Six to make movies about evil lightbulb companies, twelve to lecture about the unequal distribution of light on late night talk shows and nine to get caught with drugs hidden in cartons of lightbulbs. Q: How many Obama appointees does it take to change a lightbulb? A: His team is currently in the process of finding someone from the Clinton Administration who knows how. Q: How many Caroline Kennedys does it take to change a lightbulb? A: She's never thought about it but now that you mention it, she'd love for someone to change it for her. Q: How many President Elect Obamas does it take to change a lightbulb? A: The bulb is a lot more burnt out than we thought. Clearly, the bulb has deteriorated. It might not be changed as quickly as we would like.

 

Opiate

Q: How many Oprah Winfrey fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: The bulb's not so light these days.
The bulb's not so bright these days either.

The glorious Oprah has a book club and being in it will make millions for an author. I had no idea there were more coffee tables than literate people in America.
 

Ah, it's good that the People's glorious school system has instilled a love of reading in our population. I have some titles in mind that I may try to get approved:

Why Come In Out of the Rain?
A Pictoral History of Thought
YOU Can Walk and Chew Gum Simultaneously at the Same Time
Great TV Hosts, Great Thinkers!
Oprah, the Guiding Light of Our Time (a little bit of sycophancy here)

Some of these topics are a bit advanced, but most will find them challenging enough to fill the time when the TV isn't working. And, they are sturdy enough to double as emergency table legs!
 

I just read an article how about Oprah sparked public interest in Kindle, Amazon.com's electronic book gizmo, by featuring it on her show. How timely! If we are impressed by coffee table books, think of how much more impressive it will be to see a coffee table sporting a Kindle with any number of coffee table books available on it!
 

 

Opiate

I just read an article how about Oprah sparked public interest in Kindle, Amazon.com's electronic book gizmo, by featuring it on her show. How timely! If we are impressed by coffee table books, think of how much more impressive it will be to see a coffee table sporting a Kindle with any number of coffee table books available on it!
Ah yes, presuming that people like that would have people who would know what Kindle is into their houses. To the people who got it, they could be reading, say, "When Harry Met Sally and Had Her over the Bar."

But, to keep up appearances, Amazon needs to modify the software. You can buy an attachment which shows all the books that you've just read, whether or not you've read them. And it will do spell checking too so that if you enter "War and Piece" it will come out right.
 

How many members of the porn industry are needed to change a light bulb?
All depends on what type of socket you want filled.

How many Hamas members does it take to change a light bulb?
Death to such unbelievers!

How many members of the IDF does it take to change a light bulb.
Just one, but must be done continuously since Hamas keeps blowing them up with rockets.

How many Ukrainians does it take to change a light bulb?
Can't tell. Even if the light bulb is changed Russia will cut off the electricity.
 

How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
See here, here, here, here, and here.
 

AbecedariusRex

How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
See here, here, here, here, and here.


Ah, this is the man that should have bought been named to Obama's Senate seat.
 

Why change the light bulbs? The burnt out ones will work as well as new ones do when Comrade Obama shuts down the evil fossil fuel greenhouse gassing and nuclear glow-in-the-dark mutation making power plants.
 

ABCDariusRex

How many members of the porn industry are needed to change a light bulb?

All depends on what type of socket you want filled.
Bayonet, screw, or mogul?
 

This thread is now featured on Free Republic whose readers have selflessly contributed to the collective the following lines:
=====================================

Q: How many Kennedys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to hold the light bulb and two to drink until the room spins around.

Q: How does Bono change a light bulb?
A: He just holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Q: How many union electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five... you gotta problem with that, buddy?

Q: How many gun control advocates does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they just pass a law against burnt out bulbs and then walk away wondering how come its still dark.

Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.

Q: How many President Elect Obamas does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None...it’s above his pay grade.

Q: How many people does it take to help Barney Frank put up a light bulb?
A: He can do it all by himself, but it takes an entire emergency room to remove it.

Q: How many progressives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One: When he/she/it realizes that the bulb not working the light coming on over his/her/its head will be more than sufficient to illuminate the room.

Q: How many progressives does it to take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why would you change it when you can ban it?

Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a progressive?
A: None. Some things will never see the light no matter how brightly it shines.

Q: How many Caroline Kennedys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: She’s never, you know, thought about it but, you know, now that you, you know, mention it, you know, she’d love for someone to, you know, change it for her, you know.

Q: How many Obama voters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Excuse me. Light bulbs are just another part of the soulless industrial society we should be moving away from in our mission to save Mother earth from warming. Obama's brother doesn't need no stinking light bulb and neither should we.

And some non-political ones, but funny nonetheless:

Q: How many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fish.

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Let's go ride our bikes!

Q: How long does it take Scotty to change the laws of physics?
A: The last 5 minutes of every episode.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light-bulb ?
A: 1, but the light-bulb has to really want to change.
 

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a solved problem.
 

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A#1: The demand for light will cause it to change itself.
A#2: Let's just assume it has been changed and turn on the damn light!
 

Attn: Red Square and other progressive members of our organization:

I demand to setup a special committee to Investigate WHO is responsible for using these CHEAP, OLD, ENERGY WASTING light bulbs (that contain NO MERCURY!) for the photo shoot...
 

We don't replace them with new bulbs. We replace them with burned-out bulbs. That's called recycling.

The last thing we want is light.
 

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
What exactly do we mean by light? and what is the nature of bulb qua bulb? and when change occurs is it really change if change is the only constant in the universe? perhaps the change isn't really change at all but rather the natural consequence of the da sein and zeitgeist of the spiritus mundi.
 

How many Realtors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If it's in a good location they'll kill each other fighting for it. If it's in a bad location they'll ignore it.
 

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: At least two, but they have to be really small.
 

Kolhoznik Afonasi

Attn: Red Square and other progressive members of our organization:

I demand to setup a special committee to Investigate WHO is responsible for using these CHEAP, OLD, ENERGY WASTING light bulbs (that contain NO MERCURY!) for the photo shoot...

And I'm demanding a special committee to investigate your special committee once we have the report from the special committee that is already investigating your horrid use of the People's colors.

I denounce thee.
 

Chairman M. S. Punchenko

I denounce thee.

I didn't know the Exalted Chairman had to denounce people. At least it used to be that way with the old Chairman. Wrong move and it's down to the basement and a bullet in the back of the head. No time wasted on denouncing unless the comrade in question warranted show trial and torture.
 

Criminally Insane, but Seemingly Rehabilitated, Vodkov, do not fret yourself about it. The Chairman is, pardon, a drama queen. It's high socialist drama, to be sure, of the first water, but drama queen nonetheless.

Why once I recall him over at the Rancho de Rio Grande he was sobbing over my dinner table, his hands on the stem of one of my finer Waterford glasses: "You don't know what it's like, Theocritus, you don't know what it's like. The burden, the responsibilities..." And then I swear he put the back of his hand to his forehead, but ruined entirely the look by looking at me out of the corner of his eye. A slight catch in his voice, and then, "It's so hard, Theocritus, so hard, to keep the truth in sight."

By that time Bruno was starting to laugh, or rather giggle and looking back on it I think that was what Meow had in mind. Because when I turned back to Meow not only was his drink gone but so was my Waterford. And the Japanese lace tablecloth.
 

Commissar Theocritus

By that time Bruno was starting to laugh, or rather giggle and looking back on it I think that was what Meow had in mind. Because when I turned back to Meow not only was his drink gone but so was my Waterford. And the Japanese lace tablecloth.

That only demonstrates the Chairman's zeal for redistribution of wealth. What we lesser socialists have to consciously do, the Chairman does automatically - without conscious thought. That's real progressivism!
 

Ah yes, Vodkov, Meow is a true progressive, in the high echelons of socialism. Thievery is in his DNA. I've seen him walk by a jewelry-store window and the diamonds leap against the glass to follow him home. Never before have I seen such a highly developed sense of taking other people's money.

But you, dear Vodkov, show great promise in the higher arts of chicanery, self-aggrandizement, and entitlement.

Where as I--I--never have time to perfect my art. For there is Bruno.

Would anyone like Bruno? It's been a year since I tried to give him away. He comes with lots of Maybelline.
 

How many Bruno Mirandas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but the CF bulb's coiled tubing circumference has to be at least 3 inches and the depth of the coil must be deeper that 9 inches.

Theocritus, why would you want to give Bruno away?
He's was an All American in football, basketball, baseball, and hockey.
 

Q: How many (NY guv) Pattersons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but there's 4 bulbs in the pack and he hasn't decided which one to pick....

Q: How many Leon Panettas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oh, crap, ANOTHER job he's not qualified for!

Q: How many Al Gores does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, and it means another Oscar and Nobel Prize on the horizon for him.
 

Noble Laika, Hero Space Dog, Ruler of My Tin-foil Hat

He's was an All American in football, basketball, baseball, and hockey. His brain was the goddamned hockey puck.
 

FOOLS! The only reason that Honda and Toyata can be so efficient is because our GLORIOUS PEOPLE'S REVOLUTION has yet to bring them into our folds.

I sincerely hope (even though hope is against progressive law) that one day, Honda shall be as inefficient and corrupts as the GLORIOUS GMC! Only then can our People's Republic flourish like the Soviet Union once did! (RIP, Comrades)

HAIL PELOSI AND OUR SAVIOR-COMRADE OBAMA!!!
 

To make Honda as inefficient as GM we have to make it a publicly traded company, unionize it, tell the workers that they're ill-treated, that there is no reason to make good cars, that the man hates them, and then Honda can whine at the government.

But what will I do? I got 360K miles off an Acura before it failed. Isn't that unfair competition? Perhaps I should by the Pelosimobile, or a Trabifurtz.
 

How many greedy, corrupt capitalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two; one to mix a martini, and one to call the electrician.

How many Union electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
17: 4 to form a committee to ensure all OSHA standards have been met at the site of the bulb to be changed; 1 to bring the ladder; 3 to say they have no part of their job descriptions that allow them to climb ladders; 2 to sleep on the job; 3 to not show up at all; 2 to remind everyone that it's Bush's fault that the light bulb isn't working in the first place; 1 to change the lightbulb; and 1 to share a martini with the greedy, corrupt capitalists.
 

Quote:

His brain was the goddamned hockey puck.

This is true! But did you know when he played hockey for Ball State he always put the puck in the 5 hole. He did take a lot of penalties though, usually for roughing or too many men on the ice. When it came to playing hard he was good with his fist. Every once and a while he would take a dive and got called for that too. People began to think he liked going to the box, but everybody knows that's just not true. I can't tell you how many times he deked a goalie out of his jock and slid it in with a wrister. When the goalie was pulled, he was always the extra man and usually you could count on his slapper from the top of the slot to tickle the twine and send it into overtime. You know, he got it in the mouth a lot and that's why he doesn't have any teeth.

Besides, when he does my trotters with his freshly sharpened skates, I always feel much better.
I'm so excited to become Madame Secretary. I'm glad I'm not moving back into the White House. It's such a dump anyhow. Not at all like the Rancho. Did you know both Michelle and Barack are color blind and they're letting Nansky do the drapes?
Oh how gauche! Earth tones and pastels....ughhhh!
Michelle is wearing a dashiki to the Inaugural Ball off the rack? I know these are tough times, but I'll be willing to lend back the china.
Hors d'oeuvres? Collards and Okra!..."Keepin' it real" I guess. I'm glad I'll be going to places like France to eat. I hear the French make a good haggis.
See? I'm worldly!
 

Hillary

Did you know both Michelle and Barack are color blind and they're letting Nansky do the drapes?

Oh how gauche! Earth tones and pastels....ughhhh!

Can it, sistah! The Obamas like my taste... Hell, they don't have a choice but to like my taste. If he wants a second term -- or a legacy, for that matter -- he has to come to me.

Hill, you should've stayed in the Senate. At least then you would still have your dignity. Oh, and speaking of dignity: I saw you hugging Bill during the Times Square New Year celebration. Pathethic... Just pathethic.

Whore.
 

Hillary

Quote:

His brain was the goddamned hockey puck.

This is true! But did you know when he played hockey for Ball State he always put the puck in the 5 hole. He did take a lot of penalties though, usually for roughing or too many men on the ice. When it came to playing hard he was good with his fist. Every once and a while he would take a dive and got called for that too. People began to think he liked going to the box, but everybody knows that's just not true. I can't tell you how many times he deked a goalie out of his jock and slid it in with a wrister. When the goalie was pulled, he was always the extra man and usually you could count on his slapper from the top of the slot to tickle the twine and send it into overtime. You know, he got it in the mouth a lot and that's why he doesn't have any teeth.



Omar Kayayay I am appalled!
 

Q: How many progressives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A couple to observe that the bulb needs changing. A handful to organize a committee on light bulbs. Add a dozen to work on a case study on light bulbs. Throw in another score to form an overwatch committee to make sure the case study is following proper guidelines and procedures. Then add a pinch of lawyers to handle the ubiquitous legal matters, and about ten lobbyists to bilk Congress for funding to pay for it all. Then wait about 4-8 years and watch the whole thing get scrapped by the new administration.

EDIT: Ah, crap, Kameradin Tsarevna stole my format!
 

Opiate of the People

Ah, it's good that the People's glorious school system has instilled a love of reading in our population. I have some titles in mind that I may try to get approved:

Why Come In Out of the Rain?

Comrade Opiate,

In the last century, I worked with a British progressive who once had a housemate who was a physics major, perhaps much like yourself. He had calculated that once it begins to rain, assuming the precipitation remains constant, whether you run for shelter or carry on with a stiff but damp upper lip makes no difference. He thus choose to walk when caught without an umbrella, although I assume he sought awnings and such where he could find them along his route.
 

Comrades,

I am puzzled by all this talk of light bulbs. I live by the Sun alone. When it sets, I burn my own excreta after mixing it with my wife's to heat our organic gruel with organic fuel. When the Sun comes up, I work, such as going to the mail box to collect my welfare check or hoeing my garden, each swing accompanied by a prayer of forgiveness to Gaia for the wounds I am inflicting on her.

No light is more rewardingly eco-friendly than the Sun. One day I intend to stand athwart Chichen Itza and carve from a Rethuglican chest a still-beating heart with which to entreat the Sun God that it might linger more above me because, frankly, it's pretty cold in winter.
 

Empress, I think that you must have had a few too many Rethuglican Virgins' Blood Bloody Marys at the Rancho. Bruno. My Bruno? (Until I can give him away. He is paper trained.) His idea of sport is texting to "American Idol." And as far as playing hockey? Way above his comprehension.

I swear that all he thinks of is Hollywood. If a hockey team set up there, say the Hollywood Pumps, he'd be all over that.

Nansky, be nice to Hillary. After all, she will be closer to the A-bombs than you will. Also since you are closer in line to the Presidency, I'd start checking my kibble if I were you. I love our Empress like I love the wart on my ass, but if you saw the wreckage she's made at the Rancho...
 

Quote:

I love our Empress like I love the wart on my ass, but if you saw the wreckage she's made at the Rancho...

I'm sorry about that....it was the ketamine and roofies talking. I told you to send the bill to Bonnie Fwank for the damages. Didn't Bruno give you the "stimulus package" that Bonnie sent?
As for the wart, I told you not to play with Ratnose and his toads. Next time, play it safe. Use free range gerbils.

Back to Bruno....Didn't he ever tell you about his basketball exploits? If he didn't get the easy lay-up, he'd drive hard to the hole and put it in. He was all over a player like white on rice when it came to man to man coverage. Excellent ball handler and he always hit the open man on the give and go. Did you ever see him dribble?

Nansky darling. From now on it's "Madame Secretary" OK? You can be "Madame Speaker"
Speak, come on, speak!
Here's a doggie biscut, speak!
"Woof"
That's a good Nansky. Here's your biscut.
All kidding aside Nansky, Cyndi Lauper could find better drapes at the Goodwill store. Why don't you just hang your beef curtains? They're big enough to cover an "event horizon" let alone the White House windows.
Next time you go to American Samoa to check out the Starkist tuna processing plant and grab your kickbacks, take a shower before you go. The plant manager said you stunk the place up and they're still fumigating.

Slut....and I mean that in a nice way.
 

My Generous and Wonderful Empress, Madame Secretary

Use free range gerbils.
We were at the party with Richard Gere when that happened and it will be burned on my brain for the rest of my life. I kept on urging him to make a sequel, Pretty Funny Sight but for some reason he wouldn't hear of it.

And, dear Hillary, as far as Nansky goes you don't know the half of it. When she's at the Rancho we have a tidal wave of cats. First every cat in West Texas and northern Mexico comes running to the Rancho. And when they get within about a quarter mile, they all go running off again. This wave of fur running...and then running away.

And yes, I'll give Bruno points for being an excellent ball handler. There are times, however, that I have to give penalties for unnecessary roughing...
 

Hillary

Back to Bruno....Didn't he ever tell you about his basketball exploits? If he didn't get the easy lay-up, he'd drive hard to the hole and put it in. He was all over a player like white on rice when it came to man to man coverage. Excellent ball handler and he always hit the open man on the give and go. Did you ever see him dribble?



Ayayay I am appalled again.
 

Rex, this is small beer to the exploits of Our Many Titted Empress over at the Rancho. I promise you that you would never sleep again if you saw her with Nansky and Janet Reno and Molly Yard and Margaret Carlson and Katie Couric in a coven meeting with power tools.
 

Comrade_Tovarich

Comrade Opiate,

In the last century, I worked with a British progressive who once had a housemate who was a physics major, perhaps much like yourself. He had calculated that once it begins to rain, assuming the precipitation remains constant, whether you run for shelter or carry on with a stiff but damp upper lip makes no difference. He thus choose to walk when caught without an umbrella, although I assume he sought awnings and such where he could find them along his route.

A fine example of modern Progressive thought, Comrade! Tossing aside the outmoded bourgeois straightjackets of empiricism and logic in favor of advanced psuedo-scientific theories which seem correct (or, as the reactionary Thomas Sowell put it, "Replacing what works with what sounds good" although he was speaking pejoratively! Ha!) But, your friend may have missed out on an opportunity for a lawsuit (which would benefit us all, of course!) Umbrellas should carry a warning "Fail to carry may lead to wetness in the event of an unforseen rainstorm." This is another peril of the evil Dihydrogen Monoxide that the public needs to be protected from.
 

Q: How many pscyzophrenics does it take to change a Ligh...

A: SHUT UP!! I'M TELLIN A JOKE HERE, YOU GUYS!!
 

Opiate, I think that we should also be allowed to sue the makers of cold relief which do not advise us to carry umbrellas as prophylaxis. "CAUTION: Use only if you have caught cold. The surgeon general has determined that colds make you feel icky. Do not go out into the cold, do not get wet, and do not get around people who are sniffling."
 

DDR Kamerad

EDIT: Ah, crap, Kameradin Tsarevna stole my format!

Wie schade. Es tut mir leid, Kamerad.
 

Q. How many Kal-Lee_Forn-yons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 5. One to change the bulb and 4 to "share the expierience." ;)
 

Opiate of the People

Comrade_Tovarich

This is another peril of the evil Dihydrogen Monoxide that the public needs to be protected from.

Comrade Opiate,

There floats around on YouTube an episode of Penn & Teller's Bullsh!t in which they hire a woman to collect signatures (at some green event) to curtail Dihydrogen Monoxide. She cites how it is found in our rivers and lakes, causes urination and perspiration, and such. I forget how many signatures they collect before someone finally realizes (after signing) that he's been had.

Remember: If it sounds like a chemical, it will kill you and must be banned!

Years ago a university research MD told me of an encounter with some eco-freako who informed him that he relied on natural medicines because they were so much safer, so natural. The MD acquaintance promptly suggested some hemlock tea.
 

How many Radikal Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, BUT IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!

How many members of Hamas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, BUT IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!

How many ACLU lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, BUT IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!

How many Community Organizers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, BUT IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!

How many SAG members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, BUT IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!

How many politicized musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, BUT IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!

How many Liberal left-leaning guilt-ridden self-hating Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, BUT IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!

How many Mimes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, BUT IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!

How many PETA member does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, BUT IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!

How many ambassadors to the United Nations from Muslim countries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, BUT IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!

How many dolphins does it take to screw in a light bulb?
pshshthsssst... klikklikklik... skreeee.. phsstthhtssphlphlphlew....

 

Comrade Tovarich,

It is easy to laugh at the foolish, the ignorant and gullible and to play pranks at their expense but to be candid, where would the Progressive Party be without them? Who would the saviors save if no one needed saving? If everyone could make intelligent decisions, why would they need the Party to decide for them? Don't you see, the Party would die because capitalism would work! No, Tovarich, instead of denigrating stupidity, we must celebrate it for their ignorance is our strength! Our school system and our media are leading the charge to make sloppy thinking and dimwittedness a badge of honor! The man who does not know dihydrogen monoxide is water but who does know every role Alec Baldwin has ever played in the movies is doing a great service to society; he is empowering Progressivism!
 

Opiate, I think that you are right and you have just given a philosophical underpinning to JifiLobo. What about this slogan:

"Don't think. It hurts! You won't be cool! Try JifiLobo today for that no-worried feeling!
"Bring Depends."
 

Comrades,

Comrade Opiate re-opened my wide-shut eyes. Thank you! However, I honestly don't know who Alec Baldwin is, although I see from context he is an actor, one who pretends to be what he is not: a progressive role model.

I heart Comrade SMO for her lightbulb jokes. However, pelagic dolphins (all those rivering Chinese ones are dead now, right?) changing lightbulbs sounds, frankly, shockingly dangerous.

Comrade Commissar Theocritus might be getting a title change once that South Dakota guy--Daschle, is it?--becomes Health Czar or whatever. JifiLobo has great promise for keeping the Party going and the votes rolling in.
 

Q: How many Gazans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: There are no lightbulbs in Gaza because Hamas uses them as weapons.
 

I suspect that Tom Daschle will become the model for the New Progressive--that soft voice, that knife in the back. Imagine squadrons of goose-stepping goons in jack boots ready to kick in the doors of people who doubt global warming.

Just as it is a crime in German to deny the Holocaust, it will be a crime to deny Global Warming.
 

Comrade_Tovarich

Comrades,


No light is more rewardingly eco-friendly than the Sun. One day I intend to stand athwart Chichen Itza and carve from a Rethuglican chest a still-beating heart with which to entreat the Sun God that it might linger more above me because, frankly, it's pretty cold in winter.

I am sorry to correct you, comrade, but the sun which you claim is so natural is run on nuclear energy, which is, as you know, a threat to all existence. Also, there are those who suspect that it has a role in global warming, but please do not report me for saying this, and I will not report you for saying that it is still cold in the winter-- as this cannot be. Warming is Inconvenientruth, as you know.

Another correction: it is well known that Rethuglicans have no hearts. Perhaps your sacrifice festivities could use global warming deniers instead. Carry on.
 

Are no global-warming deniers usually Rethuglicans? I know that there are rumors of people who can think but like the yeti the rumors fall far short of the truth.
 

Commissar Theocritus

Are no global-warming deniers usually Rethuglicans? I know that there are rumors of people who can think but like the yeti the rumors fall far short of the truth.

You speak the truth, Commissar. I must accept correction, I'll get my shovel.

I suspect all of them have neither brains nor hearts, so we shall just remove and redistribute their valuables, and send them for reeducation. Perhaps as lightbulb changers, once the switch to compact flourescents is in mandated.

Also, I am ashamed to report that my correction is not up to date: it IS still cold in the winter, an inconvenient point that deniers hoped would discredit the movement. It does not. Cold is is due to Climate Change which accurately describes all damage done to the planet.

"Global Warming" has been withdrawn, and actually erased from the records and a new, even more True truth has replaced it. Most people have already been reeducated, but I was away tending my beet crop. Any inclement weather is due to increased CO2, caused by capitalist activity, and directed at polar bears specifically. I apologize for any confusion I may have foolishly caused.
 

Not to worry, People's Tool, not to worry.

Here's the plan. Find something that you can scare people with.
Make up a reason for it.
If someone has a reason that it couldn't be true, sneer at him and say he dresses funny.
Say he's in denial.
Then if there is inconvenient truth to deny, change your accusation.
Say that the remedy for just the opposite thing is just the same thing.

See? It's a patent medicine. Good for what ails you, no matter what it is, and you get to (1) sell the medicine, (2) make people pay you for it, (3) and get self-righteous about it.

It's very simple. Notice that at no time is there any logic whatsoever except in traducing other people.

I care. Because I am a progressive.
 

Comrades, we have all had a lot of fun with this thread but it is time now for some serious progressive thoughts: ordinary comrades should NOT change lightbulbs themselves. Only a qualified state technician should be allowed to change them. Why? Lightbulbs are not funny, they are DANGEROUS:

1) Lightbulbs contain dangerous vacuum
2) Lightbulbs are made of dangerous glass; if they are dropped, they could explode and cause injury to children, adults and other living things.
3) Lightbulbs get HOT while in operation, so hot that they can cause burn injuries to untrained personnel. OW!
4) DIY comrade lightbulb changers hurt the economy by depriving state-certified and trained lightbulb changing technicians of work! You workers who change your own lightbulbs are not only endangering yourself and others but you are taking the food (and the lightbulbs) out of your comrades' mouthes! Have you no shame?
5) Used lightbulbs must be disposed of in an environmentally friendly state-approved anal-retentive regulated manner.
6) Hospitals are now required to report to the police anyone who was injured while changing or disposing of a lightbulb. Fines and jail time may be imposed. For the greater good.

Comrade Obama does NOT change his own lightbulbs. Do you think you are smarter than Comrade Obama? (If so, the Party wishes to speak with you in private, without benefit of counsel.)

This has been a public service message from S.L.A.C.K. (State Lightbulb Action Committee Kleptocrats.) "Our work is to keep you from being in the dark (and to prevent future lightbulb jokes.)"
And yes, it takes 15 of us to change a bulb, per our contract.
 

Opiate, I take your point, or points, well. But do you think that we should have a Brevet Light Bulb Officer's License? There are times that you just have to change your own light bulb, and if you went to school, two weeks a year ought to do it, to get your BLiBOL, then you would be able to change say the bulb in your bathroom so that you didn't cut your neck shaving.

Of course you would have to fill in a form of an AutoB BLiBOL, which means that a true representative of SLACK would come by from 8 to 5 on the appointed day to check your work, make sure that you were not harmed, and keep up the employment.
 

A great suggestion, Commissar! Comrade Obama knows the economy needs more regulation but it also needs more jobs. Why not simply employ more (and more and more) regulators? It is like killing TWO Rethuglican enemies-of-the-people with ONE war crimes trial. For example, the light bulb changing technician training school would need to be inspected and certified so it will need an inspector and certifier. The inspector and certifier will need to be regulated so they will need a regulator to make sure they are inspecting and certifing properly. In turn, the regulator will need to be coordinated so there will need to be a coordinator for each regulator of each inspector and certifier. And all the coordinators will need to be overseen by an overseer to make sure nothing is overlooked. Then, each coordinator will need a liason and an ombudsman.... well, you get the idea. These are just the kind of infrastructure-building well-paying non-outsourcable jobs America needs to get the economy moving again!

The Brevet Light Bulb Officer's license is also a good idea but I don't know about the home shaving thing. Razor blades are dangerous and shaving cream is poisonous if taken internally. It is also very slippery and can cause serious injury if placed on a tile floor. It is very hazardous for an untrained individual to shave oneself and shaving should only be performed by a state certified, trained, approved and inspected shaving technician. The shaving technician must be accompanied by a lightbulb-changing technician in case the lightbulb burns out while the shave is in progress. These precautions are necessary for public safety.
 

Opiate, you're right about the regulators for the regulators. While we are at it, we should see to the mental health of the regulators. It is stressful being on the front line of regulation--making sure that all forms are filled in, that all reports are sent in to the right places. Why, once I knew a regulator who got the wrong zip code on an envelope because his office-services coordinator had let him run out of envelopes. This meant that he did not get the required form. This required three months' time off for post-traumatic stress disorder.

As to the shaving. I think that you are right. We should decree that people not shave. This would make Christians and Jews and atheists indistinguishable from Islamists and therefore we could be sure that there was no profiling while going through airport security.
 

Commissar Theocritus

As to the shaving. I think that you are right. We should decree that people not shave. This would make Christians and Jews and atheists indistinguishable from Islamists and therefore we could be sure that there was no profiling while going through airport security.


Once His Excellency ascends to the Presidency isn't he going to ban all religions? After all, His Excellency does not like to have competition.

But yes, everyone should be required by law to shave. For the sake of The Children™ we must make this a law. If Oprah should stop shaving can you imagine the psychological damage it would do to The Children™? And yet, there should be an exception for Michelle. I think she would look quite handsome if she would grow a goatee.

--
 

Zampolit Blokhayev

Once His Excellency ascends to the Presidency isn't he going to ban all religions? After all, His Excellency does not like to have competition.
--


No Comrade, this will not be necessary. Remember that Obama informed the gathering of limosine progressives in San Frappecisco last spring that the proletariat only clings to god and guns because they have no faith in the government. (The limosine progressives clucked affirmatively in unison, for there can be no dissenting opinion when Obama speaks.) You see, once the Age of Obama arrives, the rivers of benefits will flow from DC like the mythical manna from heaven and the unwashed masses will drink heartily (and hopefully they will wash, too, because... Phew!) Once their thirst for taxpayer-provided bounty is quenched, their faith in their benefactors in Washington will be restored and there will no longer be any need to trust an invisible magic being. Religion will be seen as the anachronism that it is and fade away on its own with only a minor persecutory push from the ACLU. All except for Islam, whose practitioners we must defer to because they still have their god and guns (especially the latter) and the limosine progressives have... neither.
 

Ah, yes, Opiate. We must never ask Progressives to be brave. We Progressives always sneer at and laugh and and insult white Christian Americans because we know that they will not fight back. But we never insult Muslims. They might kill us.

This is not cowardice. It is only a reasonable precaution so that we can live for another day of chablis and brie.
 

Allow me to share my quite old (but fully functional, just as Karl Marx's writings are!) Moonbat Jokes:

http://scottthong.wordpress.com/2008/02/01/moonbat-jokes/
———————————

How many global warmists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Energy inefficient filament bulbs are a carbon-spewing crime against Mother Gaia. We must only use mercury-laden fluorescent lights.

———————————

How long does it take Hillary Clinton to change a lightbulb?

35 years, and only after Barack Obama declares that he stands for Change.

———————————

How many Obamas does it take to change a lightbulb?

Didn't Jimmy Carter already change that lightbulb 30 years ago?

———————————

If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound?

9/11 Twoofer: Trees don’t fall over by themselves! Fire doesn’t melt wood, it was brought down by thermite charges planted by Bush’s conspiracy!

Hamas: A great sound of suffering is heard from the Palestinian people, as the Zionist oppressors forcibly confisticate the tree that rightfully belongs to Gaza in order to build their apartheid wall!

———————————

Why did the Moonbat cross the road?

Because the sign said DO NOT CROSS ROAD.

———————————

Why did the ACLU cross the road?

You are hereby notified that we are filing suit against your offensive and intolerant hate speech which prominently included a Christian religious symbol.

———————————

What’s the difference between a furball that’s humping Captain Kirk and MoveOn.org?

One’s Tribble lechery, the other’s liberal treachery.

———————————

A pro-choice, 30-year old, liberal Moonbat was looking through a yard sale when she found an antique lamp. As she rubbed clean to see if it would make a good bong for smoking weed, a genie appeared out of it.

The genie said: “I will grant you one wish. Name your heart’s desire, and it will come true!”

Without hesitation, the Moonbat commanded: “I wish that every woman could freely choose to have an abortion!”

The genie snapped his magic fingers, altered time and space, and POOF!…

The Moonbat’s mother had an abortion when she got pregnant 31 years ago.

-----------------------------------
 

The Skinnee Jay

Q: How many Gazans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: There are no lightbulbs in Gaza because Hamas uses them as weapons.

Comrade The Skinnee Jay,

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.... no.... Hamas has no weapons, or rather, they have no weapons OF THEIR OWN. Israel sells them all their weapons, or even gives them to them for free in some secret and anonymous way. In fact, it may not even BE Hamas attacking Israel... It's probably The Jews (I know this because I am one when I'm not a Buddhist Dolphin)... It's the truth - just like 9/11... Did you know that no Israeli's went into the Twin Towers OR the Pentagon on 9/11 because they were all forewarned... It's true - I heard a Professor from Birzeit University on the radio and although he had not proof of this assertion, per se, the radio host who was interviewing him took it as fact so it must be... I mean, those radio hosts have fact checkers and people who do research about guests and stuff ahead of time so if she didn't question him, then it must be because it's true, though she did ask if he had proof... he didn't answer her, but I'm sure he didn't have to... Also - and this is the REALLY IMPORTANT PART - he said that Israel is selling Hamas weapons, and even giving them to Hamas and other Palestinian Freedom Fighters for free, so that they have a reason to attack the poor Palestinians when they use the very same weapons against Israel... I also heard this from the same professor and in fact, I read it all the time in all sorts of international newspapers and see it on TV shows from all over the world and no one ever argues so it must be true... The Jews are complicit in blowing themselves up...

I have been working on an Origin of Species of Jews (as such) for a while now, to help other people understand all the different kinds of Jews there are, because there are tons of different kinds - you wouldn't believe how many!!! And this is the exciting thing... since 9/11 - well - even before, like maybe even when Israel went into Lebanon in 1981, or even more recently, they might have sold Hezbollah weapons too so that Hezbollah could give them to the Palestinians, and during the most recent Israeli Invasion of Lebanon - do you remember - it all started because the Palestinians were lobbing essentially unguided rockets into Israel and digging tunnels under the wall and then they snatched an Israeli soldier and then so did the Lebanese... I'm sure they just wanted to talk to them - you know, get to understand them better so they could build bridges and whatnot, but never mind that now... The REALLY exciting thing is that this represents a new species of Jew - or rather, the discovery of a new species. These Jews who sell and give rockets to Palestinians and other Muslim Freedom fighters, they are a completely new species known as the Self-Exploding Jew!!! No one is sure yet whether they are a completely new species or have been around for a long long time and have only just been discovered, like those 'hobbits' in Indonesia, but isn't that cool? They actually blow themselves up by giving the means of their own destruction to others! And then, they get to retaliate for having blown themselves up!

Nature is so incredible. The diversity and sheer wonder of the creatures that the world is made up of never fails to astound and shock me. It is almost too unbelievable to be true! Such smart and wily creatures, the Jews... They could run the world if they wanted to... I'm sure of it!

Yours in Scholarship,
SMO
 

Commissar Theocritus

Ah, yes, Opiate. We must never ask Progressives to be brave. We Progressives always sneer at and laugh and and insult white Christian Americans because we know that they will not fight back. But we never insult Muslims. They might kill us.

This is not cowardice. It is only a reasonable precaution so that we can live for another day of chablis and brie.

Yes, like our pacifist progressive ancestors said to the Nazis. "Invade my country if you must but please don't stomp on the floor, I've got a souffle' in the oven."
 

SMO,

I heard that the Hamas are not firing rockets from Gaza into Israel but instead it's the Israelis THEMSELVES launching rockets straight up into the air and they come straight down and blow stuff up and the Israelis stand there and point towards Gaza and yell, "Hey, those guys are launching rockets from over there." I forget where I heard that but I heard it and it was somebody reliable that said it.

I also heard like way back in 1981 the Israeli army built a nucular reactor in the Iraqi desert and Saddam Hussein found out about it and called up Israel on the phone and said, "Who said you guys could build a nucular reactor in my desert? I'm gonna call the UN!" So the Israeli air force went and blew it up and said it belonged to the Iraqis so the Iraqis had to all leave and go into Kuwait to get away from the radiation. So, the Israelis called up George Bush and told him to get those Iraqis out of there so he sent the army and chased them out and they all had to go back to Iraq and die of radiation and stuff. And they had to eat oil for food. This is stuff the right-wing media don't tell us. Ignorance is blessed, eh?
 

Sister, I think you have hit on something. Israelis are acting out a Messianic complex. Hamas, being naughty children, launch unguided missiles into Israel. Israel then tells Hamas where it will strike, and Hamas puts families on the roof of the houses to be killed.

Hamas arms suicide bombers who, if they screw up and don't blow themselves up, are refused admission back into Palestine. So they go to Israeli hospitals where they are treated.

Obviously this is Jews acting out a Messianic complex.
 

Comrades,

Where was it that recently I saw people protesting not only "the Jews" but also "the Juice" for the suffering--sorry, the genocidal Holocaust--of Palestinians? That's it: a People's Boycott of Juice!

[progressivism off]
Q: How many Gazans will be left to screw in lightbulbs?
A: Hopefully just the 2% who don't hate Jews more than they love their own children.
[progressivism on]
 

People's Tool

I am sorry to correct you, comrade, but the sun which you claim is so natural is run on nuclear energy, which is, as you know, a threat to all existence. Also, there are those who suspect that it has a role in global warming, but please do not report me for saying this, and I will not report you for saying that it is still cold in the winter-- as this cannot be. Warming is Inconvenientruth, as you know.

Comrade People's Tool,

Thank you for your input. Comrade Commissar Theocritus has addressed the heart matter (and you duly picked up your shovel), but you do pose an interesting question about nuclear energy. However, I think I have the Party-approved answer (backed by consensus):

The Sun's energy is nuclear yet it is naturally nuclear, whereas Three Mile Island, Chernobyl, and their ilk are/were man-made (sorry, I am not sure if it should instead be anthropogenic in this case). The Sun brings the atomic and sub-atomic communities together to create energy, like The One when he was a "community organizer"; nuclear power plants exploit and rip these communities apart to provide energy born of literal pain and destruction--clearly capitalist, no matter who built the nuclear energy plants. That is, I believe, where the distinction lies.

French nuclear power plants, however, get a pass because France is a progressive country that helped produce or empower Robespierre, Pol Pot, Ho Chi Minh, Ayatollah Khomeini, and Emperor Bokassa and educates Kim Jong-Il's children. This is also why their last nuclear bomb testing in the Pacific was OK with everyone who matters, the more equal, like you and I.
 

Yes, Tovarich, you are right about France. And let us not forget that Mitterand refused Ronald Reagan the permission to fly over France to visit Libya. Any finger in the eye of Uncle Sam is just fine by me.

In fact I intend to blind Uncle Sam as much as possible so that I will be utterly defenseless to the Islamists, and when they come we'll have a group hug and some chablis and brie, or goat's eyes and yoghurt, and all will be well. I'll understand what they want and they'll understand what I want, and when they kill me I'll have a clear conscience.
 

The Tsarevna

DDR Kamerad

EDIT: Ah, crap, Kameradin Tsarevna stole my format!

Wie schade. Es tut mir leid, Kamerad.

Ingen årsak, Kameradin...helt betjener for kollektivet

Whoops--I was in Norwegian Red Party mode...standing behind our faithful doctors helping the terrorized philistines with advanced CPR techniques and even more advanced "nuancing!"

Now to slip into proper Stasi 2.0 mode...

Kein Problem, Kameradin...alles dient dem Kollektiv.

and for the post-literate monolinguistical proletariat (shame on you! How can you expect to win hearts and minds of the world if you are landlocked by your language?! We'll bring them into our own Kultur in time...but first, we must meet them on their own terms!) :

"No problem, Comrade...everything serves the collective!"
 

Will my schoolboy Latin suffice? After all, the line that resonates most with me is "Et tu, Brute?"

A fine line for a Progressive. To hear.
 

Comrade_Tovarich

Comrades,

Where was it that recently I saw people protesting not only "the Jews" but also "the Juice" for the suffering--sorry, the genocidal Holocaust--of Palestinians? That's it: a People's Boycott of Juice!

[progressivism off]
Q: How many Gazans will be left to screw in lightbulbs?
A: Hopefully just the 2% who don't hate Jews more than they love their own children.
[progressivism on]





Comrade Tovarich,

Congratulations on your perceptiveness! Until I read your commentary, I had assumed that the individual pictured was just another reactionary OJ Simpson hater. Thank you for enlightening me that he in reality is a victim of Zionist oppression who is also in dire need of taxpayer-subsidized spelling lessons. This is the kind of immigrants this country needs: good-for-nothing troublemakers noble victims of Israeli aggression who will shame us out of our juice-loving Jews-loving ways.

Q: How many Gazas will be left to screw in lightbulbs?
A: Don't screw in that lightbulb, it will give away our rocket-launching position!
 

Comrades Opiate of the People and Theo,

I believe it might be true that the Israeli's are firing rockets at themselves by firing them straight up in the air... it would certainly fall within their general MO...

And as far as poor Hamas having to hide behind women and children, what the hell else do you expect them to do, poor things... I mean, they have no bases, as such, and so they have to operate in civilian areas and so when Israel "retaliates" the poor Hamas members have no where to run and hide but into close by buildings like hospitals, schools and apartment buildings - not to mention the occasional 'refugee camp'... Though, I have recently been thinking that perhaps we at the cube are not the first to practice the "necroproxy strategy" as I think that perhaps Hamas might be using necroproxies to up the body counts at sites where Israel has 'retaliated'... though this could just be a terrible Jewish lie... who knows anymore, there are such strategies within strategies within strategies... I mean, Israeli nuclear reactors in the Iraqi desert... Skating rinks in Metullah... what next?

I don't know about the Messianic complex... but I have been thinking about the fact that if it's true that the Jews and Israel are complicit in their own exploding... if they are, in fact, Self-Exploding as scientific theory would suggest, then this also means that the poor Palestinians have absolutely no control over their own destiny whatsoever, which would make them the ultimate victims... Isn't that sad? Though some horrible people who have no sense of humanity might say this is a horrible horrible thing to suggest... that Hamas might be spreading the idea that the Jews are responsible for their own Self-Explosion which in turn, implies that the Palestinians have even less control over their destiny than even the rest of the world already suspects, would be a brilliant strategy on their part for manipulating the way the world view them - as having no power over their lives at all... Do you really think they might have been making up stories so that the rest of the world sees them as absolutely powerless... that it might not be true that the Jews are responsible for everything and that the Palestinians are only saying they are so that they will appear even more mired in victimhood, thereby not only not having to take any responsibility for provoking Israel but also then blaming Israel for controlling the entire situation so that Palestine can never have any control over their own destiny and are doomed to be powerless pawns in some Israeli/Jewish conspiracy that allows them to retaliate with impunity?... Hang on... now I'm even confusing myself...

Would that mean that the 19 Muslims who went to Paradise during the 9/11 attacks were actually working for the Jews?... does that mean they didn't get to go to Paradise?...

Now I have a headache...
Sister Massively Opiated
 

Q: How many Gazans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They quit screwing in light bulbs. The goats didn't like them in their asses.
 

SMO

Would that mean that the 19 Muslims who went to Paradise during the 9/11 attacks were actually working for the Jews?... does that mean they didn't get to go to Paradise?...
No, sister, as far as a passport to paradise goes, killing unbelievers trumps working for Jews because the Palestinians then can rise up and kill the Jews--after payday of course.
 

Opiate of the People

Comrade Tovarich,

Congratulations on your perceptiveness! Until I read your commentary, I had assumed that the individual pictured was just another reactionary OJ Simpson hater. Thank you for enlightening me that he in reality is a victim of Zionist oppression who is also in dire need of taxpayer-subsidized spelling lessons. This is the kind of immigrants this country needs: good-for-nothing troublemakers noble victims of Israeli aggression who will shame us out of our juice-loving Jews-loving ways.

Q: How many Gazas will be left to screw in lightbulbs?
A: Don't screw in that lightbulb, it will give away our rocket-launching position!

Comrade Opiate,

Thank you for the picture! You might be onto something: "Juice" could be a codeword for "Jews," and we all know what Alcee Hastings feels about disenfranchised black Jewish stripping meese, and felonious (thus disenfranchised in most states) black actors (who might be closet) Jews works.

Then again, the young man might simply need more "Hooked on Phonics," although methinks he prefers "Hooked on Bombings."
 

Commissar Theocritus

Q: How many Gazans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They quit screwing in light bulbs. The goats didn't like them in their asses.

Theo,

Your joke suggests a relation to Theo van Gogh. I seem to recall him making similar comments. Then a progressive Muslim, in fluent Dutch, bloodily slaughtered placed him on the register of potential ACORN voters who are life-challenged.

Those Dutch--the ever fewer ones who remain, that is--are mostly a progressive lot, we know.