Single Issue Chickens - A Foul Tale

Once upon a time in a land far away, a flourishing chicken pen secured an eclectic gathering of reasonably happy chickens, as chicken happiness goes. Each morning our industrious chicken rancher admired his chicken settlement from the comforts of his country kitchen, while enjoying his French press coffee, gluten-free toast, and two eggs over easy with a dash of Tabasco. Granddad had bequeathed the farm to his son and father to son so the resulting pride was abundant and responsibilities unending. So very attached was the rancher to his chicken dependents, he would never kill even one single chicken to eat or sell, but only harvest the eggs for personal consumption or sale in the village.

Each chicken spent his (or her) day with traditional chicken tasks and endeavors. The roosters crowed each morning around sunrise, while hens clucked all day long. They all pecked, ate, drank, scratched and pooped on everything over which their chicken butts could hover. Few if any thoughts of significance ever entered their chicken brains because, truth be told, chickens are stupid creatures devoid of reason or agenda. This is a good thing in chickens because their only known function is to be eaten or lay eggs, with a possible exception of lending inspiration for chicken decorations and pictures.

Every morning, after breakfast, the rancher purposefully trekked to the chicken pen to feed and water his chickens and gather eggs. The rancher's name has been lost to history but for convenience we shall call him Mitt. Mitt was ever so conscientious about feeding and watering his chickens. He kept them warm in winter and dry in summer and they never complained or thanked him. Animals can do neither of course, and Mitt did not expect it. In return for his conscientious effort on their behalf, Mitt thought it fair trade to gather their eggs into a basket for consumption or sale.
~

However it happened, no one really knows, but a minority of the chickens had acquired ideas - not intelligence as we would consider intelligence - but ideas. Several hens and a few roosters began to question why Mitt was taking those eggs in that basket out the squeaky gate and what he was doing with them. Rumors started circulating that Mitt (and this is uncomfortable to say) had been frying the eggs and eating them. Worse yet, he sometimes beat the eggs unmercifully and dumped them into decadent delicacies. The rest he sold into slavery. Minority discord had entered the happy chicken pen.

Being chickens, they had no idea what frying, beating, delicacies, or slavery were; it sounded bad and they objected strongly. So the dissenting chickens set about protesting and demonstrating and demanding to be heard and placated. These were single issue chickens; no other idea ever entered their little chicken brains.

Now, each morning, when Mitt entered the chicken pen to feed, water and assure their collective well being, the small but noisy group of dissidents crowed and clucked and scratched and flapped their wings and maneuvered in attempts to poop on Mitt's shoes. This was all curious to Mitt but "chickens will be chickens," so he lacked appreciation for the seriousness of their cause. Generally you might say that Mitt noticed nothing unusual in spite of the protesting chicken's high estimation of their own effort, effectiveness, and importance.

Chickendom had been witnessing this noble cause and carryings-on for several days, which was unfortunate, because a family of foxes, who lived across the meadow and up on capitol hill, had been heretofore unaware of said chicken pen. All this new ruckus attracted the fox family's attention; so down the hill and across the meadow they came, directly to the corner of the pen opposite Mitt's kitchen window, which was conveniently obscured from observation by the hen house.

You might think that foxes are extremely clever, positioning themselves behind the hen house and out of Mitt's sight, but like chickens, foxes are quite dumb. Not as dumb as chickens because few of God's creatures are as dumb as chickens. But foxes are, contrary to common myth, of limited intelligence. Their hidden position was quite by accident. Nor did the foxes sympathize or oppose the agenda of our newly formed pro-egg party. Foxes are limited in their desires and activities. Like all animals, they eat, drink and procreate of course. But foxes are programmed to hunt and kill things. Sometimes they eat what they kill and sometimes not. So today they saw things to eat and things to kill and a fence in their way, which they proceeded to work upon with vigor and enthusiasm.


Our protesting chickens did notice the foxes working on the fence behind the hen house and found it curious but inconsequential. Egg conservation was the important thing now and they were not about to be deceived, distracted, or dissuaded. In Mitt’s absence, when protest seemed a waste of energy for lack of appropriate audience, they worked on the non-aligned chickens who were only interested in Chicken stuff. Refusing compliance but really lacking any understanding of anything non-chicken, the non-aligned remained non-aligned and the pro-egg party members chided and derided them severely.

The following morning, when Mitt was performing his chores, he noticed the growing hole in the fence behind the hen house. This was alarming and Mitt set out to repair the hole immediately. One had to be on one’s knees to repair a hole low enough to be accessed by fox families; this lent perfect opportunity for chicken protesters to make their position on pro-egg agendas clear to Mitt. They pooped on his head, pecked at his eyes, scratched at his face, and finally drove Mitt away from his repair duties.

Mitt was late for his second job that really supplied his living. Egg sales, frankly, do not produce enough income to pay the bills, and the economy had been terrible due to poor governmental leadership. So he decided to repair the hole later in the day, after work when he had more time and could acquire protective gear to fend off these peculiar and petulant poultry.


The chicken protesters went mad with heady self aggrandizement. They had won and driven off their enemy, the egg torturer. They crowed and stamped their chicken feet in the poop covered dust. Cock-a-doodle-do will never sound the same and the universe had altered its course. No longer would their demands go unanswered; their importance had been forever established.

The pickup exhaust had not cleared the driveway before the fox family had duly rested and returned to their fence penetrating duties. Chicken genocide results from fox penetration; the entire population was quickly eradicated. Foxes are good at several things but nothing more than chicken killing. They did not brag or even think to brag, because foxes know not bragging. Chickens gone; some eaten, no fanfare.

Some say the last Rooster to die, just before those glinting fox teeth crushed his neck, was heard to say "at least we did not support Mitt." Honor in chickens, at first flush, may seem an admirable trait, but due to their inability to understand how the world works, it may be better for chickens to practice humility first and foremost, leaving single issue agendas for further down the evolutionary chain, when chicken scientists and mathematicians appear.



PS: Spending the weekend in a deer stand allows one to “remember” the old stories from one's childhood.

Graphical enhancement suggestions welcome.
 

A splendid tale, Comrade Comrade - one might say those chickens' stupidity came home to roost!

Say, did the foxes give them tiny chicken Obamaphones before killing them?
 

R.O.C.K. in the USSA

Say, did the foxes give them tiny chicken Obamaphones before killing them? Good question, Comrade, but these chickens would not have understood phones, they were limited to one single issue - eggs. This is similar to some of the pro-life advocates. But I suppose all single issue advocates have this myopia. Once you are labeled an antagonist to their issue, even if you light yourself on fire to prove your allegiance to them, they will stand over your ashes and question your sincerity.
 

Comrade Cargo Pilot God,

Given the history of the Balanced Budget Amendment and its associated attempted Article V invocation by the several states for a Constitutional Convention one can only imagine where the redress of grievances go in Obamerica....


(from the series Lost)

Already comrades are hard at work to repel the secessionist petitions:

W.H. Petition Calls for Stripping Citizenship and Exile for Anyone Who Signs Petition to Secede

I would characterize more in terms of an alternative solution to a problem unsolved for centuries than a 'single issue chicken' but to each their own.
 

Hmm. Perhaps we might exile both the secessionists AND citizenship-strippers to the same island and let them fight it out. Methinks the secessionists would have more weapons, and thus win quickly. After victory, a tasty breakfast of scrambled eggs!
 

Yes, we certainly cannot have people petitioning the government without fear of retribution ... that sounds like something you might find in one of those constitutional republic *spit* constitutions *spit*.


How about a petition to have his 0-ness stand in front of the white house for a week with a sign declaring his idiocy? I'm a little conflicted on the whole thing ... a petition suggests the petitioner's recognition of an illegitimate (in the bastard sense) government.
 

So, if we cross these misguided chickens with our beloved free goobermint cheeses, its a casserole, no?
 

Expel The Red States

Given the history of the Balanced Budget Amendment and its associated attempted Article V invocation by the several states for a Constitutional Convention one can only imagine where the redress of grievances go in Obamerica....
Comrades, rejoice because we're very close to achieving a Constitutional <*spit*> Convention right now.

U.S. NOW ONLY 2 STATES AWAY FROM REWRITING CONSTITUTION

A public policy organization has issued an urgent alert stating affirmative votes are needed from only two more states before a Constitutional Convention could be assembled in which “today’s corrupt politicians and judges” could formally change the U.S. Constitution’s “‘problematic’ provisions to reflect the philosophical and social mores of our contemporary society.”
“Don’t for one second doubt that delegates to a Con Con wouldn’t revise the First Amendment into a government-controlled privilege, replace the 2nd Amendment with a ‘collective’ right to self-defense, and abolish the 4th, 5th, and 10th Amendments, and the rest of the Bill of Rights,” said the warning from the American Policy Center.
“Additions could include the non-existent separation of church and state, the ‘right’ to abortion and euthanasia, and much, much more,” the group said.
The warning comes at a time when Barack Obama, who is to be voted the next president by the Electoral College Monday, has expressed his belief the U.S. Constitution needs to be interpreted through the lens of current events.
Tom DeWeese, who runs the center and its education and grass-roots work, told WND the possibilities stunned him when he discovered lawmakers in Ohio are considering a call for a Constitutional Convention. He explained that 32 other states already have taken that vote, and only one more would be needed to require Congress to name convention delegates who then would have more power than Congress itself.

“The U.S. Constitution places no restriction on the purposes for which the states can call for a convention,” the alert said. “If Ohio votes to call a Con Con, for whatever purpose, the United States will be only one state away from total destruction. And it’s a safe bet that those who hate this nation, and all She stands for, are waiting to pounce upon this opportunity to re-write our Constitution.”


Be afraid. Only two more states needed - maybe a 100 or so state politicians - and all it would take is a few anonymous emails such as "Do what we say and we're sure nothing 'bad' will happen to your family." That's Chicago Politics in action using our own Constitution against us.
 

If only the chickens had been concerned with REAL chicken issues - such as crossing the road - this tragedy need not have happened.


 

Good job, Comrade People's Comrade!

Your fable has been duly illustrated ahead of schedule and promoted to the Mother Page. Congratulations on your first Mother Page appearance!


 

A most colorful tale, People's Comrade. I thank you.

I wonder if it's Party-approved to dwell on some possibly hidden mean-
Nah, pro-chicken neurons sent to gulag already. No danger here...





 

Hey, thanks ... Victory Is Glorious
 

Comrade - I just read an article similar to your chicken tale:

Earth to GOP: Get a Grip
WSJ - Brett Stephens:Conservatives should demand IQ tests of Republican candidates.

I don't agree with him on everything, but he has a point.
 

Red Square

Comrade - I just read an article similar to your chicken tale:

Earth to GOP: Get a Grip
WSJ - Brett Stephens:Conservatives should demand IQ tests of Republican candidates.

I don't agree with him on everything, but he has a point.
Comrade, he does have some good points. My attempt to help our GOP friends, and why do I bother, surely falls on deaf ears. And possibly winning the election will be the tragic demise of our Progressive experiment after bankrupting the country. But what reasonable person would object to handing our national sovereignty over to a benevolent United Nations.

The election was close in my view (too close for Progressive comfort). If GOP extreme constituencies would temper their entrenchments with common sense, we would be in trouble. Currently the GOP appears to be rushing to the left so we may be an OHP (One Happy Party) soon. But in the unlikely event we do retain a two party system, I am thinking the extremities of the GOP, for the GOP's own well being, should not be so directly and publicly embraced in a more"you can't satisfy these people" position. But we progressives embrace our lunatic fringe with impunity. Possibly we have more lunatics and shear numbers obscure our abnormalities.

Perhaps if Jerry Falwell had not convinced fundamentalist evangelicals that God and not Columbus had sailed the ocean blue, the GOP could rest easier. Then Christians could stop insisting Caesar denounce his deity and lions could return to a more normal diet. However, when one takes personal responsibility for changing the moral direction of the Titanic, and you are the sole individual with knowledge of the impending iceberg, positional entrenchment is understandable.

But please, is that any reason to shut down the band and spoil everyone's fun?




 

Excellent article Komrade! However, it should be made perfectly clear that the responsibility for the chickens' tragic demise was Mitt. Had he not been stealing from them they would have had no reason to organize and demonstrate, which drew the attention of the foxes. Also, had he hired union fence repairers they would have sent dozens of union thugs to stand around and get paid while an untrained apprentice did the actual work crews to repair the fence. It should also be stated that had OSHA been in existence Mitt would have clearly been fined and the chickens removed to a safer enviorn until the union thugsworkers had finished repairs. I wonder, were these actual foxes? Or were they perhaps union-busting wolves in fox clothing? This should be investigated!
 

Unfortunately, I heard there was one large survivor to carry on the chickens fight and voice their plight!



 

Totally love the Moore chicken, Comrade Alfred. Eat Moore Chicken.