Dr. Leonid Fuku is an official delegate of the USSA
Bureau of Healthcare Reform, and future commander
of the United Health Care System of the Americas.

"Clearly, the future is with United Global Front for
Healthcare, administered through a centralized
offshore office. It will solve all medical issues
for all the world's citizens. I, Health Kommissar
Leonid Fuku, am willing to address all things medical.
Ask your questions, but clearly state your Party
standing and location, or answers will not be

~ Doctor Fuku[/floatleft-nb]

Healthcare Q&A: Beware all Healthcare Hogs!

User avatar
This is a transmission from Dr. Leonid Fuku, Executive Director of Global Front For Healthcare. Given his current responsibilities, he is too busy to post it here himself, so we're doing it for him:

I, Dr. Leonid Fuku, am back from behind the curtains! Years ago, when I, then merely a Health Kommissar, deigned to help the People's Cube with a healthcare column, we had a sound plan but little action. Now, my comrades, ACTION has taken place! I write today in triumph and to explain how we have improved healthcare based on common sense!

In the new system, all healthcare requests are to be routed through the main office at the Global Front for Healthcare. Its location is classified to prevent attempts by capitalists to influence healthcare organizers and create mischief. Its budget is also classified to protect it from the prying eyes of speculators on Wall Street. The size of the budget is determined by yours truly and paid for through appropriations decided upon by a special select committee, whose anonymity is protected as a matter of national security, to avoid capitalist infiltration.

This Global Front will take care of all your needs. We will help you to be born. We will help you to live free of diseases. We will help you to die as necessary. No more useless empty years eating mush and watching "Wheel of Fortune" in an obtunded state! No, comrades, once you've lived a healthy life working hard and braving dear nature, you will no longer need to petition for an end. We will make that decision for you allowing a stately demise with the dignity you deserve.

I will now dispel misinformation regarding the new system by answering most commonly asked questions:

Q. Will I be able to see my Doctor?
A. OF COURSE! All healthcare facilitators will be licensed with the Global Front! If you are in the proper district covered by the facilitator in question as per section 2 of the plan (don't worry, you will read it after we pass it), and if your doctor is on duty at your assigned visit time, and your problem requires a doctor rather than a nurse or midwife, and you have not seen the doctor in the prescribed time frame already pursuant to article 3 of the plan, and given that you properly filled out the easy-to-use ONLINE (indeed "state-of-the-art") request for assistance and your Doctor has not yet seen his quota of patients for the year, then VOILA! You will see YOUR DOCTOR. And it will be FREE!

Q. Will I be able to get the medicine I need?
A: OF COURSE! The Global Front will have all necessary medications on formulary! Granted, some medicines have not proven effective in treatment; these will not be used. But why use them anyway? Most importantly, we will not allow big pharmaceutical companies to take money from the system for designer medicines that are not in any way superior to the generic ones. You will get all your drugs through the Global Front pharmaceutical production facilities. One-stop shopping for all your medication needs! And FREE!

Q. Will I be able to get an MRI or CAT scan?
A. OF COURSE! One must realize, however, that before capitalists mass-produced these machines for obscene profit, doctors made diagnoses with a careful history and physical exam and did not NEED these machines. While unnecessary for the vast majority of illnesses, in the event that one of these tests is absolutely required, there will be a minister from the Global Front who will supervise a technology utility subsection, evaluating all requests by the patient for these tests, if the healthcare facilitator has not exceeded his or her request limit, and the machine in question has not reached its use quota. There will be at least one machine per state as mandated in the plan subsection 4-b (far more than is needed). Thus, you will not have a problem getting the test in the extremely unlikely event that you really need it.

Q. Will I be able to have surgery in a timely fashion?
A. OF COURSE - as if we would deny anyone surgery! It is also true that surgery is overused today. As our President has stated, many surgeons would rather remove a foot than teach a diabetic how to eat properly and control his blood sugar. If you have properly attempted to correct your problem as set forth in the handbook, e.g., your sugar is correct and you do not eat fats, and you have properly asked for surgery, and you healthcare provider is agreed that you should be placed on the list, then all you need to do is wait your turn and VOILA! Surgery will be yours! AND IT WILL BE FREE!

Q. What if I want to keep my health plan and stay out of the system?
A. What are you, a malcontent bent on creating havoc and disharmony? Would you ask, "What if I want to pay for the air I breathe?" Why PAY for what is FREE? The system is there to make it EASY for you. We take care of payments. As for the fat cat insurance companies, the initial plan allows them to keep profiting - so long as they never deny any client, charge the mandated fee only, provide the mandated care as per subsection C-2 (subheading "Insurance Company Regulatory Measures and Controls") without attempting to subvert the process with unnecessary tests and visits, and NEVER try to bilk the customer with so-called "premium plans" that suggest a better option for care than the one provided by the Global Front.

And so, my comrades, the future is here and the future is NOW! Enjoy the windfall of profit from the new healthcare system (TRILLIONS A YEAR) while you enjoy your new improved health!

Feel free to ask questions as you wish below!


Dr. Leonid Fuku
Executive Director
Global Front For Healthcare

User avatar
Dr Fuku--

If I am injured by a flying teabag while pounding a counter-revolutionary into the pavement with my "Give Peace a Chance" protest sign, will I be able to get treated in a timely fashion, or will I have to wait for the emergency room to deal with the sucking chest wound of the aforementioned teabagger before they rinse the tea flakes from my hair?

User avatar
This sounds like an excellent system. I am so tired of going to my doctor's office for a 10:00 AM appointment and waiting and waiting and waiting until almost 10:30 until my name is called. If I understand correctly, with the Global Front plan, if the facilitator denies my request for treatment and/or my doctor has already seen his quota of patients, then I do not have to wait and can go right home. That will save me time; I like that!

Oh dear friend it is even better than you think! We will not let you waste your time having to "go right home" as you will never have left! Indeed notification of an appointment with your assigned health care facilitator will be given you well in advance! The penalty for an unauthorized visit to a Global Front facility will be severe. After all, cutting the line is the sign of a "health care hog" and can not be tolerated! In the future keep this in mind and edit your posts so you do not look suspicious to us.

User avatar
What about abortions? Will women be able to freely get abortions?

What do you know of how to administer healthcare? Are you a member of the Global Front staff? Of course not, as you would not have written such nonsense if you were.

Are you not satisfied that we know what we are doing? Have we not given you what you wanted, and FOR FREE? And you question us? Are you another "C-Span fan" desirous of infiltrating the inner workings of health care planners intent on the greater good? The idiocy of your post offends not just one but all of us. Shut up and enjoy our efforts on your behalf you ungrateful layabout.

User avatar
Will this plan bring back the barefoot doctors?
<br>Here I must say I'm tired of all these endless right-wing lies about national health programs elsewhere, including Britain (and the removed-but-not ruptured appendix here) and Japan.

User avatar
This health care plan is a blessing. My only fear is that it will be so efficient at prolonging life that the human population infestation will grow thus putting a strain not only on Gaia but the health care system itself.

I hope some contingency plan is put in place to actively control population growth as passive methods like abortion on demand have not proven to be adequate.

Not to worry. All will live their fair share but not to excess. There will be no "heroic measures" prolonging the inevitable and clogging the pipes of the State. Never you mind the details -- it is not your concern to think about them. Rather just play your part as expected. These questions about details are indeed petty and irritating. The next thing you know you will be asking about "C-Span" coverage of our initiatives! Ridiculous AND offensive. In the future please read your posts before submission and glean them of all offensive content.

User avatar
Comrade Whoopie wrote:This health care plan is a blessing. My only fear is that it will be so efficient at prolonging life that the human population infestation will grow thus putting a strain not only on Gaia but the health care system itself.

I hope some contingency plan is put in place to actively control population growth as passive methods like abortion on demand have not proven to be adequate.

Comrade Whoopie,

I believe that is what our Muslim Comrades are for, they will be the purveyors of early death with thier "man caused disasters." Brother Eric Holder and Dear Leader Obama are in the process of making sure no harm can come to these most important tools of Dear Leader Care. I for one would be honored to have my head cut off with a rusty machete and pray to Dear Leader that my death would bring myself and family celebrity status. Being chosen for early death by my Muslim comrades is me just doing my part for the greater good and most importantly Dear Leader Care.

User avatar
This article answered so many questions with so little! Granted it's very generic, but I feel this article only reinforced my belief that our socialized medicine system would work perfectly.

BTW, how would this pay our lawyers? Could they sue the government for malpractice? What will the lawyers use. . . scratch that one. I'm not a lawyer, but maybe someone else can answer these questions.

Is there NO END to these ridiculous and offensive questions? Would you dare ask them of Madame Pelosi? Am I not properly stating my rank above? I am here to CLARIFY as a FAVOR to you. I am not here to be slapped with offensive clap-trap.

This system is not "socialized." That word is NOT used. Erase it and use jugement in the future.

As for the second aspect of your question I find your attempt to pit the legal establishment (the fine men and women who protect workers from the slings and arrows of "fat cats" through defense of their interests within the State system) against the Global Front and her members therein dedicated to the same, a disgusting and wormy ploy by a vile coward. You can expect a visit for this transgression.

User avatar
In England, they are complaining that excessive alcohol consumption is leading to health problems that are putting a strain on the National Health system there. The solution is to now champion reduced consumption of alcohol, in order to ensure that people aren't using more of the finite amount of health services available than they should.

User avatar
I hope I can get him Dr. Fuku to be my own personal personal physician. I'll surely get the best of care with him.

Pull up a chair
And sit on the floor
Admission is free
Just pay at the door.

WHAT? You would ask the DIRECTOR of the Global Front to be your "personal" health care facilitator? What kind of . . . ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE . . . I am at a loss!

Firstly, the role of a Director is as much within your comprehension as the breadth of the cosmos is to a lowly helminth!

Secondly WHAT KIND OF HEALTHCARE HOG ASKS FOR ITS OWN PERSONAL HEALTH CARE FACILITATOR? Disgusting! I imagine you are not even a party member.

You will get in line like everyone else and after this affront to us all you will count yourself lucky to be treated.

User avatar
Does this program cover house calls? I want to make sure our benefactors in the House will still get quick treatment in case they fall ill from too much alcohol or having crap sandwiches forced down their throats.

Ooops, silly me, of COURSE they will still get all the benefits they deserve, as always. The Global Front program is only for unimportant people.

This is not discourse for public forums or for C-Span comrade. If indeed you are a party member of high standing perhaps you overindulged and wrote this in such a state? If so you realize the risks you take in your standing?

User avatar
Colonel 7.62 wrote:In England, they are complaining that excessive alcohol consumption is leading to health problems that are putting a strain on the National Health system there. The solution is to now champion reduced consumption of alcohol, in order to ensure that people aren't using more of the finite amount of health services available than they should.
But alcohol is the backbone of English society! It's been around there since before anyone can remember. Well, for the Greater Good.

User avatar
But are the NHS doctors allowed to go out for a drink in the middle of an operation?

I mean, if they're not, that is SO unjust. They're working AROUND the clock to provide Universal taxpayer-funded Free Healthcare(TM) for EVERYONE except the unborn and the very old. I mean, the treatment is SO good that people are waiting in long lines for HOURS to get The Healthcare They Need(TM). That just PROVES how successful it is!

User avatar
Alas, traditional healthcare is against my religion. I demand an authentic witch doctor from the Amazon, he must be flown in and given 4 star accommodations for the duration of my illness. I also demand drugs made from the dust of Rameses II's mummy. Three authentic Indochinese tigers must be slaughtered for their blood to give me healing, mixed with the horns of six rhinoceroses. And then if I die then I must be reanimated by an authentic Haitian voodoo practicioner. I demand my rights!

User avatar
Comrade Helga,

And if one is of the Holy Goracle's religion, one should also demand that his or her health care produces no carbon emission, or polluting waste of any kind. In this case, there is only one remedy for all ailments: to be euthanized with the blessing of the Goracle himself.

User avatar
Dear Dr. Fuku:

Since they moved all the Planned Parenthood Clinics into the junior high schools access has been problematic. My question is that I am having trouble following the directions supplied with the people's state approved "Home Abortion Kit." This is an urgent matter as I do not wish to try and feed another mouth have my wife "punished with a baby."

There also seems to be some instruments missing from the "Smile Like Mike Tyson Home Tooth Extractor Set Up" as well (hammer not included?) and I was wondering if this was a simple oversight?

Knowing that there are many expsensive complications directly related to diabetes, I noticed that my new insulin that comes from the great People's Republic of China looks a lot like Windextm Window Cleaner is this merely a coincidence??

Thank you for your kind attention.

User avatar
[quote="Proletarian Robot"]
Since they moved all the Planned Parenthood Clinics into the junior high schools access has been problematic."

Comrade P. Robot, glorious news if you're in the Houston area! Planned Parenthood is renovating a former bank, turning it into a 78,000 square foot facility that will include a surgical wing equipped to provide late-term abortions. It will be the largest abortion clinic in the country. I'm sure if this successful, they will do this all over the country!


User avatar
Comrade Leninka, I am counting on the fact that our Dear Leader's love for multicultural diversity ™ outweighs his love for the Environment ™.

And I demand only dolphin meat to eat while I recuperate. Its energy interacts with my crystals to bring me into my Tai Chong De inner being.

User avatar
Proletarian Robot,

I too am having problems with the Home Limb Amputation kit, its directions tell me to give my patient lots of whiskey and then wait for him to pass out from pain. What is this "whiskey"? I am only familiar with state supplied beet vodka, will that work as a substitute? Can that step be skipped?

User avatar
@Helga TPN:

The party does allow some minor improvisation if one follows the approved algorithms to the letter. The beet vodka is for you drink. When the bottle is empty hit the disposable prog the patient over the head until the appropriate level of anthesia is obtained. Then continue with procedure following the booklet step by step.

I called the People's Healthcare Help Line to see if I could talk to an advice nurse and it is interesting that it connects you directly to Dionne Warwick's "Psychic Friends Network." Their predictions about your health are not covered by the state health plan so be sure to have your credit card ready.

User avatar

I do not know you, but I am sick and tired of all of this fear mongering by individualists, or better yet, "right wing" conspiracy nutbags, who are creating propaganda to put fear into the Masses™. When will this common sense nonsense stop?!?!! Who is to say that the Trinity is wrong?! And how dare they challenge it! This capitalist propaganda each provision is summarized giving precise page references feeds lies about our proposed healthcare plan! Watch this and you will be disgusted with the scare tactics. There is much more than just health care. You will be stunned.