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Confused Gov. Jerry Brown declares Sharia law in Caliphornia

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The declaration of a Caliph state between the border of Syria and Iraq has raised some interesting parallels, bringing confusion to California Governor Jerry Brown's cabinet and resulting in an executive order that changed the official spelling of the state to "Caliphornia," and the title of the Golden State's Governor to "Caliph."

"We feel that we are all of one mind when it comes to state power and control," stated an anonymous source deep in Brown's cabinet. "The freedom fighters of the newly declared Caliphate have honored us by taking part of our name and we feel we must respond in kind."

"Besides, if you take the land occupied by ISIS and tilt it on its side, and squint a little, it looks a lot like Caliphornia," the source added.

Caliph Jerry Brown today held a press conference to introduce and explain the new way of governing.
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"To honor and support the founding of the new, thriving Caliphate, and because we love all religions except Christianity, we will now follow Sharia law," said Brown.

"We are excited about saving our taxpayers considerable money by emptying our prisons and retroactively erasing all crimes committed during the period when I was dating Linda Ronstadt. That was a happy time for me, and I think we should all share in that happiness," Caliph Brown stated. "Everyone else will be stoned, beheaded, lashed, or have their limbs amputated in accordance with the new penal code, based on recommendations by the most prominent experts in Islamic jurisprudence who derive their scholarly opinions from the sayings of Mohammed as recorded in the Hadith, the Sunnah, and the Koran.

The Caliph also promised his subjects to blow up and/or close all non-compliant places of worship, appending the surviving churches and synagogues with minarets in compliance with Caliphornia's building codes.

A separate anti-idolatry fatwa has been issued to stop the rampant proliferation of small and medium-sized Buddha statues, a few million of which are expected to be surrendered to designated state recycling centers.

Government inspectors, identifiable by their towel-like headdress, will be making surprise visits to suspected private homes and businesses, especially New Age and Holistic Healing Centers, with a license to break any unauthorized Buddhas, Gaias, and other non-compliant religious figurines, as well as to drag the perpetrators by their hair out front and subject them to public lashings.

A new bill establishing a 10% Jizya per capita tax levied on all of Caliphornia's non-Muslim subjects (a requital for not being killed) was unanimously passed by the state's largely Democratic Senate as the only solution to balance the budget while ensuring that all unionized government employees get their fair share.

The few senators who objected were declared Islamophobes and taken into police custody in accordance with the previously passed hate-crime legislation.

The only objection to the Caliph's new alcohol-banning fatwa came from Caliphornia's resident Nick Nolte, who was promptly beheaded without as much as a mug shot. Major civil disobedience on part of Caliphornia's prominent non-conformists has been avoided with assurances that marijuana will remain a legal substance. The government then proceeded to seize and convert all existing liquor to alternative fuels, bars to hookah lounges, and distilleries to heroin factories that will be processing poppies imported from Afghanistan.

A special Wymen's Rights and Diversity Fatwa, endorsed and celebrated by the local chapter of N.O.W., will require all female residents of the state to wear the designated "garb of diversity" made of plain, non-patterned cloth that covers their wrists, ankles, necks, and hair. All non-diverse individuals of female sexual orientation will be apprehended and subjected to summary lashing and/or stoning as determined by the diversity officer from the Ministry for the Propagation of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice.

A number of previously transgendered individuals have already come out with statements renouncing their chosen female identities and demanding that the state pay for their sex-change operations that would bring back their manhood.

In conclusion of his short announcement, Caliph Jerry Brown stated, "Anyone who opposes me and my new autocratic rule shall be declared an enemy of democracy, tolerance, and diversity, and as such he or she shall be arrested on charges of Islamophobia and hate speech. Any objections? I didn't think so."

Caliph Brown then answered questions, mostly pertaining to increased waiting times in Caliphornia's emergency hospitals due to a sudden surge of severed extremities, as well as multiple human heads littering streets and other public spaces, creating health and driving hazards, and raising questions about the effectiveness of local sanitation services.

"There are always unintended consequences, and you should all know by now that they really don't matter," responded the Caliph, removing his shoes and calling all present to join him in a public prayer for the victory of progress and end to Islamophobia.

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As a Princess who has been in Jer-muffin's bedroom* (he said I could call him that), I can attest that the Governer's head is big enough--oops, I meant his heart is big enough to envision a new homeland for Islam. But I thought he was a devout Catholic--you know, the kind who favors abortion on demand, embraces all lifestyles that the magistrate prohibits, and funds Communist juntas in Latin America--so I'm surprised to hear about his changed view on Christianity. Unless "devout Catholic" also means "not really a Christian."

*

Image This part really is true. A friend worked on the Jerry Brown campaign in 1992, and the whole staff, including Jerry, was living in a big converted firehouse in San Fran Sicko. I went to visit, and supped with the staff (and met Jerry, too, at a different time). To get to the kitchen, from my friend's apartment, you had to walk through Jerry's bedroom.

He did not actually give me permission to call him Jer-muffin.
Last edited by Kelly Ivanovna/келя ивановна on 6/18/2014, 12:57 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason for editing this post: Chgd "me" to "him" in last line. Pronoun problem or my latent narcissism, not sure which.

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Caliphornia.jpg
Not to worry, STILL the land of fruits and nuts!

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Yes Comrade, Kelly Ivanovna, those were glorious day indeed, as I recall, it was a time when even American radio and television was nothing more than concept of entertainment. In those glorious years many entertainers, politicians of every stripe became the instrument of our moral compass leading us along the dusty trail of social progress that, spit, spit Neanderthal Tea Party types just don't understand.
Governor Brown is once again, in that time honored progressive tradition, leading us by example along a similar path of compassion, understanding and outreach to these Muslim leaders, who are truly sensitive human beings ( unlike the Pope who is determined to start a Holy War ) by changing the spelling. As any self respecting leader, Governor Brown as well as many of these Islamic leaders simply want to reach out to their followers prisoners and walk down the path of peace, once the appropriate amount of synagogues, churches, Republican headquarters and religious symbols have been burned or destroyed so that in Caliphornia, Progressives, Muslims and Infidels could just co-exist in glorious peace and harmony.…..Why one day in the not too distant future, as part of the governor's request, residents of Caliphornia will be able to hear the Adhan, not only coming from many of the Aztec lowriders, but from state and government buildings in an effort “to respond in kind” throughout. This is true progress Comrades…. Caliphornia a true mecca of compassion and understanding. Forward!

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I took the liberty of editing, expanding, and illustrating this fine editorial, hoping that the original author does not consider such liberties unconstitutional.

Congratulations, Dr. Ikan Steponit, with a new great contribution and helping us to keep the Cube rolling. It now goes straight to the Mother Page!

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Caliph Brown has announced some startling economic statistics since the declaration of Sharia Law.

"Since the declaration of Caliphornia, we have seen several positive signs in the economy" stated the Caliph. "We have seen a massive drop in the unemployment numbers recently. Some say it is due to attrition of working infidels, but I think otherwise."

He had several representatives at his latest news conference to tout the economic progress.

Stan Kaseem of "Burqas to go" stated a 1000% increase in business recently. "I have always thought government interfered with business, but I just have to eat my words at this point."

Jeff Jazeera of Tim's Turbans and Bill Aqua-Velva of Prayer Rug Outlet couldn't be happier with the recent boom.

Some say there are economic losers in the new Caliphornia. However, representatives of Bible shops, Book stores, Wineries, Liquor store owners and Catholic school uniform manufacturers were unavailable for comment.

"Overall I believe that the economic winners successes far outweigh the vanishingly rare losers in our new state," Caliph Brown stated proudly.

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Red Square wrote:I took the liberty of editing, expanding, and illustrating this fine editorial, hoping that the original author does not consider such liberties unconstitutional.

Congratulations, Dr. Ikan Steponit, with a new great contribution and helping us to keep the Cube rolling. It now goes straight to the Mother Page!
The Doctor is Honored with such improvements. It takes a Village Comrade.

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And a big turban tip to Anyer Marx for sketching the new Caliphornia flag I used in the documentary footage above.

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Red Square wrote: It now goes straight to the Mother Page!


After only five posts and he hits the Mother Page? I am in AWE!

Most equal, Comrade Doktor! Welcome to the Cube!

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Join us behind tractor barn #2 this evening after the shovels are cleaned and inventoried for some political discourse, singing of glorious marching songs, and perhaps some freshly distilled light refreshments...

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Comrade Red Square, the phlag looks much better in situ! Comrade Tovarichi, it seems one of those shovels may be one of those issued for my use on the night shift ... does this mean I get to see the wonders of the tractor barn? I may have been there once, but I don't remember much of anything before my show trial.

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Since officially nothing happens but maintenance and storage of the People's Tractor in tractor barn #2, you probably weren't there. You also didn't leave your ration card unattended or auctioned to the highest bidder which will make it difficult for you since it's your night to "not" bring snacks to the festivities we don't hold in the barn. I'd better not see you by 7:30 since nothing is happening.

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Tovarichi wrote:
Red Square wrote: It now goes straight to the Mother Page!


After only five posts and he hits the Mother Page? I am in AWE!

Most equal, Comrade Doktor! Welcome to the Cube!

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Join us behind tractor barn #2 this evening after the shovels are cleaned and inventoried for some political discourse, singing of glorious marching songs, and perhaps some freshly distilled light refreshments...
I am honored Comrade Tovarichi! You must be one very high in the Politburo to have TWO tractor barns! The number of shovels you possess are near the upper level echelon members of the party. I will attend as soon as I complete many of the mandatory forms to the Ministry of Health to allow myself to continue to prescribe the miracle drug aspirin to the masses. Of course potato based spirits do serve to ease our pains, With the Affordable Care Act and there is no prescription needed! I will soon be sharing a few brilliant thoughts along with several songs in the luxurious barn provided. Comrade we are only joyful and amazing singers when we are drunk -since the fundamental transformation of America has been forced upon us!


 
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